12 Aug 2025 · 20 min
Dr. Aziz identifies the phrase "I can't because I'm scared" as a confidence killer and explains why it locks you into self-doubt. He offers practical steps to build confidence gradually and move past fear-based thinking.
Welcome to shrink for the shy guy. The show to help you break free from social anxiety, people pleasing and self doubt so you can speak up, connect and be 100% you. I'm Dr. Aziz, sharing tools that have transformed my life and thousands of others. Let's all liberate ourselves together. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today. Today I'm excited to share a five word lie that you've been telling yourself. Yes, I can know that you've been doing it because I've done it. We all do it. Every human does this. And yet it's one of the most ubiquitous, common, subtle, sneaky things that we tell ourselves that we believe and that other people believe too. So that if you hear someone else saying it, you're like, well, yeah, that's true for you as well. It's true for all of us. And we all buy into it. It's like a collective delusion that we all just agree is true. And then of course, when we're running it on ourselves, it has a very negative impact. So in this episode, you're gonna learn exactly what that lie is, why it's a lie. And at first when you hear it, you're like, no, no, no, no, no. It's true, Aziz. But trust me, if you wanna really liberate yourself to get confidence, this is the way out. And when I really got this, it changed everything. And it changed everything quickly. Not because you instantly become more confident or more skillful, but because it takes the breaks off of you. Building skill of confidence, assertiveness, speaking up for yourself, being authentic, going after what you want. I mean, it changes everything. So I know it might sound dramatic, but you'll see in just a moment. Why? Because it's such a pervasive thing that you tell yourself. So you ready? Ready to dive into it? Okay, here we go. What is the lie that you tell yourself? Well, it's. I can't because I'm scared. That's the story. That's the hook. I can't because I'm scared. And first of all, there's a lot going on here. I can't. A very interesting statement already. Are you sure you can't? How do you know what you can or can't do? Right. That's its own can of worms. And of course, we're going to narrow in here related to stuff you might want to do socially. Right? Because a lack of confidence is characterized by a lot of things that we feel like we can't do. Right. So when I had lacked confidence in My social life and dating life. I can't go approach that woman. I can't go start a conversation with that group of people. I can't speak up in front of a group. I can't be charming. I can't make jokes. I can't tell stories. I can't have a girlfriend. I can't. And you go to your career confidence, right? Like, I can't speak up on that. I can't be a leader. I can't do this or that. I can't earn this or that. I can't become that kind of, you know, develop those skills or whatever it is. And I see this all the time in my Mastermind program, where people have these stories, and then six months later, 12 months later, they're in a leadership position. And that doesn't mean that they're not scared along the way, though. That's the biggest problem is. So I can't. And then we use this super powerful word because. And there's a lot of fascinating research around this. In Robert Cialdini's work, he's got a book called Influence and another one called Pre Suasion. Both are very fascinating. But in Influence, he talks. I mean, he's a professor, academic fella that has studied a lot and done a lot of research on how people influence each other, you know, for good or ill. Right? Influence is not a bad thing. It's just a thing. It's a force. And it can be used for good or evil, like the force from Star Wars. But one fascinating thing was the word because. And there was these interesting studies where they put people had people try to cut in line. You know, like, there's a busy copier. This study was probably done back in the day before someone could just do things on their smartphone, you know, scan in images and send them digitally. But back in the day, you'd have to go to the copier, and there'd be a big line for the copier in the library at some, you know, college where he's working. And they would have someone try to cut in the line, which normally would be like, dude, you're not gonna cut in front. You know, it's kind of an annoying line. No one wants to be there anyway. And they found that if someone went up to try to cut in front of somebody and they came up with a story, and the story was totally bogus, like it didn't make any sense, but they used the word because that there was a significant increase in people letting the person in. And what followed the because didn't even have to be a good story. It's not like I need to make these copies right now because I got sick kid in the car or whatever that you. Oh, it's gonna pull on their heartstrings. No, it was. I need to cut in line. I gotta make these copies because I'm in a hurry, and people are like, whoa. Okay. So it's almost like the word because doesn't even need to be followed by a legitimate story. It's just. That's. That's all you need. And if you have young children, or you were at some point a young child, which I'm assuming you were, then you'll know this already because that's how a lot of arguments just go down. You need to give me this. You need to give me your seat on the couch. My kids like to. No one's sitting on the couch. And then all of a sudden, they have some telepathic link where they're like, let's go from, you know, you're in the kitchen and I'm over here playing the piano. We're gonna go to the couch at the same time and fight, right? Or one of them goes and lays down on the couch, and the other one stops what they're doing and says, okay, now it's time to fight about who gets on the couch. It's a big drama anyway. Uh, no, no, no. I need to be on the couch. Why? Because. Well, why? Because I, you know, because I was here first, because I needed to. Because this, because that and all the. What follows is just nonsense, right? It's all just because. And sometimes it just devolves into shouting because. So it's a powerful word. It conveys authority, reasoning, and truth, even if it's just a bunch of nonsense. And this is exactly is what's happening when we say I can't because. Insert nonsense. What's the nonsense? I'm scared they might say, hold on, Aziza. That's not nonsense. I am scared. I. You know, I'm scared to approach that person. I'm scared to speak up. I'm scared to say no. I'm scared to do whatever the thing is that a more confident version of me would do. 100%, I get it. That's right. I'm not saying you're not scared. I'm saying that those two statements are not in any way causally linked. They're bogus. So that's like saying, I can't make a turkey sandwich for lunch today because it's raining outside. Right? They're Two unrelated phenomena, the turkey sandwich making and the weather. It's there. And if you heard that statement, you'd be like, what? And you start to try to make a link. You say, wait, wait, why can't you? It's the. You'd really have to make a stretch, right? Is the bread outside out of a bag? Did it get wet? What are you talking about? Right? You'd really struggle to find the link. And so if someone gave you that kind of reasoning in life, you'd kind of think, okay, that's. That's inaccurate, or that doesn't make any sense. But if someone said, oh, I want to give this presentation at work, oh, but I'm not. I don't think I'm going to do it, or I'm not going to take the position. I was just talking to someone yesterday who was wanting, you know, had. The recruiter is going after them and going after them. The recruiter's giving them opportunities like they're. They're in collaboration together. And. But the recruiter is encouraging and saying, hey, we can get you a better position than where you are right now. We can get you into a more senior position, more, you know, higher impact, more choice, more direction in what you do in your career, more pay. It's an upgrade. And this person I was talking to is like, nah, I don't know if I'm not sure I'm gonna do it, you know? And I was like, oh, tell me more. Right? Cause there could be a lot of reasons. It's maybe it's like, yeah, you get paid more, but you got way more stress and responsibility. Maybe you don't want. Yeah, there was some concern about the stress, but it wasn't that they really didn't want that thing in their next step. It was, I'm not enough. I'm not good at leadership. I'm gonna have to deal with people. I suck at dealing with people. I'm so uncomfortable with conflict. It was niceness and low career confidence and not believing in their capacity in themselves that made them terrified. And to me, this person was exploring potentially working with me and then decided that she wasn't ready. But to me, it was pretty clear that she was going to shy away from these opportunities in her career. And that's just what we do until we don't. And so she might say, I want to get this leadership position. I want to deal with more people and be more assertive and lead. And a friend says, well, great, why don't you? Well, I can't. Why? Because I'M scared. Or we add a sixth word and then we say, I'm too scared. Right. It's like the fear makes it impossible. And that's the essence of the story and the lie. The fear makes it impossible. So is that something? Now, look, people are not necessarily saying this out loud. I'm dramatizing it, dramaticizing it. Is that the word? I'm taking the quiet part and saying it out loud. Right. A lot of the stuff is just happening in your head, and it's usually quick flitting, not totally formed verbal thoughts that you just agree with. But if we were to unpack it, that's what you're probably saying to yourself about certain things. I can't, because I'm too scared. So where might you, if you're not saying that to yourself actively, but you're kind of living as if that's true, where that might be happening? Is that happening for you at work? Is there certain things you would do but you're, oh, I can't because I'm too scared. Or socially. How about your love life? Right? So really look around your world because there are things that we're shying away from because we're too scared. And look, I'm not here to be some, you know, macho David Goggins Navy SEAL guy who's like, shut up, you wimp. You get out there, right? But what we want to do is see clearly the truth because the truth will set you free and it'll give you more options and more choice. So I'm not saying that you have to go do the thing that scares you most right now, you wimp. Come on. Right? That's not me. So if you're hearing it that way, I don't know where that's coming from, but it's not coming from me. I don't believe in that. And all my systems and the mastermind program that I run that help people create radical transformation are based upon a much more intelligent, compassionate, consistent, gradual approach rather than push someone to the deep end. I think that's generally pretty stupid. Now, having said that, though, in the compassion is a compassionate calling out an inquiry into statements like, I can't. Why? Why can't I? Because I'm scared. Okay, let's investigate that. And when we investigate that, we say, wait a minute, what exactly does that mean? So I'll guide people through it. It's like, well, what if you were to go do it? Well, I can't. But if you were, what would happen? And I'll guide him through it will you start to feel squeezing in your chest? Will you have a hard time breathing? Are you going to pass out? Are we talking panic? Are we going to throw up? Right. And usually as I really probe into with some, they're like, no, I'm just going to be really awkward. I'm going to freeze. I'm going to be silent. I'm going to make a fool of myself. Okay, all right. So maybe a more accurate way to say it is I can go over and talk to those people that I don't know and try to start a conversation with them, but I'm imagining I will freeze or I'll not know what to say after the initial opener. And then they're all going to look at me and they're going to think I'm a weirdo and I'm going to, like, flee in shame. Right? You might say, yeah, that's what I said as ease. No, you said, I can't because I'm scared. And I'm saying, you can. It might be a flaming wreckage, but you can go talk to those people. You might say, well, dude, hold on a second here. What is the difference? That sounds pretty much like the same thing. You're just talking semantics. No, I'm not talking semantics. This is a radical world of difference because one puts it in the realm of impossibility and not my fault and not within my realm of choice, and I'll never get there. Into the realm of hell, helplessness and hopelessness, and perpetuating this problem literally for the rest of your life, potentially. Not to sound dramatic here, but that's what I see. I've seen it in people. I've talked to people every day who are. Whatever decade you are, they're a decade older than you, and they've just been living that story out for all. And they got people around them that reinforce it. Oh, yeah, it's so hard. Oh, yeah, it's impossible. Oh, yeah, you have this condition and you have this, and this is your diagnosis, and this is the reason why, and your upbringing and your past. And maybe we need to work on the past for 15 more years, and then. And then the fear will go away, and it never does. So then I still can't. And look, I'm not here to say that the fear is not there or that it's not uncomfortable, but the truth is, and this is the truth that's going to set you free is I can go do that. And that sounds really, really uncomfortable. And I'm imagining it's going to be really Painful. And so I don't want to. Isn't that true? Isn't that more true? And look, this isn't some sneaky back door to say, well, then shut up and go do it. That's not my agenda. That's not. I'm saying we want to name that because once we've named that, well, then there's a lot of other options. Right? Okay, well, how uncomfortable is it on a scale of 1 to 10 is what level of discomfort am I willing to go into? Am I willing to have it be? I won't go into 10, but I'll go into 5. And how do I know? How do I know how uncomfortable it's going to be? And could I survive a certain level of discomfort? And a question I like to ask people is, are you willing to be temporarily uncomfortable to create liberation or an extraordinary life? And if the answer to that is no, well, okay, that's good to know too, about yourself. That's okay. Again, I'm not here to tell people what they should or shouldn't do. I'm not. You don't have to be more confident. That might not be your agenda. And that's okay. That's okay. But I know for me, I want to. Liberation matters to me. Being free, being confident, being alive, being fully alive really matters to me. And so I'm willing to be uncomfortable. I'm willing to be uncomfortable a lot to create the extraordinary. Now that, having said that, we don't just brute force it. So let's say someone says, yeah, I'm willing to be uncomfortable, but man, that sounds terrible. That's so much. Then I say, great, great. What can we do to mitigate that or scale it back a little bit? So walking into that group of 15 people and telling a funny story to engage them just makes you freak out inside. Can you share a story with a friend or do you always hold back or do you just rush through the story and you don't tell them anything. You just give the bullet point facts and they don't seem that engaged. And you say, well, you see, I knew they wouldn't be engaged. By the way, if that's happening for you. Great news. I'm doing a virtual event later in this year. It's called Supremely Confident Conversation Master. We're going to be running it in the fall virtual event. You can join from anywhere. Stay tuned. If you're not on my email list, get on there. You get a special super early bird access and just go to draziz.com and enter your Email to get my free training and get on my email list if you're not already there. But in there we have a bonus session in the VIP that's all about telling stories and being able to hold the center of attention. So that's why I just thought of that. But stay tuned for more on that. But that might be overwhelming. And that's okay. We just titrate it back and we say, can you share the story with one person? And we can do this in every arena, whether it's social, confidence, dating, career. I'm always like scaling it to what feels like it's uncomfortable but doable. That's the name of the game. But as long as we're living with I can't though. I can't, I can't. Then we never can explore these edges. We're never willing to probe and see what's really true. And that's why this lie can keep most people stuck for most years of their life. So let's talk about how to turn this in action. Time for action. Action. Action. Your action step is to find one thing that you feel like you can't do because it's too scary. Now that might be underneath another story that says, I can't because I'm not good enough, because I'll fail because, because, because. But underneath all those is just fear, right? I'm too scared, it's too uncomfortable. So make the bridge from fear to discomfort. It's uncomfortable. The fear is uncomfortable. Okay, what, like how? Ask those questions I was talking about earlier in this episode. How uncomfortable? On a scale of 1 to 10, how uncomfortable are you willing to be and can you. What can you do? That's brings it down to a number that's you feel willing to handle, to manage. This is the name of the game. And if you're listening to this and you're like that all sounds great as ease, I'm probably not going to do that. You're not alone. And that's why I am not just recording this podcast, but most of my time is helping people real time. Whether it's at a virtual event like I was mentioning or ongoing work together. I have a program called Confidence University that's in depth training. You can follow along step by step videos and or for the fast track to radical transformation. You might have heard me talk about my Mastermind program, the Unstoppable Confidence Mastermind. You can go to draziZ-R-A z I z.com and look under coaching to find out more about that because that's where we really help people come up with this plan, come up with what are the actions, have accountability and support, work through the fears. We didn't even get into this episode of is there a way to change how uncomfortable it is? Because oftentimes what makes it so uncomfortable is not the event, it's the way you're perceiving it, right? So for me, when I would go approach, I was terrified to approach women when I was younger because there was a way I was holding it as this horrifying evaluation of my self worth and that she was going to look at me with utter disgust. That makes it really uncomfortable, man. Is there a way to be with it that's a little more relaxed? Well, there is so many. If you want support, absolutely. Reach out through my website and otherwise apply this in your life. And I hope this serves you. And I can't wait to hear more about your experience, your journey. Let's keep going until we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon.
Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Azeez. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've done, just heard. Please let them know and send them a link to shrinkfortheshyguy. Com. For free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter. Com.
