The Problem With Self-Esteem (And What To Do About It)

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about the problem with self esteem. What? How can there be anything wrong with self esteem? Isn't self esteem great? Well, yes and no. And this is not going to be some theoretical exploration of some psychological concept. This is actually a very practical look at you and your relationship with you and common pitfalls I see in people who are trying to build confidence, break out of social anxiety, and they try to increase their sense of self esteem, which is very healthy and makes a lot of sense. And there's some pitfalls. So we're gonna discover what those are. You're gonna learn what the benefits of some of the qualities of self esteem are and what those pitfalls are and what to do instead. That allows you to have that high sense of self worth, but doesn't have any of those shortcomings of self esteem that you'll discover in this episode. So make sure you listen to this and if you're benefiting from this, please go to wherever you are listening to it from, whether it's itunes or Spotify, and give it a review because that helps more people discover it. And that's the goal of this show. Operation Mass Liberation. Right. You know, let's reach as many people as we can who are feeling shy, stuck, self doubting, socially anxious, thinking they're isolated or separate, and realizing you're not alone. You're part of hundreds of millions of humans who experience this. I mean, really, if you look at social anxiety, I would say billions, because everyone experiences social anxiety in some way, shape or form, but hundreds of millions are experiencing it in a significant way and feeling disconnected. And we want to shift that. So be a part of that mission. You can go to wherever you're listening to and give it a review. Alright, let's talk about self esteem and why there might be some pitfalls with it. So there are many ways to define self Esteem. But if you look at just the core words involved, it's esteem to value highly. That's what esteem means. An esteemed colleague, an esteemed pedigree. It's valued highly. Self esteem, I value myself highly. That might sound really good at first. Especially if you have low self esteem, you don't value yourself highly, you value yourself as low. And then there's a whole host of problems that come as a result of that. Right? I don't think I deserve good treatment. I better be however you want me to be because me is not okay. Me is not good enough. I'll accept whatever I can get. I'll settle in my relationships or my job opportunities or my experiences in life. Because, hey, I can't do any better and I don't deserve any better. That's sort of the self esteem perspective, low self esteem perspective. And so by raising self esteem, hey, I'm a person of value, I'm a person of worth. Of course I deserve good things. You might have a much better experience of life. And so I think that's, that is very important. It is something that I teach clients to do, is how to improve their self esteem because that's part of confidence. If you don't think much of yourself, then others, then you accept treatment of others that is less than optimal. If you don't think much of yourself, then you don't speak up when someone is mistreating you. If you don't think much of yourself, then you think that you kind of have to take scraps when it comes to love and relationship and connection. So let's increase that, right? Well, what's the downside? What's the pitfall here? What's the problem? Well, let me tell you a quick story. I was talking to a client recently and he said, you know, I have a hard time when it comes to longer connections, like really forming deeper relationships. But early on I've actually learned how to become more confident. I said, oh, cool, tell me what you do. And he said, well, when I'm first meeting someone, before I do that, I'm able to get into a certain state, a state of confidence, and I can just go do it and take action and connect with people and be charming. I said, oh, great. Well, how do you get into that state of confidence? He said, well, I just, I think back to a moment in my life where I just felt fully confident. I said, oh, I had a smile on my face. I was like, what is that moment? I was like, I used to play sports, I used to play rugby. I was this amazing player and when I got out on the field, I didn't worry about what other people thought. I knew I was awesome. And you could see it, his whole body changed, his smile was there. Like you could feel this confidence coming off of him. And you know, this could be called an inner resource to go back to a time where you felt confident or grateful or powerful or love. And you can access that and you can feel it and you can bring it into your life. Now. It's a very valuable technique. And though the downside with this, the problem with this, the pitfall with self esteem is that it is still based on evaluation, still based on who you think you are and how much worth you think you have, right? So I am low worth, I don't think much of myself, okay, now it flips. Now I'm high worth and I'm awesome. And so what I saw there is he's still generating a sense of value because he's really good at this sport and he's not alone in that, right? We all do that, right? We kind of get a sense of, oh, look at my paycheck. Ah ha ha. Look at how, look at how sought after I am, look how many books I sold, look how many people want to date, look how many followers I have on this platform. Look at it. It's like all these things that we might use. There's a thousand and one metrics, there's a million and one metrics, you know, a million and one rulers by which you can measure something about yourself. And so a major pitfall with self esteem is that we evaluate ourselves high and then we feel good about ourselves and there's some value in being able to see your strengths and to own that you're value. However, what I found is that it is still performance based. It is still an evaluation of yourself. And so when it's high, it's good. Let the good times roll. The money's rolling in, the paycheck's rolling in, the popularity's rolling. But what happens when you get fired or laid off or you don't make as much that month? What happens if someone doesn't want to date you? What happens if you perform poorly on the sport, whatever sport? You're drawing from your sense of self esteem, from what happens when you fail, when you fall short, when you are not that amazing, performing, achieving, excelling, perfect version of you? That, that right there is why self esteem is defined by, you know, how you view yourself, how you evaluate yourself is always going to be problematic. You might Be on the positive side of the coin for a while. King of the world, queen of the castle. But then what? Then at some point it's going to flip further still. And there's interesting research about this from Kristin Neff. She's a researcher who did a lot of research on self compassion, which is sort of an alternative approach she was using than self esteem. I found that both are good and I'll explain a little bit more in a little bit about how to marry these two things together. But in her research on self esteem, what she found is that sometimes when people had a high self evaluation, like I think I'm awesome, and here's why they actually would be. It would be harder to give them feedback or they might be more defensive to feedback, or they might distort information or feedback coming their way to make themselves still maintain a high self evaluation. Which makes sense. I need to feel good about myself. I have to think that I'm awesome at X in order to feel good about myself. So I'm going to make up information or distort information or not listen to you if you're trying to tell me something, because I don't want to feel bad about myself. So you see, there's a vulnerability to self esteem. There's a vulnerability here because you have to maintain this good impression of yourself because your self worth, which is a really powerful thing, we talked about it in a recent episode. I mean, your self worth is. That's your tether on safety and okayness and belonging. And when you do feel like you don't have worthiness or you don't belong, you're. It's very upsetting to you as a human animal for functioning in the world. It feels like something horribly is wrong. You're very at unease inside. And so we need that sense of self worth. And so as long as that sense of self worth is fluctuating and is dependent on performance or something that you've done to achieve or however you're drawing, whatever you're measuring, you're going to always be vulnerable to it plummeting. So what do we do? What's the alternative? Well, the alternative would be unconditional confidence, unconditional self worth, unconditional acceptance, compassion, and that is, I'm awesome because I'm here. There is no because I exist. I have a right to be here. And the mind might listen and say, okay, what's the real way to do it? Now you can't just stop there because the mind needs it. Because the mind is constantly in a state the mind evaluates, it decides, it dissects. Is it this or is it that? Is it A or B? It categorizes. Is it good or is it bad? Is it liked or is it not liked? Is it popular or is it loser? And so when I tell you there is no evaluation of you that is real and you can be without that. It might be confusing, it might just roll. Your mind's like, what? What is he saying? But take a moment to really let that sink in and maybe a few breaths. What if your sense of worth and value had nothing to do with your performance? So self esteem was sort of a non. It didn't determine how you felt that day. Instead, you could have strengths that you're aware of, things that you're good at or capable of, and you could enjoy those, like, oh, I'm good at talking to people, or I'm good at creating art. And you get to enjoy that. And there is a sense of accomplishment or achievement or pride. And none of that is wrong. But the best way I could describe it is it's not. This is how it is, and this is who I am, and this is how I have to be. It's kind of like, yeah, I love creating art. Sometimes I'm amazing at it. Sometimes my stuff's not very good. Right. I'm an awesome rugby player. Yeah, I love it. I love being out on the field. I love the. I feel strong in my body. I'm an athlete. Yes. Sometimes I love the game. Sometimes I crush it. Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes I don't feel like playing. Sometimes my energy is low. And sometimes I'm, you know, star of the. On the. On the game. And do you see how there's no need to defend something, there's no need to posture, there's no need to distort information so I don't have a changing view of myself. Like, yeah, this is. This is where it is. This is who I am. This is how I show up. And I was trying to. This is something that I've spent many years studying. In fact, the reason I know about this research around self esteem is because I did my dissertation back when I was in graduate school in clinical psychology on the relationship between meditation and self compassion. I was really fascinated in the concept of self compassion because I had such a horrendous inner critic. And I was like, if I want to do this massive research project for my dissertation, I might as well make it something that's useful. And I was doing it because I thought it would be useful. For me, it turned out to be extremely useful for all my future clients that I work with. And it was sort of the genesis of. Eventually of the book on my own side. Omos. So what can you do instead of that evaluation of yourself? And there are lots of things you can do. I would say it's not so much what you do instead, it's a choice that you can make to abstain from buying into that evaluation. That's probably more important than anything you do instead. Because if you try to do something else instead, you're gonna feel like, no, I'm a good person anyway. Yeah, totally. I don't believe that. Right. You know, I'm ugly. I'm not this. I'm too fat, I'm not smart enough, but I'm still a good person. Yeah. There's something that fundamentally needs to change. And I was just in a mastermind call last night, and I was trying to. I was working with a client on this, and I was trying to figure out, like, how do I help awaken this in him? Because it's something that I was on a. That's why I did the dissertation, because I was obsessed with it. And I spent so many years hating myself. And I tried. I read so many books on the subject and did therapy, and do I do affirmations? Do I do eft, emotional freedom techniques? Do I do all these different approaches to like myself, to love myself more? And I was so in my mind at that time that it was very hard. There's not a whole lot of love in just, like, lower mental thinking. It's a lot of evaluation is what it is. So I was trying to access it, and then I'm trying to communicate to this client, because now I do feel that. And I was saying, what? Have you ever been just out on a hike somewhere? To me, one of my favorite places I like to go is out in Mount Hood, near Portland, Oregon. It's like you've been out on a hike, and you're just, like, looking at a mountain, looking at some trees, and if hiking's not your thing, maybe out on a boat or whatever in the snow, something where you're just kind of. You're away. You're away from people and away from just all the valuations of everything. You're just looking at this Mother Nature, this Earth that existed before you, that existed for billions of years, going to exist billions of years after you and all of us are here. Humans will be long gone. The Earth will still be here. Can you just feel that? Like, this mountain and even if you don't spend a lot of time in nature, you can just imagine a beautiful, majestic mountain peak with trees around, an alpine setting, maybe a lake, maybe some snow, maybe some goats, Mountain goats, whatever you want to see. And just get a feel of that. Is there. Is evaluation real? Can you say, this is a good mountain or a bad mountain? This is a worthy mountain or an unworthy mountain? This is a worthy tree. That's a worthy gopher. That's a worthy eagle. That's an unworthy eagle. Isn't it kind of strange? Isn't it kind of absurd? And go beyond the mind here and really tune in. Can you feel or sense any place you've ever felt connected in nature or anywhere else? Have you ever felt connected with any other experience? Not necessarily connected to other humans because they liked you, but you just felt connected to life. And maybe you loved other people as well, but it wasn't because they were saying, you're the greatest and you're the championship player. It's just, you're there. You exist, and you get to be. And who you are and what you're being is enough. And even saying it's enough is kind of an unnecessary statement, because is that mountain enough? Is that grove of trees enough? Right. It's a meaningless evaluation. Right? It's like saying the sky is 42. Say what? Oh, now the sky is 39. Like, are you measuring the temperature? Nope, nope. I'm just rating the sky on a scale of 1 to 100. Like, okay, on prettiness. No, just rating it. That's what the mind will do. That tree's ugly. That tree is beautiful. I like that one. That mountain's stupid, right? It's meaningless. You might say, no, no, Aziz, this is all a great fancy fairy tale out there in the mountains. But look, you're in the urban jungle. You got to make it work. You got to get love in this. You got to fight for love in this world. Dating is competitive now. All these online apps, it's hard out there, man. You gotta be top of the pack. You gotta win. And look, you can live in whatever reality you want. You could make a case for that reality. You could find evidence for that reality. You could point to things and say, see, that's how it is. And I know that's a reality of suffering. That's a reality of striving, endless striving. That's a reality of people who are extremely successful and empty inside and hungering for more and creating a lot of destruction in their wake. Whether it's to the planet or other people or relationships or other things. Because it's just like I need more. I'm empty inside. So that's the reality you can inhabit. But why fight for that? Why not claim something different right now and say, I claim self compassion. I claim being on my own side. I choose that. If I notice myself evaluating, what do you do with any habit? You just notice it when it's happening and you choose something else. I feel the urge to go eat the fries and milkshake or whatever habit you're trying to change. You want to eat healthier, for example. What do you do? The urge for the fries keeps coming back, doesn't just stop because you said you didn't want them. But when it comes up, you say, no, that's not how I want to do that. Why? Because I want to take better care of myself. Why? Because I want to be fit. Why? Because I want to have energy. Why? Because I don't want to have a bunch of illnesses from eating all this crap for my life. You know your why, you know your reasons. You stay with it. You resist the urge. You choose something new. You have a new pathway you're developing in your brain and literally you feel different. You choose different, you perceive life differently. And it's the same with this process. You challenge that. You say, no, I'm not gonna do that. Oh, your belly's a little fat right now. Okay, you know what? I'm not gonna do that. We're gonna focus on something else. And you bring your focus on purpose to something else. In fact, let's talk about how to do this in your action step. Time for action. Action, action. Your action step is going to be to notice when your mind goes into self evaluation mode, which might be all the time. So just notice it several times in the day. It was happening all the time. Maybe it's a little rare you bring your attention to, but notice when you're doing that and remind yourself like, I don't need to do that. It's meaningless. It's just a meaningless habit. Take a full breath in and choose again. Maybe you've chosen that 15 times today, but choose again. I'm gonna focus on something else. Right? Just like if you were obsessing, you were obsessing about, you know, is this person gonna call me back or did I make money on this thing or whatever. And you know, you don't. There's no more evaluation needed. You're just waiting on that person to call you back or whatever. You notice your mind going there you say, okay, all right. Like training a puppy. Like, oh, no, we don't go over there. Come on, let's go back. Let's focus on what we're doing and then bring your full attention into this moment. Who's the person in front of you? What's the task that you're doing? What's the smell of the air as you're breathing outside? Or what's the feeling of whatever you're touching with your hands? Bring yourself into this moment out of this meaningless habit. And there, there is where your unconditional confidence resides. There is where your freedom lives. Thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com. Sam.