Dr. Aziz explains the "paradox of letting go": excessive attachment to desired outcomes (e.g., approval, money, career progress) often prevents us from receiving them. He uses the metaphors of holding something in a fist and a hot coal to show how tension blocks results, then leads a short body-focused breathing exercise asking listeners to soften 10% to increase openness and resourcefulness. The video closes with encouragement to practice and report results.
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Hey, Dr. Aziz here. Have you ever noticed how if you really want something, like you almost want it too much, like you get too attached to getting it a certain way, that you end up not getting it? I mean, I've seen this again and again and again in my own life and life with people that I've worked with, the clients. And so I had to write this blog post about it because if you don't get this, if you don't understand what I'm going to teach you in this little video, then you can just be spinning your wheels again and again and trying to get something and then just not ever receiving it, not ever getting it. One of the most stark examples of this is if we want the approval of another person. Have you ever been in that situation where you want to impress someone? Maybe it's a woman that you're interested in dating, or if you're a woman watching this, there's a man that you're interested and you want his attention, you want his approval. Maybe it's a superior, a boss. Maybe it's just some cool guy in your building who you have known and you want to talk to, but you really want to make a good impression on this person. So what happens? Well, in your mind, you get fixated on, I got to make a good impression on this person, I got to make a good impression on this person. There's this kind of like anxious energy urgency to it, as if if you didn't, it would be the end of the world. You know what I'm talking about? That feeling, we can build it up in our minds. So then what happens is we go into the interaction and what? We're tight, we're constricted, we're a little nervous, and we're like kind of overthinking it. And then what happens? Well, it often doesn't work out right. We don't make a good impression. We talk too much or we don't have anything to say because we're so nervous, or we don't make a joke because we're too worried about if it's going to be inappropriate. And then they find us boring and we don't make that good impression. And that's always what happens. In my experience, if we're too attached to something, we're too fixated on it. We end up defeating ourselves. And the reason we do this is because we're so hyper focused on it better not happen. It's better not happen. I better not mess up. I better not mess up. I better not mess up. And Then what happens? We mess up, right? Because that's what all our focus is going towards. And worse still, this one's really powerful. Worse still is. Even if there is. Even if they are being impressed, even if they do like you, we're so fixated on the fear that they might not, that we can't even really see it when they do. Where I've seen this again and again, where someone gets a really positive response from a woman and then they're like, oh, I'm mess it up. She's not going to like me. Because they're still stuck on getting her approval. And then they haven't been able to relax and be like, oh, yeah, there it is. You know, when we're so fixated, we almost can't even see the thing that we want. And so we have to do. We have to be able to relax ourselves. And I have a teacher who taught me this, and it's amazing. It's like if you think about that, that thing you want is like in your fist, and you got a fist around it so tightly that you can't actually take it in. So what you have to do is you have to be able to relax your hand a little bit to actually see the thing and receive it. So how do we do that? That is the key to letting go. That's why I call it the paradox of letting go is if we're able to let go, then we're more able to receive. Now, let go doesn't mean like, oh, I don't care anymore. You know, screw that person that's not really letting go because you're just kind of in a defensive position. Letting go means physiologically in your body, that place that's really tight, taking a deep breath in and finding a way to soften it. So, in fact, right now, think of some time in your life, maybe something you're attached to right now that you want to have happen. Or if you can't do that, think of something that happened recently where you're in a situation like I described. You really want something. There's so many things we can get attached to, right? I want to make sure I have enough money. I want to make sure I'm safe. I want to make sure that people like me and that I'm approved of. The I want to make sure that I excel in my career at the rate that I want to pick one of those things and notice, do you feel a sense of tightness or contraction in your throat, in your chest, in your stomach? Now you're going to focus on that I'd like you to do is close your eyes and I'm going to ask you a few questions. So go ahead and close your eyes now and take a deep breath in through your nose and let it out through your mouth. And just breathe and focus on that tight area. For me, it's often in my throat or in my chest, bottom of my chest to my solar plexus. So breathe and just feel that area expanding a little bit. I'm going to ask you a few questions. Just think about them. What would it feel like to let go of this, even just partially, like, just for a moment. You don't really have to do it forever, but just for a moment, let go of. Of needing that person to like you or let go of needing to make sure you make all that money that you wanted or you make that career progress. Just for this moment, is it okay to just maybe with an exhale, soften and let go? Maybe just 10%? You don't have to let go entirely. Just 10%. Okay. That. That would be okay. I would survive. Would you be able to handle it if that didn't happen? Would you be okay if that didn't happen? Would you find a way to survive and to thrive even if that didn't happen? Take a deep breath in and see if you can just let go 10% more. You can even just relax your body on the exhale. Let go of that need for them to like you. What if you let go of needing to control them in any way? They could like you, they could dislike you, they could be impressed, they could be bored. Just going to show up as myself, Just letting go bit by bit with each exhale, and it might come back, you know, you might let go for a second, feel a little soft, and then. But what if they don't like me? And then I have no friends? Just letting go of that. Letting go of the thought, letting go of the fear with each exhale. Good. You can open your eyes if you have them closed. What did that feel like? Could you feel a shift in your energy, in your sense of. Is there a way to soften and let this go that's going to help me be more resourceful in the moment, be more creative, have more choices, have more options. Okay, that person's not having this reaction. What if I change my approach? What if I said this instead? I mean, everything opens up when we're able to let go. And the more constricted and tight we are, the more we're unable to get the result that we want. And I'm sure you've noticed this in your life, so start paying attention to for when you're really fixated on something and when it's not happening the way you want it to happen and how it's actually making everything worse. And then see if you can just pause, take a few breaths, ask yourself, what would it feel like to let this go? Just 10%, can I let this go right now? How would I be able to let this go if I wanted to? And one of the things that this teacher taught me was that sometimes our mind says, well, how do I let go? How do I do this? And. And she says, it's kind of like if you're holding a hot coal and it's burning you, and all of a sudden you decide you're going to let go of it. You don't have to know how you do that. You just let go of it. It just happens. And so that's this process. It's very intuitive. It's very focused on your body. So don't get too hung up on it. Just experiment with it and notice if you can see those profound results. Because the more you can let go and be more open to possibility, the more stuff comes to you in your life. And that's the paradox of letting go. So thanks for listening. I hope you can apply this in your life and notice a shift. Let me know how it goes. Send me an email, and I look forward to talking to you more in the future until we do know that you're awesome.
