The Hidden Dangers of People Pleasing

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. The show to help you break free from social anxiety, people pleasing and self doubt so you can speak up, connect and be 100% you. I'm Dr. Aziz, sharing tools that have transformed my life and thousands of others. Let's all liberate ourselves together. Welcome today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about the dangers of, of niceness, of people pleasing and how it can. It can get you into trouble in all kinds of ways, both both big and small, very overt, noticeable, clearly problematic, and much more subtle that might not seem like that big of a deal, but then over time compounds to really negatively impact your life. And this is an important reminder. This episode and just my whole message out there that I put through my various books as well, that something better is possible and that the. I call this in the book less Nice, more you that I wrote a couple years ago called the Gentle Current, where if you're not aware there might be a gentle current in you to drift towards more and more accommodation. People pleasing what other people want, doing something, saying something, not saying something, pretending something, hiding something, behaving in all these different ways to not upset the person, to take away the person's upset if they are upset, to make them happy, to make them change their state from sad to feeling better, whatever it might be, to try to control how they feel. And this is a. Well, it's a tried and true game of the nice person. It is a dangerous game. Even though it doesn't seem that way. It certainly is. Well, how, why? That's what we're going to talk about in this episode with some very specific and somewhat humorous examples from my own life too, that will hopefully, hopefully help you see yourself more clearly so you can make better choices. First things first, we have to see what does people pleasing mean? Isn't it being good to be accommodating, to try to help other people, to not want other people to be upset? Doesn't that make me a good person? And the answer is no. No it doesn't, because that's different. It might overlap with trying to be a good person, but it might be very different. So what does that even mean, though, to be a good person? Sometimes people get confused with morality or their own sense of ethics and pleasing others. And I think it's good to have a sense of morals. In fact, that's one of the criticisms that sometimes people will have of me or my books that I kind of just like, okay, we're gonna have this conversation Here we go. Yeah, actually, usually not a conversation. It's just them saying something negative about me online. I don't actually get to talk to them about it because if I did, I would totally convince them. But, you know, like, oh, you just want people to be, you know, assholes. And you're, you're what's wrong with the world. You're just advocating people are super selfish. And, and actually the. I believe that as I become less nice, I can operate in ways that are more, even more moral and ethical by my own code, my own standards. Doing the right thing, it feels very important to me. And that's defined in a variety of different ways. Could be your own, could be from religion, could be from your culture or society. But that can involve saying, no. Doing the right thing doesn't mean no one ever gets upset, right? And they're very different things. In fact, you might upset other people and do the right thing. Imagine that, right? Here's a little simple example. You know, my kids want to play on their iPad, their video games all the time. And my wife and I have some pretty strict guidelines around that. Pretty, pretty solid limits. You know, an hour a day on Saturday and Sunday, and they get 30 minutes on Thursday and Friday afternoons. If they've done certain things and before they get to play on the weekend, they have to do other things, right? We have chores and things for them to do, and that's the standard. And then there's an hour and there's a cutoff time. And you know, once in a while we'll say, okay, you can have extra 10 minutes or something like that. But sometimes my younger son will be upset. He's like, you're mean, daddy. You're mean. You know, you don't let me play. So I could be like, oh, I'm gonna be a good dad. I'm gonna be likable. I'm gonna let him play as much as he wants. Now, I'm using this example because you hear that even if you're not a parent and you're like, they don't know if that's a good idea. Even if you're not in the situation, like, you know, I could see some problems with that. So that extends way beyond just this little simple example. I mean, you could take this to relationships, to career, to finances, to whether you give people money or not, someone is asking you, can you loan me some this? Can you give me some that? I can't tell you how many clients I've talked to who've gotten into messed up situations with family members or, you know, co workers or other friends where because they're like, well, I want to do the good thing, I want to do the right thing. That means making sure the person gets what they want. Gets them. Well, they gave them a lot of money, I'm never going to get back. Now we have all this weird energy between us or worse. Right. So that is very different than what's doing the right thing. And we need to be. In order to be able to discern what's right or wrong, what feels like, what's your own code of ethics or morals, you have to be able to say no. You have to not please everybody. Otherwise it's an illusion, it's a trick you play on yourself. You're like, yeah, no, I'm doing the right thing, I'm doing the right thing. What's the right thing? Whatever everyone else wants. Yep. So what your code of ethics is please everybody just give them everything that they want. Uh huh. Yep, yep. So if your son wants unlimited video games and candy and sugar, you're just gonna give to him. Yep, yep, yep. Now when you say it out loud like that, you can see how absurd it is. But this is the way that most people, most nice people are living. And I lived that way for many years too. And it actually is an, it's a form of immaturity. You're not taking total responsibility for your life and for stepping into the, the powerful being the man, the woman that you're meant to be. You're being a child, you're being a boy or a girl. Still, no offense, not like you're probably living your life and doing very adulty things right now. But on this level, when we're looking to others, we're not taking ownership of. I'm going to just determine in the situation what feels right and make my best choices, which are going to be flawed because I'm human and sometimes I'll choose better or worse. I'm just going to defer and say, well, what other people want is the way to go. And that's what's going to navigate my life. And that is the massive danger. That's why I said people pleasing is a dangerous game. Because then you might end up in situations you don't want to be in. You might stay in relationships that are not healthy for you. But I don't want to hurt the other person's feelings. I don't want to break up with them. Oh my God, they'd be so sad or worse. And yes, I've heard This story. You cannot believe how many times I'm reluctant to break up. Not because just that they'll be sad, but because their friends or their family will think negatively of me. And then they stay in relationships. And look, the fascinating thing about this is it's not that they're not even aware if they want to break up or not. They just can't even entertain truth. They can't even look at what they honestly feel. Right? Because that's what you have to do to be able to navigate and see, is this relationship right for me? What do I really feel? What do I really like and not like? What's working for me, what's not? Where can I grow so that maybe I can make it better? Where do I need to speak up? Where do I need to have conflict and disagreement to make things right or better between us? Can't even entertain any of that. And so we just play the nice role. I'll give them what they want. Now I'm going to build up resentment inside, and I'm going to stay because I'm afraid of what their friends will think of me. Oof. Oof. Do you feel that one? Is that a little barfy inside? Am I hidden close to home here? Right. Well, if you're a nice person. We've all done it. We've all done it now. Maybe not in a romantic relationship, but maybe elsewhere. And so here's a fun little story. This just happened to me yesterday, which was the. Maybe the impetus for this episode. But in that book, Less Nice, More youe, that's the second pitch of that book. You should check it out. It's pretty good. Anyway, there's a little section in there where I talk about this rep that I dealt with at some, you know, distributor of John Deere equipment because I moved out to the country and needed some tools and machines and things. And so I wanted this basic little machine I could wrap around our. Our compound on. And so I was looking at various things. I ended up getting a quad, which is the greatest thing ever. Oh, my God, it's so versatile. But before that, I was entertaining. I don't know, they call them utility vehicles. Just imagine like a golf cart, but small, compact, and only two seats. And then you have like a. Almost like a little mini pickup truck bed. I'm sure you've seen them around, you know, maintenance dudes and whatnot drive them. And so I thought I was going to get one of those. I went and talked to a guy at a John Deere. They're like a Distributor of those. Those. That type of equipment. And his name is Doug. And Doug had this really interesting attitude. And I didn't pick up in it in the moment, but next thing I knew, I was just going there to get information. The next thing I knew, I was like committing to get this machine and they had to order it, so I couldn't test drive it before they got it. And I wasn't even totally sure what needed. I asked some questions and he answered them. And the next thing I know, I'm like signing up for them to deliver this machine and to that place. And then it comes in in a couple weeks and I test drive it and I'm all like. And then I end up saying yes to having this thing that I don't think I even wanted. And then I get it to my house and I drive it around for a little bit. I'm like, this is not right at all. And so, you know, at that point I realized, wait a minute, wait a minute. That was niceness. Because Doug had this really this very distinct attitude that felt like he was always irritated, ill, impatient, a little. Like, what? You have another question? Well, I'll answer it. Fine. Like, that kind of attitude, which is very interesting for a sales representative, right? But there was a part of me that didn't want to keep asking questions and didn't want to upset him. Oh, yeah, huh. So anyway, got the thing, but then John Deere has a 30 day. You got to be satisfied or we'll take it back. And so I messed and I called. I. I realized what was happening. I was like, f this, I'm not going to be nice to get this thing. Doesn't even work for me in my land. It's expensive. And forget that. So I got clear, called up, said, hey, it's not right for me, sent an email officially naming it the John Deere Promise, blah, blah, blah. And he's like, all right, well, you know, we can have someone tow it out, I guess, you know, he was kind of clearly pissed. But I did it, and I was done with it. And then I got the quad, and it was the greatest thing ever. Now, three years later, just yesterday, I had another conversation with, you guessed it, Doug. Now. So I didn't even anticipate I was gonna be talking to this dude. I didn't even really think about it. I just kind of forgot the whole. Forgot about the whole thing. And we got this. When I first moved out here, I got a riding mower because we had this huge field to mow. And I basically Use all gas tools at this point, after having lived here for three years. A gas chainsaw 10 times better than my electric thing that I had anyway. But I first got this riding mower. It's electric and it kind of keeps breaking and no one knows how to fix this thing. It's like weird high tech stuff. And I really wish I just got a gas riding mower, so I considered getting one. But I already have this other mower that I'm trying to fix and I want to spend more money on this stuff. But anyway, I'm just going to call to get some information. I was doing some research online. Looks like a John Deere one might be kind of equivalent of what I have. So I call up, call the same place because there's only one John Deere distributor, you know, within, you know, 50 miles of me or something. And I start talking to a guy and his tone is impatient and upset. And I still didn't put together, this is three years, right? So I'm condensing this story into five minutes. And you're like, for you it's obvious, but for me it wasn't. I wasn't even thinking about that. I was thinking about mower. Should I get this one or that one? And you know, and he's like, well, why would you want to get that one that's going to break on you? Really? Oh, yeah, yeah, you should get this other one. And it was like, way more money. And I was like, wait a minute, wait, hold on a second. I started asking questions. What do you mean break? And while you chew through your belts, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, okay, and the warranty is only two years, not four. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, well. And guess what? Within five minutes I'm like, yeah, okay, all right, all right, yeah, well, put me down for. Damn it, put me down for the, the bigger one. It wasn't the biggest one you recommend. It was a different one. And he's like, okay, well, put that word together and we'll, we'll, you know, email it to you in about 30 minutes. I was like, okay. And so I hang up the phone, I was like, wait a. Wait a minute, wait a minute. What just happened? And then I had a thought. I was like, oh, that was. Is this the same place that I did? I just did the same kind of thing that I did with that machine. And I kind of remembered that. And I was like, was that the same guy? And then I was like, wait a minute, hold on a second. I'M not gonna commit to anything here. Maybe I'm still gonna fix my other mower. I don't know. So that was not my intention at all when I initially called. So I kind of reclaimed myself, remembered instantly. I was like, wait a minute. Okay, this isn't about being nice. This is about just taking care of myself and our land and my family, and we're gonna do what's right here. So I said, okay, I'm not gonna get the mower. I instantly knew that as soon as I got the phone. So I called back right away just to clear things up and cancel them from even sending me the order. And I got back on the. They're like parts or service or sales. I was like, sales? And, like, which person were you talking to? You know, Rick or Doug? I was like, oh. And I didn't get the guy's name, but I was like, I'm pretty sure I was talking to Doug. And so they, you know, put me on hold, and I get in touch with Doug, and he's like, yeah. I was like, hey, we were just talking about the things. Yeah. I was like, yeah, listen, that's not right for me. And the same tone, like, well, fine. Yeah, we can just cancel out. That's fine. And then I got off the phone with him, walked away, skipped away, Right? So it almost got me again with all this, all that I know and I teach people and I help with. Right? So it's the gentle current, man. It'll pull you. And these are. Might seem like trivial examples, but I literally could have another machine that I don't need right now or be influenced to do something. And these are relatively small things in life, right? But what if someone gets pressured into buying a car that they don't want or moving somewhere or someone can't, you know, they try to negotiate for themselves in their workplace and whatever, that's compensation or time or ways that they work. And they don't want to upset the boss or the colleagues or someone or all my colleagues. It's not fair. If I get this and that person doesn't get that. And I don't want to make sure that, oh, I don't want people to be upset with me. And you don't ask for what you need. You end up commuting more and not being able to be with your family because you didn't want to upset someone who's not even your superior, but just they could be resentful of you. These are not hypothetical. Every single one of those things is a piece of A story that I've heard from clients and maybe something that I'm directly helping them with to overcome so they can be more direct and authentic and expressive. And the first step to doing that, to becoming a more powerful, bold version of you, is to see this doesn't work. It's never worked. It's never given you the peace that you want, the freedom that you want, the healthy relationships that you want, want. And ultimately, it doesn't allow you to be who you're really meant to be, because you're not here to be a good boy or a good girl. That's the stage of life between, you know, age 2 and 12 or something. And hopefully, unless you're like 6 years old listening to this, you're well beyond that now. It's time for something else. It's time for you to step into the person that you're meant to be, who's meant to have an impact and do something in the world and contribute something and experience something and enjoy something and create magic moments and true love and connection and intimacy and authenticity not to eke through not upsetting anybody. And the sooner that you really get that, then a lot of the stuff that I share in these episodes or in my books or through my deeper training programs, like my Mastermind, when you really get that, then it's like, okay, I'm ready to roll up my sleeves and start doing this, because I get that this way of being not working and never will work. So let's talk about putting that into action. Time for action. Action, action. Your action step is to do a little internal inventory. Let's. Let's tally up some of the costs. So just take a few minutes. You can do it passively as you drive somewhere, as you go for a little walk, and just think about, what have I done out of people pleasing that sucked? What have I done that's not been great for me? Not ended well. Put me in a situation that was suboptimal or worse, ranging from mildly uncomfortable to maybe physically dangerous, emotionally harmful, abusive because of not wanting to upset somebody or wanting to take away someone's upset and think about through your life. It could be last week, a mild thing like I'm talking about with this rep at the John Deere distributor, a bigger thing like a relationship, the way you are with certain family members committing to things over committing to things. Just pick a few instances from any time in your life and then really look at the impact. What is the impact of this? What is this doing to me? And really see it. Because the more clearly you see the high cost of people pleasing the more you experience a natural aversion, revulsion even to doing that and it awakens something in you. It awakens a powerful defiant part of you that says no, no no no I'm here for more than this, so much more than this. And then, well then you have some powerful fuel to make some amazing changes in your life that will really set you on a whole different path. The path that you really meant to be on. So thanks for being with me today until we speak again may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free vlogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence go to social confidencecenter.com.