The Conversation You Don't Want To Have Will Set You Free

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Everything you want in life is on the other side of a 10 minute switch, sweaty conversation that you don't want to have. Those are the words of a brilliant psychologist named Gay Hendricks. And man, the more I've lived and experimented with this and help clients do the same, the more I've seen how damn right he is that so much in your life is on the other side of these conversations. And you don't want to have the conversations. And they do make you sweaty, whether it's literally or not. But there's, there's. They're unsettling, they're uncomfortable, they're disturbing, they're painful, they're disorienting, they're undesirable, they're yucky. Maybe there's shame or hurt or anger or conflict and it's like, ah, I don't want to do it. But on the other side of that is something extraordinary. And that's what this episode is about, is about the conversation you don't want to have will set you free. I'm Dr. Aziz and I'm your host for Shrink for the Shy Guy. I don't even know where we are. I think we're nine years running, almost. I'll have to check maybe even past nine years of this show. So I'm not sure how long you've been with me. You know, I talk to people who are coming into my world, whether it's joining one of my coaching programs or I see them at an event and they say, yeah, I've been listening to your podcast for two years, three years, five years, all of them. So if you've been around for quite some time, welcome back. I'm so glad that you spend your time here with me. I hope it's serving you and helping you become more confident, bold and free. If it's not, if you're feeling stuck or discouraged or you take two steps forward and two steps back, please do not conclude that there's something wrong with you, that you're just more messed up than everyone else. The truth is you probably just need more support and guidance. And I have, I mean, I've dedicated my life to helping people with this. So if you want more, check out drz.com that'S-R-A z I z dot com. You can start with Confidence University. That's an in depth training. Four in depth courses around core confidence, social mastery, dating and relationships, career acceleration. I mean really, when I sat down to make that program, I said, okay, what is everything I would do with someone if they were coaching with me, start to finish and so much more. And I mean so much so that even if someone is coaching with me, I have them go watch videos from Confidence University because there's just so much in depth that I can cover in those trainings. So that's a great place to start for self study. And if you want to go all the way, take the leap, you can join me for a year. A 12 month mastermind program that produces extraordinary results. And if you want to get inspired, check that out, go to drzeez.com There's a mastermind page. There's also a testimonials page. And most of the testimonials on that page are from my Mastermind clients because that's the main way I work with people and just listen to some of their stories. Super inspiring. Even if you're not going to join the program, just seeing other people like you that are having major breakthroughs can really support you on this journey. Some of the best things to do, whether it's the Mastermind or one of my virtual events, just to realize you're not alone. And it might seem like that if it's just, you know, you're listening to me, but you're kind of on your own and no one else that you know is going through stuff like this, just know that you're not alone. There's millions of people and in my world, in my community, there's, there's people that are really actively changing this real time. So if you wanna take it further, check that out on my website and let's talk about having that conversation that you don't wanna have. I guess the best place to start would be do you have a conversation right now that you don't want to have? Usually we're aware of a few of them and sometimes it's a specific singular conversation like oh, I gotta have that conversation with my brother or oh, I gotta have, you know, my partner or my parent or my roommate. Right. There's some specific one. Sometimes it's a type. It's an ongoing thing. Like I am helping someone. One of my clients is growing his business and it evolves some sort of. It's outreach. It's pretty much cold calling and then, you know, and then also sales presentations. And he doesn't want to have either of those conversations, the cold calling or the sales presentation. And so that's a conversation that he doesn't want to have. So it could be an ongoing thing, it could be a singular event. And what are those for you? Because the more you listen to this episode in the context of a real conversation in your life, not just some abstract pitch on why you should have difficult conversations, it's going to have a much greater effect on your life. Because to get ourselves to do anything uncomfortable, that's the reason why we call it a hard conversation or a sweaty conversation or the conversation we don't want to have. Right. Is because it's freaking uncomfortable, it's scary, it's destabilizing, it's painful, whatever words you want to put on it. Right. It's the opposite of we fun, let's go do it. And so anytime there's something that's unpleasant or painful, we just want to avoid it as humans. And generally that works out, you know, cutting yourself when you're chopping up some vegetables with a knife, it's painful. So the next time you're using a knife, you're more careful. That's a useful feedback loop. All kinds of things that are painful in life are actually good to avoid. But then there's this subset of things that are painful or uncomfortable that is actually detrimental to avoid them. It's detrimental to not do them. Very common example that everybody knows is exercise. Exercising might be uncomfortable at times. It might be uncomfortable to get yourself to do it, right. To leave the warmth of your house or your car and to get into. Might be uncomfortable. When you first start, you know, like, I'm tired or I'm stiff. I don't feel. Feel like. Might be uncomfortable. When you're in the middle of it, you're kind of pushing your edge, right. You know, you're going faster than you want or harder than. Than you used to go. You're really growing at that point. And then. Or maybe it's longer, right. You're running. For me, I like to do long distance running, so. Right. It's. I mean, it depends upon what level of shape I'm in. But right now, for me, when I cross the 10 minute mile or the 10 mile mark and I run around when there's a lot of elevation change in hills too. So 10 miles in the hills around my house, that's where it goes. Like anything under 10 and it's kind of. It's pretty more manageable. There's not a whole lot of walls that I hit, usually in under 10 miles. But then after about 10 miles, it's kind of like, okay, this, here we go. And there's some moments especially depends on how far I go, where I'm like, I just want to be home right now. Right. So there's uncomfortable moments anywhere along the way with exercise. And we all know that if you don't do it, you screw up your life, man. You're less healthy, your blood vessels are less healthy, you have heart problems and diabetes. And I'm not saying you got to go be some extreme athlete, but you got to use your body. If you're super sedentary and you eat like crap, that's very comfortable. Both of those is comfortable. And by not going into that discomfort, you screw yourself over. That's a common example that we all know. That's why I'm starting there. It's the same when it comes to difficult conversations, because difficult conversations are necessary to steer your life. Because what makes a conversation difficult or uncomfortable is it when you both agree and support each other and say, you want to go to that movie? Me too. You want to move in together. Me too. You want to live in that house. So do I. Right? Yay. That's not, that's not a difficult conversation. That's easy. That's fun. The difficult conversation is you want to move in together. Actually, I was thinking about breaking up. Oh, record poll there. You want to go to that movie. No, I don't want to go to that movie. Actually. I don't even like those kinds of movies. That one's a little less intense, but still, you know, it's uncomfortable a little bit. Talking about what you might want in a relationship or not want or might need more of your partner in some way, talking to an employee or a colleague who's not following through, you need to challenge them and reprimand them or give them feedback or. I mean, there's a. There's a lot of different examples, but all of those, there's going to be some difference of opinion or, and, or you imagine that you or the other person or both is going to feel some sort of upset, hurt, angry, undesired, left out, whatever the, whatever the different Types of discomfort are. And so we don't want that kind of conversation, but here's why. That kind of conversation is essential. And whether it's exercise or these difficult conversations, if you even want to have a chance or a hope to do it, you have to have something that compels you to do it. There's a reason why you want to get out there and run when it's cold or you're tired. There's a reason why you want to have that conversation. And if you're connected to that reason a of lot, all of a sudden the discomfort stops being a real obstacle. It's still there, but it doesn't stop you. Instead of being a 10 foot brick wall with nothing to hold onto, you know, it's a three foot little landscape wall that you can just step over. So the why for these difficult conversations? Instead of me telling you, let me ask you why do you think it's valuable or beneficial or maybe even essential to have these difficult conversations? What, what happens if you don't? And what happens if you do? And I know what happens if you don't because I lived it. And I've also, I mean, I hear this story from clients or potential clients all day long. You know, your life is not your own. The steering wheel gets grabbed by other people. You do what other people want. You, you submit, you just agree or you hide things or shame gets the best of you and you don't reveal yourself and it messes up relationships. You don't have authority in your life, which is a real problem if you have employees or kids or other people that you do need to have a level of authority with and then, and then they run all over you. And I've talked to clients where they run their own business and they're not the boss. I've talked to parents where their kids are walking all over them, disrespectful to them and demanding. And the parents just like, oh, I don't know what else to do because they are not willing to have those difficult conversations. I've seen relationships splinter and break apart and disintegrate because people are too scared to have the conversation they need to have. So on the one hand, the why is because otherwise a lot a tidal wave of pain is coming your way. That's why. And on the other side of it is the tidal wave of victory if something so much better is possible. And I don't even, I won't even pinpoint it to one thing like, well, if you have that difficult conversation, you could get A raise, sure, maybe on the other side of that difficult conversation is a whole new version of you, which is way better than a raise. That new version of you might get paid more, that new version of you might have a better relationship. But in addition, you, you've unlocked a whole new set of capabilities that's gonna benefit you in ways that you can't even know yet, both in terms of your behavior and capacity and what you could achieve, but also on some level of like, spiritual fulfillment of doing what you're here to do and becoming who you're meant to be. Which I think deep down is one of the most satisfying things to humans, not just the pile of money or the accolades. So when you imagine that difficult conversation, I want you to think about the pain if I don't, and the pleasure and the victory and the liberation if I do. Because all of a sudden that's going to give you the power to go in these conversations. And even knowing this, even having taught this to clients and helping them do it, like in. When it comes to my own life, when there's those conversations, like a lot of them, like the lower hanging fruit I can handle now, I'm like, okay, yeah, I don't want to have the conversation, but I will. Okay, let's go. But the big, big ones, those real tender, close ones, you know, they still fester. And then eventually it's like, alright. And for me, I'd say where that comes up most is going to be in my closest relationships, specifically in my relationship with my wife Candice. We've been together for 12 years now and not that long ago, maybe just about four, four months ago or so, we had a doozy of a conversation. And it wasn't just one conversation. It's one of those conversations that lasts like a weekend, you know, I mean, we have kids, so we're pausing and then coming back and staying up late and, and like all uncomfortable conversations you need to have, it starts with one thing, but then there's more that gets revealed underneath. Ours was about, it got, you know, started with some of our connect, intimacy and connection and then our sex life and then feelings that she had and I had and, and, and it just kind of expands and, and worms into different components of like, how are we with each other and what do we. Like and not like. And it's freaking uncomfortable because you got to tease apart all kinds of things, right? Like their feelings, my feeling, her feelings, my feelings. Also, is what this person's saying accurate about me? Like, are they seeing me clearly? And I And that's like a bitter pill to see, because maybe this is a shortcoming of mine, or is this person hurt and has, like, some wound of theirs that they're trying to blame unconsciously? Like, oh, I'm hurting because you did this. Right. There's so much that gets. It gets stirred up in these conversations, and that's why people don't want to have them. And honestly, that's. I mean, we've had difficult conversations, but this one seemed to be, like, a major reorganizing one. So much so that there was, like, a period one afternoon where she said something about. I don't even know her wording, but I just needed to clarify. I was like. Like, we're. We're not talking about any sort of, like, ending of this relationship, are we? I just want to make sure. Right. Because it was. And that's never been on the agenda for us. Like, we're in it to win it. Right? So. But she said something that was so, like, hurting, and I was so, I think, disturbed that I was like, are you talking about, like, leaving me over this? I just want to make sure. And she's like, no, no, no. But let's say you were the someone. And they're like, yeah, maybe. I don't know, like, oh, wow, black. Okay, I can't. I can't even handle this right now. But you can, and you want to get into that conversation, because if you don't, the whole thing's going to. It might not go out with a supernova explosion, but it's going to fizzle out like one of those black dwarfs, white dwarfs, those stars that just kind of go and become invisible, and then everything just dies. Anyway, so we got to go into there. And it was uncomfortable, it was disturbing. It was destabilizing. And that's part of why we don't like them, is because they're destabilizing. But you know what? That's what we need in our lives. When things are too stable, they get boring, they get stagnant, they get dry, and you start to die. And so you need to throw in a little stick of TNT sometimes and see what happens. And so I've been through enough of these difficult conversations that despite that one moment where. Of doubt, where I was like, is this. Are we ending? For the. For the most part, the whole time, I was reminding myself, like, this is super uncomfortable, but this is really good, and something good is going to emerge from this, and sure enough. And part of it is in a conflict or a flight, like, both People can kind of get stuck in their viewpoint, right? And as wise and mature as I am, that can still happen sometimes to me. Anyway, she was doing that, I was doing that, and we were having this conflict, and then all of a sudden something started to reorient and we started talking in a different way. And like a softening happened in both of us and a more of a willingness to listen and compromise and accommodate and explore and then just. I don't even know if I can describe exactly what the moment was, but it was just basically like, oh, we're on the same team here. And rapid growth occurred. I mean, rapid growth in terms of how we are with each other. A new level of intimacy and emotional intimacy, sexual connection. A whole new level of, like, being partners in life in ways that I saw that I was still holding back, you know, 3.7% of me and my heart to be like, I'm not gonna give everything. I don't want to get hurt, so I'm gonna hold, you know? And it was just enough not to be terrible, but if for. For a life of truly extraordinary and a relationship of truly extraordinary, you got to be 100% all in, energetically, emotionally, with your heart. Like, if this person dies or leaves, I'll be effing wrecked. But that's the price of admission. And there was a ways, emotionally, energetically that I was. That I was holding back. So I open more. She's grown and evolved, and our relationship is better than ever before because of that uncomfortable conversation, that one three day, horrible conversation. Now, yours might be shorter. We've had conflict. That's certainly shorter than that, but. And maybe it's longer. I don't know. You know, sometimes people go through a season of months of having difficult conversations because they avoided them for so many years. Now is the time to have them. Speaking of now, let's talk about your action step. Time for action. Action, action. So if you were to have a difficult conversation, I'm not saying you're gonna, but if you were, when would now be a good time? So think about where you might have that conversation and who it might be with and think you should have it. Think you should do it. No, no, no, no. Forget everything I said in this episode. Just don't. It's gonna be uncomfortable. Stay away from that. Could get out of control. You got to be in control here. So just stuff it down deep down into your belly until it comes out at an inappropriate time in an inappropriate way. That's how you do it. Now I'm playing with you, obviously, I'm going to encourage you to have the conversation that you don't want to have and really tune in to the hell if you don't and the heaven if you do. You know, what's going to the wreckage that you've been creating and how much can change if you really lean into that conversation and around this whole thing. Have as much compassion for yourself as you can. Man, these are hard. This is difficult. This is probably one of the hardest things we do, is have these raw and real conversations in our lives, whether they're a little more superficial, like something at work, or the deepest to your soul, like in an intimate relationship with a family member. So it's messy and they're hard, but, man, are they worth it. So having as much compassion for yourself if you're afraid, if you're uncomfortable getting support around doing it. One thing that I'll do in the mastermind that I run, if someone is going to have a difficult conversation, like, they kind of talk about it in the group and prep for it, I'll usually find them a little extra support. So I'll say, okay, you know, this person's going to have this conversation this week. Does anyone here in the group want to volunteer to be, like, an extra support this week? So, you know, text them or they can text you and just like, how did it go? And have that extra little bit of support to help you so you're not on your own. I just did this. Someone in the group is breaking up with his partner. I know this is going to be really hard for him. It's like, okay, who wants to be his buddy? He's going to have the breakup call on, you know, Friday. So who's going to text him Friday night or call him and check in with him? Right? So we need support, we need help, we need compassion. And ultimately, we need to do this to create a better and more extraordinary life. So thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level. Hey, you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthyguy.com for free vlogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.