The Best Part About Being Disliked

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're gonna learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're gonna be talking about getting disliked and how that is actually one of the best things, things that can possibly happen to you. And you're going to discover in this episode why being disliked is beneficial, what it opens up for you, how it grows you, and specifically how being disliked can actually build your confidence. And I know that's completely counterintuitive and might seem like the thing that you want to avoid, like a painful thing that if it were to happen again and again, you'd be worse off, your confidence would be worse. But actually, what you're going to discover in today's episode is it can actually help you. In fact, I like to think about being disliked as the gift that keeps on giving. So I'm going to explain what that means in today's episode and more. I'm excited to dive in with you. If you've been listening to this show for any length of time and benefiting from it, I invite you to take just a moment to go to Spotify or itunes or Apple podcasts, whatever that you're listening to this on, and give it a review. That's a great way to contribute to this and help support me in reaching more people, which is the whole goal behind this podcast, and providing free information for people who want to break free from social anxiety and excessive niceness and become more boldly themselves. So hopefully it's benefiting you and let's help it benefit and reach others. So being disliked, I mean, at the end of the day, isn't that the whole core fear around social anxiety and niceness is if I approach this person, if I share, if I speak up, if I let myself be seen, known, if I stand out, if I am more real or direct or assertive, all those things that we're afraid of, what are we afraid of? We're afraid of the other person not liking us. They're going to Judge me, they're going to criticize me, they're going to feel aversion, they're going to feel repulsion towards me and not want to hang out with me, not want to help me and not want to talk to me and see me as a bad person. And so we can construct our. Our entire identity, your entire way of being in the world, to avoid that. So the nice person's way of doing that is to be pleasing and polite and accommodating and say yes and do what other people want. So how could they possibly dislike me? And the social anxiety approach to that is, well, if I hide and I don't let. If I don't even show up and I'm invisible in plain sight, then they can't dislike me. I don't speak much in conversations. I don't share much of myself. So what's the dislike? And these can become lifelong patterns, lifestyles that can go on for decades. Now, obviously, if you're listening to this show, you're looking for solutions and you don't want to live this way anymore. So we got to face the elephant in the room, which is, well, what happens when I am disliked? That's the thing that I'm so afraid of. And if I speak up, I might be disliked. And I want to tell you directly here at the beginning of this show. Yeah, yeah, you will. And I do believe that's a. That's a big part of the work that I do with clients is helping them emotionally come to terms with that. I mean, I think intellectually, everyone kind of gets that. Like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, everybody can't like you. I get it, I get it. That's the same way we all get we're gonna die, right? Like, yeah, that's what happens. We're all gonna die. And you could know that intellectually and be completely emotionally unprepared and terrified about that. In fact, most people are around death, and so same thing for being disliked. So a big part of helping people liberate themselves, to become fully confident in the world, to connect, to go after the life that they really want is coming to terms with that you're going to be disliked and how to emotionally handle that, tolerate that, and ultimately not live in chronic fear of that. I'd say that's a big part of the unstoppable confidence that I'm helping to create with people. And there's a couple different layers to this. The first layer is that you are willing to possibly be disliked. That means you are not hiding and holding back and people pleasing and practicing all the patterns of social anxiety and niceness. And when you do that, you're gonna discover two things. One, well, people don't always dislike you for speaking up. When you go approach that person, they might be positive in responding to you, which is a great insight and part of the liberation as well. And other times they're gonna ignore you, they're gonna reject you, they're not gonna like you, they're gonna blow you off. And they might do it kindly, they might do it harshly, they might do it derisively or mockingly. And then what do you do with that? Because that's the most uncomfortable thing that we're so scared of. And one way of working with that is to tolerate it. So the first step in tolerate, think of it like a cold exposure. Not sure if you've done cold showers. I'm sure I've talked about them in this show. About four, four or five months ago now, maybe even six, I upgraded my cold game. We got a cold plunge, sits outside of our house. So I've been doing that most mornings, I could say every morning, but let's realistically say most mornings. And man, that thing is, that thing is a constant teacher. Holy cow. It's very uncomfortable. And you endure it. Some days it feels really like I get in there and I feel amazing. And other days it's like, when's my three minutes gonna be up? Good God. So that's one way of working with the being disliked is you tolerate it. But like the cold plunge, what if it's good for you? And this is the key distinction in this episode. And this is a life changing shift because you can, A, avoid being disliked all the time, which you've probably done a long time in your life. You're done with that. B, okay, I'm going to go out there, I'm going to be me, I'm going to put myself out there, I'm going to take risks and I'm sometimes going to be disliked. And when it happens, it's going to be like someone shot an arrow into my arm, but I'm going to keep going. And there's definitely some more power in that than the hiding method. But there's something there where it still feels like something terrible has happened and you're injured from the dislike. And the new idea that I want to share with you today is what if it's like a cold plunge where it's painful but it's actually good for you. And if you want to get indoctrinated into why cold exposure is great. Just go listen to some Andrew Huberman human encyclopedic downloading of information about why cold plunges are great or any other information online I'm sure you can find. So once you know that it's good for you, you start to interpret the pain differently. It doesn't make it not feel bad. It changes the way that you approach the bad feelings so that you are taking them on more, you're resisting them less, you're fighting it less. You're saying, okay, I am choosing this. I'm choosing to do this because I know it's going to benefit me. And I'm going to say that. Choosing to be real and yourself and authentic and expressive and bold, knowing that you'll be disliked. And then when you get the dislike, that's the medicine that's good for you. So how the hell can being disliked be good for you? Well, we are operating much of our lives in this inauthentic state to avoid it because we're so afraid of it, we're so uncomfortable with it. And then when you get it, when you finally get the dose of dislike and I'm not talking about you, imagine somebody dislikes you like, oh, maybe they were a little upset with me at the party because I didn't listen to their story or I made a joke and they might not have laughed, I'm not sure. And you're kind of worried about it afterwards. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about when someone is, is clear that they are upset with you, they don't like you. And to put a, you know, make it even more uncomfortable or intense, let's say they don't like you and they see you in a certain way that you don't want to be seen as, you don't think that's true about you. They see you as mean or selfish or self serving or cruel or careless or something, whatever phrase, word you don't want to be seen as, they see you as that and they don't like you. So now you're feel like you're not being seen accurately and you're being disliked. It's the worst, but it's also the best because it's, it's like pinning you down and there's no squirming away from it. There's no denying it. There's a great Seinfeld episode from back in the day where George is and if you don't know the show Seinfeld because this is too old of a reference that's okay. It's a comedy sitcom. And there's these two guys, George and Jerry, right? And Jerry is dating a woman. And George, they have a double date. And it's very clear that Jerry's new girlfriend does not like George. George could feel it. She was just pretty, pretty. She didn't straight up say I don't like you. But her energy was very much saying that. So George and Jerry are sitting at the coffee shop the next day and they're talking and George is trying to suss out from Jerry like, so does she like me or what? And so finally he just says like, hey, so you know, what did she say? And he said, he said something like, oh, does she like me? And Jerry's like. And he's like, what were her exact words? And he's like, I don't like him. So when you really get that like I don't like you and you're pinned down and then you start to squirm. This is how the medicine works. You start to squirm and you get to see all, all of your freakout and all of your patterns and all of your suffering and all of your self loathing and all of your fear and all of the stuff that comes up when someone doesn't like you. And guess what? There's no avoiding it now. You have to work with it. You have to face it. Because you can't run away and hide. You've already been boldly in yourself enough to receive the dislike. And you can't tell yourself, oh, it's all in my head. It's mind reading. They don't really like me. And maybe it's. Maybe they do like me. I don't know. No, it's very clear. They don't. And they made it very clear. Now what do you do? Well, now you're forced to find new ways of being. You're going to confront the thing that you're afraid of. And that is the essence of exposure. Which is the most liberating practice in psychology, which is to do the thing that scares you. Because as you avoid what scares you, the fear grows bigger and you grow weaker. And when you turn towards the thing that you're afraid of, the fear diminishes and you grow stronger in your capacity to face your own life and be who you really are in the world unapologetically. And so now there's that person disliking you and you are writhing around terrible. Trust me, I've been there. I've had. And this can come from you. Know, depending upon your sensitivity to dislike. You know, a stranger gives you a bad look all the way up to a co worker, colleague, client, supervisor, friend, family member, partner, child, parent. And generally the closer in that person is, the more it can disturb you. And so let yourself be disturbed. Let yourself squirm and bring your full attention and awareness to it. And the key is to realize this is good. For me, this is medicine. This is like a cold plunge. This is something that's like a hard workout. It's uncomfortable when you're doing the, you know, you're running up the hill or whatever, but it's good for you. It's making you stronger. And you know that when it comes to a physical workout. But bring that same mentality to this. It truly is. Now it doesn't feel that way. Just like when you're running up a hill, you might not feel very strong at all. You might be feel like you're dying. And that's what this might feel like. You might feel like you're dying for a little while. And maybe part of you is, maybe the part of you is getting burned up and it's all the old stuff that doesn't need to be there anyway. All the stuff that's not you. And so now when we're squirming and we're fighting and we're thrashing, eventually at some point you say, okay, all right, I gotta do something different here, I gotta do something different. And if your plan is to say, okay, I'm never gonna put myself out there again, I'm never gonna take a risk again, I'm never gonna be seen and known again, then you're not getting the right lesson. In this case, it's actually, wow, what do I need to strengthen in me? What do I need to let go of? And those are the big ones. I mean, probably the first thing is to really deeply on a fundamental way surrender, needing to control how someone sees you. Because we can spend our whole lives hustling and trying to impression manage and make sure people see us in a certain way. And when you can't make that happen, when you realize how powerless you are to really control the perception of another person, you can fight it and fight it and fight it and fight it. But the more you fight it, the more painful it is. And when the pain gets bad enough, those are some of the most profound opportunities to deeply let go and surrender and say, you know what? Okay, I relent. And it's not just an intellectual thing. It's a whole physiological, your body, your Nervous system, your emotion, your heart will just. Okay, I get it. I get it, right? And it's almost like our pride prevents us from relenting that illusion of control. And eventually, when the pain is bad enough, we just give in and say, okay, fine, I can't control this person. See, this. My person might see me as this way, okay? And then you realize I'm still breathing. I'm still living. My world doesn't crash down. I don't lose all my other friends. I don't lose my job. I don't lose my business. I don't lose my life, even though so and so sees me in this bad light. And then you also have an opportunity to start to strengthen something inside of you, which is, who am I? Who do I want to be? How do I want to respond to this? And the thing that starts to die is the role that you've been trying to play. I'm going to be the good employee, the good friend, the good son, the good daughter, the good boss. In my case, the good coach, the counselor. Got to play it this certain way, and instead it's like, well, who. How do I really want to be? Who am I really? So maybe you were in a relationship and you kept trying and trying to be the good partner, the good partner, and it just wasn't worked. And maybe, you know, the person you're with would kind of nitpick at you and bicker with you, and. And then they still didn't like you and eventually broke up with them. And then you were super the bad guy. And after you thrashed around and suffering and pain and misery, at some point, you really surrendered deeply. Like, they can see me as the bad guy. I don't have control over that. And then you also said, wait a minute. Who do I really want to be in relationship? I was trying to be the good guy. And that didn't work. Anyway, who am I really? And so I had this big time, you know, in my. This started with the nice guy way of being, but then it really amplified it, you know, into my early days in clinical psychology training and as a counselor. And we learned some of the more reflective, empathically focused types of therapy, like one's called Rogerian therapy, where you just. All you are is like a beaming, positive sounding board, you know, like, yeah, I'm here with you. I'm here with you. And I think it's an important part of connection and supporting people and coaching and counseling. But that's not all. But that really amplified what I should be doing in My mind. So that tacked onto the nice guy role. And I did that for a while, then eventually realized, like, no, that's not how I coach. That's not how I teach. That's not how I work with people. And so I adopted a style that's a lot more free and expressive and direct. And I flow between telling stories or asking someone direct questions or even calling someone out and saying what I'm seeing. But I noticed that when someone, especially a client, was upset with me, I would flip back into that. Okay, tell me more. Ah, yes, I see. And reflecting everything back and just helping them feel really, really, really heard. And that's kind of like the standard, I guess, advice or guidance for when someone's upset with you. And there's a time for that, for sure, to hear the other person. And there's a time to push back. There's a time to challenge. There's a time to say, well, wait a minute, if you're upset with that, why didn't you tell me about this six months ago? Right? And really being real with the person. And so I had a situation where a client was upset with me, and I thrashed around and thrashed around and felt bad and felt like I was failing. Then at one point I realized, like, wow, wow. He expressed that to me. I was way, way too nice. I was playing the role of the therapist. Why? Because I was afraid of the direct contact, the direct conflict. And I was trying to be good so that he would like me again. Even just reflecting on it and saying, it's like, yuck, ew, Ew. Right? So it was such a profound gift, though, because I remember I was sitting there meditating after this interaction with him, and just there was no two ways about it. He didn't like me, and there were so many things he didn't like about me. It kind of ballooned into, like, not just, you know, our work together, but sort of all aspects of my style, my personality, and my programs and everything. And I've had people dislike me before, but this one was so thorough and someone that I'd worked with, too. And so there was no escaping it. And so eventually it broke inside and I just surrendered. It's like I don't have control over whether someone likes me or not. I really don't. And how do I want to be? Who do I want to be? How do I want to coach? How do I want to teach? How do I want to handle it when someone's upset with me? And more and more clarity and strength came from it. And it's been something that has already borne fruit. I've had other instances in my life where I've been more direct or I didn't flip into this kind of fawning counselor mode when someone's upset so they just feel heard and I'm trying to placate them, almost telling myself this is the most effective way to do it, but really I'm just scared. So being disliked is the gift that keeps on giving. And in fact, I bet you you can see this in your own life with this action step here. Time for action, action, action. Your action step is to look at a circumstance in your life where you were disliked and there was no way to escape it. And maybe when you look at that now, it's still just painful and it taught you kind of the wrong lessons where it showed you to be more cautious, more restrictive, more not you, more pleasing, more held back, and instead look at what can happen if you truly let go of needing to control how that person sees you. And what if you use it as a springboard to decide how do you want to be moving forward in conflict? How do you want to be able to respond to people? How do you want to be in whatever role it is as a boss, as a friend, as an employee, as a teacher, as a child, as a partner and using the dislike not as a thing that's showing you that you're bad and broken and awful, but really as a sign of look, I'm not for everybody. People are going to have different preferences. But who the heck do I want to be in this life that would have been much more satisfying to curse there. But trying to restrain the cursing in these episodes so that people can listen to them in the car with their children. So if you're listening to this episode in the car with your child, you're welcome. Do you see how I used heck there? That was. That was a forceful heck. Beautiful. Thanks for being with me today. I hope this serves you. And I can't wait for you to receive the gift that keeps on giving of going out there and being disliked until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com it.