The Gift Of Failure

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of.

Being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey.

You're going to learn these tools and.

How to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the podcast. Today, going to be talking about everyone's favorite topic, failure. That's right. And I actually, it's a beautiful story in which you're going to learn about the gifts of failure, you know, because we can tend to see failure as something either totally unwanted, like, you know, if you can avoid it at all, in all ways in life, then that's better. You know, the less failure, the better. Or we kind of, you know, oh, yes, failure is part of learning. So let me grit my teeth and get through this terrible thing so that I can learn and grow and get to the good stuff. Right? So we kind of have failure as this unnecessary, this necessary evil on the path. And there's actually something much bigger possible here where failure is not something to be avoided and it's not even something to be endured. Failure is actually something that's a gift that's shaping you, that's guiding you, that's growing you. And instead of just talking about it, I wanted to share a story in which I fail and you can learn about it. I actually recorded an episode about this. And then I'm not going to use it, though, because later on in that same week, I was doing a call with my Unstoppable. It's a group program I run called the Unstoppable Confidence Mastermind. And it's a group of people who are super committed to this confidence work. It's amazing. We work together in depth for a year. They come to my live events, we get on calls. They're on calls every week. Just like, really diving in and making this change and transformation in a real powerful and profound way. It's beautiful to watch the growth, and I love them all and the connection that we have. And so I was sharing this story with the group, and after that call.

I was like, oh, that was way.

Better than the podcast episode I recorded about it. But because it was real And I was there with them and I was looking at them. And it's just, it always more comes out when we're really sharing openly with others. So we're going to cut away to me sharing that story about failure. I'm on my computer when I run those calls. And so the audio is not the same as here. It's a little higher quality here than it will be in that segment. But you'll be able to hear and understand all of it. And it's a much better telling of the story. And then we'll come back here into the studio, as it were, and do the action step. So as you listen to this story, pay attention to failure and the gifts within failure. Not just in my story and for me, but for you. And think about failure in your own life. And just to prime that a little bit, where have you failed? Where do you feel like you're maybe failing right now? What's your relationship to failure? As in how do you hold it.

How do you feel about it?

And where in your life might you be holding back out of that fear of failure? Just some things to think about. And now let's dive into that segment from the Mastermind call.

I want to share a little story with you guys that relates to that, but it relates to everything. And it's really about. There's a couple themes to this story. One is about how we're seen by others and how much control we can try to exert subtly to impression manage, as it's called, Try to manage how people see us, control people's perceptions of us, make sure that they're positive. So, you know, if you feel uncomfortable sharing authentically, like, here's where I'm at right now. That might be because we have judgments like I should be this way and not that way. Whatever this and that is for you. So I should be upbeat and energetic, not tired and sad. Or I should be, you know, I shouldn't be frustrated by frustrating events of the day. I should let it all go, whatever your should is. And so maybe when you share how you really are, there can be shame about that on some level. Maybe so. So it's like, so this is about how people see you, but this story is also about failure. And I think this is such a good topic, especially as we get closer to our event in June, three weeks now. Ish. Because it's all about that fear of rejection, that fear of failure and how it can hold us back. So I don't know how many people I told about this or knew about this, but I had signed up for in my first ever ultra marathon, which is any race longer than 26 miles. And this one was 31 miles in the woods next to Portland and Forest Park. And I signed up in January, and the race was just yesterday. And I was running a lot over the last four months, preparing for it. And then three weeks ago, I started having pretty significant body pain. The mind body stuff that I've talked a lot about with you guys and generally have found ways to work with and resolve. However, this episode was just not letting up. So I was just having more and more pain, and I stopped all running, and I could barely, like, I was, like, hobbling around one of those episodes, and immediately my mind was like, oh, my God, we got it. Get back to running the race. The race is in three weeks. I gotta do it. And I don't have control, though. So I was just working on my practices. A lot of the healing comes from, like, really letting go. There was that contraction about, like, I can't let go. I have to do this thing. So kind of worked with that maybe almost a week or two almost. And it was just not letting up. And I was barely running. And now I was like, oh, geez. Two weeks gone by, I haven't run very much at all. It hurts every time I try to run. And so I messaged the race director, you know, so I get the message. I'm like, okay, this is my body telling me to slow down. Enough of this ultra stuff. Just slow down. Just let go. Just. And you got it. And so I told myself I just. I'm not gonna do the race. But then the pain persisted. So I was like, okay, the message must be that I need to drop out of the race officially, because there's a part of me, it's still like, I'll let go, then I'll. My body will return to strength, and then I'll go run that motherfucker. And so I email the race director, and I'm like, can't do it. I'm dropping. So you can give my spot to someone on the wait list. And then two days, for two days, right after doing that, I'm just, like, aching in my heart. I'm like, I want to run this thing. I want to do it. Like, it's. I want to run in the woods. And I just. I couldn't. I couldn't. It just persisted. So I emailed her again, and I was like, let me back in the race, please. And I didn't know if they'd already filled it or what? But she said, yes, you're back in. So I said, okay. And then it was like, oh, I got six days left. I better heal this faster now. Even though there's nothing really to heal, like there's nothing wrong, there's nothing broken in my body. It's all just tension, stress and repressed emotion and whatever. So an attachment, a lot of attachment. And here's where failure comes in and impression management stuff. I realized that there was a party that really wants to do this because it would mean something like if I can run this far, then it means I'm. I'm super free of restriction. I'm limitless. That's meaning that I made up, right? But then there's also like, oh, but I told people that I was going to do this. And I want to be seen as this guy who is really strong and invincible now. Used to have pain and now I'm like invincible. And that's very inspiring. And I want to be that inspiring person to inspire others, but maybe also to look good to others. Because when I imagine not doing that, there was a fear about what would other people think of me? They would think, oh, I guess he doesn't really have all his chronic pain handled. Oh, I guess he isn't really that awesome of a runner or something. Some. Some vague judgments. I don't, I don't look up to him anymore. So as I re signed back up, I was like, this is not about other people. I don't have to do this. I can still not go, but I'm gonna sign up because I feel drawn to it. So I did a couple of runs leading up to it. Longest one was like three or four miles and it hurt the whole time. So then the race day came yesterday. I was like, I feel guided to do it. I just, I gotta. I don't exactly know why. And so I'm out there and I'm like scared before we start because I'm just afraid of the pain because it hurts to run. So I'm just like, oh man, this is going to hurt. And they're like, no, don't think that it's going to hurt. Like, be open to the possibility that it could lift at any time. And as you're listening to this story, even if you don't run or relate to chronic pain or anything, think about, you're about to do that thing and you're scared. You're scared of failing. What is that thing for you? Is it approaching somebody? Is it stepping up in some way and work or Putting yourself out there for business, for your personal expression, offering, inviting friends to something. What is that thing that you're scared of and what is the fear? Usually the fear is of some sort of failure, some sort of rejection. And for me, in this case, the failure is, I'm not gonna be able to do this race. So there I am. And they bell goes off, whatever, and we all start running through the woods. Interesting side note, the race director is like, all right, everybody, he's giving like a 10 minute spiel before we start. And he's like, one thing I have to tell you, there's banana slugs in Forest Park. There's a banana slug on the trail in front of you. You have to stop until the slug goes by and gets off the trail. And everyone in the group, there's like, you know, it's the race, about a hundred people and all this. Some other people around and there's like, amongst the group there's a general like chuckling, like. And he's like, no, I'm serious. You have to let the slugs go. All right? And at the end of the race we have blah, blah.

And he just moved on.

And I was like, was that. That was. That was really weird. I don't know if like the. There's like a special interest group in Portland for like this protect the slugs, but it was a very odd moment. Another moment that I absolutely loved is they. Because it was Memorial Day, they were going to sing the national anthem. Oh, no. This guy come up there and he was going to sing the national anthem. And he stood there and they're like, all right, cue it up, Donna. And so she presses this button on a PA and it's like. And then he's like, oh, no, this is not the right one. This is not the right one. And he runs over to it and then they change the track. It was all very humorous. And then we start running and sure enough, my body's hurting, like after two miles. And it's not like, oh, my muscles are sore. It's like, oh, my back's all fucked up. And I'm like, ah, maybe it'll pass. Maybe it'll pass. So then I'm like running and I'm. And I'm like trying to let go because I'm like, it's tension, right? It must be fear. I'm just afraid of this race and blah, blah, blah, blah. I had so many interpretations leading up to it, and I'm trying to release, trying to release. And it's just hurting, hurting, hurting. And then we start doing up and down and up and down. And then about mile five, I was like, all right, all right. I just got to dig deep into, like, the wisdom of David Goggins. And just think of him. I mean, he ran on broken fucking shins. Like, I can do this. So I dug into that for maybe five more miles. Now, this might not sound like, oh, five miles here and there. This is, like. This is way harder than running I've done on city streets, which is. Most of my training was still on. That is, like, hard five miles. So it's a long, long time. So five miles, like another hour. And as time goes on, I'm going, like, slower and slower and slower then. And it's not like people can just run right by you. It's kind of a narrow trail. So when someone wants to pass, you kind of have to step aside and let them go. So I'm running. Step aside. I'm running. Step aside. And then, like, you know, there's like, later on, I'm running, I step aside, and there's, like, older people passing me. There's, like, a guy that's, like. Like 25 years older than me, and he's like, good job. Keep it up. And I'm like. And it was like. It was failure. And it was like, just. Not just like, a moment of failure, but just like, okay, at the pace I'm going, I got four and a half hours more hours of failure and pain in front of me. And then about 13 miles in, I was just like, I can't. I'm toast. Like, I do not have it in me to do this for 17 more miles. Like, that just sounds excruciating. And so I start planning my escape. There's an aid station two miles ahead at 15 miles. And I'm like, here's what I'll do. I'll just say, guys, I'm dropping from the race and see you later. So I go there, and it's really out in the middle of nowhere. Aid station. We're about 15 miles out, so we're not near anything. And they have, like, a folding table and two water things, and there's three of them there. And there's some people, a couple runners coming up, and they're filling their water bottles, and I'm standing there, and I'm, like, a little embarrassed to proclaim it because the other runners will hear. Those guys are there. So now I have to. I can't just, like, veer off into the. It was like a big city marathon. You could Just, like, veer off into the port, a potty area and be gone. But here I had to, like, proclaim to them, hey, guys, I'm quick. So that's what I did. I said, so if I wanted to exit the race, what would be the most effective way to do that? And they started brainstorming with me, like, well, wow, this is a bad place to stop. I'm like, yeah, I know. He's like, okay, well. So they brainstormed me, and basically I could go up this. Fastest way out would be to go up this, like, mile hill and then veer off into a trailhead where I could probably catch a ride with somebody. And so I said, okay, thank you, guys. And then I'm starting, and it's like, straight up, and it's another mile, and it just, like, hurts to walk at this point. Everything hurts. And I'm like, okay, well, I've dropped. And now I'm going up. And then I'm getting passed by people still. And in that moment, I'm just like, I'm a failure, right? And then something, like, snapped inside of me or clicked inside of me, and I was like, okay, I have a choice right now. In the. In the midst of failure, I can choose to get on the bandwagon of attacking myself and making this really bad, or I can get on my own side. I have that choice right now. And we all have that choice. In any moment, no matter how long you've been attacking yourself, no matter how bad you think the mistake or failure or letdown or whatever is, no matter how guilty you think you are or not, you can choose. In this moment, even if it doesn't feel like you can, you can. Because just the act of remembering that you can choose is a part of the. The shift. So I said, I'm not going to attack myself for this. And then what happened is I just noticed. I just started to watch the thoughts. Oh, man. What do other people. It's like this vague. Other people. I'm failing. I'm failing. And I'm just like, wow, who cares? No one. Those people walking or running by me on the trail, they don't care. Those three guys at the aid station, they were, like, loving and warm and sympathetic and helpful. Who really cares? All those people that I might think would look down upon me, do they? Would they really? There's only one person who really, really cares. And you might think it's me, but it's actually not even me. It's the smallest version of me. It's my ego. It's this little scared self that wants to impress others and not look bad in front of others. It's not even really me. So much bigger than that. All of us are. And so it felt like this really beautiful moment because we were like to get down there, we like went down the super steep descent and then we had this whole flat part and this big. It was like the biggest elevation change in the run. And then it's like down out of this pit, out to get out. And it felt like it was just this fire of like pain in my back and body and this fire just like burning up any of that need to impress others, that fear of failure. And by the time I got out and reached the top and then veered off, I just felt love for myself and sort of the irrelevance of whether I achieved something or not. Any given metric, any given goal and how, that's not really even the point. And there might be things I want, I'm going to go for and whatever, but it's like sort of irrelevant to love. I wanted to share that because I think it's so easy to hide our failures, to gloss them over, to make it seem like they didn't bother us. And I want to model something different where it is confusing or awkward or painful and we do grow from it, but it is messy. And so my intention and my hope is that you reflect on your own life and you can use this for your failures and maybe not have some weird idea that it's like, oh yeah, Aziz has worked on all this stuff, so he doesn't have stuff anymore. He doesn't have issues. So let's take a few shares. What are you seeing in yourself or about failure or ways that this story is landing or impacting you? What it's making you think about.

So there you have it, the beautiful failure story. There's so much more I'm continuing to learn from it and could just go on for hours about some of the profound insights and ways that that experience has benefited me and even how I have learned about failure itself and how to approach failure in other areas of my life. So the question I have for you is the one that I pose to the group, which is how is this impacting you? In fact, that brings us to your action step for today.

Time for action.

Action, action. The first part of your action step is to answer that question. Like, what's standing out to you? What are you taking away from this episode? Like, take a moment to actually consciously think about it because that will make it more solid more real, more actionable. So what are you taking away? What are you seeing about failure? What's it making you think about? Awesome. And then the second thing is to share one of your failures with someone else. It doesn't have to be a big, long story or a deep, dark confession, but just, you know, something's not going well, share it with someone like, oh, hey, did that go? It didn't go well. They didn't like it. Or I got rejected there. Or that didn't happen just casually. You can just mention it. Like, stop hiding failure and start sharing it. Start having the courage to be real. Because that might seem so scary. Just like to me, telling those people I wanted to stop the race felt so embarrassing and scary. And then when you do it, you're like, oh, it's no big deal. No one cares. People still love me. People still want to be in my life. Life goes on. And we can know that intellectually without taking the leap or the risk. But we know it in our hearts and we know it in our core. And therefore we get the confidence benefits only when we take the action. So that is your action step for today, my friend. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please just let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.

Sam.