The Power of Unconditional Love

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today, I'm excited to be with you because we're going to be talking about unconditional love. Oh, yes. An important topic that you might not even really be thinking about. Those words might not even come to your mind regularly. You might be focused on confidence, success, achievement, and maybe even if you're looking at love and relationships, you know, you think about, I want a partner or I want a boyfriend or I want a girlfriend or I want sex or whatever the needs you're trying to meet, we tend to focus on that and we don't. And maybe we think about love like, I want love, I want connection. I want to share time or my experiences or my life with somebody. But one thing we don't necessarily think about is specifically unconditional love. In fact, you might even have thoughts or reactions to that phrase. You might not know what that means. Or that might sound like an impossible, unrealistic thing, a standard that's just not humanly doable. So that'll be interesting to examine today as we talk about that, because what I'm going to describe is something that I do think is part of our growth and how achievable it is. Well, I don't know. I mean, it depends on what percentage we're talking about. But I'll tell you this, the more we grow in our capacity to love unconditionally, the better our lives become. And we'll talk a lot more about that today. So before we do, I want to thank you for being here with me and for. Maybe this is your first episode you've listened to, maybe it's your 50th, I don't know. But I think it's really cool that we get a chance to share this experience. And so I'll take a moment of gratitude for you and maybe you taking a moment of gratitude for taking this time to think about yourself, reflect on yourself. And give yourself that gift of growth. Because you know, you could be listening to, I don't know, shitty talk radio or anything at all, but you're listening to this. This is something that is going to help you grow over time. So thank you. You're awesome. And together we're executing Operation Mass Liberation, which is to radically free ourselves from fear, self doubt, self criticism, self hatred, social anxiety, whatever's holding us back. And that's what we're doing so we can unleash more boldness, more confidence. So thank you for being a brother or sister on this path with me. You're awesome. Okay, let's talk more about unconditional love. What is it? Well, my sense of it is that it's our capacity to love someone even when they're not doing the exact things that we like. So it's easy to love them. If someone comes up to you, imagine this scenario. There's someone that you find very attractive, just your exact type. They're a super hottie and they come up to you and they're attentive, they listen to you, they like your stories, they think you're funny, they think your jokes are great, they think you're so smart. They're complimentary of you. Not too complimentary. Not brown nosing or condescending or anything, but just the right amount. And they invite you to things and they do fun experiences with you and they like all the things that you like and they go with you to do the things. The movies you want to see and the restaurants you want to go to and they're in and they're fun and they're energetic and they're complimentary. Get along with your friends and your family and they think you're the best. Sounds like a pretty sweet relationship, right? Well, you just gotta find the right person. You just gotta find the right one. And that's it. Just that's the only obstacle, is you haven't found the right one yet. No, I'm kidding. That's a fantasy, right? That's unrealistic. Because the truth is everyone's got needs, everyone's got limitations, everyone's got differing desires. So are you going to go want the exact same thing as your partner? Always. Are you, you know, is that person always going to be praising you for everything you do? Are they always going to like everything you do? That's unrealistic if you're dealing with two human beings who are being honest and authentic with each other. So when someone is showing up that way though, sure. A lot easier to love Them. Right, but what about when they don't want to do what you do? What about if they have a different opinion than you do or a different desire than you? Well, then what? Well, we tend to think, oh, well, I'm flexible, I'm patient, I can roll with that. If you were to ask one of us in the abstract, oh yeah, totally. No big deal for me. But then in the moment, what actually happens is the truth. And what's true is that we all have a limit on our capacity to love. And omos that, I'm putting together my next book on my own side. I call it our clc Current Love Capacity. And that, you know, overall you have a current love capacity and you also, it might fluctuate day to day, maybe you're having a shitty day, so it's a little lower. But overall, there's a threshold of how much love you can give, especially when someone does something that you don't like or is just not exactly the kind of person that you like or the things that you're into. So unconditional love is when we can love someone even when they're not the way we want them to be. Not acting nice, not inside being like, f you, man, I hate you, and then retreating or withdrawing or doing it passively, aggressively, but actually finding a place in ourselves where we can connect with them, we can relate to them, we can have empathy for them, empathy and understanding. And we can give something to them in that interaction or share something, or just be how we would normally be with someone that we're loving. And this is a skill, this is a practice, this is something worth developing. Because if you want to have an awesome relationship, whether it's with a partner or spouse, with friends or with your kids, your love capacity, your ability to give love and then receive love too, is going to be one of the major limiting factors on how awesome that relationship is, on how much it nourishes you, on how grateful you are for it, and how much it enhances your life. So for very limited, even if you're in a relationship, you might not be getting much juice out of it. And I've seen this a lot with clients and people that have come through my world and maybe I know them well, maybe I don't. Maybe they're at an event, maybe it's someone I worked with for a while, and I'll start to get a sense of people's capacity to give love, to be open hearted in the world. And one thing I find is that people that are not able to Give that much love or receive that much love, even when they get into a relationship, it doesn't nourish them. And so after a period of time, could be a couple months, could be a year, they're kind of like, yeah, this is. I don't know, this relationship isn't doing it for me anymore. This person isn't doing it for me anymore. And it could be that that wasn't a good fit for them. But it also is that they're not nourished by it. And so they start to look for something else. Like, I must be a different. I might need a different partner, maybe a different kind of relationship. Oh, this person's too much of that or too little of this. And one of the problems might be the limitation and the capacity to give and receive love. So this is extremely important to develop. And I really do think of it as something that we develop. I don't think it's something that we just naturally have. I think what we're born with is a lot more selfish form of love. Like, give me what I want and then I'll like you. And over time, as we mature, we can increase our capacity to do this. And I really do think it's like a muscle, and we have to work it out. And the more you do, the stronger it gets. But it's not easy. And what made me think of this recently is this experience I had with one of my sons where, I mean, that's talk about a fantastic training ground. If unconditional love is a muscle, a fantastic training ground to build that muscle is with kids because they can be extremely sweet and just so disarmingly tender and vulnerable. When they climb into my lap and say something just so silly or so sweet, Zaim will say things like, you know, this is a game we've had since he was young and could talk. I talk about how I love him bigger than he loves me. And I talk about how big I love him compared to, you know, bigger than this house. And as soon as he started to learn about stars and galaxies, I tell him that I love him bigger than the biggest galaxy. And then we could start talking back. He'd say that stuff back to me. And now out of nowhere, he might say, like, dad, I love you as big as. What's bigger, a billion or a trillion? A trillion. I love you bigger than a trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion universes. And it's just like, heart melting. I'm like, ah, I love you. Right? So there's these incredibly sweet moments. And then if you're a parent, you know this. If you've spent any time around kids, you know this. It can flip within seconds to extremely obnoxious, irritating behavior. A term that my wife and I have is ipm irritants per minute. And so sometimes I'll come home or for lunch or work or whatever, and she'll be kind of tense and irritated, what's going on? She'll say, like, ah, it's been a high ipm this morning. So that would be like, you know, I'm gonna throw this on the floor. Kaplow. Now give me this. Now that. Now I'm gonna push my brother. Bleh. You know, non. And you're trying to deal with it all while you're also trying to, whatever, do an errand or make lunch or live a life. So when those challenges arise, when they're doing things that are unpleasant, when they do things that you don't like, how to love that. And that's hard. But it's something I am really interested in and committed to because I know the value, the power, the gift that lasts literally a lifetime when parents can give that to their kids. Because what that's communicating is a sense of, you're okay as you are, I love you. Even when you do annoying stuff, it's okay to be angry or irritable or make a mess. And you don't. You're not bad. You're not wrong. Because I, and many people that I know grew up with more conditional love. Their parent had their own capacities, limitations, current love capacity, right? So, you know, you do something they like, and they're sweet and loving, and you do something they don't like and, you know, get yelled at or hit or intense words or blamed or shamed. And not to say that I don't have my. I do have limitations. So I will blame my kids. I will say things that subtly shame them as much as I try not to. It'll come out. Or sometimes they'll make a big mess. And as much as I want my reaction to be neutral, my first reaction will be, ah, you know, which is a subtle form of like, God damn it, what's wrong with you? Come on. So in that spirit of growth, though, is continually coming back to, well, how can I be more loving? But this gets interesting when they start doing things that are, I don't know, just really unpleasant. Like, one of my older son will hit his younger brother and then laugh. That was awesome. You know, in that moment inside, I'm like, dick, man. Come on. Right? And so, okay, I don't want to communicate that, but at the same time to be like, ah, you've hit your brother. I am neutral in response to that. Feels like some sort of weird, like, too, too lobotomized, Zen, non human for me. So what do you do? What does unconditional love actually look like in this case? Well, I'm still exploring, I'm still figuring it out, but my sense is that I move towards as opposed to withdrawing my energy and attention and love. And I address what's happening, but I've removed the fangs. The fangs are the communication of, like, what the. What's wrong with you? And maybe you got that communication from your parents. You might not even remember it, but there's a lot of that that comes through. And so you'll be moving towards him and be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, dude, dude, please don't hit your brother. Okay, hold on a second. I'm here to help you guys. What happened? What's going on? And so there can be an energy or even an intensity or even an irritation in my voice, but it doesn't have that same, like, ah, come on, dude, what's wrong with you? Like, that kind of energy. Do you feel the difference between the two? And so the question I have for you is, what would more unconditional love look like in your primary relationships, your friendships, relationships with your parents, relationships with siblings, with your partner, with your spouse? What about even extending it to like, co workers and colleagues and someone you're intimidated by or someone you don't like? And look, this does not mean. Because I used to live with this one. This is like, nice guy, nice girl, vomiting in the back of my mouth. When I think about it, how I tried to live this way for so long, which is like, I need to love everybody. I need to love everybody. It's kind of this like, savior, Jesus y complex thing. Like, I'm supposed to be just a beacon of love, and I only feel love. And it wasn't true. It was just massive repression of my shadow and who I really was. And I tried to look like this really nice guy and have all this body pain and anxiety and all this stuff inside. So I'm not talking about that. You don't have to love everybody. You don't have to feel positive, warm, like, I just love everybody. Like, maybe there's spiritual practitioners that have been growing their compassion muscle for 47 years who can do this, but for the average person, for the rest of us, it's more like, well, how do I work with it? When I'M angry, when I'm blaming, when I'm judgmental. And one thing I've found that's really helpful is there's two things that I want to share with you. One is to know that when you're blaming or irritable or impatient with someone else, it's kind of like low level or there's a full on rage bomb going off inside of you. You hate someone, you're going over in your mind how bad they are, what a failure they are, how much they screwed you over or let you down or what the hell's wrong with them. So whether the matter is very intense or mild intensity annoyance, we get caught in this like repetitive fire of thinking in our mind, like ah, this and then that and this situation sucks. But what's underneath that? If you go down, like don't get stuck in the fire and like drop down into the, literally into your body, with your awareness, into your chest. Usually for me it's my chest. You'll feel like it's, it's uncomfortable in there, there's like a fire in there or it's tight or squeezing or your jaw's tight, it's. You're not breathing much, you're tense in your ribs or your stomach, there's some squeezing, clenching discomfort going on there. And if you're able to stay with the actual sensations and you maybe even ask yourself like does repetitively telling them off in my head, is that helping me? Is that relieving this tension inside me or thinking about all the things they did to me or thinking about how I'm going to fire them or break up with them or whatever. You can ask yourself that question. Maybe it's helpful. In my case, it's usually not. And then underneath, like what's going on? Well, it's hurting. I'm hurting inside. So that's the first major insight is underneath the anger, the impatience, the judgment of others, there's hurting. And this one might be easiest to see when it's really intense and it's harder to see when it's just mild. And some people have this chronic judgment going on of other people inside, whether they share it or not. Like that person's fat, that person's stupid, that person's an idiot. I don't even know why I don't like that person, but I don't like that person. And it's such a part of daily life. It's just kind of what your mind does that you might not even be aware that there's also a chronic sense of Pain in your chest or in your body somewhere, a hurting inside emotionally. You're hurting when you do that, because when you feel, like, full of love and happy and rich and nourished with your relationships and your life, you don't go around thinking everyone's a dickhead. You just don't. That state is not activated in you, right? And there's a classic example of the person who falls in love and they're just like running down the street, skipping and giving people flowers and stuff, right? So that's because they're so full of love in that moment, that that's the natural energy that wants to come out of us. So I'll share one other story with you about practicing unconditional love and how important it is to give this to ourselves too. This is one of the most essential things. And in fact, it's impossible to love others if you're not giving it to yourself. You can look like you're loving others, you can give to others. You can be a martyr, you can self sacrifice, you can give more than you want. But inside you're gonna be burning out, creating resentment, creating anxiety, creating stress. So the only way to really give to others fully is gonna be to also be giving to yourself. And so there's this experience we had recently where Candice was weaning, which means stopping nursing our younger son, who was almost turning three. And so she was, she'd done it. You know, she kind of wanted to stop earlier, but kept going because she thought it was really good for him. And there's a lot of research that shows that it is. And she felt aligned, felt good in her heart to give in that way. And then she kind of reached the threshold and was like, okay, I'm done, I have to stop. And so we were doing that. And what's typical or often happens is after around weaning, there's what's called a regression where the kid, you know, it hurts, it's hard. It's like giving something up, giving up this bond with the mother, this deep kind of intimate connection time with the mother. And so there can be this sense of separation, pain. And then in that can be a regression where they backslide on things. So he backslid, slid on his toilet, you know, he was potty trained. But then he's like peeing in the house or does other things, becomes a little more reactive or resistant to things like, let's go over here. No, I'm going over there. What are you gonna do about it? I still have power in life. So he's doing that, which is normal, right? Typical. What you'd expect. We were kind of expecting that. What we didn't expect is my older son, Zaim, who's two years older, he had an even bigger regression than his younger brother. He became, like, extremely graspy and needy and just like, don't leave. And so what was happening, which we didn't anticipate, but the weaning thing triggered a lot of his own pain and stuff around weaning because his was very hard for him as well. So he becomes super clingy. And I remember one day, this was a weekend day, this was a Saturday. He was just like, on me, like, on me all day long. Like, daddy, do this, let's do that, let's do this, do that. And I just kept on giving more and more. Okay, we're gonna play and I'm taking you to the store and we'll be together. And we're do this and we're gonna do that, we're gonna do this. And just, like, attention nonstop. And he's talking and wanting to interact, and I'm just giving, giving, giving, giving all day long because I know what's happening. I'm like, okay, he's having this regression. He's feeling like, all this pain and ache inside. Let me be that really stable, loving presence for him. And I was able to do that for most of the day. Then I reached my current love capacity. Hit the wall there. And this was in the evening, so I get tired in the evenings because I wake up crazy early, like, usually around 3:45 these days. And so come bedtime for the kids, which is around 6:37, I'm getting pretty close to my own bedtime. And so I'm getting tired and he's still wanting more. And there's a part in my mind that's kind of like. I don't know if you've ever done this, like, keeping score. It's like, listen, I've already given more today than normal. Like five times more than normal. You should be grateful, you should be done. You should be full. You shouldn't need any more. God damn it. You know? And I didn't. Just didn't want to. And so I'm in the. He's laying kind of in the bedroom on the bed, partially on the bed, partially off, like, upside down, like. And he's just like, daddy, blah, blah, blah, daddy this, daddy that. And I'm in the bathroom with the door open so I can see him brushing my teeth. And I'm sitting against the Edge of the tub, brushing my teeth, and I'm just feeling done. And he's like, daddy, this. Daddy, come out here. Do this, do that. And I'm just like, I'm in here brushing my teeth, dude. Kind of like that tone, like, if you want to come talk to me, whatever. That's sort of that energy. And he said something else and I said something else, kind of like dismissive. And then I was brushing my teeth, and I was kind of feeling, like, hurting inside. Like, I don't want to give anymore, but it didn't feel good to not give either. And I'm just feeling kind of depleted inside. And then I look out the bathroom into the bedroom there, and that sort of sitting against the bed, and I see this look on his face where he's just, like, scared or looking around, like, a little unsure. Unsure is maybe the word. More than scared. And then I had that moment where I'm looking at him brushing my teeth, and I'm like, he doesn't. He's not doing this to me. Like, he literally just needs more. He's hurting inside, and he doesn't know how to deal with it. The loss and whatever feelings that are going up for him are just so intense. He doesn't know how to deal with it. He's scared. He wants the comfort of his dad. He doesn't have a sense of, like, well, dad can. You know, I should only ask whatever, 700 units of attention and love from dad in a day. I should never ask for 800. That's too much. Like, he doesn't have that. It's just like, I'm hungry. Feed me. I want this. And I just saw this, like, sort of disoriented or unsettled look on his face, and it just broke my heart open. I was like, ah, okay, I can do it. I can give more. And it wasn't coming from, like, I have to. I'm burdened, unobligated. I'm resentful. It's just like, it just cracked open. And so I finished up brushing my teeth and I went into the bedroom, and then just, like, even more gave him love and attention. And then I had both boys and was kind of Rick rocking him on the bed and playing games with them and just giving this full attention. And it was nourishing to him. I could feel it. And it felt good to me. It felt nourishing to me to give in that way. And there's like, this magical key of when we can somehow unlock it. And I wish I could just unlock it instantly. But sometimes I have to reach this breaking point or I have to lose my temper or something has to happen and then I can activate that. So this isn't about perfection because there's many times where I'm kind of closed or don't want to give as much, and then I don't give until I get rest and I feel more restored and then I can do more. But in that moment, I was able to tip the scale. And so the second thing that's extremely valuable for giving more love unconditionally is empathy. Is really thinking about that other person really getting into their own experience. And not like, I'm going to figure this weirdo or this loser out and why they're messed up. It's more like what is going on in their world. Maybe everything makes sense if you're in their world, why they're doing what they're doing. Maybe there's a reason why they have such a strong viewpoint here. Maybe there's a reason why they're so anxious or they're so irritable or they're so defended or they're whatever the things you don't are bothered by someone. So let's turn this into action. Time for action. Action, action. So your action step for today is going to be to exercise your muscle of unconditional love and just test it out. So again, this is not coming from a should or an obligation or a must. You got to love everybody. Just stretch it a little. So maybe think of. Just keep that in mind throughout the day. How could I act more loving today? What would that look like? Even just that question will open up doors for you. How could I be more loving today? Starting with yourself. Maybe you just need to love yourself more because this will come up sometimes. My wife and I'll be having a conversation. It's late at night, kids are asleep. We're in bed, we're talking. And there'll be a moment from the day where she's upset with herself because she didn't respond as patiently as she wanted to, which is crazy because she is extremely patient and loving and attentive and just way beyond what either of us received as kids. And what I. You know, it's an incredible gift to our boys to have her as a mother. And still there's the time where she lost it or the time where she was irritated, the time where she said this and she's kind of suffering about it. And when we start to unravel it, the suffering, you know, there's some pain of the moment of disconnection with her and one of the boys. But most of the suffering is like this. You failed, you're bad, you've hurt your kids, you're messing them up. You should be able to do better, blah, blah, blah, blah. And what I always try to help her move towards is your ultimate goal is to be more loving with the kids. But you cannot get more loving with them if you are not loving yourself. Because then it's like, oh, I did wrong. I'm gonna punish myself. I'm a piece of shit now. I'm gonna act better in the future. But do you see how there's no refilling of the tank there? Where's that quote better behavior coming from? Just like willpower, grit, fear, because you should or I'm gonna beat you. That doesn't work. We need to, like, have forgiveness for ourselves. Like, yeah, it's hard. I lost it that day or that moment that happens. Let me what was going on for me. Having empathy for yourself, finding the love and the forgiveness for yourself. And then that's gonna allow you to give more lovingly the next day, the next moment, the next situation. So perhaps for you, the action step is giving yourself more unconditional love and forgiveness. Maybe it's having more empathy for the people in your workplace and in your life. Find out whatever form it's going to take for you today. Practice that and we'll see what happens. My sense is your life will get better and better the more you increase this capacity and your relationships get deeper as well. So thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are, to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Azeez. 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