The Gentle Art Of Saying NO — Become More Assertive

You need to say no, but you're not quite sure how or it's too uncomfortable to do it. Maybe you've been telling yourself for a long time, oh, I should say no to that? Oh, I need to say no more. I'm over committed. I'm overstretched, have a hard time saying no. And it's been that way for months, Years, decades. Well, if so, I'm so glad you're watching this video because you're gonna learn the two biggest reasons why you haven't been saying no. And then three very specific things that you can do today, starting right now, to be able to say no when you need to so you can feel a lot more free in your life. And that's what this is all about. And you're gonna discover that in this video. It doesn't make you person. It's not about hurting other people. It's actually about you taking care of yourself. I'm Dr. Aziz. I'm the founder of the center for Social Confidence and author of six best selling books on the topic of confidence, including Not Nice and Less Nice, More you, where I teach people how to say no. And if you're enjoying this, please click down below to like this video and subscribe for more videos like it. Now let's talk about the two reasons why you haven't been saying no. The first one is on some level you feel bad for doing it. And the best word for it is probably guilt. A sense of I'm hurting the other person, I'm letting them down. What's really happening. Happening is you're probably very empathic and so you're feeling a sense they might have disappointment. Maybe they do have disappointment. Maybe you're not just imagining it. Maybe they even tell you that like, oh. Or they show it to you, or they don't say it, but you, you just feel it as they walk away. You can feel it through their text when you've told them no and they say, oh, that's cool, that's okay. And you're like, oh. Ah. So that feeling of guilt can be so intense and so uncomfortable that you do anything you can to avoid it. So you end up saying yes. Can you relate to this? And behind the guilt, it's not just a feeling of guilt. The reason you feel guilty because you've broken a rule. So at least in your mind, it might not be a real rule, but you might have a rule that says it's bad to say no. It's bad disappoint people. It's bad to not give people what they want. And now every time you break that rule, you feel this guilt. And it doesn't have to be that way. And it's not actually necessarily even healthy for relationships. But that's how it's set up. That's the reason, number one. Reason number two is fear. Fear of them getting upset, fear of retribution, fear of them withdrawing, fear of loss. Like, oh, God, I better do what they want or else I'm going to get fired. I'm going to let go, I'm going to get looked over. They're going to sneakily attack me later without me knowing it. They're going to withhold love, they're going to dump me, they're going to withdraw on and on. I could look at your social life, your dating life, your career and your family. It's this fear of retribution or loss. And that can keep you in the cage. Now you got guilt and fear. And most people just operate with their hands tied behind their back, doing what everyone else wants, saying, yes, yes, sir, yes, ma'. Am. And then it's like your life isn't fully your own. It's of a runaway train. Do you feel that way? Do you feel over committed, exhausted, or just resentful because you're doing stuff you don't want to do with people you don't want to do with? You're there longer than you want to. It's like, you don't have any conditions on your time in your life, and it's not yours. So are you ready to change this? Here's three strategies on specifically what to say and how to do it. You can say no in a gentle way, because I think the fear is like, if I want to say no, it's going to be all harsh and mean and critical. And here's the biggest secret to saying no in a skillful way. You ready giving yourself 100% permission to say no. I'm allowed to say no. And you say, oh, geez, how do I do that? I don't feel that way. You don't feel that way because you think you have a mistaken idea that you're responsible for everyone's feelings and that your people's only source, someone's only source for social connection or friendship, someone asks you a favor, you're the only one who could do that for them. That's not true. If you say no, they're gonna find somebody else. I know. That might be a hit to our ego. Like what? I'm not the only one? Yeah, yeah, they'll find someone Else. And yeah, maybe they'll be disappointed, and that's okay. That's the second part of you're not responsible to make sure that nobody ever feels disappointed in life. Because guess what? That's part of life. Are going to feel disappointed. They're going to feel discouraged. They're going to want something and not get it. I mean, how often do you go through your life wanting something and not getting it? Isn't that a big part of life? So you can't take that away. So that's the first part of this strategy is nothing about what you say. It's this internal shift. And if you don't get that, you're not going to do the next two things because you're not allowed to. Right. So once you've really gotten. I'm not responsible for everyone's feelings to make sure no one feels bad and I'm not actually hurting somebody because they're going to be able to find another way to meet their needs. That's the mindset shift. Part number one. Now we can go to two and three. What you actually say. So to do it kindly, respectfully. When someone asks you for something, the best way to do it is to be clear, short, and direct. I see this all the time where people give excessive explanations, where it kind of waters down the message, hey, can you show up for this thing? Well, I have this other thing going on. I'd like to maybe. I think I could be there. But I get this other thing, and I got to pick up my kids over there, and I'll. I'll see what I can do. It's like, what? Right? Or worse, you say, yeah, I'll be there. And your head's saying something different than your mouth is, and you're giving a very mixed message. So clarity is power here. And if you want to make it kinder, you receive the invitation before you say no. So try this one. Someone says to you, hey, can you come to my party? And you say, oh, thank you. Thank you for the invitation. That sounds like an awesome time. I'm actually committed and not able to come at that time, but thank you so much for the invite. Or you can say, not available. You don't have to go. And that's another thing people like you have to explain why. Well, I totally would be there, but I got to take my mom to the thing, and then I got this work thing. And as if you owe them the long explanation, you don't say, oh, thank you so much. I'm not available, but I'd Love to catch the next one. So here's the other part of being skillful. If you actually care, like, maybe you don't want to have a relationship with that person, you don't want to see them that often, then you don't add this on. But if you do, you say, hey, thanks for the invitation. That sounds like an awesome time. I wish I could be there. I'm actually committed to something else. And here's the part to add on, but I would love to join you for the next one. Or, hey, I can't make it to that, but. And this is where you put your counter invitation. You express your interest. I can't make it to that, but I'd love to go with you on Saturday to the game. Right. So now, even if they say no to that, you're showing that you do want that connection. And that really mitigates if you're the fear of someone withdrawing or thinking you don't like them. No, you offer something else. And here's the other part. Number three is say no as many times as needed. Because sometimes people, like, I said no. Great. They asked again. Okay. So I had to say yes. What? You can't say no twice in a row. That's really rude, right? No, you could say no. So someone's like, hey, can you come to this thing? Oh, I'm not available. Oh, you sure? It's going to be so fun. Oh, man, I bet it is. I'm sad to miss it, but I'll catch the next one. Thank you so much for the invite. Do you see? Do you say, I graciously receive it and then I talk about wanting to catch the next one, or I say, hey, well, I'd love to do this other thing with you. So you do the same thing from number two, but you repeat it. Say no as many times as needed. Now, if someone's coming at you really intensely, you offer less and less explanation. You got to do this thing. No, no. You really got to do this thing. I said no. And this is in a case if someone's really being pushy or overriding again and again, I made it clear I'm not available, Right? And so you can be firm with that if someone keeps going, but most people don't, right? Unless you're getting, like a heavy sell on you. So for the most part, you just repeat it once, twice, maybe, if needed, and then you move on. So you have to have that permission, that freedom to say no as many times as needed. So if this is valuable for you, please share down in the comments below. What are you finding most valuable? What are you learning? Where are you going to apply this in your life? And I hope this serves you until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.