16 Jun 2026 · 12 min
In this solo podcast episode Dr. Aziz explains why many people freeze instead of speaking up, introducing the "avoider" as one of four approval patterns he has identified over 15‑20 years of coaching. He argues that the issue is not a lack of confidence or willpower but a threat response wired into the nervous system that tags potential disapproval as danger. The avoider manifests both as early‑stage social anxiety—avoiding introductions, networking, dating, or posting ideas—and as later‑stage relational avoidance, where once a connection is formed the individual withholds needs, preferences, or criticism to keep the peace. This creates mounting resentment, feelings of being trapped, and long‑term professional and personal stagnation (being ignored at work, missing promotions, loneliness despite being surrounded by people). Dr. Aziz emphasizes that attacking oneself with willpower only adds threat, and instead proposes a compassionate, consistent rewiring process. He outlines a three‑step core practice (not detailed in the excerpt) and invites listeners to a 2‑minute quiz and free training on his website (www.draziz.com) to identify their dominant approval type and learn how to shift the avoider pattern. The episode ends with a challenge to test small speaking‑up moments to discover that feared outcomes often do not materialize.
Chapters
There's a conversation that you need to have. Maybe you need to ask someone for something or tell someone no, or tell them something that's bothering you. This could be professionally or personally, and you know you need the conversation. You've been thinking about it, maybe even rehearsed what you're gonna say in your own mind. And then you get into that moment and you don't say anything. This moment passes. Ah, now's not the right time. Ah, it's gonna bother them. They're not in the right mood. Is it even that big of a deal? I probably shouldn't say anything. And then the moment passes and it seems like you just dodged a bullet, right? There's a part of you that feels like it was dangerous to speak up in that situation. This isn't a confidence issue. This is a threat in your nervous system issue. This is in your wiring. And that's why if you've ever tried to just push through and just do it, how often does that work? Maybe you could pull it off once, but you're gonna discover exactly why you can't just push through, and that's gonna help you stop beating yourself up about it and actually learn what's gonna be most effective in shifting this and, and why this pattern keeps happening despite your best intentions. And if you're wondering what this pattern is, I, I've a name for it. I call it fittingly enough, the avoider. And it's one of the 4 approval patterns or approval types that I've seen in doing this work for the last 15 to 20 years with clients, depending on when you count my start date. And I've seen over the, over the years, whether I help people with social anxiety or people pleasing or holding back what they really want to say, fear of putting themselves out there, fear of judgment, imposter syndrome, that underneath all of these, there's 4 ways that we hold ourselves back when we're not sure if we're going to get a negative response or disapproval. And the avoider is one of the dominant ways. And I lived as the avoider myself for a decade of my life. 10 years avoider to the max. And the avoider shows up both in the beginning of interactions and relationships and also once you're deeper in that interaction or relationship. So the way it shows up in the beginning, and this is what I lived in for many years, is what you might think of as more classic shyness or social anxiety, where it's just like, go and walk over to those people that I don't know? No. You know, go approach, introduce myself, whether it's professionally networking. Dating, just go say, jump into that group of people. Are you crazy? It's gonna go badly. And so you avoid stepping into opportunities. You avoid the risk of going into the uncertainty of social situations, whether that's those simple examples that I gave, but it could also be larger social environments like in the general workplace. And if you post something or share your idea, you know, we live online in so many ways now. So how much you put out there, that we could avoid that too, right? And all what's behind all of that, first of all, The first layer of avoidance is what's going to come back my way is going to be judgment, is going to be disapproval, is going to be dislike. And I don't know if I can deal with that. You might consciously know you can deal with that. Like, who cares if so-and-so judges me? But your body, your nervous system, the different parts of your brain that you're not totally aware of, your limbic system is like, "Tagged as a threat. We're not going to do it." And that's why we try to just push through. So just go talk to those people. Come on. And I really want you to slow down and listen to this here because this is profound if you really get it. What I'm telling you is that your system feels under threat. Does that make sense? Are you with me so far? That there's something about that interaction that could feel threatening or dangerous, otherwise you just go do it. And then the way we try to get ourselves to do it is we bring this intensity that's like, come on, what's wrong with you, right? It's almost like a parent on the side of a basketball court or soccer field who's just like, why did you miss that shot? Come on, go for it again, make it next time. Is that kid gonna be, uh, crushing it on the court or is he gonna be playing scared? And so if you think about your nervous system is in threat and then attack yourself to try to get yourself to do something, that's going to stack more threat in your nervous system. Because now if I don't do it, I not only have to have the discomfort of missing out, but now I also have the discomfort of this voice in my head just berating me. So that will never work. And that's why I have a saying, which is you cannot beat yourself into confidence or authenticity or freedom or being fully alive. It just doesn't work. And then once that initial phase passes, let's say you somehow do get into connection with somebody, maybe you work together, you're in the environment, or you pushed through and somehow you're friends with them or you work with them or you're in a romantic relationship, even dating, and then something comes up, something bothers you. There's a friction there and you'll feel it, but the permission to say something is often not there. And this comes back to our old conditioning, what I call our nice conditioning, where you learn if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. You also might have learned directly or indirectly that you having needs, you having a preference, you wanting something, that's like a burden or a bother. Put that away. Or the other side, you not liking something, not wanting something. Well, that's criticism. That's rude. That's not being grateful enough. You should put that away, fix that. And these are the unconscious stories and programming that are running the ship day to day, which is why if you're the avoider type, say, okay, I'm going to have that conversation, and then you don't, and we get frustrated with ourselves. We don't see the underlying machinery, but you got to see the underlying machinery if you're really going to set yourself free, because this isn't just a willpower push-through problem. I work with a lot of people that are very powerful willpower, push through. They've done so much in their life despite these challenges. But you can't— this is like a wiring issue, right? It's almost like if you imagine wiring a house and you got some faulty wiring in there, like one light switch you flick on turns a different light on than the room you're in. And you're like, "I know how we're gonna fix this. We're gonna bulldoze the wall down." Right? It's the wrong solution. We need to carefully, consistently, compassionately, and with love and inner authority, Rewire a new approach, which is exactly what I teach people how to do. In this case, you got that deeper relationship and then you hold back there. And now it's not just, oh, I missed out on those new friends or that new date. Now we start to get into more serious suffering and maybe even dysfunction where now there's resentment that's been pooling inside and I can't say it because that's gonna rock the boat. But then the resentment gets bigger. So then whatever I wanna bring up is gonna get more charged, right? You ever had that where you hold it back and it might've been a small thing? I always tell people, It's like that old adage, when's the best time to plant a tree? 20 years ago. When's the second best time to plant a tree? Now, right? And it's the same thing when it comes to having that conversation, being assertive, saying what needs to be said. It's ideal to do it right in that moment. It's so— the monster hasn't grown, but we can't use as an excuse because then we're like, well, I didn't say in the moment, I guess I'll never bring it up, right? No, the next best time is now. But in that moment, if we could say, hey, hold on a second, I think something's happening here. It seems like the way you're talking to me is like you're upset, or— but I don't, I don't I would like you to treat me with more respect. You can't say that to people. That's not allowed, right? Oh, really? Or you might say, that's not gonna work. You don't understand. I can't tell you how many people I work with, they're avoider types, and then they don't have the conversation. And then when we explore having the conversation, what's happening is their nervous system is in fear. And what do we do when we're in fear? Do we say, hmm, let me get creative. Let me get centered. Let me think of all the possible ways this could work out. No, right? It's a false evidence appearing real. We're like, it's gonna go bad. It's gonna go bad. Doom, doom, doom. And that's not reality. That's their nervous system trying to protect them. But the truth is, you can say all kinds of things. You can ask for things. You could say no to people. And what you'll find is that when you do some of those things, the storm that you imagine is coming your way is not coming your way. I remember this surprised me because I remember I lived as a waiter for many years and I'm not going to have those deeper conversations. Also severely limited my ability to have deeper relationships. In fact, I was incapable. Of having a deep intimate relationship romantically. So even though I overcame some of that initial shyness, was able to put myself out there, be more bold, connect, date, have women that are interested in being in a relationship with me, as soon as we got into a relationship, about past the first couple of dates, it would be the beginning of the end because I could never express anything about what I wanted different than what was happening. If I didn't like something and would prefer something else, I didn't know how to do that either. And I didn't have permission to do these things. Even if she asked me, my job was to actually read her and determine what I think she wanted to hear and then say that. That was my preference. My preference is whatever I think you would want my preference to be. I don't know why I suffered so much, really. It seems like a good life strategy, doesn't it? Good relationship strategy. It's not. It's terrible. And it was the death of them. So then what happens is I would feel this mounting, I got to get out of here feeling. And so avoiders often experience relationships as traps that they have to get out of. It's like we hunger for it because we hunger for authentic connections. We're like, I miss, I love, I want to date, I want to have friends, and we move towards it. Maybe you overcome that initial fear and you create it and then you start to get into it. You're like, I got to get into a relationship. It's going to be great. And then you get into one, you're like, I got to get out of this relationship. I'm trapped. And the trapped is actually all the limitations you placed on yourself, the lack of permission you've given yourself to have the conversation that you need to have. Ultimately, to allow yourself to be seen and known. And this is what the avoider must really get to set yourself free, is that relationships, connections are not about keeping everything smooth and making sure there's no friction and that no one's upset with you ever. And then you can, it's like flying under the radar. And if you fly under the radar at work, you'll be ignored. You won't be promoted. You won't go into leadership. You won't earn more money. You won't have opportunity. You'll just kind of hang out. If you fly under the radar in your social life, you won't have that many friends, you won't have that many dating opportunities. And it's not 'cause of the stories you tell yourself of, "Oh, I'm not smart enough. Oh, I'm ugly. Oh, this." That's not reality at all. It's because you are flying under the radar and you're doing something that I did for many years, which is you're trying to be invisible in plain sight. And it's a survival strategy. And I'd say most significantly, when you try to fly under the radar in your real relationships with people, your close friendships, with your family, with your loved ones, with your spouse or your partner, then you experience the greatest pain of all, which is to be lonely amongst people. Where the people around you don't even really see and know who you are because you've prioritized getting approval and avoiding disapproval over actually being seen and known. But being seen and known is the only way to experience true connection, true love, true intimacy in life. And so, so many people that I work with that have done the avoidance pattern for so long, they don't really have that. And then they might even tell themselves a story, which I did, which is, I'm incapable of that. There's something wrong with me. I really thought that. I mean, after years of trying to date, I overcame my initial fear. I can go I could talk to him and I could— and yet this pattern keeps happening again and again and again. And I felt crazy because I'd be like, I like you, I'm into you. And then we get closer together. I'm like, I gotta get away from you. I'm freaking out. And it happened again and again and again and got to the point where I was like, I don't even want to approach this person. I don't want to go on a date because I know what's gonna happen. It's gonna be so painful. And I thought, man, there's something wrong with me. I think my capacity for connection is broken or something. And I didn't see this for many, many years. But now you are seeing this. And if you relate to this, if you resonate with this, and you want to take it further, go to my website, www.draziz.com. First of all, you can take a 2-minute quiz to discover if your approval type is indeed the avoider, because we often have a dominant type that might be yours. But then so much more. How do you actually work with this? How do we actually change this? And I have an in-depth training you can go through for free that teaches you the 3 steps, the 3 core practices you can do that will fundamentally change this in your life. So if you want to find out that, go to www.draziz.com. And remember— The challenge for you, my invitation for you is that next time that you're like, oh, it's going to go bad, I don't want to do it, whatever the story is, what if you asked, I wonder what would actually happen? Let's find out. And leaned in. Make it something small. You don't have to go jump off the high dive, but find a small opportunity to say, I wonder what actually will happen, and test out reality. You might just surprise yourself.
