The Hidden Benefit of Comparison

Welcome to Shrink for the shy guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about comparisons, the killer of confidence, among other things. Unless you downwardly compare and then you feel superior to others and then which case now you might have the formula for confidence. We'll discuss do they help? Do they hurt? And also, you know, there's many ways that we can compare ourselves and oftentimes they're really fast. They're mostly subconscious. And a lot of the time you might not even know what you're comparing based on. And so this episode will be very helpful in illuminating what your patterns are, how you're comparing yourself, what your metrics you're using, especially if you end up feeling inferior a lot, and then how to be more free of that. And I'm excited to be sharing this episode with my good friend and colleague, coach Jonathan Hernandez. Woo.

I'm still dancing to the music that you had in the intro. Cause it's bomb. That's right. That's not how it sounded at all.

Well, before recording this, we were listening to Colebreak's remake of Kirby song.

That's right.

The gourmet race. Do do do do do do do do do do do.

Yeah.

Anyway, we didn't. We don't have that song either. We don't have the right song.

Yeah.

Oops. That was my own red rendition of. Of something for entertainment purposes only. Okay, very good. Anyway, today we're gonna be talking about comparisons. So you probably, as you're listening, we're comparing your singing voice to mine and feeling inferior.

That's right.

I'd imagine most people feel inferior.

My Kirby impersonation is off the the hook. And you're probably like, I don't know how to do the high pitched voice.

So here's the thing about comparisons. I just want to throw down. If you're at the peak of the mountain, like you and me.

Like Alex.

Honnold, the free climber who just climbed to the top of El Capitan.

That's right.

Then you want to compare yourself to other climbers and other people because you're like, yeah, I'm better than them all.

Yeah.

And you feel good.

That guy doesn't know how to confess his love, though.

No, he's a coward. He did say I love you at the very end of the movie.

Nah, we'll see how that relationship goes in any case.

No, we're playing around here. But the truth is that generally comparisons are problematic because even if you end up on top in one comparison, moments later you can end up on the bottom. And usually we're not even choosing them. They're kind of just habitual and firing off.

Yeah. I remember feeling like that person's better than me. Or why does that one person seem to have things put together? But I never thought of what it is. I just would say that out loud and then my mind would be. Would be like, yep, he's better. There's no. There's, like, no detail that I'm telling myself, like, oh, is it because of this? Is it because of status? Is he just articulate?

You know, it feels really fast. Like, yeah, very subconscious. Very fast. Very automatic and very primal and tribal. It's like this quick assessment of, you know, like, primates and other animals will quickly assess pack hierarchy, and they're doing it by all kinds of metrics and markers, like the size and the physique and how they carry themselves and all this stuff. And. And then, sure enough, like, they'll instantly fall into a hierarchy. And I think we're doing that as well. And that's why it happens so fast, where you're just like, oh, I'm less. I'm less than that one. That one's higher than me in terms of worth and status and hierarchy and power and hair. Hair.

He has hair. I don't.

Mating desirability and stuff.

Yeah.

So I think that's why it can occur so quickly, and it's why it's so important to bring conscious attention and focus to it. Like, listening to this episode and thinking about it will. Because then you can start to become more free of it. Which is one of the cool gifts of being a human is, like, we do have this pack hierarchy and status, but we can. We can radically shift that because we're shifting between groups all the time. We can quickly change our behavior and model other things. Whereas, like, a, you know, a wolf that's low on the pack status hierarchy, if it, like, it's like, no Alpha, Today's my day. It would just get, like, murdered and redone.

So it also feels like, oh, I don't want to, like, change my group. Like, I don't want to surround myself with losers and, like, naysayers just so that I could be at the top. Yeah. Cause that doesn't feel fulfilling. No.

But there's some way out because I feel like I've noticed a radical reduction in comparison in my life in, like, the last five years. And what I found is the more that I grow into the person that I want to be, the less I compare myself. It's like when I feel deficient in a certain area, then I compare up and feel inadequate. But then when I've grown in that area to a certain level, maybe not as good as those people, but I've grown a lot, then I don't feel that as much. I noticed this in all kinds of things. Used to constantly compare myself physically and athletically to people like, oh, they're better than me. Oh, they're better than me. And then I consistently worked on my own athletic abilities and physical abilities for the last two years now, and I just don't compare nearly as much. Even though, yeah, I'm seeing people all the time that are doing more, faster, better. There's no sense of inadequacy. So that's where I think, you know, same thing in business, too. Like, I remember when I was earlier in my creating this business, interacting with people who have successful coaching, business, teaching, business, book authors, and they'd be like, oh, how big is their following? And, oh, man, their business earns 5 million a year. Like, what the. Oh, geez, I'm. And those discernments, comparisons of they earn X or whatever would instantly be paired with a feeling of shame and inferiority. And as time has gone on, I don't feel that. And I think about the same people. Like one of my mentors, you know, at the time, his business was finally, it might even be more now. And I don't earn that at all. This business doesn't generate that. But I don't feel inferior.

Yeah, there's a sense of, like, you coming into your own, like, identity or what you strive for, what matters to you. And there's like a discipline and a practice that you're doing to create that. Whereas I think if somebody was starting out or, like, I would. I started my workout program, like, last year, and I too, felt inferior to some people at the gym. But then after a year went by, I was like, no, I belong here. Like, I know what I'm doing, but so there's that.

Even though you were still.

Even though. Look at me. I'm, like, small and wiry, so you.

Would still look at you. You could still say, okay, that person's still objectively stronger, bigger than I am.

But I felt, because I was building my routine and, like, I know, like, I'm in the process of strengthening my body.

Yeah.

Like, I felt like I'm supposed to be here. And I think, like, with others who are doing that comparison, maybe like, they're starting off in their journey of being aware of their anxiety, and then they're like, well, that person seems so put together, and they're not thinking about the progress that they're making within their. Within their own lives.

Mm. Well, so is there a way out of that? Because it's like, what we're saying here is like, well, if you just consistently work on whatever thing that you're. You're feeling inferior in, if you just actively worked on that for, like, a year, then maybe that feeling would go away.

Yeah.

And.

And it's a maybe.

It's a maybe.

Yeah.

Because there's true. I mean, there's people that are extremely successful at something and constantly feel inferior. I know a lot of people that earn a lot of money who compare up and then feel poor.

Yeah.

Yeah. There's an interesting. This was from the book Holden. Is his name Robert Holden? Maybe he wrote a book called Be Happy, the British fellow. But he. Fellow, he's like a Ph.D. some guy.

Anyway, he was selling newspapers.

Hey, I'm gonna write a book on being happy. Step one, be Happy.

No, Done.

It's a fascinating book. Really deep dive. He knows the topic well. But anyway, he's citing some research where they ask people, like, what percentage of people are rich? And this was some. This is in the uk, Some poll, and people said. And they aggregated all the data, and the total number, the average, was 21%. 21% of people are rich. And they also interviewed people and asked them, do you consider yourself rich? And so based upon that, the first study, about one in five, about 20% of people should say, yeah, I'm rich. I'm one of those people. Guess how many people said they were rich, identified as that?

Less than that.

Less than 1%.

Whoa.

Which is crazy, because all of those people who are rich don't see themselves.

Don't see themselves. Yeah.

And then there's another one. Whereas this was in the United States, 70, 40%, 4 out of 10 people who earned a salary of 75 to 100,000 a year. Said I don't have enough money to get everything I need. And notice the language there. Need, need.

It's not even want.

It's like, I need a TV that's bigger than my wall, you know? And so I think we're in this. So it's possible to be rich or to be strong or have it all together or be confident, whatever, and be consistently feeling inadequate by comparing up.

Yeah. There's, like, a healthy way of wanting it, too. Right. Like, I know where I'm at and where I want to be. So I have these goals in line and these mile markers of what I'm doing. I've noticed that since. I've been working on my growth since, like, 2015. I was heavy in the comparison game. And there was an episode that you had where it's like, note the times that you're comparing yourself to others. And I did that for a week. And you did the homework. I did the homework, Yeah. I was level five commitment, baby.

Yeah. And that's why you are where you are today.

Yeah. And I don't find myself comparing myself to others. I'm trying to. I'm reflecting to say, if I could say that honestly. And I really haven't had a moment to where I felt like I need to compare myself to somebody regarding, like, status or things. I've had, like, feelings of, like, oh, man, I should be, but it's, like, not registering with me.

Yeah.

I live in New York, and so, like, it's heavy and materialistic. And I noticed that in the environment that you're in, it's like, oh, I do need to be if I want to play this game. Like, I need to be this. But then I'd come home, and then I'd kind of, like, let it all go.

Yeah. It's very easy to get swept up in the environment. I know that I go to this business summit once a year where these people are there, do run very successful businesses, and I have the smallest business of the group, probably. And I. You know, a couple. It's like three days, and by the middle of the second day, I'm like, I need to. Need to somehow triple the size of my business in a week. You know, it's like. And I'm literally, whoa, whoa, whoa. You know, And I think that's the key, is if we do get swept up is coming back to center and coming back to self.

Yeah.

But I think what's behind what's driving all those comparisons is, like, I'm Inadequate right now.

Right now.

Yeah. And it goes way beyond. It's like. Because it's like X equals. Yeah. If I am shorter than that person or poorer that person or more anxious than that person looks, whatever the metric is, I am. Y equals Y. That equals Y. And Y in this case is bad, wrong, unlovable. It's like this kind of all or nothing kind of thing.

Yeah.

And it's not. The problem is comparison is an inevitable and natural thing. Like, oh, my shirt is darker than your shirt. I am taller than you.

Like, you know, we're about the same size.

Zain, my son, says that I'm taller. He likes to put me when people come to the house. He's like, stand back to back with my dad. Then we'll stand back to back and he'll say he was taller. And he always says me. Which is funny because Matt was over the other day and he was doing that with Matt and Matt and I. And I had shoes on too, and Matt didn't. And I was standing back to back and he was like, who's taller? And he's like, dada.

Yeah.

And then I'm like. I put my hand back there on top of my head.

I'm like.

I'm like, I feel Matt's side of Matt's head like he's taller than me.

It's bias. He's also got a interesting perspective because he's shorter.

That's right.

So he's looking up.

Well, anyway, my mom says I'm the most handsome guy. That's true. In the world.

You are, though. That is. That's undeniable.

But. So we're constantly comparing and we can't stop ourselves from doing that. I think that's just a natural thing. Is that more or less bigger, better? What? But it. Unplugging that from the. You're therefore your value as a human part of the equation. So it's like that person makes more money than I do. Yes, they do. And you can just acknowledge that. And then there's no but. So I think behind that is this, like, the demands we have for ourselves. In order to be a good person, I have to earn X amount of money. In order to be lovable, I have to be, you know, have to have X amount of hair or this size of muscle or this thin of, you know, my thighs cannot touch or whatever the metrics are. And so I think what people don't do is what you did is they don't slow down and say, well, what is the thing? What is the Exact reason why I'm unlovable or bad or inferior. Because if they do that, they'll start to find the code. Basically, it's like the underlying rule book playbook. Because it's just a list. It's like a algorithm. It's a sequence of rules. Like, if you have this, then you're worthy. If you don't, you're not. And we all have it. It was passed down from our parents to us, typically. And so it's of great value to look at, well, how much do I need to earn and how much. How do I need to look? And these things are actually independent of the comparisons that you're doing. The comparisons are just reflecting that. So that would be a great question to ask yourself is like, in fact, right now, if you're listening, think about what is, like, one person you tend to compare yourself to. Or maybe it's strangers. Like, what's the thing you're comparing yourself on? We were talking about different clients that we interact with and work with. And like, what was your sense? Maybe just pick client at random. Like, what do they tend to compare themselves on?

Like, whoever the person, it seems like there's a presentation or they're in a group and they're like this center of attention. They're articulate. They seem to have, like, jokes coming flying left and right out of their mouth. Everybody wants to high five them.

I know, I know what it's like.

Yeah.

Just everywhere I go, that's how it is. People wanting to high five me.

They just want to high five you.

You're a Z's.

We did this exercise in Portland, and you and I were both standing, like, in sequence to do high fives. I didn't get the high five. And you got the high five.

I'm telling you, I, you know, man, people are just drawn to my. My hand.

Yeah.

So, but that's. There's so much going on there in that one comparison. I think everyone can relate to this. Comparing to the, quote, life of the party.

Yeah.

And feeling inferior. And the question would be, though, okay, is that really how you want to be? Or what about this? Let's say at that same party.

You.

Were there with, like, three of your best friends and you just, you love these people and they love you. And you guys, like, you know, hung out together before, and you show up to this party and you're, you know, you might be mingling and stuff, but you're also kind of coming back and checking in with each other and you're connecting and having a great Time. And, you know, later on, you're gonna go to the diner afterwards and just hang out for hours. And you love these people and they know you deep down. Like, it's not just superficial friendships. Like, they know what's going on your life. They've known you for years and they love you. Like, would you really, in that moment, feel all that inferiority in that situation?

No, it doesn't seem like you would. Yeah, it's like.

So what's happening is, like, there's this sense of, like, I want connection. I am lonely right now.

Yeah.

I'm at this party and I don't really know anyone, and. Or maybe I do, but only peripherally. And what I want is deep connection right now. Oh, man, look at that person over there. I bet they feel really connected, you know, that's what. That's how I need to be in order to be connected. I need to talk more and be funnier and make jokes. And the great irony is that person might feel not connected at all.

Yeah, that's exactly right. Yeah.

They might be super extroverted. So it just comes naturally to them. But it's a performance. And if you ask them afterwards, they might say, I feel empty inside. Or they're like, drinking or doing drugs that night to try to fill the void inside.

Or the party's over and they're like, now what they don't really have. That was their moment and now it's gone.

But there isn't that maybe lasting sense of connection.

Right.

Yeah. So I really think that what can be helpful is when we were doing the comparison, look at what is the underlying rule here of how I'm supposed to be in order to be worthy or lovable? And what is it that I'm. What is it that I want right now? What is it that I'm aching for? What do I really need? And if you take the comparisons, they're so. Most of them are so they're not what we really need. Like, I want more money. I need to have as much money as that. I need. No, even more intangible. I need to have as much, like, status and success as that person. It goes beyond money, Right?

It goes beyond money. Yeah.

It's like they're. They're following and they're. How. Well, they're. Whatever they put out there is received. Yeah. How easily things come to them.

Right, right.

It's like, I need all of that. It's like, okay, but what do I really need? What is it I'm really wanting? And if we inquire into that. It's probably not just more of those things because tons of research on this, like every single one of those things, the more people get of that, that does not lead to more fulfillment, more happiness, more money, does not be on a certain base level.

Right.

So what is it that they really need? Well, in the case of, like the looking at someone's success and stuff, maybe it's they see, you know, you want more of a sense of meaning or purpose or you want a sense of more of your efforts going well or being well received or being accepted for what you put out there. I mean, I don't know. I'm just brainstorming ideas, but I know it goes way deeper.

Yeah. What about the people who are like, man, there's just a sense of like, calm, like pizzazz. There's a personality there. And to like, if I'm comparing myself, like, they see this individual who seems just really well grounded and like, confident and within themselves, even if they don't, you know. Cause like. Yeah, but like there's.

But they could be. Yes, but they could be.

Yeah. I mean, just look at us. But top of the mountain. But if they, like a person aspires to be like that, I think for me, I think that's okay. I aspire to be articulate. What do I need to do to have that sense of strength with that skill set?

Well, that question reveals a growth mindset.

Yeah.

What do I need to do in order to be more like that? And I think that a lot of the reasons that the comparisons cause pain is because it's like, oh, they're better than me in the way that I should be in order to get love and whatever else I want. And I could never do that. It's a fixed mindset. Like, well, this is my personality. And a lot of people have a fixed mindset around personality and how we are on a daily basis in the world, how well we can talk to people, our general emotional state. This is just how I'm a depressed person, I'm an anxious person. He's a happy person, she's an outgoing person. And we fix people into those things. But all of that stuff is so much more fluid than we realize. And so your question of, well, how do I do that? Or what are they doing to do that? And so if you look at someone who seems really solid or grounded and there's like this calmness to them, but not slow or lethargic, but they're there. And they could be dynamic, but they're not as seemingly shaken or nerve wracked as you. There is a series of things that they have done and probably consistently do. And nowhere has this become more apparent than people who. There's tons of stories at this point of people who become regular meditators and their story always follows this formula. I was a mess in a basket case and blah, blah, blah. And then I meditated every day for whatever three years or five years or something. And then you see them, they're just way more there. And the same thing with someone who's like, I was, you know, overweight and out of shape and blah, blah, blah. And then I started eating healthy and working out every day. And look at me now.

Yeah.

And so we see these things in others, but somehow we return to this fixed mindset in ourselves. And I actually did an episode about this not too long ago. I think it's. That is really just about fear, doing whatever the practice, whatever the uncomfortable stuff is. Because if you feel like I'm a shy person, I'm an anxious person, in order to be the one who could be more outgoing at a party, you have to like work through that story and practice.

Right.

And that's. Well, that's scary.

Yeah.

I'll just stay fixed. And with my inferiority blanket on, it's easier to judge. Yeah, yeah. Judge them. Judge myself. But you know, easy doesn't mean. Easy does not lead to extraordinary.

Right. Or happy.

Or happy or fulfilled. But I think, and this ties back to what we were talking about earlier is like, oh, as you work on it with a growth mindset over a period of time, maybe it's faster than a year, even several months, but maybe a year. You. Because you see, oh, I'm moving forward on the trajectory towards what I want. And maybe my thing will be exactly what they got, but maybe not. But that's cool because I'm doing my thing and you're in motion. And I think when we're in motion, we feel good. And so in a way those comparisons might actually be not all like bad misfirings of your nervous system in your mind. They might actually be these like cattle prods.

Yeah.

That are trying to say, hey, get out of the fixed mindset and go do some stuff.

Right. Yeah. Get out of that easy.

Yeah.

And yeah. Push yourself and get uncomfortable. Yeah. Get to the top of that mountain.

That's right. And then look down upon others.

Yeah. And then compare. But I'm beneath them.

Awesome. Well, let's discover how we can put this into practice. Time for action. Action, action.

Time for action.

So Your action step. Action step for today. Do you got one? I can come up with one, but see if you have one burn inside you. Get that look in your eye.

No, that's just how I look.

Determination.

Yeah. I just have pure. That's how I do it. Well, I think, you know, bringing back the. I like the noticing part. I think what really shifted for me was noticing when I'm comparing.

Yeah.

I think if you've done it in a previous podcast, people don't listen that long ago. They don't listen back in 2015, and.

They certainly don't do all the action. Except for this one.

This one. You got to do it.

Everyone listening is doing this one.

Obviously. Yeah, there's that. I think having, you know, gauging. Just notice when you are making those comparisons.

Yeah.

And not just like, oh, I'm comparing myself, but like, what? Yeah, what is it?

What? And then if you, you know, just this episode will start to deepen your reflection on that. What is it that I think I need? What's lacking and do I think that what's lacking is fixed or can I change that? And the cool thing, this is the ray of hope in all this is that it's not like, oh, man, that means I have to have a growth mindset and work on every single thing in my life. It's. What I found is as you've grown in some basic core ways, then there's this stable foundation of self esteem. So it's like, oh, yeah, I can have good relationships with people. I can talk to others. I can pursue a vocation that's of interest to me. I can take care of my health. Those are some big ones for me. So I have those. Then when I see someone who's like a master guitarist or something, I mean, they used to trigger a ton of inferiority because it was like, well, I play the guitar and I'm not that good and so I suck.

Yeah.

Or I need to practice like crazy. So there was a growth mindset, but it was like this obsessive. I'm gonna get my self worth from that. But then when I got more of a stable foundation of self esteem and really liking who I am and trusting.

Yourself that you can get things done.

Yeah. Then it was like, okay, cool. There's so many things in this world, I'm not gonna do them all. Great.

Yeah.

And that's okay. That could be that person's thing. And so the bright side of this is that with this growth, even for a relatively short period of time, when you've done it. It can stabilize your self esteem. So a lot of the comparisons just fade away and then it's so much more relieving. And it might happen now and then I think that happens for us both. We talk about it here and there. It's like, yeah, it comes up, it's part of being human, but it doesn't like dominate your consciousness.

Right? Yeah. And it doesn't make me like feel that I'm bad or wrong for having these feelings. And it opens up my ability to be like I want to learn some like it just like the floodgates are open with knowledge and things that I'm actually interested in and I don't have to be conforming to like the rat race of chasing, getting materials. Like I want to learn this because I trust myself that I'm gonna learn. I'm get shit done.

Yeah. So it's more life on your terms.

Yeah. Yeah.

Beautiful. Awesome. Well, thanks for being with me today, Jonathan. Always a pleasure sharing with us. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.

Sam.