The Myth of The Lone Wolf

Are you a lone wolf? Someone who likes to kind of do it on your own, figure it out yourself? You know, if something doesn't go your way and you get hurt or upset or a setback or something, then you kind of. You go off and you tend to it on your own. Don't share it with anybody. Go back to your cave and lick your wounds, then come out stronger and harder than ever before. Is that your experience? So this is what I call the myth of the lone wolf, or lone wolf syndrome. And it's something I see again and again and again, because at this point, there are many, many people that reach out to find out how to grow their confidence. They email me, they send messages. People reaching out to say, hey, how do I make these shifts that you've made? And you help other people make? And some part of them wants to make the shift, and another part of them is kind of like stuck or upset on the fact that they just, I couldn't do it on my own, and I should be able to do it on my own. So then they're partly reaching out, saying, can you help me? But I should be able to do it on my own. And I wanted to make a video about this because it's such an obstacle to our growth. And I really want to be transparent about my own experience and my own journey. Less people think that that's what I did to get to where I am. And you think that you're supposed to. To do that. So basically, lone wolf syndrome is the idea that whatever it is, whatever you're struggling with, that you should just be able to handle it on your own. And this is indoctrinated from a lot of our families. It's even more for men than for women, although there's a lot of women that experience this as well, but definitely for men. And it's like a. Well, you got an emotional problem, just handle it on your own. Even a physical problem, just suck it up. Come on, deal with it. And that's sort of a mentality that we bring. Maybe we got that when we were young. Maybe our families weren't that empathic. Or maybe your dad was like, hey, just come on, suck it up. Or you saw the modeling. They tried to just do it all on their own. They seemed really tight, sort of stiff upper lip tight, kept it all inside. And you're like, well, I guess that's what you do in life. Never mind. Look at the results that they're getting. But that's what you're supposed to do, I guess so Then we carry it forward and we bring the same demand onto ourselves. And you know what it is? I'm gonna just call it for what it is. It's pride and it's unhealthy and it's unhelpful. It's this illusion that I'm an island. This illusion, this sort of grandiose, like I am the one who can solve this on my own. Never mind that you are an extremely interdependent being like me, like all of us. You came out of a woman and then you were fed, you were nourished, like you were totally dependent. And then even now, as this grown up who feels so solid and secure, we are utterly dependent. And you're like, no, no, no, I'm not. I'm wealthy. I got my own property, I got my own cars. And it's like, yeah, what do the cars run on? Gas or electricity? Where's that coming from? That's coming from a grid, that's coming from a whole pipeline, that's coming from a whole system that you did nothing to create, that you just reaped the benefits of. Where do you get your food? At the supermarket, right? You go there and there's just a wall full of vegetables and a wall full of meats and just like, oh my God, I can get whatever I want. All there for you. You flush the toilet. Where do your royal droppings go? I don't know, down a tube, into the ether or whatever someone else is handling. Like, where does the water come from? I could go on and on and on. And where do you work? Who pays you? Right? You're receiving money. We're constantly in this dance of giving and receiving and we're just constantly receiving all day long. Your next breath, you're receiving oxygen that you did nothing to earn or make happen. It's just, it's right there again and again and again. We're receiving your hearts beating. So we are not these totally independent, self sufficient beings. And you know, if you want to direct that sort of will, which I think is powerful, that will like, I'm going to do something about this. I am 100% on board with that. But then it's like, I'm going to do something about this and what's gonna get me there and then being honest about what's gonna get you there. And for me, what I found long ago was that other people are gonna get me there. Now. Books are a great start. I highly recommend books. I read tons of books to this day. I'm constantly reading and I Write books and everything like that. So that's a great way to find a person or people, mentors to learn from. However, whenever I wanna make a big shift in my life, whenever I wanna learn about something, I'll read a book. When I want to transform something, I'll work with somebody. And that's what I've been doing for the last, I mean, ever since the beginning of my transformation. So the last 16 years, that's what started. That's what that was, the tipping point. And so whether it's group work or joining communities or doing ceremonies or working with a therapist or working with coaches, I'm constantly saying, okay, what's the thing that I want to work on right now? And if anything, the letting go of that pride allows me to do that so much sooner. So instead of like, okay, I gotta wait till stuff gets really, really bad, like, you know, people, and there's people coming to my world, like they've waited until they've dealt with us for 15 years, or their relationship has just imploded because they had too much fear and never brought up conversations they needed to have. And now it's like 13 years into it and the whole thing just exploded. And then they're like, all right, all right, I gotta do something about this, right? And I could go on and on about what the threshold moment is for people, but I say, wait a minute, if you let go of this lone wolf thing, which is like, I'm just gonna read a book and not tell anybody and handle it on my own, because that's terrified. That is terrified of vulnerability, terrified of dependency, terrified of needing anyone else, right? We want to have this illusion that I'm an island. It's really heart armored is what it is. And so the more you can just let that go and say, you know what? I'm gonna read books and when I wanna change something, I'm going to reach out to somebody. And then you just start getting more skill or more proficiency at finding those people. So maybe you get referrals, maybe. I like to look online. I find amazing people. I found some incredible people online, sometimes by searching for them through Google and other times through a forum, a link or whatever. And I'm just so grateful for the people that I found, so grateful for the teachers, the counselors, the coaches, the mentors that have helped me grow and that I continue to work with, continue to reach out to. And so that's what I would encourage for you to do. Find people, find mentors. Let go of this myth of the lone wolf. And see what's possible for you. And if you wanted to be with me as one of your mentors, you could find out. There's many ways that I work with people. If you go to socialconfidencecenter.com and then there's a coaching in the upper right on one of the tabs, you can find out about working with me. A group, a live event, someone on my team. But there's so many other teachers out there, so many other mentors. So this isn't about like, don't lone wolf it, work with me. It's like, don't lone wolf it, work with somebody, find some community, find something, and let yourself be known in your journey. That's one of the biggest reasons why that works more than a book, is because in a book, you're invulnerable. A book you've taken no risk to reveal your struggling self to other humans. And it is in the revealing of our struggling self that the transformation begins and accelerates. So I encourage you to find someone and take that risk, that act of courage in your life. And until we speak again, we have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon.