The Cause Of Shyness

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon. Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy, helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz.

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. I'm your host, Dr. Aziz. Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon. This is our second show. We made it through the first one and everything went according to plan without explosions. And today is a particularly exciting show because today we're going to get into what is the cause of shyness and social anxiety. You know, when you strip away all of the ideas that we tell ourselves, all the reasons why things are going to go wrong, all of the self criticism, all that stuff that makes up social anxiety, what's underneath that, what is the cause of this challenge? Because if you understand the cause, then you can start to work towards the solution. So I'm going to get into that in this episode. And this material is incredibly valuable to the people that I share it with. And when we explore it in sessions and people start to see what the cause is, there's this light bulb that starts to go off and you realize that, hey, wait a minute, you mean the cause is just this one thing that I'm doing repeatedly in my own mind and there's something that I can do about it. So I'm going to get into that in this episode, and I hope it has as big of an effect that it has that it had on me when I first learned this and then on each person that I've shared it with over the years. What I want to start with, though, is just a brief review of what is shyness. As we talked about in the last podcast, shyness consists of two things. That is the prediction of a negative response. There's someone you want to talk to and you don't because you predict something negative would happen, or you are already talking to that person and you have there's something specific you want to say or there's a joke you want to make, but you don't. And that's because you're predicting some sort of negative response. And then as you remember, the second part of the shyness is that you inhibit yourself. That means you predict a negative response, but you don't go do it anyway. You conclude that it would not work out, it would go poorly. And so you end up not saying anything. And as you're listening to this, you might be thinking, well, I don't know. I don't know if I really predict negative outcomes like that. I mean, I think I just Feel nervous? Well, let's explore that a little bit because I think there is something underneath the nervousness, or another way of saying that is there's something that causes the nervousness. So take a moment to imagine a scenario and let's just see what emerges for you. So, you know, go ahead and close your eyes. If you're driving, that's probably a bad idea. So just visualize this with your eyes open. Imagine it in your head. But I want you to think of being in the supermarket that you shop at most regularly, where you get all your stuff and you're in the supermarket and you see a beautiful, compelling woman. That's just your type. And let's say you're single. And if you're not right now, just imagine the time when you were and you were open to meeting someone. Would you go talk to her? It reminds me of the movie Speed, which I was a huge fan of when I was a kid. Watched it multiple times, one of the few movies that I owned on vhs. And there was a line in that where the line was like, there's a man holding a woman hostage. What do you do? What do you do? And that's the question here. There's a woman that you're attracted to in the supermarket. There's an opportunity to talk with her. Pop quiz. What do you do? Well, if you're like me and most guys that are shy, you don't go talk with her. That's the first thing that you certainly don't do. I spent many years in a place where that was totally, totally off limits. And I had my reasons. And I want you to think of. So if you weren't going to go talk with her, what would be your reasons? In fact, why don't you think of several reasons? What would you tell yourself that would stop you from going over there and starting a conversation with her? Give you a second just to do that. What I'm going to do in a minute is I'm going to read a list of the top 10 reasons that a guy might not go talk to a woman. A shy guy might talk himself out of engaging and starting a conversation with that woman, even if he's attracted to her, even if he's single and looking to meet someone. These are actually drawn from my forthcoming book, the Solution to Social Anxiety, which is going to be available@Amazon.com and there's a section in there that calls the top 10 reasons why you might not start a conversation. And so here they are. And you might relate to some of these. These Might be building on some of the thoughts you had, or they might be different thoughts than you have. The first is the idea that that would be weird. Someone would think that was strange. It's unusual. Two, she would think I was hitting on her and then get annoyed with me, irritated with me. That's a huge one for guys. Is that somehow my attention, my attraction, my, you know, me being interested in you is somehow repulsive. This is one of the most painful aspects of shyness. And this gives a clue as to what the cause is. So the next one, number three is she will be freaked out. That's the idea, is that she's going to be bothered or disturbed in some way by you starting a conversation with her. This one, number four is great. Other people will see me get rejected and then judge me. Maybe they won't say anything, but they'll think like, oh, God, that guy's such a loser. What a weirdo loser. That fear that I dubbed the bystander effect can cripple us from going out there because we just get locked in our tracks of, oh, my God, what if that person saw? Or we get really limited. Like, well, I could only approach someone if no one was else around. It was an earshot. And that's incredibly limiting and one of the many things that we can say to ourselves that prevent us from putting ourselves out there. So number five is, I don't have anything good to say. I can get into all these. I'm going to actually get into all these in a later episode where we're going to break through and bust them. So you can not believe them as much. But that's a really common one, right? It's the idea that we have to have something incredibly articulate, hilarious, witty, that's so amazing that it just blows the other person away in order to just start a conversation with them. Number six, she's probably in a relationship already, so I just won't go talk with her. That one's my favorite because it's totally unverifiable unless there's someone with her that clearly looks like her boyfriend or her husband and they're, you know, walking arm in arm and buying groceries together. But. But this often is used even when there's no person around, she's alone, and we say, oh, she's probably in a relationship. Which, as if you think about it, is really, you can see just a reason to not go talk with her. And I'm going to get into in a minute why we have all these reasons, and they stem from this deeper Cause or root of shyness and social anxiety. So I'm going to get through the next few a little quicker here. Number seven is she's out of my league. Number number eight is I don't have enough money, so what could I offer her? Number nine, there's no way that she'd want to be with a guy like me. And number 10, it will go terribly wrong and then I'll feel embarrassed afterwards and awful about myself and just beat myself up for the rest of the week. And that one is the one that can hold guys hostage for the longest time. Not the actual rejection from the woman or the person they wanted to start the conversation with, but the self rejection that follows for the next hours, days, sometimes even weeks following an event like that. So what's going on here? Why are we talking ourselves out of doing something that we ultimately want? And there's a few other ways that we might talk ourselves out of. Like we might say, well, I'm not really into a relationship right now, I don't really want this. And that's just something we can sometimes tell ourselves because it's too painful to realize that we really do want it. But we're too scared or we're too paralyzed by worry about rejection that just doesn't feel very good. So we stay in a place of more feeling better about ourselves by saying, yeah, I could, but I don't want to. Another thing which I like is the, well, she's not that attractive anyway. Now it's a really common one. I start working with guys and we go out to a place to practice in the field and I say, well, what about her? Look at her and say, yeah, she's alright, but she's not really attractive to me. And I'm like, well, this is just practice. This is not about finding your new life partner. This is just about getting yourself out there. I don't know, she's not that attractive. So it's just this excuse that we use because we're nervous, we're scared, and where are all these reasons coming from? Why do we have so many damn reasons to prevent ourselves from going and talking to a woman, or talking with a group of people, or developing friendships or doing anything that involves reaching out to people. And the reason is there's one cause deeper than all of these excuses and reasons that we give ourselves in our head and that is driving us to come up with this stuff. It's driving us to not go interact with her, to inhibit ourselves. And it's driving us to predict negative outcomes and that is the cause of shyness. I'm going to share what that is right after this message. We'll be back in just one moment.

Okay, so you're listening to Dr. Aziz and thinking, hmm, maybe there is something I can do to build my confidence. But the question is what? This podcast is a great start, but if you really want to make some headway, you have to learn two things. First, you have to learn how to transform your self esteem. You have to learn how to like who you are when without that, true confidence is impossible. Second, you have to master some basic social skills. Eye contact, body language, starting conversations, small talk, meeting women, and all the rest. In order to get the confidence you need, you have to learn these things. And there's no better place to start than with Dr. Aziz's the Confidence Code, a DVD training program that teaches you exactly how to maximize your self esteem and and master your social skills. To learn more, check out your confidencecode.com.

Welcome back. I want to tell you a story about a man named Eric. Eric is a guy who came to see me. He's 22, lives with his folks. He just finished college and is now in the process of trying to get a job, which he was struggling with. He was also having a hard time sustaining friendships. He had a few acquaintances. He had an old friend that he actually had a hard time being around. And he did not have a girlfriend and no prospects or opportunities when it came to dating and relationships. And as we started to explore this, his life circumstances and I asked him what he wanted, sure enough, he wanted to have a job in a field that was satisfying to him. He wanted to be able to deepen friendships and hang out with his old friend and really enjoy the experience like he used to. And he of course wanted to be able to meet women, pursue women that he found attractive and compelling, and then have a girlfriend, have a great relationship with someone that he really loved and cared about. And when we explored, well, what's getting in the way, what's stopping you from doing this? And he had lots of ideas. Well, first he said, you know, I just, I'm not that interesting in conversations. I'm kind of boring. And then he said, you know, and I just, I don't really see why anyone would like me. I mean, I don't have much to offer and I don't really even like myself. I'm kind of this, I got nothing going on. I live in my folks house. I'm kind of a loser. And it's very unlikely that someone would want to hang out with me because even if they did, for a little while, they'd realize I was a boring loser and then they, they'd be done. And this was just about hanging out with his friends or finding friends to hang out with. This was not even in the realm of meeting a woman and dating relationships. When we got to that, it was, well, look at me. I mean, I'm overweight, I got glasses, my hair kind of doesn't fall right, it's a little grimy. I, I don't have really good clothes. I'm awkward when I try to talk to a woman, especially one that I'm attracted to. I don't have any money, I live in my parents house and I'm going to stop here. But it went on and on. It was like he was building a case as to why there's no way in hell that anyone, male or female, would want to be his friend or his girlfriend or his lover or anything. It's like I'm repulsive to everyone. Isn't that interesting? That is a hint. That is a clue as to what the source of social anxiety and shyness is. But the strangest thing about this story is that from my perspective, none of it really seemed true. I mean, from the outside, Eric was a relatively good looking guy. I mean, he wasn't a supermodel, but he wasn't like a mutant or something. Like the way he was perceiving himself, I mean, he was moderately attractive, he had good features. He was a little bit overweight, but with a shirt on and his clothes on, you couldn't really tell. It wasn't like he was busting at the seams. You know, it's like probably if you took his shirt off, you might see a little tire around his waist area or some love handles or something. But he was in no way grossly overweight. He said that he was not really capable when it came to getting a job, but he did well enough in school. And when I talked to him, he sounded relatively intelligent. He wasn't slow processing what I was saying or he wasn't really impaired in his ability to communicate with me. So I'm looking at this guy and I'm like, there's nothing really majorly wrong with him. And yet, and yet in his perspective, in his mind, he had nothing to offer. He was no good. And there's no way that anyone could ever want to hang out with him. And so his shyness did not come from his appearance or his abilities or his likability. Like he was thinking it was that's what he thought it was, right? I'm not good looking enough. If I was better looking, I wouldn't feel shy. And this is something that is one of the most common things that I hear. And in fact this is what I believe for many, many, many years. And I remember when I was in high school and that was sort of a major period of shyness for me when it came to especially talking to women and developing relationships. I sort of missed that whole stage of development and did not really have any relationships in high school with women. And there's one exception to that, which I'll tell in a later podcast. But let's just say for the most part I barely interacted with women and I certainly wasn't high on the list to be dated by women. And I had the awesome experience of going to winter ball and prom type dances with the just a friend girl. I don't know if you've had this experience, but you know, not like this is my girlfriend or oh yeah, we're into each other, it's like, ah, all the other guys are taken. I guess we can go as friends if you want. It was like, uh, alright, it's the best I can do. Maybe I'll make something happen. Maybe I'll climb out of the friend zone. Yeah, that didn't work. But you know, he. Where was I? I lost my train of thought in all my brilliant tangents. Okay, so yes, Eric thought it was I need to be better looking. And that's what I thought in high school. I would look over at the popular, attractive, you know, guys who seemed to have in cliques that had friends that were women or were dating women. And I would just spend hours wishing that I was like that person, that I looked like that person, that I moved like him, that I had the same hair colors. I was just really wishing that I looked different and was different. This is one of the most common things that I hear from people early on when I start working with them and I get emails from people, it's like, yeah, but I'm not good looking enough and I wish I was more attractive. And that's obviously strongly impacted by our society and the messages that we get about how we should look. But I want to let you know that that is not the source of your shyness and of your social anxiety and any lack of success that you have in terms of your profession, your relationships, your friendships and meeting women, dating and having romantic relationships. I know, it's a bold claim and you might think, look, that is patently untrue I know there's research that shows that better looking people achieve more and are able to reach higher levels in companies and that sort of thing. And yes, there is a societal bias, but on an individual level, if you really work on your social confidence and become a compelling, fun, engaging, comfortable person who is incredibly strong and firm and confident in yourself, then none of that applies and you're able to achieve great things when it comes to your work and your career and your relationships. So I'm really adamant about that and I'm going to share what the real cause is underneath. But I want to make one more analogy to this story of Eric, and that is when I was listening to him tell the story and seeing what seemed like falsehood to me, it made me think of the movie Lord of the Rings. Now it was the trilogy. I don't remember which specific movie it was in, but there was a character named Wormtongue. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm sorry, you're probably not nerdy enough to be listening to this podcast. So we might have to end this relationship right now because there's gonna be a lot of nerd references in this show. But bear with me, if you don't know what I'm talking about, you'll still get the point. But there's a character named Wormtongue who somehow rises to the level of chief advisor of a particular king in a region. And some of the main characters, protagonists of the movie are going there to try to get, you know, beseech the king to give them some troops to help them in their battle for good, of course. And it's a very no brainer decision, a very good thing for the king to do. Everyone thinks he's going to do it. And they get there and the king looks kind of sickly, he looks kind of glazed over, he doesn't look quite right, quite like himself. And they notice that when they ask him a question, before he answers, he pauses and listens to his advisor, who happens to be standing just over his shoulder. And the advisor leans in, the advisor's black, greasy hair and a gross tongue. And he whispers in the king's ear. You can't hear, it's inaudible, but you just see him whisper. And then the king, almost like a robot, as if he's being mind controlled, says, you know, no, we cannot give you the troops. And this character Wormtongue, has wormed his way into the king's mind and trust and is telling him falsehoods. That prevent him from doing the right thing. Sound familiar? Sound like something that you might know? Someone else or maybe even yourself on some level, have a worm tongue inside of you that is telling you things, that is convincing you of things that is not true, stories that are false about who you are and what you're capable of. So what I want to get into now is how that the message that Wormtongue conveys to you is the true source of shyness and social anxiety. In the next section after this ad right here, we're gonna get into what that is, and I'm not gonna delay any longer. You're gonna hear exactly what the source of shyness is and what you can do to start breaking free now. So hold on for just one moment, and we'll be right back. Hey, Dr. Aziz here, and I want to take a second to commend you for listening to this podcast. By listening to this, it shows me that you are taking your life and your destiny into your own hands. When I started to do that over 10 years ago, everything shifted in my life. And what helped me more than anything else was to learn about shyness and how to overcome it, starting with reading books. And I read a lot of books. Some of them were pretty good, but I felt they lacked a real, authentic look at the channel Challenges Facing Men who Are Shy. So I decided to write one. It's called the Solution to Social Anxiety, and it lays out in clear, simple language what causes us to feel anxious and more importantly, what we can do about it. It's full of powerful tools, key insights, and illuminating stories from my own journey and from the journeys of the clients I've been working with over these last years. It's an honest look at social anxiety from the inside out. I truly believe it can help you on your path towards greater social confidence. And I strongly encourage you to pick up your copy today. You can get it on Amazon.com and paperback or Kindle, and you can go to socialanxietysolution.com to find out more. That's socialanxietysolution dot com. Welcome back. So what is the real source of shyness? What is the cause of social anxiety? You know, it's not your looks, it's not your clothes, it's not how much money you have. Because, look, there's a guy I went to high school with who was a good friend of mine who was fit, athletic, a runner. The body, it looked like it could be on the COVID of Men's Health or Men's Fitness, and he was just as shy as I was. And so that doesn't shift that. And I know a lot of guys who are very shy and they have a lot of money and they're still very shy. That didn't change. And I know guys who are bald and a little pudgy and are just, they can take a room and everyone wants to be their friend and talk with them. So it's not these external things. So what is it? The real cause of shyness is a belief system that you have about yourself. Specifically, you believe on some level some version of the following. This is the core, the crux of shyness and social anxiety. The belief that there is something wrong with me and that makes me unworthy of love and belonging. That's it. That's the source of shyness, that one belief. All of the reasons that Eric gave or all the examples that I listed in the show about what someone says to themselves about why someone might not like them is some version of I'm not going to be enough. You know, I'm not tall enough. Or in the case he says I'm overweight, it's I'm not thin or I'm not fit enough. In the case someone says I don't have enough money, it's I'm not rich enough. So all of these reasons and self doubts and self criticisms, we have come down to some version of I'm not blank enough. And I guarantee that you have your own list of I'm not enoughs. Maybe for you, you don't care much about money, but you're like I'm overweight or you don't care about weight and money, but you're like I'm not popular enough or I don't have enough friends or I don't have enough experience. There's some list that we all have of how we're not enough. And as a result of those insufficiencies, that inadequacy, we are scared that we're not going to be loved, that on some level we're going to get rejected and expelled or cast out of the tribe or of the group, or in the case of talking one on one with someone, that person's going to reject us. So that's the fear that underlies the I'm not enough. It's like, well, I'm not enough, therefore people are going to reject me. And here's the thing about shyness and social anxiety is when we carry that fear with us all or most of the time, that means most of the time you're walking around you're thinking to yourself, maybe not consciously, but unconsciously or subconsciously, you're thinking to yourself, there's something wrong with me, and that makes me unworthy of love and belonging. That means people aren't going to like me, and they're going to reject me. And that the thing, whatever the something is, might shift from circumstance to circumstance. In one situation, you get there and you're like, oh, my clothes aren't good enough. In another situation, you get there and you say, oh, I don't look confident enough. Another situation, you say, well, I'm not as tall as that guy, or I'm not strong enough. And it shifts. But the underlying formula is the same. I'm not enough. There's something wrong with me, and therefore I'm going to be rejected. And here's the thing about shyness and social anxiety is you believe that with a lot of certainty. You can believe that 100%. Like Eric, for example, was absolutely certain that no woman could find him attractive. I mean, it took a while of us working together each week to help him break that belief. It's almost. It is like a trance, like Wormtongue and Lord of the Rings. The king has to be freed of the trance. And just like that, you have to start to become free of this trance. And the. The first step to that is asking the question, is this really true? And I'm hoping, as you listen to this podcast, that some part of you is having a little bit of doubt. Like, you know what? I've been telling myself this story for years, and I'm wondering if maybe that's all it is. Maybe it's just a story that I'm telling myself. Maybe there is something I can do about it. Maybe there is something I can shift. And if you're having just that little bit of doubt, then I did my job today because that's all I want you to be having right now. Next week, we're going to get way deeper into your story, and we're going to help you learn how to shift that using some very powerful techniques drawn from cognitive behavioral therapy and other therapies that have been shown to be really effective for shyness and social anxiety. So we're going to get deeper into that next week. But for now, I just want you to have that seed of doubt that maybe all of your shyness and social anxiety are coming from the belief, the idea in your mind that there's something wrong with me, and therefore I'm going to be rejected by other people and I'm not worthy of their love and their acceptance. And that maybe that is just a trance. Maybe that's like worm tongue, something you've repeated to yourself again and again, subconsciously or even directly, and it's taken hold, but is actually an illusion. And that someone from the outside, just like I was sitting there with Eric from the outside, it seems totally untrue. And my sense is the same is true for you. So let's end here with your action step.

Time for action.

That is the thing that you're going to do at the end of the episode that's going to help you take what you've learned and apply it, put it into action. Because if you take action, you get different results. And that's one of the major steps of breaking out of shyness, is to take action and get a different result than what we expected, than what our mind predicts will happen. You know the stories that Wormtongue tells us. So the question that I want to ask you, and you just write this down in a journal or a sheet of paper, something to sit with, is what will happen if you go talk with someone that you're interested in starting a conversation with? Just pay attention that this week, you know, you're out and about and you're at work and you see some people hanging out in the break room and you don't go talk to them. What did you tell yourself would have happened if you did go talk to them? Or, you know, you're in a coffee shop and you see an attractive woman, you want to start a conversation with her and you don't, and you say, well, what did I tell myself would have happened if I were to go talk with her? So just look for those instances where you would have liked to reach out and engage with someone, whether it's someone for dating or just a random person at the bus stop that you would have asked about their phone if you had not been inhibited? So just see what would have happened if I had actually talked to that person. What do I predict in my mind? And go ahead and write those predictions down in your journal. In the last podcast, I suggested that you get a journal, so hopefully you have one. If you don't, that's okay. You can just write it on a word file or a text file on your computer or phone. It doesn't matter. It doesn't have to be fancy. It's just getting these ideas out and having a record of your learning and of your progress. So that's our show for today, and we're going to be going way deeper into your story and how to identify specifically what it is and how to break free of it in the next episode. So stay tuned to that until we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are.

Thanks for letting Listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Azeez if you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com. Sam.