Dr. Aziz, in a short YouTube lesson titled “The Paradox of Improvement,” argues that aggressively trying to fix perceived personal deficiencies can backfire. Instead of forcing immediate change, he recommends radical acceptance of shortcomings (being with the disappointment and self-criticism), which paradoxically creates the freedom for authentic confidence and better progress; he also directs listeners to an 10–11 minute guided meditation to practice this approach.
Hey, welcome to your weekly confidence boost. Today we're going to talk about the paradox of improvement. How trying to improve yourself and make yourself better actually is counter to the process and not only might not help you reach your goals, but can actually make it, you feel a lot worse along the way, even if you do achieve your goals and what the alternative is and how to do that. So this is relevant if you're studying my materials or you a fan of self help books or self development on Audible or elsewhere. You know, there's a lot of like, well, I'm going to fix this. I want to get to this result and I got to be this way and I got to be, you know, even people in my world, right? I want to be more assertive. I want to speak up for myself. I got to be more confident in the situation. I want to get dates here. I want to be a leader there. You want to grow. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just the way we go about it. Because here's the standard approach. There's something wrong with me. I'm deficient in some way and, and if I tinker with some things, then I'll be better and I'll get better results in life and I'll feel better. Right? I mean, that seems like a pretty reasonable plan. The challenge is how we go about making those changes and shifts because the more we effort to try to be different, you know, I don't want to be nervous before that meeting. I don't want to be nervous before that meeting. Be confident before that meeting, for example, right? Or before that date or before whatever the thing is for you, does that work? Does that make you more confident? So here is the 180 degree shift that if you can adopt this, if you could really get what I'm saying here, it will not only help you progress more easily and swiftly towards all your goals, you will feel so much better along the way. Here's what it is. You're nervous before that meeting, before that date, you didn't speak up again. You let those people walk all over you. You've realized you were too nice. Yet again, whatever. The thing is, the shortcoming, the inadequacy, the frustrating thing of you once again, did that behavior that you know, doesn't serve you with food or alcohol or porn or something, and then you're like frustrated. It is in that moment that the liberation lies. The freedom that you seek to be your most confident, bold, expressive self is not in perfection. The freedom you seek is in the moment of your failure of your shortcoming of not being who you want to be. And in that moment, what's needed is acceptance. Being with that, being with the disappointment of not being able to speak up in the meeting, the frustration of it, the upset, the hurt, the anger, the resentment, whatever comes up for you. Noting that being with yourself, befriending yourself, all the parts of yourself. Yeah, okay, didn't speak up. Frustrating. Okay, now I'm criticizing myself. Okay. And you sort of be with it. You watch, you observe, you study, you see how you're doing it. How are you turning on yourself? How are you creating all this upset and anger and frustration at yourself or maybe at others and finding your way to it's okay. I know that seems like a huge stretch at first. Like it's not okay, Aziz. Okay. I mean, this is a real problem. That's why I want to fix this. That's why I'm on your email list. Right. But do you see what I'm saying? And I really go deep into this in my book on my own side. If you haven't read that, I'd recommend making a study of that. But it's a whole paradox. It's a whole. It's counterintuitive. It's not what you think. But when you really get to that place of not pushing and needing something to be instantly different right now for you to be okay, then there's more space for the real you to emerge. So experiment with that today. And if you like, I have an audio down below for you to download and listen to. It's a meditation, about 11 minutes that guides you through a simple process, really basic, of just becoming more self aware. And I highly recommend that you listen to it once a day. It's just 10 minutes. 10, 11 minutes. Listen to it once a day. Follow along with the prompts for this week, seven days in a row and notice what the effect is. Awesome. Thanks for being with me today and until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon.
