Dr. Aziz (speaker) explains that the primary reason people avoid saying "no" is internal: they feel they lack permission to do so because they equate "no" with being bad, mean, or wrong. He argues that reclaiming permission to say no—reframing it as an act of self-service—enables skillful, courageous boundary-setting even when others may be upset.
There is one key reason why you're not saying no in the situations where you want to and need to and no. It's not that you're scared of someone being upset with you. No, it's not that you don't know how to do it in a skillful way. These are the top level concerns and reasons why. I hear from clients all the time. But there is one reason underneath. It's the real reason why you are not saying no. You want to know what it is? It's that deep down you do not have permission to say no. No is a dirty thing, a wrong thing, a bad thing, a mean thing to do. And if you perceive something is bad or wrong, you're not going to want to do it right, because deep down you want to be a good person. And so right now you've wired up that no is hurtful, it's mean, it's wrong. And so you don't give yourself that permission. So the key to having the courage to do it, even if they're going to get upset, the key to knowing how to do it skillfully, all starts with you right now, claiming permission to give yourself no and to upgrade your mindset to see that no is actually an act of service to you and to those around you.
