The Confidence To Achieve And Succeed with Robert MacPhee ­ Part 2

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon. Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz.

Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be continuing to talk about the confidence to achieve and to succeed, to achieve highly, to perform exceptionally well at your peak, and to succeed in all the areas of your life that you want. And there can be a lot, I mean, man, with the shyness and the social anxiety, there can be such a sense of like, oh man, life's going to kind of suck for me. I know. I thought that for a long time. And that's not true. It is absolutely not true. And you can learn how to build up your confidence to be able to grow in the ways that you want and to find the areas that you want to succeed in and to be able to do so and to really thrive. And today I'm going to continue my interview with Robert McPhee and we're going to be going into how to make powerful decisions, excellent decisions, stepping up into more and more of our capacity to choose the life that we want and to direct our life and what's required of us and how to access that confidence, that self esteem, that belief and ultimately that power to do what we want, do what we're here to do, and then to thrive as we do it. So we're not like succeeding but feeling all stressed out and shitty as we do it. That's not, that's not success. So I'm super excited to share more of this. I think it's really life changing and powerful. I hope it serves you. If you'd like to learn more about Robert and check out the show notes as well as ask me questions or get my free ebook, five Steps to Unleash youh Inner Confidence. Anything along those lines, go to shrinkforthshyguy.com that's shrinkforthyguy.com and you can find out everything you need there. So without further ado, let's dive back into our interview with Robert McPhee.

Expert interview.

One I'm thinking of is that feeling of. It almost is like a feeling of uncertainty. Like we're not like, I don't know exactly what I want to do instead or I don't know what my values are or even that moment where we do something and we're not that quite good at it. It's the opposite of like, I am totally certain, capable. I got this. It's the opposite of that. And I think we, we want to avoid that feeling of uncertainty of kind of mucking around. But so much of the time, like that's where, that's where we grow, that's where the juice is, that's where we find ourselves. That's where we thrive, as you would say.

I totally agree. And I think that's where people who are willing to take the risk or stretch themselves to work with someone like you, to work with someone like me, to ask for help, to get coaching and support are the people who are going to have an easier time getting through those kinds of times. Because it's hard when we're alone. And you know, I call it the high, high stress, high pressure, fast changing world. And it's not slowing down and there doesn't seem to be any sign of there being any less stress and pressure. And it is hard to do it by ourselves. I think that's why coaching has become such a huge industry. I forget the numbers that are thrown around about how many billions of dollars the coaching industry has become is because people need help people in order to thrive, in order to truly achieve at a really high level without completely sacrificing your quality of life, it is important to broaden your perspective, to gain the confidence necessary. I'm also reminded as we're talking about that again, you said you had just recently read my book. There's another dynamic in there about when I have people set goals and look at their intentions and the results they do want to create. One of the first questions I have them ask is, is it possible? And when I was thinking about our conversation about confidence, I said, you know, that's a question that's really at the core of confidence. Like you can really measure your level of confidence. I think in terms of looking at that question, is it possible seeing kind of where you are on that continuum? Because if you're like, you know, this isn't even possible, it's impossible for me to make a million dollars a year, or it's impossible for me to find the love of my life, then you're kind of down around a zero in terms of confidence. And if you're at the opposite end of that spectrum, where you not only know it's possible, but you know exactly how you're going to do it, maybe you've done it before, you have all the help and support you need in place, then you're a 10 on that scale of possibility. And hopefully there's not many people down there at a zero. But I think there's a lot of People that are all sorts of places in between there where maybe we know it's possible, but we don't know how and we haven't done it before and we do need help. So again, I think that question of is it possible? Is a good one for people to ask to assess where they are in the range of confidence.

Yeah, it's really interesting because I, the moment I started seeking mentors and getting help and addressing things is the moment my life like completely took off and changed in a rapid way. And it was so interesting. I remember the first time I went to a Tony Robbins seminar. And then when I was there, I was like, I'm gonna do more of this. And signed up for this two year training program, you know, the master university. And I remember my dad and my brother were kind of like, what? What are you doing? Why do you need to do that? What's that all about? And it's so interesting how people will. I mean, my dad and my brother didn't bat an eye about me going to college. Like, of course, of course you're going to college. Like, you know, and, and there's this understanding that education is good, but for some reason when it comes to like coaching and training and the stuff that we seek out on our own, a lot of people are like, oh, you don't, you don't need that. You should be able to do it on your own. And I mean, man, when I let that, when I just went into it, I haven't stopped. And in fact, we met at a seminar, right? And just you keep learning and growing and modeling. And I think that's because that is true. Like, you know, I don't know how I didn't know how to find the love of my life and sustain a relationship with her. I really didn't. And I needed help to, to on all fronts, be able to talk to women, approach women, flirt, and then how to sustain a relationship, how to be authentically yourself and have boundaries and all that stuff. So I feel like you're right. The world is changing. It's complex. And I think when we realize that we need education on all kinds of fronts, then we can really accelerate in our lives.

Yeah, I totally agree. And you can tell because I mentioned a couple of times, but I'm doing more and more work with colleges and universities, high schools, and even, even parents. And what's really driving that for me is I look back in my own life and we talked about how I met Jack more than 20 years ago now, and I realized that my own children Grew up while I was totally immersed in this work, I was doing the work myself. I was working with people like Jack and some other amazing teachers and trainers, some of the most brilliant minds. You mentioned the Transformational Leadership Council. I had the opportunity to be the executive director and a founding member. All these just amazing people that I was surrounded with and learning from constantly while my children were growing up. And what I see now, I call it the unfair advantage, because it wasn't really intentional. But what I see now is that all three of my children. My oldest daughter's in graduate school. My son is going to be a senior in college next year. He's getting ready to go study abroad. And my youngest daughter just finished her first year at Stanford, and they're all totally thriving. Like, by the way that I define thriving, you know, achieving at a really high level. They're all really doing amazing things. But as a father, what I'm even more happy about is the fact that they're truly happy. I recently learned that the ancient Greek definition of happiness, which is experiencing joy while in pursuit of your potential, it's not like, you know, oh, I'm 50 pounds overweight, but I'm still smiling, or, oh, I just failed my test and I'm still smiling. It's the experience of joy. You're having fun and you're happy, but it's also, while in pursuit of your potential, you're doing what you're here to do. And I just love that. When I heard it, it was like, oh, my God, that's so juicy. I got it. I gotta put that into everything I do. And I pretty much have. But I look at my own three children and I say, that's their life. Like, they are achieving great things and they're truly happy. They are joyful, they're smiling, they're having a great experience, and they're doing great things. Like, they're on track to create wonderful lives for themselves. And I think that's. We all want. And the information is all out there, like you said, the workshops, the classes, the teachers. I mean, the whole model of education is changing. There's. I love. I mean, I'm so committed to lifelong learning. I can't get enough of going to seminars and workshops and reading books and listening to audio programs. I'm like, I'm just hungry for it. And like you said, the world has completely changed. We now have the opportunity to get that kind of education. A lot of people don't take advantage of that opportunity yet and kind of look down their noses at those of us who do. But I do think it's an unfair advantage. And I think what I see when I look at my own three children who got that while they were growing up, I tell people I didn't have like a flip chart and a PowerPoint at the dinner table every night. You know, like tonight's lesson, personal responsibility. But I was living the work, and a lot of my conversations that I had with them came from a completely different place than it would have if the only thing I had as far as training as a parent was what my own parents had done. So it is, it's an incredible opportunity.

We're going to pause for just one moment and then continue with our interview with confidence expert Robert McPhee.

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That's great. So one thing in there is this idea of achieving, you know, striving, living, our potential. But what I've seen in a lot of people, though, is, as you said, they're focused on the action and the results. And there's this, and I've seen it myself too. There can be a striving energy that's sort of like trying to be. I think underneath it is just trying to prove, you know, I'm good enough. See, look, I made it. I'm worthy. And I feel like when I'm in that approach, when I'm valuing that by living it, then I'm suffering, you know, it's not enough. And I'm comparing myself and I'm sort of not feeling that good. And then there's this drive to always be productive. And I've seen that in a lot of people as well. And there's sort of an insatiable quality to it. I need to do more, I need to achieve more. How do you guide people to work with that? You know, you want to. Yeah, you want to achieve your potential, you want to reach, you want to grow, you want to stretch. And balancing that with something else, something that allows you to feel happier and to thrive more.

Right. Well, and I think, you know, the positive psychology science. And I love telling people I am not a scientist. I'm totally thrilled that there are scientists out there studying all this stuff. And, you know, starting to, you know, the quantum physics and everything is energy and the brain research and the positive psychology and mindfulness and emotional intelligence. There's all this great science out there totally validating everything that I feel like I've been in the middle of for the last 20 years. But the science says that that model you're talking about, about striving, you know, as soon as I get a nicer car, then I'll be happy. As soon as I make more money, then I'll be happy. As soon as I get a bigger house, then I'll be happy. The science proves that that's not true, that it doesn't work, that it's a totally unwinnable game. And I think I can hear in your voice. That you're working with people that are trying to win that game. And I have, too. I've definitely worked with people who are trying to win at that game. But again, the science proves that it's an unwinnable game. And the thing that I love most, that definition of happiness that I told you about, the ancient Greek definition. I actually learned from a guy named Shawn Achor, A C H O R. He's a positive psychology guy. He's from Harvard. And he's one of these scientists. Like, he does the research, he does his homework. And what I love about that definition is the very specific wording of it. It's the experience of joy while in pursuit. Like, not when I have accomplished, but while in pursuit of my potential. And potential is, like, to me, beautifully vague. Like, it isn't like I have something specific that I need to accomplish. I just always need to have that feeling of doing what I'm here to do. Making a difference, making a contribution, helping other people, being empower potential. And it also points out that it's not like a destination game. It's more of a journey game. You know, what I do today to move in the direction of achieving my potential, it's not. I'm pretty sure at the end of the day today, I'm not going to say, oh, look, I reached my potential. I'm done. There's going to be more potential tomorrow. And that's okay. It's just called what the game is. And to be joyful in the midst of that is really important. Like, if it's all stress and struggle and pain and all that, you're missing the point. And what Sean proved was that it's actually the opposite. The people who focus on happiness first, on what brings me joy, what is my potential. Those are the people that are achieving at a really high level. And again, I look at my own children as perfect examples of this, like my own little laboratory. I go, oh my God, look what they're doing. They don't freak out when they get a B on a test. They don't freak out when something doesn't go the way they want it to go. They just say, oh, that's the way it works, you know, and they keep going and try something else, or they do it again, whatever it takes. So I think, you know, that's kind of key is to flip that on its heel and to help people look at questions like, what does bring me joy? I told you, excellent decisions. I don't know if I did say this actually, but the whole excellent decisions concept that I'm focused on with my work, I kind of rebranded everything to this concept of excellent decisions. And to me, excellent decisions is making decisions based on your vision and your values instead of all the external stress and pressure that we're all faced with. And I think when I'm working with my clients, when I'm working with a business, in my own life, if I'm helping, you know, in my own family, it's all going to come back to clarity of vision and values. If I really know what's important, important to me, if I really know what I'm working on, what I'm intending to attract into my life, and I'm not just being driven by all those external stresses and pressures of peer pressure and social pressure and parental pressure and academic pressure and work pressure and boss pressure and all that stuff. If I'm being driven by what's really important to me and a vision that I'm holding for what I want to accomplish and the kind of life I want to lead, then there's much. There's still work, there's still things to be done, there's still action to be taken, but it's not from that place of hard work and effort and struggle and stress and angst and all that. So I think those are really the key questions. And I'm guessing again, I think it goes back to the value of having a really good coach of someone who's supporting you, of being part of a mastermind group, of having like minded and supportive people who are in your life to help you stay on that track, to keep reminding you of what's really important to you and keep asking you those important questions.

We're going to pause for just one more moment and then resume with our interview with confidence expert Robert McPhee.

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I love it, and that's been really powerful in my experience when I get stuck in striving and I gotta get stuck somewhere to feel at ease or happy or at peace. What has been really powerful for me and that I discovered actually through coaching with the coach was, well, what's going to drive me if it's not just that unwinnable game as you called it? And in my work life, I came up with four things and then they all turned out to be Fs. The last one wasn't an F, but I made it into an F so it'd be four Fs because you got to have good alliteration. It was fun, fascination, freedom and being a force for good in the world. And so, and I have them written out and they've been on my desk for a long time. And so whenever I'm like, nah, this is hard, or I don't want to do this or freaking out about something, it's like, okay, let's read those. And that first one is super important because I remember maybe it's a famous quote. I don't know who said it originally, but if it's not fun, then you're not doing it right.

Yeah.

And I really believe that. And it doesn't mean that everything is like easily pleasurable and instant easy results and stuff. It could be work, there could be effort, but there's got to be a way that I'm holding it that makes it more fun. Maybe it's fascinating, maybe it's increasing a sense of freedom. Maybe it's getting touched into that I'm being a force for good in the world. Whatever it is. I think finding our values and living from them is extremely centering and powerful. And then you're right. Then we're not buffered around by all of the different pressures and what everyone else might want from us or for us.

Well, yeah, and your example is perfect too. In the sense that it points out that in the world we live in, all those external stresses and pressures don't go away. All those somewhat limiting beliefs that we may have come into the game, you know, that we had, that we had adopted before we started making conscious choices of what our beliefs are, they don't go away. You know, life still continues to happen. Things do get stressful. A lot of things are happening. Maybe we're surrounded by people who aren't supportive. And the way you shared that example of having a really simple and clear model that you've spent the time to ask the right questions. What is important to me? What is the life I want to live? Because we do, we all go completely off the rails sometimes, right? I mean, it's like 11 o' clock one day and you go, what happened? I got up at 6 this morning and I had the intentions of this being a really powerful workday. And this is not where I thought I was going to end up. But if you have done that work, if you are clear about what you're working on and what's really important to you, then you can get yourself back on track really, really quickly. And what breaks my heart on some level is the people who haven't asked these questions and the people who haven't done that kind of work and don't have that kind of support around them when they get off the rails, when they go, you know, off in some crazy direction because some, you know, the phone rang or the door knocked or whatever, they don't have the tools in place to be able to get themselves right back on track. And when you're in it, when the stress and pressure hits hard, that the worst time to be trying to answer those questions, like to try and figure out what's really important to you when the, you know, what is hitting the fan is not a good strategy. You know, it's got to be, you know, take the weekend off, go to a workshop, you know, spend some time with a coach, join a mastermind group, do something so you have an environment where you can build that foundation. So when things do go crazy, you're that much better equipped to handle it. And I think those are the people that are, again, it's a win win because they're able to achieve at an even higher level and they don't have all the stress and pressure. They're not killing themselves in the process. And ultimately, I think that's what we all want.

Yeah, absolutely. And, but, but it's just, I got to just earn one more thing. One More trophy.

Yeah.

One more extra thousand dollars then, then it'll all be easy.

Then I'll be happy.

Peace. I know. I love it. Well, thank you so much for sharing your insights today, Robert. I think as I'm talking I realize we are just scratching the surface of your depth of knowledge and I really appreciate you sharing your insights with us. For people who want to find out more about you, about the speaking you do, the training, the coaching, excellent decisions and leadership, where can people go to learn more about you?

Simplest place to go is my website, which is excellentdecisions.com. i was shocked and thrilled to find out that domain name was available.

I know.

Excellent decisions, plural.com. and I'm very easy to get a hold of. I don't have like 12 gatekeepers that you have to get a hold of. If people are trying to reach out to me, just be sure and let me know that you heard about me on this interview and this conversation. And I'd love to connect and help people in whatever way I possibly can. And it was really great to reconnect with you. I. We had such a powerful conversation at that event that we worked or we both attended. And I think we should definitely stay connected because it's clear that we're very like minded and have a lot of the same approaches. So I'd love to stay connected and continue to support you and what you're up to as well.

Awesome. Thanks, Robert. I absolutely agree.

All right, take care.

That brings us to the end of the interview. Thank you so much, Robert. That was awesome. And before we go today, there's one thing we gotta do because we want to turn this from theoretical into.

Time for action.

That's right, into action. So your action step for today is to take one thing that you learned in this interview, one thing that I said or that he said, or that insight that came to you like as you were listening. I'm sure you thought of one thing that you can do in your life. Maybe many, maybe dozens, but dozens is overwhelming to our minds. But one is manageable. So find the one thing. Maybe as you were talking you thought about something in your work life, in your career, or in your dating life, or your social life, whatever it is, you thought of that and you're like, oh yeah, I could do that. And maybe there's fear there, maybe there's hesitation, maybe there's doubt, but guess what? You gotta take that action. That's how you achieve, that's how you succeed. That's how you build the muscle of confidence. So whatever that thing that came to you as you were listening was do that and do that this week, do that tomorrow if you can. Taking that action will transform your life over time. So thanks so much for listening. You are awesome. I commend you for your commitment to want to learn, to want to grow. And I know that can transform your life when you apply this stuff over time. It really can. So even if you're stuck or doubting or questioning that, it's absolutely possible. So apply what you learn as an action step. Keep rocking. Keep going until we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Azeez. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com. Sam.