The 3 Elements of Magnetic Confidence

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you, I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome. Today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about the three elements of magnetic confidence. Oh, yes. So we start by asking you this. Would you want magnetic confidence before you even know what that means? I mean, you have a sense of what that means. You kind of have an understanding of that term. Whatever that means to you, would you want that? When I've asked people this in groups, everyone's hand goes up because who wouldn't want that? And yes, this is of great value. It will serve you in your life. And these are things that you can do. This is, again, we talked about this a lot last week, actually. The fixed versus the growth mindset. This is something that you can develop. And the more you do these things, no matter what your history or what your stories are about yourself or how awkward or not magnetic you thought you are, if you do these things I'm going to share with you today in this episode, you will become more magnetic to others. It's formulaic, so I'm excited to dig into it. And also, I want to let you know that right now we're running the. It's right towards the end. It'll be over in just several days. The Early Bird sports special for my upcoming live event, the first one of 2019, supremely confident conversation master. That's March of 2019, March 8th through 10th in Portland, Oregon. And so if you've been thinking about it for, you know, sometimes we'll meet people at the events who've been thinking about it for years. They haven't listened to my podcast or watch my videos or been, you know, on my email list for literally years. And they're like, yep, now is the time. So maybe now is the time for you. Because what I'm gonna share with you in this episode and in all the episodes of this podcast is, like, what works. I don't hold back. I share everything. There's so much Stuff I share for free. And the reason I do that is because it's part of my mission, Operation Mass Liberation. And I realize that the thousands of people that I reach through YouTube and podcasts and books and stuff are not all gonna come to Portland for a live event. That's not how it works. It's not possible. And so I want to serve in the ways that I can. However, I also know this, that what I share in this episode is all intellectual. It's all. As much as I try to make it action oriented and have an action step and give practical advice, you must go take that action. You must go practice these things. And one thing that I found is that when we get together in person, shit happens. We do do it, we do practice it. And so there'll be people that come to live events who've been listening to my stuff for literally years. And, and they do more in three days than they have in three years. Because the environment that we create there, because the inspiration, the teaching, the guidance and then the impetus for action, which of course, you know me, I like to bang. The action drum is part of the live events. So you're going to be doing things, you're going to be practicing things. In fact, I remember I'm going to share these magnetic elements of magnetic confidence with you. And I was doing this with people in a small group one day mastermind retreat that are part of my mastermind group. And I was sharing the three elements and then we were practicing them and one of them, which was the second one, which you'll find out what that is in just a minute, they were practicing an exercise to help them develop it. And the room was so tense, people were so uncomfortable. And I had to pause and be like, what's going on? And then, sure enough, yeah, this is really hard, this is really uncomfortable. And then it was awesome because we got to talk about it, we got to work through, we got to see what was going on for people and how to get more comfort doing it and more confidence to practice it or how to do it anyway, even though it's uncomfortable. And in that moment I realized, like, wow, this is a group of extremely motivated people. I mean, they're in my year long mastermind program, they're coming to live events, they're doing these retreats, they're listening to my programs, they're like dedicated to making some big changes in their life. And yet, I don't know, I don't think they'd be doing it to this level and practicing in this way if we weren't all together. And that's the power of a team, that's the power of a group. And so I'm sure I'm excited because that was a fascinating story. I'll share that with you in just a minute. But anyway, come to the live event if you're called, if you resonate with me at all. What you see is what you get. So the live event is going to be like this. You can feel my energy, my enthusiasm, but for three days. So it's awesome. I want to invite you to come. So go to the website is the best way to do it. Socialconfidencecenter.com and then on the events tab at the top of the page, just click the button that says events and you'll see supremely confident conversation master there. So click on that and get your ticket for the half off. The early bird is half off the normal event price. So what are the three elements of magnetic confidence? The first one is self acceptance. First, let me start by saying what I think magnetic confidence is and then we'll. Now that I've already spilled the beans, go on to the first one. Magnetic confidence is what draws people to you. And the more magnetic you are, the more people are drawn to you. And this could be a romantic context. Potential dating partners or romantic partners are more interested in you, they want to go further with you, they want to have a second date, they want to follow up, they want to be your partner if that's what you want, girlfriend or boyfriend or beyond. That's magnetic confidence in that arena. But it also goes beyond romantic magnetic confidence. At work, you are more dynamic, you are more charismatic. People want to follow you, people want to do things for you, they want to work with you, they want to hire you, they want to partner with you, they want to promote you. That's magnetic confidence. And then socially too, right? You draw people to you. They want to listen to your story, they want to hear, know who you are, they want to ask questions about you. And I'm sure you've been in situations. In fact, think for a moment of someone in your life. When I say magnetic confidence, who comes to your mind right now, just pop straight in. First thing, take a moment to think about that person. Maybe you know them through work, maybe you know them socially. Maybe it's like, oh, yeah, that one guy that I dated, his brother was really magnetically confident. So just someone you sort of know peripherally. But think about that person and really get a sense of what were they like and did you feel drawn to them. I remember there was one teacher I had in college, he taught this English course. I took it because it was like a prerequisite. I had to take it. And John, I think his name was John Gambler. Was that his name? I don't remember. But that guy had magnetic confidence. And I'll share about why too, but it was amazing. So he taught this course. It was an eight week summer course. I was not even that interested in the topic. I just had to do it because it was a prereq. Same with everyone there. And by the end we're fascinated. He's got me thinking about poetry and I never even thought about poetry in my life and being actually interested in it. I remember the very end of the last class, he took 20 minutes and was like, what questions do you guys have for me? And it wasn't like, you know, English this and literary that and prerequisite that. It was like questions about him. What do you do for fun? What do you like? What do you read? What do you eat? Do you play any instruments? You know, people just wanted to know him because he was so fascinating. He was so magnetic. So who is that person that you know? Because this will help you put context and you can get a sense of the real. Or maybe you've had periods where you felt magnetic. What were you doing? So here's the building blocks, here's the elements, here's how you create that systematically. One, complete self acceptance. Now you've heard me talk about self acceptance and self compassion and stuff all over the place in this podcast and my work elsewhere. But here's why it even directly applies to magnetic confidence. Because when you are self conscious, that means you are self aware in a negative way. You are not accepting yourself. So that's what self consciousness is, by the way. And social anxiety is, is you are aware of yourself in a negative way. Oh, I'm doing that wrong. I'm holding that drink wrong. My clothes don't fit right. I'm standing too this way or that. Oh, I talk too much there. Oh, I should say something funny right here, right? That's just the overall summary of the internal experience. I'm having a great time. When's it going to be over? Where's the bar? And that's self consciousness. Very unpleasant. But it's an observation of ourselves with judgment of ourselves, not accepting ourselves. And that leads to inhibition. We hold back because we're already judging ourselves. So imagine other people are going to judge us too. Why wouldn't they? Because any sensible person would see that I'm awkward. Any sensible person would tell that I'm boring or I don't know what I'm talking about, or I'm not smart enough to be part of this conversation. That's what they're all gonna think if I speak up. So I better not speak up. I better not dance. I better not express myself. I better not make that joke. I better not share. So we become inhibited and there's an energy restriction because you are not coming out. And that's not gonna draw people to you because there's not you coming out. There's a tension in you. And people feel that even non verbally, even just energetically, they just get us. And they can feel when someone's tense around them. Even if you're hiding it, even if you're smiling and nodding and trying to ask the right questions, there's going to be some sticky point there that's going to block them from really wanting to move towards you. So self acceptance is essential in building your magnetic confidence. So I know you. There's other episodes where we talk all about this. In Confidence University, there's a whole section in the various courses dedicated to self acceptance because it's such an integral part of building confidence in any area. So there's my books, there's tons of resources around this that you can get access to for free or want to subscribe or whatever. But this is just a further reason to keep working on that. Because when you are okay with you, people start to become more drawn to you. You don't have to be perfect. The magnetic confidence doesn't come from the person who's the best at things. In fact, people who are the best at things actually repe. Repel others in a lot of ways. And maybe when they're performing their craft, like the best basketball player in the world when they're playing basketball, everyone loves them or the best whatever craftsman or richest person or most powerful person in the company or whatever. When they're doing their thing and they're doing their job, everyone's like, yeah, they're great and they admire them and they have awe for them. Which is very different than magnetic confidence though, because you might have admiration or awe for someone, but you won't want to go on a weekend road trip with them. They might irritate the hell out of you. And the reason for that is because people who are perfect, it either triggers insecurity in others because they feel inadequate or inferior and they don't like being around that, or there is a lack of Relatability there because the person's like, well, I don't know, I don't have those problems. I just win all the time. And then the rest of us are like, oh, well, I alright, you know, so we just don't feel as connected. Whereas when someone could be excellent at something, but then they're also humble or self deprecating or funny about it, or they reveal that they do have challenges because no matter how perfect someone is or looks, I should say, underneath they have challenges and fears. So that vulnerability is very powerful. And that all requires you to be able to accept yourself. So let go of needing to be perfect, to be magnetic and just really focus in on what are the ways that I do not accept myself right now. What are the ways that I attack myself and criticize myself so that I get better, so that I'm more magnetic is how the story goes. But it doesn't work. So what if you just dropped all that and started to really accept where you are right now and who you are right now? And this isn't about resignation and giving up and saying, well, I don't like my job right now and I don't think I'm being, you know, I'm being too timid in this, in my dating life. So I'm not having any dating opportunities. I guess I just need to accept that I'm a coward and I'm never gonna date anyone and I'm a loser and I just have to accept that I'm gonna have to work a shitty job for the rest of my life. There, done. Accepted. Like that's not acceptance. That's like learned helplessness and rejection. What's the word? Resignation and a fixed mindset. It's just a big pile of shit stew is what that is. No, acceptance is. Yeah, I feel afraid about approaching someone I'm attracted to. Yes, that's true. And yes, that's okay. I can love myself even if I'm afraid. And guess what? I can actually even take the action with the fear too. But for now, before I even force myself or try to make myself do that, let me focus on it's okay to be afraid and unraveling that hardness inside of you, that's like, no, it's not, you piece of. You better not be afraid or I'll punch you. Is that making you less afraid? Right. The critic does not work. It's not your friend. In this case, it's not going to help you. So getting on your own side, loving yourself and then taking powerful action in the world, that's what acceptance really is. So what's the second element of magnetic confidence? Full expressiveness. Full expressiveness that is not holding back. So if the lack of self acceptance leads to inhibition and holding back, and that's not very magnetic, we got to express ourselves fully. And the people that are very magnetic are doing this. And there's many levels and ways that we can do this. We can express yourself fully by what you share. Literally. Do you share about yourself? Do you share your interests, your hobbies, your passions, your things that you don't like, your challenges? And also, it's not just the content that you share, it's how you share. Are you being fully expressive with your face, with your facial gestures, with your hand gestures, with your body, with your voice tone? Does it go up and down? Right, because someone who's very monotone and inhibited and they just kind of share like this, are you listening to my story while I'm just getting started? And it's a long one, right? Like that's hard. And people often out of desire to not be rejected, a lack of self acceptance will inhibit themselves. And they're not being fully expressive and they're not as magnetic. Whereas if you think about that person who you think of as having a lot of magnetic confidence, how do they express themselves? Do they share fully? Are they expressive in the way they use their voice? Now, I'm not saying everyone has to be like waving their arms around and being all energetic. My natural expressiveness is more energetic. But not everyone's is that way. And you don't have to be that way. But here's the thing. There's a lot of people who think that they're not very expressive. Oh, I'm not that expressive. And it's not because they're not. It's because they've inhibited themselves for like 15 years. And so that's all they know. But there are people who tend to be more soft spoken or speak a little more slowly, and that's their way. And yet their expressiveness comes out still in different ways. So it's not just restricted, it's just. So maybe they speak a little slower, but perhaps their expressiveness comes out in their pauses or in the gravitas of their tone, the seriousness. Or maybe they make more kind of piercing eye contact or have different facial expressions. They do. So it's not just all about being energetic, it's about being expressive, whatever that is for you. There's no right way to do this. It's you, you need to come out. And so Remember earlier in this episode I was talking about the event experience that we had the people in my Mastermind do before a live event. So the people that are in the Mastermind program are in it for a year. It's called the Unstoppable Confidence Mastermind program. By now this should be a page up about the website. It's been years. We've run the program for like four years. We haven't had a dedicated page to it until recently. So you go to socialconfidencecenter.com you can find out more about it. So people are there, they're in the program for a year. And during the year they can come to live events, but they also have retreats, like one day retreats that are just for them before the live events. So we're doing this one day retreat on Magnetic Confidence before on the live events. And I'm teaching these points and I'm teaching full expressiveness and we're talking about that. And then I have them do an activity. They get in the groups of four and we have them practice expressing who they are. And I said, okay, the way we want to do this is we want to not make it all, you know, not telling your best story that you've practiced eight times. And you like to share at the cocktail party because it makes you look smart and whatever, generous, but just expressing you. So here's what you're gonna do. You're just gonna talk about for two minutes. I'm gonna time it with the other three people in your group. Whoever goes first is just gonna talk for two minutes about their interests, Maybe something that they're interested in right now, something they're fascinated about, something they like to study, something about their workplace, the gym that they go to, the day to day life, a book you're reading, a friend that you like to hang out with, a hobby that you have just share about. You don't make it the fanciest thing in the world. And then I gave an example of me sharing about what I'm eating, which is always one of my favorite topics. And so I'm like, right now I'm eating the best smoothie in the world. I make it every morning. And it's based upon Joel Fuhrman, who wrote the book Super Immunity and Eat to Live. He is a doctor who recommends nutritarian diet where you eat the most nutrient dense foods that you can. And the most nutrient dense foods that you can get are, surprise, surprise, vegetables. So after reading his books, I decided I wanted to further increase my vegetable intake. So I make it a smoothie in the morning and I start with a little bit of water and a banana and then as many vegetables as I can get in there. So kale, lettuce, broccoli, cabbage, just bam, bam. And then I blend it and then I add more vegetables and I blend that down to have those like thick, you know, like 40 ounces of just like barely palatable vegetable liquid. Then put in some fruit, like frozen blueberries and other things and some flaxseeds, and then blend it all up so it kind of like this thick, like foaming at the mouth right now, this thick concoction that I then eat with some sunflower seeds and raisins in it. My God, it's amazing. I don't think I went in that much depth at the event. That was just for you. But I shared for just a minute about what I'm interested in eating right now. And you could probably hear my enthusiasm, my passion. You might not give a shit at all about my smoothie, but my energy, my interest tends to keep you at least somewhat listening and maybe interested, maybe engaged. Maybe it gets you thinking about your own life, your own diet, your own vegetable consumption, whatever, right? So I am just sharing, like, look, this isn't earth shattering crazy adventures here. This is just what the dude puts in a smoothie. So go ahead and share. So we had the first group go. Remember, there's groups of four and there's one person sharing and three people listening. And I said, okay, well, after the first person shares, I'll tell. After two minutes we'll say stop. And then you get a little feedback from the group. You know, the three people. How expressive were they? Were they expressive? Were they open? Were they inhibited? What did you like, what could they do better? That kind of thing. So we had them go. And I noticed, man, this seemed tense. It almost seemed like we were doing an activity around like confrontation or assertiveness or something. I was like, this doesn't seem like we're doing like a fun share about why you're interested activity. Because I could just feel the energy of the room. So we ended and had them give feedback. And then I did it again with this. I was like, person two, go. And they all went. And then after the second one, I had to pause the group because I noticed even one guy was like red in the face. Like he almost looked like he was going to run out of the room or start crying or something. I was like, what's going on here? So I stopped and I started to interact with him. And it turns out it was very, very uncomfortable. Very, very hard to just share about himself. And he said, I just. I don't do this. And I said, okay. By show of hands, first of all, you're not alone. This is difficult for a lot of people to share, to have that attention on them, especially when they're not performing, they're not showing off. They're not just being them. It's vulnerable to be this real and this expressive. And so I said, by show of hands, who's feeling uncomfortable right now? And guess how many hands went up? 8. Every single person had gone, right? Because there's four groups and two people had gone in each group, eight people raised their hand. And I was like, wait a minute. So the only people not raising their hands are the ones who haven't gone yet. Well, look out those who haven't gone yet. You got something coming your way. So this is uncomfortable in a lot of ways. That's why we don't do it. But that's why our magnetic confidence goes down. We don't draw people to us. So if you have the courage, though, to be expressive, and, yes, someone could judge. You might be judging me when I was talking about my smoothie. Someone could judge my interest. Someone could judge that I talk about my kids or what my hobbies are, or what I like or what I do or what I wear or whatever. However you express yourself, yes, that will happen. And how do you have the courage and the power to say, well, that's not about me. Let me remain centered in myself. That's their business. Whatever judgment they want to have, I'm going to do me. And when you do that, you become more expressive and you become more magnetic. What is the last element of magnetic confidence? Authenticity. You gotta be you. So we're talking about being expressively as you, but you gotta be you. You gotta share what is real and what is authentic. When you try to hide what's going on, your magneticness goes in the toilet. I don't care if you're being. If you have, you're fully expressive and you are just, like, funny and interesting and dynamic in your voice and all this stuff. If in that moment, you're actually feeling really tense, but you're trying to operate on top of it and look really charming, people are gonna feel it. If you're feeling really sad, but you're trying to make a lot of jokes and be funny, people are gonna feel that, and they're not gonna be as drawn to your humor or to your dynamic story. Or whatever it is. That doesn't mean they might not be like, oh, forget this guy, I hate him, I wanna go away from you, but it's just going to be kind of lukewarm. It's going to be not that they're not going to be that drawn, or they're going to want to talk for a little while, but not the whole night. Or they're going to want to, you know, maybe spend a date with you where they don't want to keep dating you. Or they'll go on a couple dates with you, but they don't really want to be your partner. There's going to be some block there because you're not being authentic. And so the first piece about authenticity is to just be able to relate how you're actually doing. I'm actually feeling kind of sad today, I'm not really sure why. And then you can go on, maybe then you can be funny. But you've just revealed more, you've shared a little more, you've shared who you are. And here's another piece about the authenticity is. It's being, it's sharing what's really going on. And it's also being boldly yourself, unapologetically yourself. That's why I put that in the subtitle of my book. Not nice being unapologetically yourself. Because you can reveal you can be you, but kind of like, oh, I'm sorry, feeling a little nervous right now. Or, oh, sorry, I like to sing songs in the shower. Oh, sorry, I like to sing along to the music. Or sorry, I like to. Whether you actually apologize or not, it might just be conveyed in your voice tone and your body language. Oh, yeah, I'm embarrassed by that thing versus just unapologetically you. Another way to think of this is self assured, like, yeah, that's what I do. Like, own it. Yeah, I sing in the shower. Off key, of course. What do you mean off key? I sound good. I sound good in the shower. I know it. So you own whatever you do, you own who you are, you are unapologetically yourself. And again, that's a risk, right? Because if you think, well, if I'm apologetic about it, maybe people would like it more and they wouldn't judge me. But you cannot, you cannot have it both ways. You cannot be magnetically draw people to you and not get any judgment. Because how does a magnet work? Well, I have no fucking clue how a magnet works. It's got its invisible fields, of course, but we all know the functionality of a magnet where if you put two positives, they're gonna repel each other. If you put a positive and a negative, they're gonna click together. So if you have, you cannot attract one set of people to you without repelling another set of people to you. Does that make sense? So if you want to play it safe and you want to have everyone like you, or at least most people, not judge you at all, you're not going to be magnetic. So the cost to that damage control and that safety way of living is going to be great limitation in the kind of relationships you can create. And I don't know about you, but I say fuck that. I'm gonna find my people. I'm gonna show up fully as myself, 100%. And there'll be people that will be really drawn to that and there'll be people that are repelled by that. And I've increased that dial more and more and more over the years, which is why you'll see, like, especially on the book, not nice. They'll be like, it's either a five star or a one star review. There's very few two, three or four star reviews. It's like, this book is amazing. It changed my life. Or like, oh, fuck this guy, he's terrible. I hate him and I hate his wife and I hate his damn kids. It's like the whole enchilada. If you want to read some interesting reviews, you can check out those. The negative or the one star ones for not nice. And I'm okay with that because it's like, I'm going to be 100% me. And if you're listening to this podcast and you're a regular listener, perhaps it's more on the magnetic side. You're drawn to me being me. You like that I'm being me. And if not, if you listen to one episode and you're like, I hate this, then that's not for you. But I want to keep being me unapologetically. And that's what I encourage you to do as well. And when you take these risks, the risk to accept yourself, the risk to be fully expressive, the risk to be fully authentic, you will draw people to you. Not everyone. It's impossible, right? But your people all. You need the friendships you need the career opportunities, you need the romantic relationship that you want. That's what you'll get and that's what you need. Beautiful. So how are we going to put this into action? Time for action. Action, action. Your action step for today is to do 50 push ups. No, I don't know that's just random. But you got to get into action. So maybe do your 50 pushups and pick one of these. What do you need most? More self acceptance to be more expressive. More authenticity. Maybe all three, but whatever, just pick one and then find out one way that you can apply it. Maybe just share a little more openly. When someone asks you a question today about how you're doing that you can be more expressive or more authentic. Maybe when you are sharing something about your life, focus on being a little more expressive. That means revealing a little more detail, sharing with a bit more of your natural energy. Whether it's your face, your hands, your gestures, and some of the time you might need to think back to when you were younger, before you were as inhibited. How do you actually express yourself? Like when I was a kid, I used to make tons of silly faces and silly voices. So guess what I do now? Well, you can probably hear the voices. You don't see my face on here, but it's wacky. It's wacky town over here. So what is it for you? Practice that. That's your action step for today. And by the way, it's as I mentioned earlier in the episode Last Few Days to get the early bird to come to the conversation master eventually. And I cannot stress this enough, like when you come, you won't regret it. Your life will enhance in so many ways. So if you've been listening to this podcast for a long time and you're one of those people who've been in my world for years on the periphery, just check it out, test it out. Because it's powerful what we do there in those three days. And I want that experience for you to feel that freedom and that growth. So go to SocialConfidenceCenter.com to check that out more. Click on the Events tab on that page, socialconfidencecenter.com and we'll have a link below as well here at the podcast site, shrinkforthshyguy.com however you find it and if it's the right time, I would love to see you there in person. And in the meantime, go practice these elements of magnetic confidence until we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs eBooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence. Go to socialconfidencecenter.com. Sa.