The Real Secret To Self-Confidence & Self-Esteem

There is one secret to self confidence. A feeling of self worth, self esteem. And this secret is so simple that when you hear it, your initial reaction might be, I don't know about all that. Where's the next video? It's got to be more complicated than that. It doesn't have to be more complicated than this. I've seen so many clients in my life. When they really get this, it's like a light goes off in their eyes and they're like, wait a minute, that's what you were telling me all along. I'm like, yes, yes, now you're getting it. And hopefully when you watch this video, you're going to get it too. I'm Dr. Aziz, I'm the founder of the center for Social Confidence and the author of six best selling books on confidence. And if you want more, make sure you click down below to subscribe to this and hit the little bell notification so you can know when the next videos come out. Because the more of these that you watch, the more confident you become, the more free you're going to become. And hopefully you'll get the fundamental distinctions. Like, I'm going to share in this video right now. So the biggest problem with social confidence and the fear of approaching people and social anxiety is a feeling of not being worthy. And you might have a specific reason for it, you might have no reason for it. It's just, I feel less than, he's better looking, she's more beautiful, they're smarter, they're funnier, they're more this. And I'm not confident enough, I'm rich enough, I'm not attractive enough, I'm not interesting enough, whatever it is. You kind of see yourself as like a bottom of the totem pole everywhere you go in life. And people will have compensation strategies. Okay, I'm going to get better, I'm going to get richer, I'm going to get fitter, I'm going to get cooler, and then, and then, and then. And somehow it never quite works out. Or your confidence is very conditional, maybe up and down, like, oh, I did well that day, well the next day it didn't. And you got to hustle all day long to build that confidence. And when I start to highlight this to people, I say, look, here's the phrase I often use. Confidence is an inside job. The reason you feel like you're at the bottom of the totem pole everywhere you go in the room and why people ignore you or people don't seem attracted to you or whatever it is or don't respect you. It's because on some level you don't believe you're respectable, you don't believe you're attractive, you don't believe you're interesting. And not only that, but you're fighting for that belief. And I'll do this all the time with clients, so tell me, you know I'm not interesting. I'll say, well, tell me more. Why not? Well, this and that. You were interesting and what would make you interesting? And they're kind of like, I don't know, I don't buy it. I'm, you know, and they'. They just. It doesn't seem right. I'm gonna fight for this old story. Why? Why do we do it? Because if you thought you were interesting, you put yourself out there. And social anxiety is about nothing more than a defense against life, against connection, against opening yourself. It's a guarded, defended stance that says, I don't want to experience pain in life, and so I'm gonna shut down from life. And if you really believe that you were amazing, that you did have something to offer, then you'd open back up to life. So that's why you believe the whole false story in the first place. I remember there's this woman that I was working with and she just like, okay, I'm gonna learn. I'm gonna practice to, to get more on my own side. That's a book I wrote, it's called On My own side. It teaches you how to end that self criticism and actually start to love who you are. And so she was working on it and she was practicing it. Remember I did this exercise with her and she was frustrated because she went into a social situation and she was afraid again. And inside she's just so upset with herself. Like, I don't like you. What's wrong with me? And so I was doing this exercise with her of helping her access more self compassion. How do you relate to that fear part? How do you be with yourself when you're scared and was angry and frustrated and this and that. And I said, well, let's just imagine you spoke to that part like you did to one of your nephews or nieces. She had these children in her life of her sister that she absolutely loved and she was so sweet with them. And I experimented with her talking to herself that way. And it was just so cold and clinical. When she got to herself, like for their niece or nephew, she could pour love like, how you doing? And it's okay. With herself, it was like, well, I guess, you know, you should pull it together. And so she was efforting and trying hard on herself. And then one day, something clicked, and she came to one of our group calls, and she said, you know, I just realized how for years, I've been telling myself, like, I'm not enough, and I'm this and I'm bad at this, and they're better at that. And I just realized this week that this is who I am. This is the body I have. This is the person that I am in this life. And I could go through my whole life waiting for it to be better and telling myself it's not enough, or I could just decide right now that I'm awesome. And I hear you say that all the time to Aziz, that you're. That we're awesome, and for us to know that. And I realized I can just decide that. That I am worth it, and I'm awesome and I'm lovable, and then I can just approach people like that. I was like, yes, yes. Because we're all waiting. For what? For someone to tell you that you're awesome. Tell you that you're lovable. Even when people do, it doesn't even stick, does it? Your partner, someone that's dating you, says, you're amazing, I love you. And I'm like, oh, thanks. That feels good. But it doesn't really penetrate deep down in there, or you get accolades at work. You're smart, you're interesting, you're capable. Well done on this presentation. And instead of being like, yeah, I guess I'm intelligent, I'm capable. We're like, don't let it in. And we're just. We're containing and protecting this little nugget of. Of what? Of unworthiness. Just let it go. You get to decide. You raise your hand and say, I'm ready. I. Here I am life. I'm going to put down this defense, and I'm going to open up. What if you're already enough? What would you go do? What would you go practice? And the more you practice those things, the more you act as if you are enough, the more life will open up to you and give you so much more opportunity than you could ever imagine. And it all starts with you making a fundamental decision. In the book. Almost on my own side, I call it the decision of a lifetime. Because when you make this, it changes your entire life. And again, I'm speaking not just from working with clients, 100% from personal experience. I lived my life as a loser, as unattractive, as unworthy, as not interesting. And it sucks. And it just goes on and on and on and on. And then eventually you can make a decision and. Just blew my mind when I saw the same thing that this client I was telling you about saw. It's like, wait a minute. I could just walk into that group of people and know that I'm worthy and act as if I'm worthy and interact like I am, and no one jumps out of the bushes and says, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You. You. You don't belong here. You're not worthy. Now, look, even if someone says no to you, even if someone rejects you, if you know that you're worthy, you know that you're awesome. You keep going to the next one, the next one, next one, and you have more connection and more love than you know what to do with in your life. So share down below in the comments what you're finding most valuable. I want to hear how this is affecting you. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.