The Psychology of Self-Sabotage

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Excited to be with you. Today we're going to be talking about the psychology of self sabotage. Something that, I don't know, pretty much every human is familiar with. Whether you are aware of it or not, it's affecting you and me and all of us because we all have identities. We all have a sense of ourselves and who we are and what we're capable of. And when we start to move outside of that, through growth, through circumstance, through whatever, something will kick in, try to pull us back. And that's what we're going to be looking at today. And I'm excited to share this with you because it's come up a lot in my work with people. It just recently came up and I run a mastermind program and we have people that once they've finished the first year, can move on to a second year. And they tend to be working on a lot higher level stuff in their life. Not just how do I talk to people or get dates, but really, what's the life that I want to construct? Life on your terms is what I like to call it. We look at a lot of this higher level stuff. How do I design the exact career that I want? How do I be the exact social self that I want? How do I truly feel a sense of accomplishment and joy and confidence in my work or my love and relationships? So whatever it might be, it's moving to the next level in life. And what comes up a lot is this pull or something that makes us go back. And it was coming up recently because there's a guy in the group who's working on his physical health, made some huge changes, lost a lot of weight, become a lot more active, changed his diet for the better, and he finds that once he starts to reach. I don't know the exact numbers here, but let's say about 205 is, you know, the weight and his Goal is maybe something like 180 and he's starting at, I don't know, 250 plus. But he gets down to like 205 or something like that. And he notices something starts to happen. He loses motivation or has more cheat days or struggles to carry out some of his routines. Something starts to kick in. And it happened a couple of times over the course of a year that he started to say, hmm, I wonder if this is a pattern. I like the weight because it's a very simple example, but you could be doing this in a variety of areas. For myself, I noticed that as I grow my business and it involves stepping up bigger and impacting and influencing and connecting with more and more people, there's some pull in me that wants to keep that smaller, that doesn't want to do that, that fights that. Just like there's a pull in him, that fights going below a certain weight. This can come up in romantic relationships as well. Maybe you can self sabotage by not even approaching someone you're attracted to, not even dating, really. Or an even more common way that it shows up is you do date, you do start to get close to someone, maybe you even are dating or sleep together or start to connect, and then you freak out in whatever form or freak out you like to do. My former freak out was to either instantly lose interest, but not really lose interest. Just flipped from attraction to aversion. I want to spend more time with her. I want to spend more time with her. And then all of a sudden, yeah, I got to get away, get away from me. And then I'd break up and then I'd feel this sense of like, missing and regret, like, oh, I miss her. Why did I do that? Right? It's insanity. Or just feeling anxious about hanging out together and wanting, you know, that's uncomfortable and just move away. So whatever the story is, whatever the particular flavor of freak out, there's definitely a way we sabotage what we really desire, which is that ultimate relationship, that close connection. So we want it, but then we run away from it. And I could go on and on different areas, career, business, health, finances, relationship. Maybe as I'm sharing these examples, you can think about your own life right now and even reflecting back, well, where have I done this? Where might you be doing it right now? Is there any place that I'm sabotaging myself and sabotage? Self sabotage doesn't have to mean that you take the plane and steer it into the mountain, like blow up your business or break up or lose all your money or something. I Found that it often is more of like a we just set ourselves back a little bit, we just make some poor choices. So maybe you spend a good chunk of the money or you fight with your partner for a period of time so you don't destroy the relationship. But you definitely create more distance and tension and less joy and fun and love and connection. Maybe in the case of this client, he doesn't lose his diet and just totally gain everything back, but maybe he stalls out or he gains 10, 15 pounds, something like that. We don't collapse everything, although some people do that too. And maybe you've done that, but more so we just kind of pull back a little bit, we slow down a little bit, we just mess ourselves up a little bit so we can keep going. But now we're kind of cleaning up the messes that we made. So what is going on here? What are we doing? Why do we do this? What's your sense? What's your guess? I always like to ask people that because it's like this journey of self growth and self development. Becoming your most confident self is as much about building self awareness and knowing who you are as it is about going and doing cool, bold stuff in the world. Because they're one and the same. In order to be able to do cool, bold stuff, you gotta know who you are and be self aware and overcome your inner fears and doubts and get on your own side. And at the same time, in order to really reap the benefits of that confidence and really enjoy your life, you have to know who you are. Especially because if you go out and take a bunch of bold action in the world, but you don't know why you're doing it or doesn't feel like it supports you or nourishes you in any way, it's just because you're supposed to, or you got to prove something or whatever, then that's not going to fulfill you. So we got to know who we are. What do I want to do in the world? What do I want to create? How do I want to be? What kind of connections and relationships do I want to have? And knowing who we are is going to help us do that. So you got to uncover like what's going on here? Why am I doing that? Let's see what comes to your mind right now. One of the biggest things that I found that creates this pattern is an identity issue. And a lot of the time our identity is subconscious. We're not walking around thinking or saying what our identity is consciously. So you know, someone might Say what's your favorite color? Or what do you like to eat for breakfast? You consciously know that, boom, you can just say it. Well, maybe not the favorite color. I hang out a lot with a four year old, so little kids, they know their favorite color. Her zyeem is purple, by the way. But as an adult, you might not know. You might have to think about it a little bit, but you kind of know that sort of stuff about yourself. Food you like, other things, TV shows, you like, movies, whatever. But if I were to say, what's your identity? You might just look back at me and say, uh, what? What are you talking about? I don't know. And yet that is controlling you in that moment. All day, every day, it's influencing you. So you are in a new environment, social environment, perhaps a mixer, conference, cocktail party, whatever it is. There's a lot of people around, there's a lot of mingling opportunity and you feel really restricted. You avoid interacting with people, you feel tense, you want to get out of there. What could be driving? That is an identity of I am awkward, I am shy, I am socially anxious, I am weird, I am not good at talking to people, I make awkward interactions, I bother people, whatever the stories are. But that's a subconscious identity. And then it leads to you feeling anxious and wanting to get out of there, versus if you had an identity of I'm social, I'm awesome, people love talking with me, I'm funny, I'm interesting, I'm engaging, I'm good at talking to people. If one or any of those was a part of your identity, you might have a very different experience. You might start to move towards people, you might be more free and open. So the identity shapes how we show up in an environment, right? That's not just that one moment in your life though, that micro moment of the environment. It's the macro too. It is in life. What do you do, what choices do you make? What do you take on, also influenced by your identity. So in the case of this client with his weight, somewhere in his subconscious, there's an identity of I'm a fat guy, or at least £200 plus, right? Which for him is overweight. So that's his identity. Even though he might not even think that's his identity. And why is that his identity? Well, maybe because he has done that for many, many, many years, maybe it's safe to have that identity. In fact, we started to uncover what would happen if you got down to that weight. What do you imagine would get there? And I'll share his answer in just a minute because it's really interesting. But let's look at this identity thing just a little bit more before we do that. You might have an identity of what, the level of love, your worth. I'm worthy of just an awesome loving relationship with an amazing person who supports me and shares with me and challenges me and grows with me. You are worthy of that as part of the identity or not. Another core piece of identity that shows up a lot in relationships is I am like all of me. I am lovable or I'm not lovable. It's a basic distinction, but it makes a huge difference. And that was a big part of my pulling away either from anxiety or losing interest, which that's how it seemed to me. But subconsciously what was happening is I was scared. I even had a girlfriend tell me that. She said, like, I think you're scared of like just being with someone and being known. And at the time I was like, not true. She's wrong, she's wrong. I'm not scared. I just don't like her anymore. Just lost interest, that's all. But truth is, I was scared. I'm not worthy was my identity. I'm not worthy of love. And so if you know, sure, the bright shiny me who's on and funny and whatever, yeah, okay, great, that's worthy of love. But what about the me who's tired? What about if you're in a long term relationship with someone, the one that shows up sometimes, right? You're tired or you're sad, or you're scared or you're overwhelmed, you're angry, you're not in a peak awesome state. And I had a deep, deep fear about authentically being myself and how that would instantly lose love. I'm not worthy as I am. It's not okay for me to be me. And I had to do a lot of growth work, particularly in groups of revealing more and more of who I was, who I am, and seeing that, no, no, no, that's fundamentally okay, people still like me, people still want to be around me, people still want to be my friend or work with me or date me. So I retrained myself. But this identity piece is huge. And for this client, you know, when I asked him, so what's going to happen when you hit this magical weight of 180? And he said, it's ridiculous. But a part of me thinks I'm going to have some amazing experience where all my problems are solved in life. I'm going to be all fit and Just physically awesome. Therefore, I'm going to be really successful in my business and my relationship is going to be going amazingly. It's all going to lock into place once I lose that last pound. Everyone, including him, everyone in the group kind of smiled and laughed because we knew how ridiculous it is. But we also kind of identified with it a lot. It's like, oh yeah, I do that too. Whether it's weight or money or a certain job or a certain relationship, it's this fantasy. If I'm going to get into this thing, I'm going to achieve this thing or get to this point and then I'm just going to feel total relief in my life because all these major problems will either be solved or just go away. And there's something about that that we know is not true, but it's very. It simplifies things and allows him to focus and obsess on his weight instead of looking at the problems in his business and solving them, because that's way more uncomfortable. Instead of looking at the challenges in his relationship and how to overcome them, instead of looking at the challenges with the way he manages his time. Those are different things. But in order to create an extraordinary life, you have to actually address all those things. One thing is not going to magically solve everything else. But there's something really fascinating that I also see about this identity and self sabotage thing is we on some level want to keep pulling back because we want to keep playing level one. So let me share what I mean. When I was a kid, I loved the Nintendo game, the original NES game, Kung Fu. I don't know if you played Kung Fu. It was pretty rad. So it's a side scroller. You're this little guy, I think your name is Thomas. And you have a white shirt with black sleeves, black hair and a little black dot for an eye. And you're walking across this like. I don't know, you're climbing one of those like ancient Chinese buildings that have like the curly roofs and the dragon architecture and the pillars and stuff. I don't know if you can envision what I'm saying, but you're walking along and it has this music that goes. Like. I think that's the whole song again and again and again. This is making me want to play it. You got to find an emulator. But I. And then you side scroll and then you punch. And every time you punch, you make a sound. It goes, huh, huh, huh. And every time you kick, it makes a sound and it's like it's a little deeper sound for the kick, of course. And there's just guys flying at you left and right. They just run at you and you punch them and then they fly off the building. You're just punching the hundreds of guys. And you get to the end of level one and it's the first boss. I don't remember who the first boss is. Someone basic, right? And then you beat that boss and then you go up the stairs to level two. Now the entire game only has five levels. At the end of level five, you fight Mr. X, who is the son of a bitch who kidnapped your girlfriend. I forget her name. Maybe Sylvia. And then you, at the end of every level you see Sylvia like tied to a chair and Mr. X saying like ha ha ha, you'll never make it to me. And of course you defeat, you know like the wizard and the boomerang boss and the big tall guy and eventually gets Mr. X. And you defe him. He's disappointingly easy by the way. And the game is done. But in the beauty of Nintendo, the game doesn't end when you've completed the fifth level. It just starts again. I think it was harder on the second iteration. I don't know. In any case, that's the game. And when I was hearing some of the guys in the Mastermind talk about their self sabotage, it hit me. I was like, wait a minute. We on some level want to keep playing level one because we're familiar with it, because we know we can do it because it's easier, it's safer. So level one for this client is losing weight from like 220 pounds down to 205. 220 down to 205. It's the same 15 pounds he's gained and lost many times, right? So I can do that. And he gets to 205. And it's like I don't know who that person is. I've never been that. Or it's been like since, you know, it's been 20 years since I've been that guy. I don't know who that is. Let me pull back into the more familiar identity. And that's like getting to the end of level one and then losing to the boss on purpose and then starting level one again and then being like haha, I'm ready for level one now. And you defeat all the guys, you get to the boss and then you lose on purpose and you go back to the beginning of level one. And we can be doing this again and again and again and again. Date another person Break up, date another person, Break up, date another person, Break up. Gain the weight, lose the weight. Gain the weight, lose the weight. Earn the money, spend the money. Earn the money. Spend the money, earn the money, Lose the money. Earn the money, lose the money. Right? So we can get stuck in these cycles. And on some level we want that. It's familiar, it's easy, it's safe. But. But just because it's easy and familiar to safe does not mean it's good for us because ultimately we don't want to just keep playing level one. Don't you want to get to level two? And look, there's level two, there's level three, there's level four, there's level five, there's level six, there's level seven, there's level infinity. And each level is progressively different, perhaps more challenging. There's different variables, there's new skills to learn. It's uncomfortable. So I was playing level one again and again when it came to dating and relationships and just getting close, breaking up, getting close, breaking up, getting close, breaking up. But then I'm missing out on the whole juice of life when it comes to love and connection and relationship. So level two would be, well, maybe you settle into a longer term relationship. Maybe level three is like a deep lifelong commitment where, hey, we're going to live together, we're going to be married, or you didn't have to be married, we could just be lifelong partners. And then maybe level four is, hey, do you want to create a family together? And then level five would be like raising that family together or having those first children in infancy and young years, which I guess is where I am with Candace right now. And then what's beyond that? I don't know. Level six, childhood, whatever grade school years. And level seven is they're teenagers. And this whole time you're, I mean, that's a whole other thing where you're the parents, but there's the relationship between me and her at each of those stages. And each one has its own challenges, its own things to overcome, its own discomforts, uncomfortable conversations to have challenges to overcome. And there's some part of us that can want to avoid life really by staying at level one. So the question I have for you is, where are you staying at level one right now in your life and noticing that. And then what we need to do is we need to get out of the repetition by creating a compelling future. So instead of just repeating the same level again and again, you want to look to like, what is that level 5 or level 10. What is that incredible compelling future that might be far away, but man, that inspires me. Man, that excites me. Yes, I want that in whatever area it is for you. Like for this client that I was talking about. Really envisioning what is 180 pounds of fit, active, alive energy look like, feel like, smell like, like what do you do in the morning? How do you move your body? What kind of activities do you engage in? How do you play with your kids? What do you look like when you're 85 years old? What kind of activities are you doing when you're 85 years old? Like, we want to flush out this vision. That's the exact homework assignment I gave him. I'm very excited because tomorrow is our next group call. So I'm going to find out, he's going to report back to the group what his vision is for ultimate health. Because when you have that, you have something compelling. Now you have something reason to go beyond level one, reason to climb up to the next level. A reason to go beat the shit out of Mr. X. If only love and relationships was that simple. You just gotta beat up the bad guy and then all your problems are solved. Okay, let's look at how you're gonna put this into action in your life. So now it's time for your action step. Time for action, action, action. Your action step is to create that compelling future for you. So pick one area of your life, preferably one where you self sabotage or be holding yourself back again. It doesn't have to be steering the plane into the mountain and creating a big mess in your life. It's just you're holding yourself back. Maybe you know you can grow a business, but you're just sort of stagnant at a very small sustainable level and you're just getting by, but you just keep repeating the same level again and again and again and again. Get the clients, lose the clients. Get the clients, lose the clients. Struggle, struggle, struggle. Get some clients, lose the clients. That's a common one I've seen in the coaching industry. But what is it for you? Maybe it's your career, maybe it's your health, like this client I was talking about. Maybe it's your love life, maybe it's your finances. Pick something and then you're going to take some time, go for a walk, do it in a journal. But what is that compelling future for that area of your life? The more you flush it out, the more you put energy into this now, the more it's going to serve you so much later on. This is one of the best investments of your time you can make. So cut out a little bit of TV shows or dinking around on social media and just do this for yourself. Give yourself this gift because this is what's going to give you momentum, enthusiasm, passion, energy, focus. What is that big vision for you? What is that compelling future in this area of your life that is your action step for today. Go rock that until we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Azeez. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com it.