The Process Is The Purpose (Principle 3)

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today, I'm excited to be with you because we're going to be diving further into the eight principles of sanity and victory. Oh, yeah. So if you're not familiar with this, this is a series I'm doing where I'm gonna be covering all eight. 1. In each episode, I've done a number one and 2. The first principle of sanity and victory is I am the captain of my ship. Because if we forget that, then life is just happening to me and there's nothing I can do and everything sucks. Number two, surrender is the ultimate life skill. That's a quote, by the way. I learned that from Christian Michelson. And really that. Can we, yes, take action, be the captain of our ship, but realize that you don't control the ocean and align ourselves with the flow of life, and these are things that make us feel sane. The opposite of sane is insane, which is, you know, overwhelmed, stressed, suffering. Life's awful. Maybe we even have many good things going in our lives. We don't get to feel them because we're feeling too bad about ourselves. It's insane to chronically hate yourself for your entire life, which, unfortunately, many people do. It's insane to think I'm not worthy and then avoid contact and feel lonely and isolated and live your whole life in some downsized version of who you could be. These are all insane. So these principles will help you reclaim sanity. All right, Number three, which is what we're covering today, the process is. Is the purpose. Let's dive into that. Now. I'm going to share the little text that I wrote. Remember, these principles came out of something that I created for myself to remind myself to read through these regularly to bring me back and keep me on track with sanity. And here's a little paragraph that I wrote underneath this one. The outcome is the carrot the divine uses to inspire. It is not the true purpose, and it will not bring the perma happiness you imbue it with. Withdraw the glamour from that fantasy and fully embrace the process. The process is the magic alchemy that transform you into the next version you're meant to be. Seek out the discomfort, savor the victories, and feast on your life today. So this is really key. You may have heard of this in different ways. Sometimes people talk about outcome independence is another way to say this, or you got to love the process or trust in the process. And those are all pointing towards a similar thing. But I'm taking it one step further and not just saying, like, hey, you know, you got to learn to love this process because that's what you're spending your time in. I'm saying, actually the process is the purpose. And that's a whole different way of thinking. At least it is for me and how I grew up and how I spent many years of my life now with anything. When you think about it, you do have an outcome you want. I want to talk to this person so that I can maybe make a friend or I want to talk to her so I can get a date. I want to have this thing at work, go a certain way. I want to get this result in my business. I want to. And you have something you're going for even in your social life, your health, your fitness. I want to lose this weight or I want to be able to do this activity or whatever it is, right? We want results. And there's nothing wrong with results. You want to create all kinds of results in your life, and I want to support you in doing that. And there's a funny way this game of life seems to be set up where if we focused entirely on the results, we go insane. We go Joker style, mad insane. And I don't mean joker folio die joker 2. I haven't watched that one. The reviews were so bad. I was just like. I don't know. I really like the first one, but I don't know if I can bring myself. Maybe when it's on, I'm not going to go see in the theater. Maybe I'll wait till it's out on video. What do you think? Is Joker 2 worth it? In any case, that kind of insane is to focus on results entirely. So a few examples in my own life, and I'm sure you can see that in your life as well. But I actually. I'm gonna contrast two experiences of a very similar outcomes, very similar results I was going for, and a very different way of engaging in the process and how One was insane and one was very sane and awesome and enjoyable. So in 2018, way back when, about six years ago, is when my physical abilities like clicked back on. They'd been turned off for about 20 years because of chronic pain. And in that time I'd done a few things, but I'd always be injuring myself. I remember one time even tried to run and train for a. It took me maybe about five years of serious chronic pain from 15 to 20. And then I got a medicine that actually helped reduce my symptoms, but didn't actually address the core problem. But. But with the symptoms reduced, I was able to try things, but I'd always be injuring myself. I'd play the guitar a lot and I'd get wrist tendonitis. I remember I trained for a 10k and ran it and then I had plantar fasciitis for literally one to two years after that and didn't run. So I really hammered home the story that my body was feeble and broken. And I have other podcasts about that. And you can hear me interview tons of different amazing teachers, authors and coaches about the mind body connection and how to free yourself from chronic pain. So I'm not gonna go too in depth into that, but if you're interested, just go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com and type in pain in the search and you'll be able to find some very liberating insights. And by the time, about 35 years old, around 2018, is when I had been just doing enough work on the mind body connection, understanding it over several years to really realize, wait a minute, I don't need to be on this medication anymore. And I got off this medication and I started really reclaiming health and fitness and capacity. And so what are, you know, what do you do? Well, think about this. I'm a 15 year old, pretty active, played a lot of soccer, you know, was going to the gym, wanted to get, wanted to get buff. So I get the girls and then everything shuts down, right? And then whatever, 20 years later, everything turns back on. What are you gonna do? I'm gonna get buff so I can get the girls. It's like, dude, but you're, you're already married. Doesn't matter. I'm gon get, I don't know, I just got to carry out this programming. Okay. So, you know, went to the gym and that was really powerful experience. My, my friend and coach, Josh Sabra, who's amazing. It's actually one of the first people I interviewed for this podcast when it first aired like 39 years ago. In any case, you could search him. We talked about he was in the military and we talked about jumping. He was a paratrooper and some of the insights about confidence and courage that he learned from that. So go type in Josh Sabra in the search callback Episode two or something. It was. Anyway, still friends to this day. An amazing guy and I went and coached with him. He was running a gym at the time called Training for Warriors. And I went there and it truly did teach me, you know, that I'm a warrior. I was so afraid, you know, deadlifts are going to break my spine, lifting is going to injure me and break me and I didn't. And with his guidance and support I was able to get stronger than ever before, which was great. And then I wanted to go run more. I eventually ran a marathon the next year. Now in this time though I was like, you know what? I'm lifting weights, I'm getting stronger. I'm gonna get the physique I've always wanted and I never could have for 20 years because I was always getting injured and hurt. So I'm gonna get the six pack abs. I'm gonna get ripped and shredded and jacked and all those other words that describe how dudes want to feel and look. And I was like I'm gonna do it. And so I'm gonna fall. I watched a thousand and one YouTube videos and I'm gonna of course keep strength training and running, but I'm also going to you know, cut my. I'm gonna do a caloric deficit, I'm gonna do a cut. I'm gonna lose my body fat. I'm gonna measure my body fat percentage. I'm gonna do all this stuff. And I did and I and I tracked all my macronutrients and my caloric intake every day and all this stuff. And you know, I have whatever Apple photos on my computer where I'll take photos on my phone for six, nine months or whatever and then I'll upload a batch into my vault there and title it something and then delete them off my phone and rinse and repeat. So I got photos and Apple photos going all the way back maybe eight years or something like that and no longer, longer than that. So it was before my kids were born. So geez, oh my God, I'm still old. Anyway, there is a but I titled that segment of time though. You know, I usually title by the season like fall 2017 to summer 2018 and then I'll give them A little title that kind of captures that era of life. And I called that one the Summer of Striving because that's really what it felt like. I was striving so hard. Why? Because I wanted the outcome. I needed the outcome. I needed to get to the outcome in order to feel okay. At least that's what my psychology was. So I was impatient. I want to get there faster, so I did the cut faster. Right. And so you feel worse because you're under eating more. And then also I'm so rigid, like I need to get the results, so I gotta measure all my macros. But what if I go out to eat? I remember we went out to this, we were at some hot springs called Harbin Hot Springs with Candace and my two sons. They're probably like whatever at that age. I could figure it out, but let's just say two and four, something like that. And I remember being they serve you this amazing vegetarian food at this place. You know, tofu and tempeh and salads and grains and oats and all this stuff. Super healthy, super delicious food. And I was irritated because I was hungry and I didn't know my macros. I can't record this. It's terrible. I'm freaking out. So stressed out, so. And then worried, oh my God, am I going to get there? I need to get there. What if I don't get there? And this is what happens when we're hyper results focused. The result is not the problem. You can have a target and you could be effectively moving towards it and you can measure if you're moving towards it and if you're not, you can change what you're doing. Right? That's like, that's intelligent, that's sane. What's insane is the emotional attachment and the grasping and the impatience and the freaking out and that I need it or I'm not going to be okay, that's what happens. We get fixated on the result. Why? Because we're imbuing the result. And that's why in that sentence I said it will not bring the perma happiness. You imbue it with perma happiness. We have this fantasy, this unconscious, unspoken, totally irrational fantasy that we wouldn't even, you know, stand behind if it was highlighted out loud. But it's driving us big time. It's, I'm gonna get there and I'm just gonna feel amazing. You know, maybe you imagine like one of those pharmaceutical drug commercials where people are skipping through a meadow and there's animated butterflies and blue skies and wisps of clouds and yellow flowers and they're just like, wow, they seem so happy. I want to live in a state of perma happiness. I'll do that when I get a 9% body fat percentage. Right. Or make X amount of money or get into a relationship or, or, or whatever your outcome is, you imbue it with this thing and it's not real. That's glamour. It's this shine, the sheen. And I'm not saying you won't really like being in a relationship or you won't like the way your body looks at a certain body fat, but life's gonna still go on. You're still gonna have bills to pay and things to do and problems to solve. And you know, no one cares about your abs. You get your shirt on and no one even notices. Right? So who cares? Or maybe someone compliments you and like, wow, you look great. And you're like, thanks. Okay, anyway, back to my to do list. Right. You know, life just goes on. So it's great to create these results, but realize it's not going to be this total stop everything, I'm permanently happy life changing thing. And so what is the process is the life changing thing. So I, after that experience, stopped counting all my calories. It was, I got, got to my goal, got to whatever, you know, 9 or 10% body fat. Had the abs. Yeah. Got there and did it for a while and then was like, oh, was this all okay, that was it, huh? Yeah. Where's my perma happiness? And then I just stopped. I stopped tracking everything because it was so intense and I was so neurotic about it. It was too hard to sustain. And then I actually got really into distance running and stuff and hiking these long distances. And I stopped lift, lifting weights for a while and you know, my body reflected that. I was a little, I was very strong, very capable to go these long distances. But if you're not strength training and you're not watching, you know, tracking your calories and stuff, you don't maintain a super low body fat percentage. It just doesn't happen. So I got a little softer, you know, just a little padding. And then later, you know, about, this is about, maybe a year and a half ago now, I was at an event, actually I was teaching an in person event. And I was trying to demonstrate enthusiasm and how we can access this level of enthusiasm in our bodies for no reason. And so we were going to have people do this as an exercise and I was going to show you there's different ways to do that. And you know what happens when I was demonstrating? Like, if you're watching a sporting event, you know, on your. By yourself at home, you know, you might say something like, oh, great. But probably not. Probably totally silent. What if you're watching whatever your favorite sport is, football, basketball, baseball, soccer, it doesn't matter. And you're watching with several friends, right? And you guys. And you're getting into it. It's a little party to watch the game right now. There's, like, 10 people there. What's happening? You guys are cheering. Someone's, like, throwing popcorn around on the floor. Like, well, I got. Dude, I gotta clean that up, right? It's like, yeah, okay, cool. You're getting louder. You're getting more enthusiastic and energized, right? And then imagine you were at the stadium. Are you kidding me, man? People are chanting. I just put on a game the other day to watch a bit with my son, and I think it was Kansas City playing, somebody dominating somebody, right? These guys are beasts. And it was before the game, and you hear this stadium of whatever, 80,000 people, just all in unison chanting. It's the home game for the Chiefs, right? The super bowl champs. And it's like, guy's got his face painted red and, like, blood coming out of his nostrils just so and so into the game, right? And that's. You don't have to go that far. You don't have to be like, it's celebrating till you're bleeding, but you can bring a level of enthusiasm for no reason. And I was like, but guess what? It goes even further than that. And this is where I was at the live event, and I was, like, demonstrating, what about the players on the field? And I was like, what does a soccer player do when they score a goal? And then the audience started shouting it out. And I got swept away by the moment. I was like. And I was gonna demo it, right? So I, like, ran around the room and, like, whipped my shirt off and spun it around my head, slid on my knees and did the whole soccer goal thing, right? And it was in that moment that I kind of. After, as I was putting my shirt on, I looked down and I was like, oh, yeah. A little. Little softer than I remember. And guess who was at that event? My friend Josh. I'd invited him to participate, and he came, and it was awesome. And so actually, during that event, I went up to him at the end. I was like, hey, I want to do more coaching with you. So I signed up, worked with him for a year, and my Body had tons of muscle memory, so I was able to, you know, get strength back very quickly, muscle tone back very quickly. And then I worked with him for a year, and that was awesome. And then I started just doing my own program and training and everything on the side and. And running and hiking. And I said, you know what? I like the way I look when I'm leaner. So I'm gonna. I'm gonna get leaner, I'm gonna keep exercising and keep lifting, and I'm just gonna, you know, do a caloric deficit for a while and lose a bit of. A little bit of body fat and try to preserve as much muscle as possible. And so I chose that. That was my outcome. And this is, you know, just recently, over the last three or four months that I did this, and I was like, okay, I'm gonna track. And the whole process was radically easier. And look, if you've ever done a diet or a cut, I mean, being hungry at times is not always easy. There's some discomfort for sure, but it never had the drama that it did before, you know. So what's different? Well, I'm older and wiser, right? No, but what's different? I was being more sane. Because in that interim between 2018 and now 2019 and now I. There was something I discovered which is, well, one, I realized that getting to that result doesn't. The game is not in the result. The game is not in the outcome. The game is in the process. And I know that when I get up, in order to do this, there's all these systems you have to have in place, these habits, these disciplines, these rituals, right? Like, you got to live consistently. And for me, in my life, with two young kids and a business and a family and clients and friends and all this stuff I want to do, I need to basically lift weights first thing in the morning. And my kids got an early school, so the only time I can do it and pull it off consistently is if I wake up at 4:55am and get down to the gym and then do, you know, lift and then help them wake up and get them ready for school with my wife. So that's the best system. So there's a discipline in that. And something magical happens, though, if you do it consistently. But if you're like, yeah, but is it to get there? If it's not to get the result, then what's going to fuel me? And that's something that I discovered in the interim between these two, two experiences, is that the reason to lift weights is not to look a certain way. Looking a certain way is a cool byproduct. The. The purpose is to feel strong today, to feel powerful, to activate strength in my body. Each morning or whatever, five mornings a week, just feel like, yes, right? And it's the same thing that you can have a game, you can have a goal. I'm gonna try to lose this weight or whatever, lift this thing, or can I increase my lifts to this? But getting to that is not the whole purpose. It's. It's, you know, it's this quote, which is maybe sounds cheesy, but it is so true, which is. It's not about the outcome, it's about who you become along the way. So this maturing, this development, this strengthening, that happens, same thing for getting a girlfriend. I thought the most important thing for me when I was just starting to learn that you could build confidence, and then I wasn't doomed as a loser forever. And I want to. It was, I want a girlfriend. And yeah, I got. I got my. I did end up dating this amazing woman. She was the first one I ever fell in love with. And it was a very cool experience, but it was also very challenging experience. I was so. I wasn't like, prepared for what it was like to fall in love with someone. And she was a little less into me than I was into her, so it was so painful. Like, it'll be really amazing, these sweet moments together. And then she'd kind of be like, hey, I kind of do my own thing and distance a little bit from you. And I was like, I thought we were gonna get married. Oh, right. And I remember being so sad and so distraught. And eventually we broke up and I was depressed for like six months or a year, so. And I ended up having these, like, rebound relationships that were so messy because I was like, I'm still into my last girlfriend. I'm sorry, you're not her. So it was a very mixed experience. But who I needed to become in order to get my first girlfriend that I never lost is extraordinary. I had to grow an insane amount over about a four to six month period. I did the most social practice. Building exposure, fear inoculation, rejection practice, everything you could think of. And of course, it set me on an incredible trajectory in my life that's led me here talking to you. So. Wow. Who you become along the way is the purpose. The feeling today is the purpose. And the result is the icing on the cake. And so I set a new goal. I just did some big hikes around the mountain, mostly Mount Hood this year I didn't go to any others, actually. Other years I would go around Mount St. Helens and the Sisters in Oregon, but this year I just did Mount Hood a ton. I went out there like, I don't know, I did maybe six to eight. I call them mega hikes where I hike and run for anywhere between, you know, 20 to 45 miles, depending on what I'm doing out there. And I did all that and it was great. And I was listening to this book on the last two hikes that I did, and it was called 26 Marathons. And it was written by this guy, Meb something or other. He's a very famous runner. I didn't, I'd never heard of him, but Audible recommended it to me because, like, you like this kind of stuff. And I did and I listened to it and at first it was kind of like, oh, is this going to be any good? Like, oh, this is interesting. You know, it's him cataloging his experience over 26 marathons as a professional runner and an Olympic athlete, all this stuff. And by the end of the book, you know, it's like his last marathon and his journey and he's, you know, I'm crying listening to it. And I finish up the book, I'm on this big long hike and I'm like, I want to run another marathon. I'm all fired up about it and I'm like, but what makes the goal exciting, what makes it energized is not just doing it, but it's like, can I train my body? Because I've, I've trained for distance to go really far, but not that fast. So how do I, you know, can I, can I run a marathon fast? Can I do it in under three hours? Which to me would be very fast. I think the first one I did was about 3, 327 or something like that. The first and only marathon I've run. So I was like, well, I know I can do the distance. I, I did a, I did a 50 mile ultramarathon last year. I know I can do this, but can I? You know, what, what kind of training would I need to do to go faster? Well, it's a different kind of training, right? You have to, you have to go to your threshold. You have to not just do long, slow runs all the time. You have practice going fast or do things that get your heart rate up, which are harder. There's a part of me is like, nah, I just want to run slow and easy. And so there's a part of me that's drawn to that. Like, ooh, what's in that unknown? What happens? Who do I become when I do that kind of training? Plus, it requires a whole. I'm going to keep lifting. And so it's going to require a whole level of, you know, balance and stretching and mobility, which is something I've learned is huge. Especially I'm 42. You know, maybe people always need this, but I certainly need this is to, like, take care of my body so it can keep doing all these cool things. And so there's, like, this juice in the process. I am excited about the process. And I can tell you other stories in other areas of my life where I don't feel excited. I just want the result. I don't want to do this stuff. I just want the result. And when I see that myself, I'm like, oh, oh, oh. This. That's not gonna go well. Welcome to insanity Zone. Right? So then I'm using this as my template, saying, okay, here I am inspired. I see the purpose is the process. How do I bring that mentality, that perspective, that energy, that attitude, these other domains of life? Which brings us to your action step for Action. Action, Action. Your action step is to look at your own life. And where have you already been really engaged in the process, Seeing the process as the purpose. It naturally comes to you that way. Maybe it's a hobby. You just, you know, maybe you play an instrument. You're not like, I gotta play this song now. You're just like, man, I just love to sit down and play. And I love learning the song and figuring it out. And there's a period where I don't get it, and all of a sudden it starts to click, and it's like, ugh, it's happening, right? Maybe you. So you automatically are doing that. So find that area where you're already engaged in the process, Seeing the process as the purpose itself, because it shapes you for who you are meant to become, that next version of you. And then can you bring that. What area are you not doing that? What area are you demanding the result? Resistance to the discomfort. I don't want to do it. I just don't get there. Okay, so study that. That's your homework. That's the place to bring your attention. How do I bring what I'm doing from this area, right? Like the instrument for you, or I'm talking about with the marathon training for me, to this other area. And something powerful is gonna happen when you shift that. Cause then you'll be engaged in the process, you'll go back to full on sanity. And your results come so much smoother and easier when you do it this way, too. All right, thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're Aw.

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