Dr. Aziz explains how social anxiety runs on negative predictions about judgment and rejection. These predictions protect you from risk and confirm a stable identity. The fix: take repeated social risks, practice skills, and build rejection tolerance so uncertainty stops paralyzing you.
When you're experiencing social anxiety, afraid to put yourself out there, that is not an accident. That is not something that's befalling you like a storm. It is a pattern that you are running. And in this video you're going to discover one of the key linchpins of that pattern, that when you pull that thing out, the whole machine can start to crumble and the cage is broken and you're able to step out there and be fully yourself. So watch this video to the end to learn exactly how to do that. I'm Dr. Aziz. I'm the founder of the center for Social Confidence and I have five best selling books from the Solution to Social Anxiety to Not Nice, all focused on confidence. And I want to share tips from those books, from the CALLS and Mastermind program that I run, from coaching that I lead, from events that I run. All the best stuff in these YouTube videos so you can find your own path to freedom. And in this video I want to share one of the key patterns of social anxiety. So obviously you probably know what social anxiety is, but basically, to sum it up, it's I'm afraid of you, right? I'm afraid of people, I'm afraid of being judged. I think on some level there's something wrong with me and that you're going to see that and you're not going to like me, you're not going to date me, you're not going to be my friend. And so you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to avoid. I'm going to avoid putting myself out there. I'm going to avoid living my life. That's social anxiety in a nutshell. And the biggest contributor to that pattern is what you're going to learn in this video, which is your predictions. The predictions are what keep that whole machine running. It's like a propaganda machine. And the predictions for social anxiety are always, what do you think? Positive or negative. Right. If you think I'm going to go talk to that person and this could be my new best friend, ooh, look at her. I'm going to go approach her and we're probably going to have a great date and some hot sex. Right? Yeah. That's not what's happening. When I lived in a cage of social anxiety, trust me, those thoughts were not going through my head when I saw a beautiful woman. No, it was more like, ugh. Right. What is that reaction that, ugh. That kind of deflated discourage because there's a prediction there that says if I were to go talk to her what? She's not gonna want to talk to me. She's not gonna think I'm worthy. She's gonna be irritated, like, bothered. Who's this loser talking to me? Same thing goes for approaching people to be friends. Same things for speaking up. If I speak up, I'm gonna make a fool of myself. People are gonna laugh at me. People are gonna judge me. And when I say these things, if you experience social anxiety, you nod your head and say, yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about. Because you're buying into the same BS propaganda machine that I did for many years instead of spitting out negative, catastrophic, terrifying predictions. The problem is not these predictions. Your mind can keep spitting them out all day long. Your mind says all kinds of things that are maybe completely wrong, right? Tomorrow it's gonna be, I'm gonna have a bad day at work. Tomorrow I'm gonna have a great day at work that, you know, we don't know. And yet we lock on the negative predictions with certainty. Because then why? Well, then two things happen. One, you don't have to take the risk. I didn't approach anyone for dating for many years of my life. Why? Because I know how it's gonna go. What does that do? It serves to protect me from the risk. Protect me from the discomfort of rejection of something going wrong, quote, unquote. On the flip side, it also blocks you from having anything going right? But it's. Social anxiety is a protective strategy. It's damage control. It's downsized. It's not about living your best life. It's about surviving until you get to the grave. That's what social anxiety is. And then people get towards the end of their life and they're like, oh, my God, what have I done? That's why you're watching these videos, to make the changes sooner before the end of your life. So that's one thing that happens, is we get to avoid the risk. The other thing that happens is you get to get a sense of stability and control through certainty that you're right about your identity. I know that's kind of a big mouthful, but what that means is if I think I'm a loser that she's not going to talk to, that they're not going to like as a friend. And then I don't go approach anyone. I get to keep my story that I'm a loser and it feels true, you might say, well, that's a pretty terrible thing. Why would you want to keep that? Because we'll cling to whatever we got certainty. Even if it's in a terrible identity, feels better than I don't know now that can shift for you. When I work with people and they start to take more risks in their life, I don't know, can be very, very exciting. And to stay with the dating theme, because that's what I've used as examples in this video. There is a tipping point in my life. After enough risk, after enough practicing the social skills that I teach in these videos and other places, after enough learning, through doing, enough building my rejection tolerance by getting rejected, sometimes even on purpose to build my muscle of rejection tolerance. After doing all of that, my identity started to change and I thought, you know, maybe some women would be interested in dating me. Maybe I am attractive. And then when I saw a woman that I was really drawn to, there would be a tinge of fear like ooh. You know, I'm not sure how it's going to go a little bit like ooh. And excitement, energy, draw passion like ooh, ooh. What's going to happen here? I don't know. So as you grow, as you go on offense, as you build confidence, the I don't know becomes not just tolerable, it might even become where the juice of life is. So share down below in the comments what you're finding most valuable from this video. What are you going to apply in your life? And until we speak again, we have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon.
