The Demon Of Doubt

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about your demon, your Demon of Doubt. That's a pretty good title, isn't it? I'm proud of that title and I'm very excited about this topic as well because it's. I just been coming up more and more in my observations, in my working with clients in my own life. In fact, I am working on this one's been a long work in progress. My next book, which is going to be about doubt and how to be rid ourselves, free ourselves from doubt. And so it's been something I've been studying a lot more recently especially, and I'm amazed at how so many things come back to doubt. And so I want to share with you in this episode how doubt works and how to free yourself from it and just what that can do for you in your life. And if you're drawn to this idea of being free from self doubt, then it's very related to what I'm gonna be doing this year at Liberate Yourself, which is my in person experience that I do once a year. And we're doing it in Portland in May, May 9th through 12th. And we still have the early bird tickets available, so you can save 50% off your ticket. Sometimes people hear about an in person experience and they're like, well, you know, you do virtual events, I'll just do the virtual stuff, which is great. I have people that only attend the virtual stuff and I attend virtual events for my own growth. I think they're awesome. And there is something that is unique to the in person experience that we, that we just can't get in a virtual room. And it is pretty magical and powerful. I've seen it be a radical accelerator for people in ways that are beyond what you can linearly point to. Like I learned A and B and so I got C. Well, you learn A and B, but you're immersed in an environment and all of a sudden your life just flowers, you know, D, E, F, G, H, I pop out of you. And things that you've heard about or learned about or knew before intellectually click into place. Plus, it's powerful. We can do things together in person that I just can't. I can't make people do online. So anyway, if you'd love to spend that time with me, I would love to spend that time with you. And it would be a powerful experience. So check it out. Go to my website, drz.com it'S-R-A z I z.com and there should be a banner right on that homepage for the event. And you can click it, find out all the details, and buckle up because you will definitely be liberating yourself. From what though? Right? Well, that's what we're gonna talk about in this episode today from doubt. Now, a lot of people don't think about doubt directly. They don't see doubt as the problem you might be aware of. Like, oh, I'm nervous around people. I feel social anxiety. I'm worried about what other people think of me. I hesitate, I hold back, I overthink. These are the things that we're aware of and we don't necessarily relate it to doubt. And I think doubt is the secret seed that is causing so much of our fear. So what is that secret seed of doubt and how does it cause all these other things? Well, doubt. Let's first define that because people hear the word doubt and they think, oh, that means you're uncertain, right? I don't know, I'm doubtful. Should I do it or not? Is it gonna work or not? I am doubtful. And that's how doubt appears on the surface. But really, the doubt that I'm talking about, that self doubt, doubting yourself, is actually very certain. It is what I would call an inversion of faith or belief in yourself. So it is not questioning at all. It's actually very certain. And it's telling you it's not going to work. You can't do it. And I invite people and I invite you right now to investigate that. Don't just take my word for it. Really observe when doubt is active. And what you'll find is it might have questions in your mind, like, is it gonna work out? Are they gonna like me? Can I do it? But if you pay attention to your emotion and what's actually happening inside of you, you're reacting to, they're not gonna like me. It's not gonna work out. I can't do it. So you might say, can you do it? Can I do it? But really the message is you can't. It's a question where the answer's already known. It's like a. It's like a prosecutor cross examining somebody, not real questions. They're leading the person somewhere, right? They're trying to make a point for the jury. You know, where were you on the night of the 14th? And the person's like, I don't know. They're like, okay, cool. No, they're like, wait, you don't know? Well, then how come we have the picture of you walking into this restaurant on the night of the 14th, you know, and don't you remember that you ordered this meal on the night of the 14th? And you know, they're leading the person and that's what doubt is doing with you. It's leading you. And where is it leading you? Well, it's leading you away from that risk. It's leading you to downsize your life. Go inward, downward, smaller, avoid. Inward, downward, smaller, avoid. Inward, downward, smaller, avoid. Until you're just kind of holding your breath, trying to get through life. So what does doubt tell you that you can't do? What does it tell you to avoid? And usually it's not the basic, easy things that are well within your comfort zone. Right? It doesn't tell you you're not going to be able to make lunch today. Maybe you'd be in a pretty awful state if you felt, if you felt that powerless. But no, it tells you that presentation is not going to go well at work. You're not going to, you're going to make a fool of yourself if you try to speak up in this situation. That person's not going to like you if you try to go talk to them. Don't do it. Don't do it. It's the stuff that is what, that is risky, that feels vulnerable. It's the stuff where I don't know the outcome. And maybe not only do I not know the outcome, but maybe I'm new to this arena in general and I have to learn. And the way that I learn is by making mistakes and failing and being messy. Right? Let's say you want to learn an instrument or play a sport. You're not going to pick up a basketball and just, you know, shoot swishes all day long. You're going to throw a lot of air balls. You're going to miss. You pick up an instrument. You're going to make some sounds that sound bad. You're not Going to bust out, you know, box minuet. You're gonna try to fumble your way through making basic notes and then basic chords and then progressions. And it's gonna sound messy, it's gonna sound bad. It's the only way to learn. And so when we're stepping into an arena like assertiveness or leadership or speaking up or social connections or friendships or dating, and we want to learn, we want to develop it, then we're gonna make messy notes. And even if you are skilled at assertiveness or leadership or speaking up or connecting with others, it doesn't mean that every connection is smooth and easy. You have awkward moments, you have awkward interactions, you have challenging conversations, even if you're doing it right, quote unquote. I mean, how do you. I was just talking to someone the other day and they're terrified of having to let someone go in their team. And they've been avoiding it for months. They're afraid of conflict, they're afraid of the person being upset, they're afraid of the person crying and feeling so guilty afterwards. So I mean, no matter how you go about doing that, you could strategically do it in the best way you can, communicate it in the best way possible. Still can feel very uncomfortable. You're not going to be jumping, you know, clicking your heels and laughing on the way out, right? You're going to feel uncomfortable. So that is inevitable. And then doubt will say, avoid all that stuff, Avoid it, avoid it, avoid it. But doubt doesn't do it, doesn't just say, oh, I'm scared, let's avoid it because it's uncomfortable. That would actually be pretty healthy to acknowledge, hey, I want to avoid this. This is uncomfortable. No doubt weaves a story. And this is where doubt becomes insidious, becomes toxic and debilitating and possibly completely life restricting. Or in worst case scenarios when someone's suicidal, even life ending because their future seems so bleak, because they're believing this voice inside. And the voice says it's not going to work out and you're not enough and you can't and people won't like you and this and that and on and on. And the biggest obstacle I see in working with clients is not that they have the doubt in there, it's that they believe the doubt. You have a relationship with this voice in your head and you've given your authority to it and you believe what it says. It's like it's an advisor that's trying to accurately predict what's going to happen and what you should do. We Turn to this advisor for guidance. And that's the biggest problem with doubt. Because the doubt, another way of thinking about it, is just a part of you that's underneath, that's saying, I'm scared, I'm uncertain, I don't know how it's gonna go. Ah. And then this self doubt comes in and tries to get a sense of certainty by predicting horrible things and causing you to hesitate and pull back and avoid risk. And so we have to shift our relationship with this self doubt. And a lot of people have a hard time with this because it's been their companion for many, many years. And for a lot of people, some sense of certainty is better than no, than the unknown, than I don't know, even though that's really true. Like, you don't know what's going to happen next. You don't know what's going to happen when you go talk to that person. You don't know. How could you know? You have a guess, you have probabilities, but you don't know. You don't have certainty about anything in the future. And the further you go out in the future, the less certain you could even. Your probability of guessing it right goes down. Like you probably have a good, good idea of what's going to happen tomorrow, but even that could change. You get a phone call, someone breaks their arm, there's a traffic jam. You don't know tomorrow. But your odds, your probability of guessing it are higher than five years out. What are you going to be doing on a Wednesday, March 17, 2029? I mean, whatever you tell me, I'm like, okay, I'm going to give that like a 3% probability of accuracy, right? 1% probability of accuracy. It's pretty darn low. You don't know, I don't know. We don't know. And that's okay. That's not a problem. Doubt makes it a problem because it says no, no, we have to have certainty. We have to know what's going to happen if we don't have certainty. We're vulnerable and we're going to die. And so I'm going to give you certainty. And of course I'm going to tell you it's bad. And then you're going to avoid all risk and we're going to be armored up. We're going to be protected from life. Although you're protected from life, you're armored up, you're walled up. And now life is passing by outside of the walls that you've confined yourself in. And there's an Empty feeling of missing out or you're still anxious even within the walls. What if the barbarians climb over the walls? I'm not safe even in here, okay? I gotta get even smaller. I gotta go dig a hole and live in that. And now I'm not safe in the hole. I gotta go further. I gotta get a bunker. And now I'm inside the walls in a hole in a bunker. And still I'm anxious. I must need. Now I need guns in my bunker and spikes and everything else I can do. And we get more and more afraid of not knowing, more and more afraid of life, more and more afraid of the beautiful uncertainty. Because here's the thing that we, when we're listening to this advisor of doubt, we don't acknowledge is doubt is telling us the demons, the dragons are going to come out of the unknown and destroy us. But you know what else comes out of the unknown? The princesses, the princes, the. The gold, the treasure, the adventure, love, the excitement. Like the whole purpose and game of being here. All the games that you might want to play in this life, that you get to go out and play in this world are all there outside of the walls. You can't play any of them inside the walls. I was just talking with a client yesterday in my Mastermind program, and he had a lot of fear about approaching people socially for friendships, for dating, and had avoided it almost his entire life. And we've been working together for. He's in the second year of the Mastermind, so it's been about a year and a half or so. And he'd done a lot of practice, right? He approached people, he practiced approaching people socially, all, you know, friendly greetings, just a lot of groundwork. He would go. He'd hang out on the beach and go practice approaching people and feel so uncomfortable sometimes or so, you know, doubt is telling him, don't do it, don't do it. And he just kept doing the one thing which is really going to liberate you from doubt, which is defying it, defying the doubt. So he'd been practicing and practicing and did some dating as well and starting to get more confidence. And then all of a sudden he was at a laundromat. And he travels all over the world. He's in a different country at the time, and he's in a laundromat there, and he sees this woman across the way and he's like, oh, my God, she is so beautiful and amazing. And what pretty much any guy can relate to is the first thought in his Head is she's out of my league, you know, and that's of course doubt loves that. It's like, oh yeah, she is. Don't even try, don't even try talking to her. Get out of here, you loser. But he had developed a habit of defying the doubt. And so he walked over, he started a conversation with her. Lo and behold, she was actually quite interested in talking to him. Who knew, Got a phone number. Wow, that was cool. And turns out she's in the same country as him for about a week. And they proceeded to have the most deep, beautiful, intimate, passionate connection in that week. Then it sounds like he's ever had in his life. I mean, I don't know he said it exactly like that. But the way he was so lit up about it, I had never seen him talking about anything like that before. And that came out of the unknown. But doubt will never see that. Yet that advisor will say, it's not worth the risk. I don't care what's possible and what's good and what could be amazing. I don't care. I want you to stay in the hole in the bunker and survive. And so as long as you are giving your authority over to this advisor of doubt, you will suffer and your life will be radically diminished and you'll experience all the symptoms that come out of like social anxiety and excessive people pleasing. Like the root of it all is this advisor. We gotta change things. So how do you do that? Well, this is a perfect transition into your action step. Time for action. Action, action. Your action step for today is going to be to defy doubt. Now let me give you a super powerful question that's going to set you free. Are you ready? Here's the question. If I did not have doubt, what would I do? And you can make this more specific to a certain situ, you know, circumstance or situation in your life. So it's not just that. Could be a broad question to ask yourself and see what emerges. That's great too. And let's say you're at work and you notice there's a lot of self doubt there. And self doubt can show up in a lot of ways, right? It could be social anxiety, it could be imposter syndrome, it could be worrying about other people think of you. But if you tune in, what is John going to think? Oh my gosh, these people think I'm not smart. Okay. And you start to tune into the storyline and say, okay, what is doubt telling me here? And it's going to be telling you very specific things about you and the environment. And you in the environment. You're not enough. You're not going to do this. People aren't going to like you. Right. Okay. If I didn't have that storyline, if the advisor of doubt was not there, what would I do? Now? Some people, the advisor of doubt is so strong, they've given their power so much over to it that they say, I'm sorry, I can't answer that. I can't answer that question. Why not? Well, the advisor Doubt told me not to answer that question. It gave me a look, and I was like, oh, sorry. And you forget that the advisor of doubt is not in charge. You are in charge. You are the king of the land, the queen of the castle. You are the sovereign, not the subject, not the slave. And so you get to decide. And you get to say, hey, advisor, enough of this, Enough of that. Ew. Who is. Who has given him so much power, given her so much power? I refuse. I refuse to live under the tyranny of this advisor. I am in charge. I am the captain of my ship by birthright. And you reclaim that and you say, okay, if I didn't have that advisor whispering in my ear, what would I do? And you'll have a very clear path. Well, I'd speak up. I'd share. I'd go talk to that woman at the laundromat. I'd go ask this person if they want to spend time with me. I just reach out. I'd do all these things. Okay, great. Then you do the things you defy doubt. And either you can do them directly or you need to titrate them down to a dosage that is more manageable. So if walking over to that person in the laundromat, which is too much, well, then can you do friendly greetings and you say hi to people? That's what this client did. He built up a base. Can you interact in more simple ways that are less scary? And then over time, you'll be able to do the heavier weights, the heavier things. But doubt will prevent people from doing the basic lifting. Doubt will prevent people from even stepping on the path, even trying, because it tells you there's no point. It's not going to work out. And as long as you are deferring to doubt, then your life will pass you by. And as soon as you start defying doubt, your life will open up in absolutely extraordinary ways that will delight you and beyond, way beyond what your mind's going to tell you is possible. And it can be really beautiful. It can be a masterpiece your life. That's what I want for you. I'm excited for you to experience this. And listen, if you hear this episode and you heard me talk about this kind of stuff and read my books and you get it in your head but it's not manifesting in your life, in your behaviors, in your identity and who you are, it might be time to take the leap and join me. This is the time to do it. We got one event in the year in person and man, we're going to just destroy doubt together over four days. You're going to leave on fire and I would love to share that with you. So go to draziz.com if you want to check that out. And also let's go to find out. Let's go do that. Go practice this step this week and see what happens. I hope it sets you on a course for more freedom than ever before. Thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, we have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.