The Freedom of Being Disliked

Welcome to Shrink for the shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey.

You're going to learn these tools, tools.

And how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome. Today's episode of the show. Today we're gonna be talking about everyone's favorite topic. What if they don't like me? Yay. All right, now you probably have. You made it this far. Don't. Don't turn me off. Don't go, don't leave. Please like me, right? I mean, this is a man, whether you know it or not. It's a massive force in your life. It's a force in everyone's life. Some people are very aware of it, and that's maybe why they seek me out. They read my book not nice or less Nice, More you. Those are both focused on becoming more authentic and less people pleasing. But, man, this can permeate into so many areas of life. Even if you don't think of yourself as a people pleaser, it's probably there. We all have some degree of this. So this isn't about perfection or being like, I don't need anybody and I don't never care about anything about what anyone thinks of me ever. Right. That's probably a bit of a compensation, that stance, you know, maybe you feel too impacted by what people think. And so you put this shell or armor on that you might convince yourself of that you are, like, you know, impenetrable and nothing affects you. Probably not true, but there is a much more authentic middle way where we aren't, you know, completely disconnected from everybody and nothing affects us and we don't care. But also, we're not terrified and unable to be ourselves around other people and having all kinds of reactivity inside, whether it's fear or anger or confusion or disturbance, when maybe someone doesn't like us. So we're going to dive into it. It's one of my favorite topics. And we could go on this for days, as I do at some of my events. We did not nice live not too long ago. Virtual events. We spent three days deep diving on this. But we're not going to spend three days here, but we're going to spend some powerful moments here to help you leave with some insights about how to free yourself from this fear. And you know, one thing to start with is it's not when someone doesn't like me. We're not even necessarily thinking that at first. We're just feeling a pressure to be a certain way. We want to hide certain information, we just feel an urge to control things. That's usually how it shows up first. We might not even be aware that it's coming from a people pleasing urge. And the urge to control things might show up as like an anxiety, a fear. And so it's like I gotta get back to that person's email. Ah, I gotta say oh, I didn't text so and so oh no, I didn't get back to ah. Or you open up a message from someone, you start to read it and your stomach drops out from oh no, what do they mean by this? What's it gonn? Right. So all these forms of anxiety and fear and reactivity we might not know in the moment we're just like oh, I didn't get back to their email and I'm stressed about it. But underneath, if you slow down, you might just find there's a, there's a fear, maybe a regular, frequent or chronic fear of upsetting others, disappointing others, others being mad at you, others disliking you. Because if we think when they get upset with me, when they get mad at me, they're not going to like me right so much. So conflict avoidance, that whole giant area that get puts under the same camp. So I wanted to start with that. That's a quick, really quick reflection though to observe. Wow, this might be permeating a lot of the relationships in my life. And so one shorthand here is when I'm feeling anxious, that's one of the top things to look at. Am I, what am I what? First of all, what am I afraid of? What am I really afraid of? Am I afraid of, you know, am I afraid someone's mad at me? Am I afraid someone's gonna be upset with me? And get really honest with yourself. Sometimes it shows straight up as that like oh yeah, I am afraid. And other times there's like an armor first, like no, I'm actually pissed at them and they should be like this and they did and you're having like a fight with them in your head but that fight is actually you underneath is like they're mad at me or they don't like me, and so I don't like them back. Right? So, okay, let's say we observe. It's happening. Like, oh, I don't. I'm afraid people aren't gonna. Oh, man. Here's one other camp. I mean, as I said, I could go on for days, but the fear of putting yourself out there. I'm just. I'm not. I haven't finished. I want to write work on my book, but I'm not. I want to record those videos, but I'm not. I want to post this stuff, but I'm not. I want to do this thing in business, but I'm not. I don't know why. Maybe I need a better routine. Maybe I just need more discipline. I need more willpower. And maybe. I don't know, maybe routines and willpower are helpful things. And that's another topic for a different show. And I can tell you that one of the biggest forces I see that prevents people from putting themselves out there, whether it's on a small scale socially or out there in the world, through their work, their art, their creations. But what if people don't like it and therefore me? Yeah, right. So that's very common one that I see a lot as well. Now what? We've nailed something. Maybe you could think of an area in your life where maybe you're holding back, or maybe it's very obvious to you that you're afraid of people not liking you. Then what? Well, here's a couple of ideas. The just have thicker skin and don't let it get to you. Hate is gonna hate. Kind of, I don't know, little trite sayings often don't work because those who have thick skin, quote, unquote, thick skin, they're already doing the stuff they don't. They're not, you know, looking for solutions. They just do it. So the rest of us, step one, probably here, is to just acknowledge that maybe you are sensitive. I know. It's like, what does this have to do. How does this. How can we fix this disease? Come on, give me the real solutions. Well, that was a big one for me because I am, I would say, very sensitive. I did not acknowledge that about myself out loud. I didn't want to acknowledge that. I thought that sounded bad, especially as a man. Too macho. What do you mean, sensitive? You mean like a wimp? Right? And Candace, my wife, now, when we first got together, pointed something out about me being not in, like, a negative way, like, oh, you're too sensitive. No, it was just much more in A reflecting back something she saw. And she, you know, and I reacted to it, though, like a negative thing. And she's like, what do you. What do you mean? I was like, it's bad. It's not bad. When I. The way I mean it, it's like. He means you feel a lot, means you perceive a lot, means you're, you know, you feel a lot of other people's feelings and the world, and, you know, it's like a form of responsiveness to life. And then my eyes got all squinty, and I said, you call me a wimp? And then it really changed for me when I. We had children and I saw my. My. My two sons. Both are. Both are sensitive. My old older son, I'd say, demonstrated that a lot as a baby, and it was undeniable. It was like, wow, that baby reacts to things like the sound of the blender or something, you know, and just, you know, that's not like a conscious training. It was like, oh, this is hardwired in his nervous system. The way he'd respond to, like, certain textures of food where he'd gag. Like avocado. Put avocado in his mouth, and he'd go, like, to this day, like, goopy, goopy foods. I would call them like yogurt. And he'll, like, gag if he tries to eat them. He's just like, gross. I can't eat this. Right? And he's 11 years old now, so that's undeniable. And I was like, oh, I feel a lot. I do. That's undeniable. One of my sensitivities. I feel that pretty much everyone I work with who's a nice person, a people, you probably feel a lot. There's nothing wrong with it. That's okay. That's part of just your makeup, and that's actually a beautiful thing. It's a superpower. That's part of what allows me here to be with you. And one of the most common feedback I get from my books and other things other than how brilliant and handsome I am. I don't know why they don't even see me in the book. No. One of most common pieces of feedback I get is like, I feel like you get me. You get me more than other books or anything else I've ever read. And it's because my ability to sense and perceive, I'm like, I do get you. I get my own experience of life. I get other people's. I feel it. Right? So it's a superpower when you can allow it then it makes you better in relationships and more loving, and it's beautiful. And it also makes it. So if someone doesn't like you or someone's upset with you, you might be like, whoa, I feel that a lot more. So instead of saying, just have a thick skin, let it bounce off. No, that might not work in your nervous system. And instead of having it bounce off, it's almost like having it move through without grabbing at it so much. It's like creating a lot of space around it. And I know that sounds kind of abstract, but stick with me because it's really important. So what happens is when someone's mad at you, in fact, just think about this. Imagine someone being upset with you or someone not liking you. You. And it could be a first specific thing that you said or a thing you believe or a thing that you did or didn't do, or if you were to put something out there in the world, people judge it and judge you. Now, there's going to be often a feeling of pain, like, ow. And one of the secrets is to, like, soften your body. Just try this right now. Like, anywhere there's holding that you don't need to be holding. Just. It's almost like we brace against that and then we armor and try to close. And what if you just let yourself be like vapor, like mist moves right through, nothing to hold on to. I even like that as a visual image. Just imagining, like, I'm a cloud of mist and it goes right through. And it's not like, get it out of me. It's got to go right through me. It's like, no, it could be here, but there's just nothing for it to hold on to. And so I'm the one who's holding on to it, grabbing it, picking up, grabbing. And so it's on me to just keep letting it go. Like, oh, let it just be. Let it move. It's just energy, and that's what it is. And that's another important thing about people's judgments, upsets, desires for you, agendas for you, criticisms of you, right? All the. All the stuff, all the noise of you should be like this. And I like this. And I don't like that. And look, every human's running around doing it, right? It's particularly our, you know, our minds and our feelings. And we want things, we don't get things. And we're sort of aware, but we're mostly unconscious about what we want and why we want and all that stuff. And that's happening. That. That Drama. And I don't mean that in a pejorative, dismissive way. It's just that, you know, it is dramatic, right? Our own feelings and our thoughts and our desires. It's a drama of our own lives. We all have. Every person has their own drama, you and me included. And then when you get near somebody, whether that's for a moment, you know, your server at the dinner table, you see, you're near them for an hour, or a friend that you spend time with or your life partner you spend, you know, decades with, you get into someone's proximity, and now you're in their drama where our dramas are interacting with each other. And that there's a lot there. There's a lot in other people's drama in yours as well, that that is there before the next person you meet. So if I go to the. Let's take the simplest example. The restaurant. I go to the restaurant, I'm having a crummy day. I'm upset. I had a fight with my wife. I'm pissed off. Everybody's, you know, not everyone's taking me for granted. People want too much for me, and I'm doing everything, and nobody does nothing. I'm sitting there and I'm. And then I'm waiting to, you know, place my order, and then finally the person comes around. I'm like, well, it's a good thing you finally came around. Been waiting here for, like, 15 minutes for someone to take my goddamn order. Okay? Put yourself in the shoes of that server. How much of that drama do they need to take on, right? I mean, none. Why, man? Can you imagine that? That's a pretty stressful day. And I talk to people, whether it's a server or just other jobs where you interact with people a lot, and it's like, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. But I want to give that specific example, because in that situation, it's pretty obvious that that server is like, whoa, dude, I don't know about what you got going on. You want a burger or what? Right? So a way to think about that is I don't need to take on other people's agenda. Drama. Whatever's happening for them in this moment, that's not mine. It's not mine to fix. Or just knowing that it was going long before you were there, wasn't it, like, their whole life? Why would that be on you to fix? I got to make them feel better. I got to make this guy at the restaurant feel better that I don't even know. You know, I got to make him Feel better in this moment, make his fight with his wife feel better. And then, obviously, this fight with his wife comes from his issues with his mother when he was 7, so I got to help fix that, too. All while serving him his burger. Right? It's totally absurd when you hear that, but emotionally, that's what we're doing. That's what the server is doing when they're racking their hands and going, oh, this person's mad at me at table nine. Oh, God, what did I do? Oh, my God, what did I do? Why are they so mad at me? And just take a big breath in and soften and let it go. Let that vapor mist thing happen. Like, whoa. And a term I like is, oh, that person's on their own trip, you know, as in, well, that harkens back to maybe the whole way of being maybe a psychedelic trip. I don't know. But, like, yeah, whoa. They're on a trip right now. It's the anger thing. Okay. Yeah, yeah. That's what they want. That's what they want to do. And that's okay. It's okay. I don't need to fix it. I don't need to stop it. I don't need to solve it. It's not mine. Can. Can you feel the freedom in that? Now? You might say, well, Aziz, but that's all well and good for the server at the restaurant. What if it's my partner and they're mad at me because of something? And maybe it's. I don't know if I didn't do anything right. They're mad at me because they want to spend more quality time on the weekend, and I want to do this other thing. And they say I don't pay much attention to them, and I don't love them, and do I not spend them? Am I being too selfish? Like, oh, man, this is so complicated and hard. Let me just be the people pleaser and say whatever you want, honey. Yeah, babe, you got it. And that's a strategy a lot of people do in relationships, and it works great until it totally falls apart in a flaming wreckage. Yay. Or if you're real nice, the relationship never falls apart. You stay in it forever. You keep accommodating times 10,000 till you're contorted all backwards. You don't even know who you are. You've lost all connection with your own self and identity and dreams. You feel like the spark has died inside in your shell of a human, and you just wait it out. And because you're going to Stay in the relationship until you, you die. Hypothetically, theoretically, I don't know. I've never done anything like that myself. But there you have. There you have it. You know, you just carry out the, the program because the change is too scary. Being different is too scary. Or instead of running that playbook, you can say, I'm going to run a more authentic relationship playbook where I'm more real. We're going to share what's really happening and it's going to lead to more conflict and maybe even the break it down on the relationship and an ending, but at least it's be freaking real and alive and pulsing with passion and life. That's the other option. And when we do that, then we see, here's one thing that's very helpful in relationships because sometimes we don't know. And what is the compromise and all that stuff he said, can I take no responsibility at all for how that person's feeling? And this one's, you know, it's more complex and it's interesting. There is still some truth of like, yeah, they're going to have their own thoughts and feelings and drama, and it's not yours to fix all that. That's absolutely true. That's called over responsibility or codependence, where you feel like you need to fix everything. I'm not okay. Unless you feel okay in this moment. But another thing that's very helpful is just this. Know that when you're having conflict with a partner or something, that upset is temporary because react to it like it's permanent. And they thought that, and now they always think this. I don't know, maybe they're just upset. You know, back to that server example. Is, is the guy at the restaurant always angry or just having a fight that morning? His upset is temporary. And so sometimes we're so freaked out. I can't have my partner be upset for one moment, one second. I can't have this friend or this client or this colleague be upset for just even a micro moment in a meeting. Oh my God, I'm gonna die. It's like, well, yeah, maybe they'll upset. Upset is temporary. They'll work through it. But it's important for me to say this because this needs to be said. I gotta point out the thing that's not working in this meeting or I gotta tell my partner what I want or not want or whatever. Gotta be real. So speaking of being real, let's talk about your action step for today. Time for action, action, action. Your action step is gonna be to practice the the vapor. So maybe something comes up in your life, or you could even just focus on it. Now when you think of someone who might be upset with you or disagree with you or dislike you, something that triggers that anxiety or need to control or act and just soften, create a lot of space. Even imagining and feeling the space around your body and letting your body become much less dense and much more porous, like a cloud. And then so that energy of upset or whatever is coming your way, or that fear of needing to control all that is just. There's like nothing for it to hold on to, nothing for it to bind to. It's just mist, letting it move right through. Great. I encourage you to play with that. And obviously you know you can take more bold action from this place because we don't have as much to protect and defend and hide from. Amazing. Great work. Thanks for being with me today. And until we speak again, we have the courage to be who you are. To know on a deep level that you are vapor and awesome. I'll talk to you soon.

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