The Reverend Story

Have you ever felt nervous before giving a talk? Have you done the talk or speech and then felt bad or uncomfortable or embarrassed or ashamed afterwards? Did you ever want a certain outcome so bad and then when you didn't get it, you just felt terrible? If so, then you're a human and you are going to learn how to deal with each of those scenarios and how to break free of them and how to just come to a deeper place of self acceptance and courage and power so that stuff does not stop you from getting out there and doing it again and again and better and better. And that's all gonna be contained inside of the Reverend Story coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon. Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your Dr. Azeez. Welcome to today's episode of the show. Excited to be with you here today. And if you want to jump into the conversation, call me on the studio hotline, 206-338-3176. That's 206-338-3176. You can also go to facebook.com social confidence and that's where you can jump into the conversation, share what you're learning, what you're experiencing, challenges, sticking points, and we can all support each other to more confidence, more badassness. Also, go to shrinkforthshyguy.com to check out more about the show. You can get show notes there as well as send me a message through that site as well. Today we're going to get into the Reverend Story. Now the Reverend Story is something personal from my own life and I want to share it with you because there's so many lessons in there about what can get us stuck, what can make us feel anxious or self doubt or self critical, how to work with it, how to break free of it and ultimately just how to love ourselves more is one of the elements of the story. Another reason I want to share it is because I want to highlight how all of this stuff that I teach, I'm still working on myself and that this illusion or idea that someone out there maybe you've put that on me. I know I've put that on other people. Teachers of mine where I'm like, oh, they got it all figured out, man, I just got to be more like them or oh, they don't struggle with this anymore because they're so great. And that's why I wanted to share this story is, well, I am great, but so are you. We're all great and we're all still working on our shit, right? So this is why I wanted to kind of highlight this. And it's fun and interesting. So the reverend story, it's a story of glory, attachment, hubris, and ultimately liberation. So sit back and enjoy. Let's dive into it. So basically, I am a reverend. I am from the church of the Internet. Oh, yes. The Universal Life Church, or whatever it is. You go on and you fill out a form and you pay them 10 bucks, and you are then ordained to do weddings and other stuff like that. And the first time I even did that is because a good friend of mine from high school and college approached me when he was getting married and said, hey, will you marry me and my wife? And I was really surprised. I'd never done anything like that before, and I was honored. I said, wow, that's really cool. Thank you. I was very excited about it. So this was a number of years back, and on the flight over there, I sat down and I wrote with my journal. And I just like, okay, what would I want to say? And. And I just poured my heart into it. And they also gave me an outline of how to do the rest of the ceremony. So they helped me out. And then I got there and actually fell ill. Had some sort of horrible, instant rapid decline onset of food poisoning or something. I remember we were in this big supermarket called Fred Meyer, which is out on the. In the east coast or Midwest, wherever they were. Detroit area, I guess. That's Midwest. And we were walking around the store, me and my wife and a few other people, and I started looking around. It's this big box department store, like a Target or a Walmart. And I was looking around and I was like, man, you know, after you've run for a really long time, you kind of want to put your. You want to kind of bend over and put your hands, like, right above your knees and start breathing more heavily. I wanted to do that. And I looked around and I was like, this store has a terrible lack of benches and seating. So I remember I went out and I sat on the curb, and then I wanted to lay down on the sidewalk. I was like, what's happening to me? And then I just barfed all night long. It was terrible. It was horrible. I was so sick. And his family, he and his wife and all their family are all doctors. So they're like, coming in throughout the night, like, you're missing the reception dinner. Are you okay? And I'm like, no, I'm not okay. And at one point, the bride's mom is a family medicine doctor. She comes in, she's like, yeah, you're fine. It's food poisoning. It'll pass. And then my friend comes in later and he's like, I have an injection that will help you with a nausea. Do you want it? And I was like, what the fuck? Where did you get an. We're like, out at a beach house. Like, what are you. Where'd you get this? Do you travel with this stuff? And he's like, do you want it or not? I was like, okay. So he injected me with this thing. And, dude, it was the worst choice ever. I got so much worse. I was like. Then it was like, burning vomit and. I don't know, Joe. Anyway, I made it through the next day. I felt like I stopped throwing up. I was just really weak. And the wedding was at like 4pm or something, and I was still in bed, man. I didn't. It was like, like, noon. And people were coming in and were like, are you gonna be able to do this? And I was like, yeah, yeah, totally. I can do it. And so it's like two o'. Clock. And when I'm lying in bed, I'm just, like, rehearsing what I want to say and getting prepared for it. And then eventually, it's about an hour before it's gonna start, and I grab my phone and go to YouTube and I start playing the final countdown. And if, you know, that sound even hits by Journey or something, I don't know, maybe not. It's the final countdown. And I started just playing that again and again, getting myself pumped up. And I get out there, I'm a little shaky and whatever, but it's beautiful. It's on some. I think it's one of the Great Lakes is where we did it, on a beach. And I just shared. It was really from my heart. And I talked about love and sort of the commitment that comes with diving into loving all of someone and married them. And it was awesome. It was incredible. I just felt really free and shared. And no one there knew what I do for a living, really. All my friends were from earlier in life. They don't know that I talk and speak and train and teach for a living. And so afterwards, everyone was amazed. The bride's father, who funded the whole wedding, was very skeptical of them having their high school buddy marry them. And so he was very wary and skeptical. And he came up afterwards and he shook my hand. He was like, that was very powerful. Thank you. And then for the rest of the night, the rest of the reception. Random people were just coming up to me and being like, that was incredible. That was awesome. Thank you so much. And I was just like, yeah, I'm the man. You know, just riding high. This is so great. I'm so happy. I love them and everyone's appreciating me, and I'm, you know, so I got a lot of love, but I also got a lot of significance. Right? So incredible. You might be listening to this and being like, wait a minute. I thought this was a story of getting attached and being nervous and having a hard time. Like, what the fuck? He's just bragging. This is the setup, my friend. This is the setup. This is the glory part of the tale. And then we know how it goes from there. But anyway, so that was my first experiencing of reverending. And then I was approached a couple years later, just recently, by another friend who was at that wedding who said, hey, I want you to marry me. I mean, that was awesome what you did. So can you come do that for us? And of course, I said, you know, yeah. Do I want a repeat of that experience? Hell, yeah. And so I agreed. And then we enter into chapter two of the story, which is going to come right after this. We're going to take a quick break and. And then get back into chapter two of the reverend story. Hey, what's up, J dawg? Sup, Wizzy? Nothing. Hey, man, I just saw this video on YouTube from this pickup artist dude. He says he slept with 40,000 women. Damn. I know. He said, if you want to hook up, you have to make fun of women so they want you. I can dig it. Word. I'm gonna try it now with her. Check this out. Hey, how you doing?

I'm doing okay.

Cool. Cool. Your shirt is really big. It doesn't fit you very well.

What a mean thing to say, Jerk.

Yeah, it looks like the kind of shirt a woman who is much fatter than you are would wear.

Get away from me.

Okay. How'd it go, man? Pretty good. She talked with me for, like, 30 seconds. Damn. That's a long time, man. Did you get her number? Almost, but then she had to go. Damn. Are you tired of pickup artist tactics and approaches that don't feel genuine? 30 days to dating Mastery teaches you proven confidence building principles to increase your confidence with women, all while being yourself. No manipulative tactics needed. Go to 30days to datingmastery.com to get your copy today. Welcome back. So here we are. I'm gonna go to officiate a second wedding and after the first one, I was a demigod. I was Thor, right? I was the man. So I'm coming into it like, yeah, I got this man. And so I didn't prepare anything. And I said, I'll just prepare it on the plane, right? That's what I did last time. Stick with what works. However, I didn't factor in. Now I was traveling with a year and a half old toddler. And I don't know if you have kids or if you've done that, but holy shit, you don't have any downtime to be writing a speech. At least we didn't. And we're flying, it's multiple flights. We're flying from Portland to Pensacola, Florida, and we're traveling layover in Dallas. I mean, it's just like full on day of travel with a little kid. So I didn't get a chance. And then when I got there again, still taking care of a kid. So I had to kind of. I went to the beach. But I did, I had some time and I created something that I thought was really heartful. I actually talked with my wife. She's amazing. She's a teacher too. And we talked about love and marriage and kind of ways to highlight some of the. The gifts in the relationship that are not necessarily automatic, they don't come by default. But if you take on these certain practices, how you can have just an incredible relationship, which is what we have. And so I wanted to share that with this couple that was getting married and everyone there at the wedding. So I wrote it, I was excited about, was very good. And then I realized, like, oh man, I gotta memorize this. And that's not how I work. If you're listening to this, I don't have a script for any of these podcasts, any of my programs. I'll just take bullet points, I'll write a few sentences out. Like, for this episode, I wrote out first Reverend Gig Demigod. And that's enough for me to know, like, oh, yeah, I'm gonna talk about the first one. But for this thing, I was like, I gotta memorize something. So I make sure I deliver it. And I was trying to memorize it and I didn't have that much time. And I was on the beach and then I had to go help my wife with my kid. And then. Anyway, long story short, I sort of. I got it down, but I didn't have it, like, really ingrained in there. And then we get to. And I'm really nervous too. I'm more nervous, way more Nervous this time than I was last time, which is really interesting because I do a lot of speaking and I'll get nervous ahead of time, but it's like this kind of energy building and like, oh, here we go. Kind of like getting on a roller coaster, but. But I know I'm just gonna nail it because I have done it so many times and I have a lot of self efficacy and belief in myself for public speaking. But for some reason with this one, I was like, nervous and like, you know that self doubt kind of nervous you get where it's like, oh, man, am I gonna. What if I mess this up? There's so much pressure. So writing on this. So I was feeling all that and I was like, okay, here we go. And it's getting closer to the time, and I'm memorizing it, practicing it again and again. Eventually I'm just like, I can't practice this anymore. I gotta just do this. And so we drive to the place. It's also on a beach. It's in Pensacola, Florida, on the Gulf coast there in southern part of the United States. And everyone's gathering there. I'm waiting up there with the groom, and we're about to start the ceremony. It's a very small wedding, very intimate, kind of like a destination wedding. So just the closest people to this couple. And I'm standing up there, and the wedding planner lady comes out and she's like, you're gonna stand there? And it's like, you know, I'm kind of looking at the couple and the audience, and I'm standing there with the groom. We're waiting for the bride to come out. She comes up, she's like, you're gonna stand there? And I was like, yeah. She's like, no, no, no, no. You need to stand with your back to the audience facing the couple. And I was like, what? I've never. What are you talking about? I've never seen that. I've been to a lot of weddings, my own wedding, seen a lot of movies. I've never seen that before. She's like, listen, I've done 2,000 weddings, okay? And that's how it's always done. And I was like. I looked at the groom and he's like, I don't know what the fuck she's talking about. And I was like, well, I think we're just gonna do it this way. So I was really proud of myself there. I was assertive. But it also kind of was an intense interaction to have moments before the speech. So here we Go. I shake it off. I'm like, here we go, Z. Take some deep breaths. Self compassion. And then bride comes out. She's beautiful. Music's really sweet. I mean, it's just the most beautiful. I mean, I love weddings. This really sweet moment. And then we begin, and then I start talking. And I just realized, like, oh, that's right. I can do this. And so I start sharing, and I'm energetic and I'm engaging and I'm interacting with people. But then I noticed the bride and the groom. The groom is kind of looking off a lot, and the bride is looking really distracted. She's kind of, like, looking down. I can't tell if she's really restless or what's going on with her. And I'm like, okay, that's cool. And I keep talking, and then I look out at the audience and everyone's kind of. A lot of people, I don't know everyone, but a lot of people are a little shifty. Like, people are looking down. I noticed a lot of people are looking down. And I'm like, okay. And then I just. I lose it. And I'm giving my little speech and I just go into, like, anxious abort mode. I'm like, abort, abort. Like, you're losing them. You're losing them. Jump ahead to the ceremony part. So I cut out a big chunk of the middle of my little speech, my little sermon, and it was like the part that had the jokes in it, and it was the part that had some sweetness in it, and I just cut it all out. Not really consciously. It wasn't a real conscious decision. It was just like, have you ever done that during a speech where it's not like you methodically think about what strategically to remove, you just spaz out, and then all of a sudden you're at the end of your talk, and that's what I did. And then we did the ceremony and exchanging the rings and all that. And it was very beautiful, very sweet. And no one knew that I did this. No one knew that I cut part of it out because no one had heard it before. And to them it was great. But to me, something weird was happening inside of me, and I could feel it. And right as it was over, I was like, oh, man. Like, what. What just happened there? And then afterwards, when I started talking to people, I discovered what really was going on, and I was even more. I mean, it shifted even more. So stay tuned. Right now, we're going to take a quick break and you're going to find out what was really going on during this talk. And then we're going to dive into how to work with this, what came afterwards, how to work with the discomfort of not doing what you wanted to do, and any shame that comes up afterwards. I'm going to help you shift all of that through this story. So stay tuned for Be right back right after this.

The other day I was at the supermarket and I saw this cute guy in the produce aisle. I was hoping he would come and talk to me. I gave him all the signals. I looked at him for a second to get his attention. I stood nearby pretending to look at some apples, and I even smiled at him as I walked by. He just looked nervous, averted his eyes and turned away. It was almost as if he wanted to talk to me, but just didn't know what to say or do. It was a shame, too. I was really hoping to meet him. I've been feeling lonely recently.

Are you tired of being that guy? I personally spent many years in that place where there was women everywhere around me that would have dated me if I just had the courage to go talk to them. And as the same that is true for you. Even if you think you're too short or too fat or not rich enough, that is all just stories in your head. And if you want to learn how to transform that and break through to the next level and create the relationship that you really want just by being yourself, then go to www.30daystodatingmastery.com and get started today. So there I was. I'd just given the talk. They were doing all the photos afterwards on the beach, and I was talking to some people, and a couple people have said, hey, that was really great. And have you ever had that where if you didn't perform in the way that you wanted to, it's hard to take in someone giving you a compliment. And in my mind, I was like, yeah, right, they're just saying that that wasn't great, you know? And I was like, whoa, that's intense. It was like this kind of critical, judgmental energy inside of me that I don't. It used to be. I mean, my entire life was that. And now after all this work that I've done and everything, I don't go there as often. It's more noticeable when I go there. So all of a sudden I'm like, whoa, that's interesting. I'm rejecting compliments. I'm being critical of myself. And then I was talking with someone, I was like, oh, it was great. I was like, oh, thanks. You know, it's interesting, I actually left a portion out because I noticed a lot of people were looking down and I interpreted that as maybe people weren't as engaged. And he laughed and he's like, oh, no, man, you were oriented. So the sun was right behind you guys and it was kind of close to sunset. And he's like, the sun was in all of our faces. It was brutal. It's like if we looked at you guys, it was burning our eyes. And I was like, really? And then someone else said that and I was like, oh, shit. Oh, man. And then later on, the bride was telling me, she's like, oh, my God. The reason I was late, because we were all kind of waiting for her out there. She's like, the reason I was late is I was putting on my eye makeup and I got some mascara in my eye and it was burning and burning and burning. And I was washing it out for like 15 minutes and I just had to go out there even though my eye was burning. So when you were talking, my eye was burning so much and I was like, oh, man. And then the groom told me, he's like, yeah, your speech was great. I was so focused on trying to remember my vows that I wasn't really paying attention. And it's like, oh, man. Right. So have you ever. So this is one of the lessons that I want to share from the Reverend story is we do that all the time. We misinterpret the reactions of the audience because I'm coming to it from a place of I'm nervous I'm going to mess this up. And we misinterpret what's going on and it goes through this bad filter in our head where we then doubt ourselves. So that was a huge reminder for me to be really careful about how I'm interpreting what's happening and be wary of hastily jumping to the conclusion that it's all going terribly. People think I'm boring. People don't like me because that's just fear and self doubt that's going to feed on that. And it reminded me of a lot. I mean, it just threw me right back to when I was younger and giving talks was I was terrible and scared and all that stuff. So I realized, oh, wow, that's still in there. And what a great reminder to, like, step up and keep offering and not necessarily interpret everything as people don't like me or they're not engaged. So that was a great breakthrough for me. And then the better, even bigger breakthrough came later because afterwards I Just felt low, man. I felt like I had all this stuff come up, like I failed them. I didn't do as you know, I didn't share what I really wanted to share. It was like, not funny. I suck. They think it was bad. They're just being nice and saying they liked was on and on and on. And it was really intense. I was going on for the rest of that evening kind of in the background at the same time. I was hanging out with friends and enjoying it, but that was sort of in the back burner. And the next, like, that night and the next morning, really strong. And I was talking about it with my wife the next morning, up early before our son got up. And I was like, what's. Like, this is weird. I usually don't what's going on. I'm attacking myself so much. And through talking with her and then looking at it later on my own, I realized that it all goes back to that first experience, the demigod reverending. So I came in with this expectation that it's going to be just like that and that I have to be amazing. And there was so much significance and attachment to being significant wrapped up in there. Like, I got to be amazing. I got to wow everyone. And I did before, and now I didn't. People said it was good. A lot of people said they liked it and it was good, but it wasn't the same level of Their minds were blown. And I was like, wow. So a part of me got really attached to significance, wanting to be really special and great and amazing, which is horribly ironic because it's not about me, right? I'm there to help this beautiful couple be married. We want it to be about them. And so I kept bringing my focus to that is like, I want to bring it to what's it really about. And so when you give a talk or have an experience and you're really beating yourself up afterwards, I want you to look at what is it that I'm comparing myself to. And in this case, I was comparing it to some past experience, and you might be doing that as well. Like, you do a presentation and you're comparing it to that, you know, your ideal presentation, the perfect presentation you did. Or you could be comparing it to something that doesn't even exist, that you never even did. Just some mental model, some idea of, like, I'm supposed to be this way, and you're comparing yourself to it and you're not. And then you feel like shit. And so what you want to do is you want to look at what is it that I'm comparing myself to? And when I saw that, I was like, oh, I'm supposed to be this amazing speaker that blows everyone's mind. And I'm like, oh, shit, I'm familiar with that one. And it's a pride position. I talk about that in a previous episode. I think it's called the Secret to Self Acceptance. It's a ways back now, maybe end of 2014, but that's what you want to look at is what is the expectation or demand? And then you just got to let it go, man. I was just like, well, I was demanding. I'd be perfect and amazing. And you know what? I don't have to be. I just got to be a human. Because underneath that demand is. The fear is like, well, if I'm not perfect and amazing and I don't wow everyone and impress them, they're not going to love me, you know, and these people aren't going to love me. And I realized I was inserting that belief in there, like, my friends don't love me. Their parents don't love me. And I was like, you know what, man? I don't need to be that. Just showing up, just being there and sharing with them and giving my heart and holding the space for them and being efficient for them. And it's. What a beautiful act of love to give that to them and to also to be asked to give that to them. And then as I and I just kind of started, it started to unravel a little bit and soften over that day. And then just every time I thought about it, you know, and if you had this experience where you think back to a painful one, like your speech wasn't good enough, or you were at a party or whatever, and you didn't do what you wanted to do, and you think back to it and you have that kind of critical cringing energy, like, ugh. Ugh. Every time I had that, I would just say. I would just let go and send myself love and be like, I don't have to be anything other than what I was. It was perfect. I'm okay, and I'm just human. Sometimes I nail it out of the park, and sometimes it's okay, and sometimes I can fall flat on my face and it's all okay. And as I did that, over the next few days and weeks, it really started to unravel, and then it cracked open, and I could feel the beauty and the love in that moment and the perfection of that moment and how the speech was perfect. Exactly as it was. And a friend of mine, which I really appreciated, has a lot of experience with aa and he said there's three things that they talk about when it comes to what you share in aa, which is one is there's what you intended to say, what you wanted to say, then there's what you actually said, and then there's what you wish you would have said afterwards. And I just laughed when I heard that. I was like, oh yeah, that's kind of how it went for me there. And this humanness came out of it, this self love came out of it. And that's really what I want for you, is to just when you look back at that experience, just letting go of any demand on yourself, it's okay, you don't need to be perfect, you don't need to be the best. You can be loved just as you are. And now when I think back to that moment, instead of it being a painful moment, it's just like this sweet moment on the beach. And I feel a lot of love and I feel so much gratitude because it taught me so much and it helped me learn even more to share with people that I work with and share with you today. So when we really let go of these demands, it's amazing how many gifts open up. And that actually brings us to our action step where you're going to apply this in your own life. Time for action. Your action step for today is to take one of the lessons that you got. What is one lesson you got? What is your, the most valuable thing you got from this story today and notice what that is and then commit to applying it in your life. So your one takeaway, your one big aha. Maybe there's multiple, but just, just the most valuable one, the first one that comes to your mind, really decide, see what that is and then decide to apply that in your life. Take it away. I'm going to put it in my world. I'm going to use this. Whether it's I'm going to let go of those standards or expectations and be more compassionate with myself or I'm not going to interpret as quickly what's happening with people when I talk to them or maybe something else. There's as many lessons in this story as there are people listening to it. So you can draw what you need from it and apply it in your life and let us know. Go to facebook.com SocialConfidence to share what you learned, what you took away from it. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Azeez. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com. Sa.