The Hidden Fear of Being Yourself

What if the real reason that you hold back and soften what you want to say, or try to overthink it so you come across the right way, isn't actually because of a lack of confidence? But what if it's actually deep down, somewhere in there, there's a belief that If you're just you, as you are, who you are, you won't be liked. And I don't mean just misunderstood or they don't agree with me. I mean like fundamentally rejected. Today we're gonna be diving into this and talking about the hidden fear that quietly shapes how so many people live their lives. And how that fear of being fully yourself around others actually ends up costing us the belonging that we really want. So welcome to today's episode of the show. I'm excited to be with you because this is something that became absolutely clear. I mean, I've seen this for, for years in my own life working with clients, but it was just again and again, I saw it all weekend long. I was teaching a 3-day virtual workshop called Not Nice Live. And one of the key recurring patterns that became clear was, okay, I'm doing this thing, being nice, being people pleasing. Maybe sometimes people go into what I call performance mode, where we hyperdrive and think through, okay, I gotta say this text, and how am I gonna say this? I gotta say it just right. No, okay, how am I looking right now? Am I looking good? Am I doing this right? All of that is actually coming from a deeper fear. It's like a reaction to a fear. It's our strategy to try to deal with this underlying fear. And the fear is what I said at the beginning of this episode, right? It's like, ah, me. And so this is the core shift that we have to make to really set ourselves free. Is to see that, oh, all these stories I have about myself— I'm not attractive enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm something— they're not rich enough, I'm not this kind of person, I should be that kind of person— like, all of that is actually stemming out of this fear. And what I'm going to illuminate in this episode is how what we do to try to protect from that fear, solve for that you know, quote, problem of me being me, which is not very good, I guess, that all that we do to try to solve that problem actually backfires and prevents us from getting what we really want. So what do we really want? Well, we probably have a lot of different goals in life, but ultimately one of the core desires that all people have is to connect with other people, to feel a sense of belonging. And so that means we might want friends and close friendships. We might want— you might want a partner or have a romantic love. You might want to ultimately create a family or be connected with your family, right? You have other goals in life, but very few people are like, I just want a pile of money and zero humans that know and love me. Maybe some people have that goal, but most of us are like, yeah, I want some people in there too. It's kind of lonely on my pile of money. And so we want love and connection. We want that belonging. But— wah, wah, wah. Afraid not. You know, the metaphor I use for this is the old 3 of clubs, right? It's like you got a delta poker hand, or maybe it's a 2-7 in Texas Hold'em. Where you get, you know, everyone's looking at their hand, and if you don't play Texas Hold'em, 2-7 is basically— 2-7 offsuit is the worst hand you can get. But, you know, if you played any sort of poker, just imagine a bad poker hand, like a 2, a 3, a 6. It's not— it's not a straight, it's not a flush, can't do much with it, there's no pairs. Got a bad hand. And that's what a lot of us feel like. I got Delta's bad hand. And so what do I do? And you might have reasons why you think it's a bad hand, like, oh look, I'm not tall enough, and oh look, I don't look like this, and oh look, you know, my parents told me this when I was young and they're right, I suck. So you might have reasons you can point to. You might not even have reasons. It might just be a vague feeling and this, this raw fear that somehow I'm not enough and I don't belong, I don't fit in. But somewhere along the way, we pick this up. There's some deeper origins of that that I could explain perhaps in future episodes. But regardless, here, here it is. I got it now. And then a lot of our lives becomes about adapting and figuring out how to work with this crappy hand that I got dealt. And the essence of it is because I got this losing poker hand, I can't belong. I don't. I won't belong. People won't really like me for me. And again, just like observe in your own life, this is not something that people walk around consciously saying, but you feel it, which is why you feel nervous before a conversation, before a date, before speaking up, before sharing, before revealing yourself, before being authentic. Before disagreeing with somebody, before saying no. Because if I am just me and say what I really think and feel and what I really want or don't want, I'm just transparent. I'm just honest. I'm not hiding. I'm not pretending. I'm not performing. I'm not perfecting. I'm just me. You're going to say, oh, well, that all you got? And that's what's there? I don't want anything to do with that. And so we have a strategy, a scheme that we cook up, and the scheme is like, well, this ain't going to work. And what we're pointing to is ourselves. This thing ain't going to cut it. So what do we do? I guess we improve this thing. And then so people try to improve themselves. Typically, you know, okay, I'm going to look better, I'm going to earn more, I'm going to improve. You know, that's kind of maybe a common self-development motivator, personal development. I'm going to learn winning strategies, body language of confidence, and how to stand right, how to talk right, how to look right, performance tips, speaking tips. And I'm going to really polish my persona. And look, there's nothing wrong with— you want to become a better speaker or stand taller or whatever. I mean, posture is great. It's good for you. But if it's coming from this place of this inner deficit and I have to compensate to make up for this fatal flaw, then we're doomed. And I know because I lived that for many, many, many years. Really, really believed like this guy, this guy Aziz is a loser. And I'll give you some reasons, and then other ones are just kind of vague, but I feel it. I can, I can sense it, feel it in my bones. And so we come up with this, this persona, and we either strive and strive and strive, and maybe we feel at first like we're getting there, but then eventually we're like, I don't think I'm— I can't do it. I'm not perfected enough yet. And then we just try our best to pretend, to hide, to accommodate, to make it look like we are. And then we really ultimately just settle into a chronic mask showing the world who we're supposed to be. And underneath, we're terrified of letting ourselves be seen and known. And so we, instead of optimizing for being seen and known, for being honest, for truth. We optimize for being liked, for being approved of, for avoiding disapproval. And then we do that hustle. And then one of two things happens, and they're both bad, by the way, unfortunately. It works or it doesn't. And so if it works, you might say, wait, isn't that great? I got love. I got I got the— my performance tips worked and everyone thinks I'm great at work. Okay, well, what I found happens, and tell me if this is true in your experience, is that person who performed well at work happens to be riddled with imposter syndrome and is very anxious underneath. They're gonna get found out. Person that got the date feels very anxious about getting the second date. And they overthink their texts and they try to make sure, oh my God, I'm really into this person. Now it's especially awful. What could happen now? I could lose it all. They could find out who I am. That's what led me to have a repetitive pattern of when I overcame my initial social anxiety and learned how to approach women and date, I would do that and then I would retreat. I would freak out if we actually got past the first, I don't know, month or something being together. And we were going to spend more time together and I was going to be more of just me. This guy, I ran out of material. You're just going to— here I am. I'm just going to show up like this, I guess. And I didn't even know at the time what this was that was so bad. It was just this vague background pressure and sense that whatever it is, it ain't going to cut it. And so either it works, but then we're anxious and it feels very brittle, or it doesn't work. And then we conclude, you know, it's not working. I don't have the love connection success that I want. Because of this fatal flaw, because of this 3 of clubs hand I got in poker. You see? You see? Evidence. Proof. Proof. Proof. It's over. Doom. And when I work with someone in this state, I say, you know, maybe, maybe you're right. Maybe you're doomed. How old are you, by the way? And then they'll be like a little confused by that question because it's kind of out of left field. And they'll say, I don't know, I'm 40. Like, okay, all right, that's good. And how old do you think you're gonna live to? And that's always an interesting question because I don't know how we come up with that answer. We're like, well, how old did my parents live to? Or what's the average age of the male or female human in the population? Okay, and then if you want a little bit of extra bump, you just add a few years to it. You're like, the average man lives to 74. I'm really healthy, so probably like, I don't know, 80. 85. Just give myself a little bit of extra years there, maybe. But whatever, they tell me something. And it's usually a ways out. No one says, I got, I got 3 years left, man. Say, oh, I don't know. Well, just give me a number. What do you think? I don't know, 70 or 80. Okay. All right. All right. So you're 40. And so if we just throw in the towel now, and you just got another 30 or 40 years of just doing what you're doing. How? How's that feel? And they're like, ugh. I'm like, yeah, it feels pretty depressing to me too. What are you going to do? Ride it out? That's a long, slow slope, man. Because what I'm highlighting here is that there's a part inside of your head that says, this is how it is. This is who I am. No one could actually love me for who I am. That's not how the world works. That's not how men are. That's not how women are. You can't make it in the world if you act like or are like me. And so I got to do this thing. And in essence, you've given up potentially for the rest of your life on being you. Whoa. Let's let that sink in for a minute, because that is depressing. And you know what? It's actually extremely common. That's why Bronnie Ware, the hospice nurse, in her book The Five Regrets of the Dying listed it as the number one regret of the dying. I wished I'd lived a life true to myself, the life I wanted, not the life that other people wanted of me. Basically, they were being who they were supposed to be, being somebody else for other people. And so a lot of people lock into that, not, you know, it's not like they do it at the very end of their life, they kind of locked into that at age, well, maybe the whole time. It's the default path. If we don't challenge something, if we don't fundamentally defy repeatedly that voice in your head that says, "This is just how it is. No one could like you. No one could like you." And so the way out is risk. Ultimately, the risk to be real, the risk to be yourself. And that's what I'm doing when I work with people. That's the containers I create, the mastermind and coaching with people, is being in these environments where we receive that support and guidance and practice on how to do it and do it again and again and again. And people will take a risk and then they'll come back and say like, it went great, they liked me. And then they'll come back another week like, I took a risk, it was awful, they didn't like me. Or everything in between. I took a risk and the person liked me and now I'm anxious about keeping it going or whatever it is. So it's not about one singular event. I think that's what a lot of people hear this like, oh, I got to risk to be me. Okay, fine. I'm good. Oh, fine, fine. I'll do it. I'll try it. But then we got all these eggs riding on one basket, one moment. It's like Eminem, right? You got one chance, one moment. Don't miss your shot. And then I go talk to this person. They're like, I don't want to talk to you. Oh, went down in flames. That was my shot. It's over. You see? See? Unlovable. But here's the thing. All the stuff that we do to try to make ourselves more lovable, right? The performance, the polishing ourselves, the the persona, the being who you want me to be, all that. The real reason why it— we're doomed is not because we're not lovable. We're doomed when we buy into that story and then we live as this persona and how we're supposed to be. Because even if people like you, you won't actually feel the true love and belonging, because the real belonging that you want to experience will only come when you take the risk to be seen and known as you are, for who you are. And as you do it, that voice in your head is going to say, don't do it, don't do it, it's over, you're going to ruin it, how could they love you, it's awful. And the only way to build real confidence— I'm not talking about false confidence where you feel good because you lived up to your image for a day, or you got externally validated because someone gave you a high five or a kiss because you lived that image. But real confidence, solid self, knowing who you are, living your values, being authentic, owning who you are, enjoying who you are, living the life that you're actually meant to live, that kind of confidence, which means you do have all kinds of stuff. You have quirks and flaws and weird conflicting parts of you and scared parts and greedy parts and anxious stuff going on and weird habits and some old patterns you're trying to change, and you're just like this imperfect, evolving human creature, just like every one of us, and you have the courage to bring that forward. That, that's how we actually experience real belonging. And so that's my invitation for you as your action step, is to take that risk. And it doesn't have to be some crazy leap. I'm going to unveil everything. No, just in this moment, you unveil a little bit more about a preference you have, what you want or what you don't want. Or you say something a little more clearly and not so overly softened and hedged so that no one could ever be upset with you. Or you say no and have a boundary and let the other person have some feelings. Whatever it is, you just take that risk to be a little bit more real in this moment, whatever that is happening in this moment, and you do it and you say it and you share it and you're who you are. And then you work with that part inside that's like, oh, that's it, we're all going to die. And you get to the other side and realize, oh, I did not die. And then we do it again. Beautiful. Thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.