The Power Of Asking For What You Want

How do you feel about asking for things? Do you boldly and directly ask for what you want and for what you need in different situations? In work, in your personal life, in dating and relationships? Do you just show up and start asking for what you need? Or do you have a lot of discomfort around that fear, around that? Do you hold yourself back? Do you not ask out of what they might think or how someone might judge you? If so, listen to this episode. You're going to learn how to step into a powerful place about boldly asking for what you want from people. Because when you can do that, not only do people respond positively, but you also get more of what you want out of life.

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon. Welcome to Shrink for the shy guy helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination. With your host, Dr. Aziz.

Welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be getting into asking the power of asking for what you want and the blocks that might be getting in the way that are stopping you from asking for what you want and how to get more of what you want out of life, out of your relationships, out of your business, out of your career. I mean, so much comes asking. So today is really gonna help you break through some obstacles, some challenges that are holding you back so you can get out there and start kicking more ass in any area that matters to you. If you'd like to jump into the conversation, go to shrinkforth facebook.com Social confidence. That's where we're doing the Facebook thing now. And go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com shrinkforthshyguy.com and you can send a message there, text or audio even. And I can listen to your audio message, ask your questions there. If you want me to answer those in an upcoming Ask the Shrink segments. And if you're enjoying the show, if you're getting a lot out of it, by all means, please go and rate it on itunes. Give it a good old five star rating. That helps us reach more people and further the mission of mass liberation. How we can all break free from the BS that's holding us back. So let's get into asking. Let's talk about how awesome asking is for a second because maybe you don't know, maybe you haven't done it a lot or you're a little wary of it. You got some blocks around it which will help you clear in a little bit. But first we gotta talk about how awesome it is. What's great about asking? Think about that for a second. Have you ever asked for something in your life and then gotten it? Isn't that awesome? I mean, just, you can walk up to someone and ask them for something and they'll give it to you. Or you can be with a friend and you can ask for something and they'll say, sure, you know, I'll pick you up at the airport. Or you can ask a woman if she wants to go on a date with you and she could say yes. You can ask for a raise and you can get that. You can ask a potential person or potential client if they want to work with you, or a customer if they want to get your product or service and they could say yes. And then you have a sale and you're serving them and you're getting paid and it's a win win. I mean, when you ask for what you want, life can give it to you. There's a great clip from Steve Jobs when he was quite a bit younger. This interview, in fact, I'll put a link below on the site for the podcast. It's shrinkforthshyguy.com it's a YouTube video. It's like two minutes and someone's asking him a bunch of questions. And there's this clip about where he talks about asking and he says, you know, when I approach people and I ask them, you'd be amazed at how almost no one says no when you ask and how doors open up to you and how the difference between the people that really get further ahead in life and the people who don't, the people that just dream and talk about it and think about it. One of the major differences is asking. And he tells this great story about how he as a little kid wanted to work on some parts, electronic or computer. I think it was electronic parts or some machine he was building. And so he calls up the CEO of Hewlett Packard, like Mr. Packard, I don't remember the guy's first name. And the guy picks up the phone and he's like, hey. He's like this 12 year old kid, he's like, hi, Mr. Packard, I'm 12 and I'm building a such and such machine. Do you have any spare parts? And the guy finds it humorous and inspiring and flattering and invites the kid over, gives him a bunch of stuff. The power of asking. There's great stories too about Tony Robbins when he was a kid. Lousy boy wonders, I wasn't doing any shit like this when I was a kid. But anyway, when he was like a 12 year old kid or 13 year old kid, he would interview these big sports figures and radio announcers just by calling them up and having his mom drive him out there. Then he'd interview them. And so the power of asking, it's amazing. And I've had some great guests on this podcast, people who are really established in their industries and big time and just I ask them, hey, here's this thing I'm doing. Do you want to help me reach a lot of people and help them and inspire them? And so the power of asking is you can start to get more of what you want. And so what I'm doing here is I'm sharing a bunch of stories. And as I'm doing that, I'm wondering if you're thinking about your own life, where is it that I could be asking maybe where have I asked in the past and it's been great, or what would I want to ask for? A great thing to think about is, well, what do I want? Because if we know what we want, then we know what to ask for. If we don't know what we want, then we have no idea what to ask for. So a deeper question is, what do I want? What do I want in my career, in my work, in my business? And then who would I ask to make that happen? Or do I want in my dating life? Who would I ask? What do I want in my relationship? Maybe you're already in a relationship, maybe you're married and still, man, that is a huge area where we need to learn how to ask for what we want. So asking is awesome. Primarily because you get what you want, you get more of what you want in life and you also take charge because so much of the time we're not getting what we want. But then we didn't ask and then we're blaming other people in the world. Oh man, they didn't give me a raise. They didn't do this, she didn't do that. And it's like, well, did you even ask or did you ask effectively too? We'll get into that too, because there's different ways to ask. So in fact, let's look at what gets in the way. Because if we can see what gets in the way and remove those blocks, then that's half the battle, right? Then it just becomes a lot easier. So let's take a quick break right now and when we get back, we're going to jump into the blocks about asking and how to remove those so you can move faster and more quickly towards what you want by asking so stay tuned. We'll be right back right after this.

If you don't think much of yourself.

How do you imagine other people will think of you? You guessed it.

If we want others to take us.

Seriously, like us, and be attracted to.

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And get your free copy of his ebook, Radical Self. Three ways to Truly Love Yourself in two weeks. Hey, welcome back. So what are the blocks to asking? What stops you? In fact, think about that. Maybe in the first segment you were thinking about who you could ask. Maybe there's a potential person you'd want to ask to work with you. If you offer a service, maybe you're a consultant and you want to work with a certain company or a certain person. Maybe you want to ask someone at work to help you with a project. Maybe you want to try to delegate something to someone. Maybe you want to ask your boss for something. Different work schedule, different payment, different salary. Maybe you want to ask a woman out. Want to ask a woman for her number. Well, whatever it is. If you think about something you want to ask for and then just notice. How do you feel if you imagine like, okay, right now, right after this, I listen to this, I'm gonna go out and I'm gonna do it. Or if it's, you know, one in the morning, then tomorrow morning I'm gonna go out there and I'm gonna do it. What happens? What do you feel? You feel nervous, uncomfortable, excited, curious, terrified, resistant, irritated, frustrated, confused, you know, happy. What do you feel? You know, I found there's a lot of blocks that come up about asking. And often what comes up around asking is attention. And usually that's some sort of fear. And what are we afraid of? What's the first thing? What do you think you're afraid of asking for something from someone. What if they say no? Right? I mean, that's the thing. We're all, oh my God, what if they. Hey, can I have your number? No. Oh my. Jesus Christ. Ah, can't handle that. What if I ask someone, hey, can you help me with this project?

No, you're busy.

Oh God, terrible. It's like this dreaded, dreaded. Oh my God. What if I ask and they say no? But that's the biggest block, right? It's fear. We make it this some horrible rejection about me, me, right? So they're going to say no. And then we load even more onto that. It's not just this exchange of information, right? Like, hey, do you want to help me with X? No. Okay, great. Now I'm going to go ask someone else. That's really all that's happening is this exchange of information. But we make it this. Oh my God, it means so much about me. And here are some of the meanings that we throw onto it. It means that it was bad for me to ask. It was too much, too assertive, too demanding. There's this badness I feel. I'm so bad for asking because they said no. Now if they'd said yes, then, you know, no problems. But so we feel this. It's bad to ask for what we want. Then we can also feel the sense of like, oh, I'm unwanted, they don't like me, I'm not lovable, they don't approve of me, is another layer that we can throw on that. And then there can be this sort of vague sense of embarrassment, like, oh my God, what if people knew that I asked and this person said no? So, I mean, look at this, look at how crazy making our minds can be. And that's why we just gotta drop out of the mind and get into your body and just take a breath and just feel all that discomfort going on in your chest about asking and just feel right into it with your attention and breathe right into it, right into your heart. Soften and relax your stomach, relax your jaw, Resist nothing. Don't try to fight any of the feelings, just let them move through you. It's just some uncomfortable energy and focus on that and just let all that BS in your mind go by. Like little bits of driftwood and sticks and leaves on a river, they're just bouncing along, passing by. And you just feel the sensations in your body. And if you do that and if you stick with it for just a few minutes, a lot of stuff will just pass because it's not real, it's not true, it's just thoughts. And the more we hook into them, the more we try to fight them and believe them and not believe them, then the more we just spin and spiral and it's just information. It's just a no, it's a, oh, I guess they're not going to be helping me with that project. Oh, I guess she's not going to be going out with me. I guess they're not going to be a customer. Okay, next, moving on. Right? It's just like. It's just information. So all those other Layers create all the suffering and pain. And can you just drop that? It doesn't mean any of that. And it doesn't have to mean any of that. But you might say, well, how do I make it not mean that? Well, that's good luck trying to defeat, wrestling the thought and stopping the thought. And that's, you know, it's much easier to just decide, you know what, it doesn't mean any of that. It's just information. And whatever feelings are going to come up, I'm just going to notice them and send love and acceptance to them in my body. And if you want to learn more about, there's a great episode I did a while back with the Barefoot Doctor called How to Accept Everything. Great guidance on how to do what I'm talking about here. But just really bringing yourself back to your heart and letting that stuff go and just knowing it's okay to ask. That could be a general mantra you can offer yourself. It's like, it's okay to ask. It's good to ask. It's good to ask. That's right. It's good to ask. And I have a great story that I'd like to share about the power of asking about how not only is it good to ask because it's good for us to break free from that fear, but also when you ask, and you ask in the way that I'm going to talk about in a second, you, you know, boldly, directly, just step up and fucking do it, man. Results in your life change. I don't even know what the percentage is. I have a specific example I'm gonna share in a second. Maybe doing the quick math here. Well, maybe we'll have to do that math together. I'll share the numbers with you and then we'll do the math about what the increase in performance and success was. The results were in just a second, so I'm going to share that. We're going to take a quick break right now, and when we get back, we're going to dive into how to ask boldly. And I have this great story about the incredible results that happen in your life when you do that. So stay tuned. We'll be right back right after this.

Do you want to know the fastest and most powerful way to completely change your confidence levels for the rest of your life? It requires more than just listening to something or reading a book. It requires you step up and say that you will do whatever it takes to break out of fear and create the confidence you know you deserve in this life. The fastest and most powerful way to create that confidence in yourself is to work directly with someone who knows exactly what you're going through and who has traveled the road ahead. Go to socialconfidencecenter.com coaching to find out more about how to work directly with Dr. Aziz in private. One on one coaching.

Ask, boldly ask directly. That's how we're gonna do it. So if you've got all these blocks about asking and it's so bad and I'm so terrible and what if they reject me? What we end up doing is we ask with like one foot in the door and one foot out the door so we don't say, hey, I love talking to you, I wanna hang out again, what's your number? Or listen, here's what I delivered to the company, here's what I plan to deliver, here's how much I'm bringing in. I would like to get a 4% increase in my salary this quarter or whatever. We don't just put it out there or, hey, based on everything you share, I think this product would be amazing for you. Why don't you check that out and let's go from there. Let's get you signed up for that. We don't put it out there in that direct way. What we do say is like, well, I mean, you probably have a boyfriend or I don't know, do you want to maybe hang out sometime with me? It's like, that's exaggerated, but maybe not. Or, hey, John, so I'm working on this project and here's a bunch of unnecessary detail, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And maybe if you have a moment later and it's not going to be a bother to you, you could take a look at this and maybe give me some of your thoughts. We just do this convoluted, over the top, just boldly step up, face the fear. And I mean, that's the theme of this whole show, of the whole message that I teach people, let's just face our fears. You can handle it. That's the only way you're going to discover you can handle it is by facing your fears. So step up and do it. Start asking, just give yourself permission and, and just start stepping up. And as Steve Jobs said, the world opens up for you. And look at him. I mean, Jesus, the world certainly opened up for him. And thank God because he brought so much to the world. I have all kinds of his gadgets in front of me right now, bless him. But anyway, so let me share this story with you about the power of Asking not too long ago, the time of the recording, maybe a week ago, through a series of events that I don't want to get into all the details, I ended up in a town called Mount Hood, or Hood river, actually, in a town called Hood river, which is about 45 minutes outside of Portland, where I live. And my wife is continuing on to her family in Washington. And I didn't have a car, and there's a long story behind that, but I'm not going to get into it anyway. It's basically like, oh, yeah, you'll find a bus back. It'll be fine. I was like, great. So I get into Hood River. It's a beautiful little mountain town along the Columbia river. And it's a bright sunny day. So I was like, great, no problem. I'll find my way back. And it ended up being a pretty long process that involved trying to get to this train station which was across the Columbia River. And the only way to get across the Columbia river was on this one bridge. And it was a no pedestrian, super narrow metal bridge, so you couldn't walk across it. And so you had to get across on a car, which means I had to ask people. I had to hitchhike, basically, to get across. And I've actually never hitchhiked in my entire life. I don't know if you have, but never done it before. But anyway, so I have my backpack and I'm standing right near the entrance to the bridge. And everyone's stopping because it's a toll bridge and everyone's kind of stopping and paying their toll. And so I'm standing there with my thumb out like, hey, pick me up. Do I smile? Does that help people? How do I ask? Right? Because it's like. It's a weird form of asking. And let me ask you this. Is hitchhiking a bold form of asking? Well, it might feel bold. It felt a little. It was definitely outside my comfort zone. So I was like, oh, great, get a little practice here. But no, not really, because you're quiet, you're very easily ignorable. And that's what I found. Most people do shit. That's what I do when I see hitchhikers. Just don't look at them. Right? I learned my lesson there. Some may get my comeuppance, but anyway, so I'm there with my thumb out. And I find that most people, vast majority, don't look at you and don't want to acknowledge that you're asking. So I'm smiling and putting my thumb up and car, after Car after car after car is passing by and I'm like, holy shit. Really? I'm just going across this short bridge. I mean, maybe they don't know that. Maybe they think I'm going further. Maybe they think I got a knife and I'm going to attack them. I don't know what's going on. But car after car after car. And I started counting because I was like, wow, this is crazy, you know? And I got, I think it was about 60 cars went by before a guy in a big truck picked me up. Now, maybe if you have more experience with hitchhiking and probably the location matters, but I don't know what the numbers are, but 60. So one out of 60 is how long it took me to get a ride. And then he drove me across the bridge and then I got to the other side, got to the train station, found out that it wasn't a train station, it was just a broke down platform. And so I had to get back across into Mount Hood to try to find a bus. So I was like, damn it. So I get back to the bridge and there I'm standing on the other side waiting to get back. And I'm like, man, I want to do this faster than the time before. And I was like, hitchhiking wasn't working. So I was like, you know what I need to ask? I need to step up and ask more boldly. So what I did is I positioned myself on the street corner where a bunch of cars were going to make a left turn onto the bridge, and they were stopped at this light. And everyone had their windows down because it was a really hot day. So what I did, I just stood on the corner and I waited for like the light to turn red and then some cars to line up. And then I went to the first car and I was about, you know, across one lane of traffic. So I was like, maybe 10, 15ft away, there's a woman there. I was like, excuse me. And she looked at me, I was like, hey, can I have a ride across the bridge? And she's like, no. I was like, oh. And then here's the beauty of asking. Asking boldly. I asked again, I said, really? Are you sure I'm safe? And I gave her a big smile and like a playful look, and she's like, no, sorry. And looked a little uncomfortable. So I was like, all right, moving on. I just walked a couple feet, you know, and got in line with the next car. And then I asked them, and guess what, Guess how many people I asked before A guy said, sure, come in three. Three versus 60. So 60 was from passively kind of asking with my thumb. And then when I just talked to the person and just said, hey, I just want to get across the bridge. Can I get a ride? They could hear my voice tone. They could hear it was a short ride. They wouldn't have to hang out with me for hours. They could see that I was a normal dude. Bam. 3. So I don't know what the stats are on that, but that's tenfold, if not more. 20 fold. Way better. 4,000%, based upon my phony calculations. So what does that mean for you in your life? What would happen if you just started asking more boldly? If you're in sales, you more boldly started conversations with people, and then in those conversations, you more boldly brought up the sale part of the sale. And then you more boldly talked about if they're going to get it or not and what's getting in the way. If it's dating, you more boldly approach women, you more boldly ask them, let's hang out. Instead of saying, kind of passively waiting and hoping for the right signal or for her to do it, you step up and say, hey, can I have a ride across the bridge? Just ask her, hey, let's hang out sometime. What about stepping up and asking more directly? In work, can you get help from people? Can you delegate things? Can you just speak up more and get what you need? So much resentment, so much tension, so much discouragement and frustration comes from not asking, being too scared to ask, and then blaming other people for not doing what we wanted them to do. So we gotta break free of that. So step up and ask. In fact, that brings us to our action step for today. Time for action. Your action step for today is to step up and ask. That's right. So find one area in your life that you want to ask more boldly in, and then go ask more boldly in it. And I don't know what that is for you, but you know what that is for you. And think about the one that you're more scared to do. That's probably the better one. And if it's too much to start with that, though, that's fine. Pick an easier one. Build up gradual, you know, kind of work your way up to it. But eventually the harder stuff, because the more bold requests you can make, the more your life can totally transform. So think about that in your life. And if you want to share your experience about that, go to facebook.com SocialConfidence Share your thoughts on shrinkforthshyguy.com, love to hear your feedback and I look forward to speaking with you in future episodes. If you're enjoying the show, go to itunes and give it a five star rating and this will help me keep it going. Keep all this free awesome stuff coming and if you want to dive deeper, check out some of my programs. Go to socialconfidencecenter.com I mean you're going to find a lot of stuff there to really help you break through. I mean this is just the tip of the iceberg. So enjoy spending time with you today and until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Talk to you soon.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to Social Confidence center dot com.