The Right And Wrong Ways To Approach A Woman

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're gonna learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey. Welcome to another episode of Shrink for the Shy Guy. I'm your host, Dr. Aziz, and we have an exciting show for you today. This is all about how to approach a woman, specifically the right ways and the wrong ways to do it. Oh, yes. There are ways that are going to be more effective in terms of creating a connection, creating the kind of relationships that you want, and ways that are going to subtly or maybe not so subtly repel someone that you're attracted to. So this is going to be an important topic. And if you've struggled in this area or felt stuck or unsure or maybe repeated a pattern again and again, all those things happen, usually because of a lack of awareness. We just don't know. We don't know what we don't know. And I'm especially excited today because we have a co host for the show. Oh, yes, a co host. And her name is Amber. And Amber is a master coach on my team. She works with people. She's also a dating coach and helps men with this exact area. But from my conversations with Amber, I've seen that she actually goes much deeper than just surface level stuff and really how to be the most bold, confident, authentic version of you to create extraordinary relationships, not just dating. So excited to have you with us today, Amber.

I'm so excited to be here.

Yes. And, okay, so let's just cut right to the right ways and the wrong ways. So let's start with the wrong, because, you know, if we're making a mistake, we want to know about that. And so. And this is great because you're not only a dating coach, but you're a woman. And so we get a double dose of perspective of, you know, what's, what doesn't work. So from. Let's just have you share maybe some of the things that you've seen, what doesn't work when it comes to being approached.

Yeah. So the first thing that comes to mind is body language. And I think there's so much information about body language. I actually read an entire book about all the subtle ways that we express our emotions and thoughts through body language.

Oh, interesting. What was the book?

And it was what everybody is saying, so kind of like a pun title.

Sure.

And after reading that, I just thought, man, that's way too much information. And it doesn't have to be that complicated. I think when it comes to body language, the only thing that you have to think about is being open and not hiding and hiding. Body language is when your shoulders are crouched and you don't want to take up a lot of room or you cover your mouth when you smile or when you're talking and anything to make you smaller and less seen. And that definitely shows that you're not very confident and that's not very attractive when you're approaching a woman.

Interesting. So like, literally having slumped shoulders, head and neck kind of down any sort of like taking up as little space as possible, kind of gestures and motion and use of your body is sub optimal.

Exactly. Yeah.

That reminds me of a. This is back in the day, I was studying a lot of stuff by David d'. Angelo, you know, a lot of about, you know, how to be an attractive man stuff. And there was this thing, he was talking about body language, and he was encouraging guys when they were sitting to like, take up more space when they were sitting. So kind of like their. Their shoulders sort of back or one arm over the. The arm, the back of the chair behind them make their legs kind of like instead of all tightened together, kind of splayed out. And it was really interesting because I remember I saw it and I looked at it and I was like, yeah, that looks more confident. You look more relaxed. And then I went to go do it, and I actually felt uncomfortable doing it. Not because the pose was uncomfortable, but because it was like, I'm like kicking up something's bad or wrong here. So what are your thoughts on, like, how to apply it? Let's say someone knows, like, okay, I'll stand up bright and more open. But what about that little inkling of discomfort as we do it? Any thoughts you've seen around that?

Yeah. The skill of confidence is reciprocal. So that means that the behaviors that confident people exhibit as a result of their confidence are the same behaviors that make them more confident. So if you just start to behave in a way that shows that you're more confident, you will eventually feel more confident. And there are countless studies to prove that your body language has an effect on your Mind and the way that you think about yourself and your situation.

So I think just kind of do it.

Exactly.

Yeah. Nice. Okay, so. So that's kind of like. So we kind of. Maybe this is interesting, maybe the opposite. Maybe we'll be covering wrong and right at the same time. Right. Because now we got the wrong was closed body language. And the right is. Is, well, open body language.

Exactly.

So we're killing two birds with one stone. Okay, great. What's something else?

I would say a lot of guys, especially when they're very nerdy, very logical, very intelligent, they want to plan the entire conversation ahead of time because that's kind of how they work in other areas of their life or in their work. And they're very organized and detail oriented and structure and all of these things that actually kill conversations in the real world. And I would say that definitely is a big no no when approaching women. And you have to get comfortable with the uncertainty of speaking to a complete stranger and having the conversation go where it will go.

Hmm. So plan nothing.

I would say plan your first words like what are you gonna say? And then go off what she says. And this is just a skill that you have to practice. And it's not easy the first or second or third time, but it gets easier with time. And you can also think about it the way that you talk with your best friend. You don't meet them and think, oh, what are we going to talk about? And what if it's awkward and what if I don't have anything to say? You just kind of bounce off of each other and the conversation goes where it will and there's no real structure or themes planned ahead of time.

I like that. And what's interesting is with the best friend, there's this assumption that they like us and that they want to talk with us generally unless we're having a fight or something. But in general, and if you can bring that to an approach as well, I guess we're getting into the right now. But okay, let's keep it in the realm of wrong or less effective. Let's say if you are assuming that that person, she doesn't want to talk to you, then you're gonna be a lot more tense. You're gonna want to plan it all out ahead of time and that sort of thing. So, I mean, I love what you just mentioned there. I think in a way, how would you initiate contact with your best friend and how pre planned would that conversation be? That's a great point. Probably not at all. Maybe you have one thing you're like, oh, I can tell them about blank, but you don't even think about how you' you just have a general idea. And similarly with the approach here and you hit on a really key point which is uncertainty and our ability to tolerate. In fact, that's such an important topic and is something that I want to make sure that everyone listening really gets. Let's take a quick break right now and when we get back, we're going to keep talking about uncertainty, how to deal with it, how to really just enter into a conversation without having it all scripted and other keys that are the right way to approach a woman, as well as some more mistakes that most guys make that limit their success. So stay tuned. We'll be right back right after this.

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Welcome back. So uncertainty. Keep talking about that, Amber. So, okay, so let's just bring this really practical, really. Let's say I'm in a coffee shop and I'm in line and then I see this woman walk in and she's looking at the menu or whatever up on the behind the cashier and I say, ooh, who's she? And I'm instantly drawn to her. So I'm going to have my open body language and I'm just gonna have my first line planned, which maybe would be something like, what do you think?

Well, I have a couple ideas. One thing you can do is ask someone for their expertise. And this makes people feel really good about themselves. And it's a really easy icebreaker. So I can give you an example of how I use this in my life. The other day I was at the grocery store and my boyfriend was waiting outside with our dog. And he told me that he trusts me to get some beer for us. And I don't really drink beer or know anything about beer. And I felt a lot of pressure. But I went in and I went to the beer section. I was just looking at all of them, IPA and wheat and different flavors and I have no idea about beer at all. And this group of guys came and they were Choosing their beers. And I turned to them, I was like, guys, I really need your help.

This is sort of like, I think every. Every guy, every shy guy, his fantasy is that he's gonna be in the beer aisle getting some beer, and a beautiful woman's gonna come up to him and say, I need your expertise. Brilliance.

Yeah, Well, I did my own work with dating, so I am that girl. And I know that girls can take initiative, too.

Nice. Yes, that's absolutely true for women. Listening. You know, this isn't just about men approaching women. You know, women can initiate with men. Absolutely.

Yeah. And so they were like, yeah. I was like, and of course I'm not single. So I told them. I made it clear immediately that I have a boyfriend. I was like, you know, my boyfriend sent me in here to get some beer and he told me he trusts me, but I just don't trust myself. And I was like, well, what would you recommend? What should I get? And they were like, oh, yeah, this one and this one. And, well, do you like a weedy or like bitter or something? I was like, no, like as fruity and light as it gets. And they gave me one. And of course, if I were single, that could go further and I could maybe invite them to something or have them meet up with my friends or see where it goes in that way. But I just went outside to my boyfriend again.

Sure.

With your. With your wine coolers.

Exactly. Great.

So asking expertise.

Yeah. And like the example that you gave for Starbucks, you could easily do that for the barista or the girl in line behind you. And you can make it kind of funny and dramatic. Like I did. Like, I just really need your help. Like, it's just weighing on me, this issue. Like, I can't choose which muffin to get, you know, and it doesn't have to be so serious.

And that's a great little subtle thing that, you know, sometimes it can be helpful to have this stuff broken down. Is that creates humor. Because if you just went up to someone and said, which muffin should I get? A or B? Okay. Maybe you'd get some rapport and some buy in. If you went up to them and said, hey, can I ask you a question? And they said, yeah. And he said, hey, which muffin would you get? A or B? Now you're more likely to be, you know, get at least some engagement as a response. And then if you bring some humor into it, like that, which is sort of exaggerated importance, and then they're kind of. It creates a lot of attention, actually, in the other person, if you're like, hey, you know, I have a. I have an important question for you. And. And you pause. Now all of a sudden their brain's firing. It's like, wait a minute, who is this person? Why are they talking to me? What is the question? Is this going to be out of the ordinary? Is this something extreme? Their mind's kind of going. And then it's like the misdirect where it's not going the way that they think it's going. And then all of a sudden you ask them kind of a silly, random question, like, help me pick out beer or what muffin would you pick? And all of a sudden then they. The tension is going to break and then they'll laugh, or at least the connection will. There'll be more rapport, more warmth between you two.

Exactly.

Nice. Okay, so we're talking about. And this is another key piece is so you're asking expertise, but you're doing something that involves the situation that you're in, like the supermarket beer aisle or the coffee shop. You're bringing the environment into the conversation.

Yeah. And it's also helpful if you go into an environment that you're actually interested in. So, for example, at a bookstore, in the book section that you really like, and that way you can meet people who have things in common with you.

Absolutely. And a key piece, this is just a side note around if you're single and you want. Or even if you're just wanting to build your social life, if you're like, bookstore. Why would I go to a bookstore? I could just get it on Amazon. It's like, yeah, you could. And the likelihood of meeting someone as you go to Amazon.com is probably none. Right. So when we want to like, flick the on switch or like, if you think of like a hotel sign, when they don't, when they're not full, they'll put, you know, has vacancy or vacancy sign on. You kind of want to flick that switch on, like, I'm open. I'm open to the world. I'm open to meeting people. And that doesn't just mean that you only talk to the 1% of people that you for sure want to marry or something. It's like, I'm just open to talking to other humans. And so instead of going and getting the book on Amazon, hey, maybe I'll swing by the bookstore on the way home and if there's opportunities, I'll talk to someone. Or when I go to the supermarket, let me just have my awareness open to chat with people in the aisle that I'm in and what expertise can I ask for? So these are some great tips. What about, here's an important question that I want to ask you and I'm going to ask it to you. Then we're going to take a quick break and then when we get back, you're going to give us the answer. We'll get a little teaser here, which is so many men that I work with and even women too have this fear that's like, look, to approach someone. That woman in the coffee shop doesn't want me to talk to her. She just wants to get her coffee. You know those. Even though obviously your story contradicts this. But you know, the fear is, well, those guys in the aisle just want to get their beer. They don't want to have someone approach them and ask them questions. And there's this pretty strong fear that approaching kind of unsolicited or it's like without them asking you or giving you a super clear signal that they want you to come approach them to do so is somehow offensive, bad or wrong. And I want to get your thoughts on that right after this, when we get back.

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Welcome back. Okay, so Amber, approaching someone in a public setting like a bookstore or a coffee shop or wherever, without them giving you the eyes and the clear come approach me signal, what do you think? Is that okay? Is that a wrong thing to do?

It's not a wrong thing to do, but it's true. Some people don't want to be approached. And do you really want to hang out with those people? Because personally, I love it when strangers come to talk to me. I love meeting new people and people with different ideas and people who take chances. And I remember I was waiting for my food one day. I ordered food and then I sat down and I started talking to this person next to me. I was like, hey, like, what's going on? How was your day going? And he was like, fine. Good. I Was like, cool. I just got back from this conference. It was really great. Blah, blah, blah, blah. And I was like two seconds into my sentence, and he just got up and left.

Wow. Straight up fled.

And I just thought, like, man, you're not really the kind of guy I would want to hang out with. And I think that does happen. And it's important to remember that the way people react to you, first of all, it says more about themselves than it does about you. And if you approach 50 different people, you're gonna have 50 different reactions. And second of all, most people, especially in this day and age when there's Facebook and Twitter and Instagram and you hardly have to spend any time with people in person anymore, are craving that connection, the in person connection, because all of those social apps are not a replacement for them.

Yeah. I mean, several things you're saying in here could almost be entire episodes around this idea of if you approach 50 people, you're gonna get 50 different responses. And, you know, once again, highlighting. It's like, it's not a, let's not make everything about me me. And instead it's like, look, people are all over the map. A person might be in a time in their life where they're just not open to talking to anyone. They might be having a day. I mean, I've had days like that where I got my headphones in and I'm just like, I hope the cashier doesn't ask me a friendly question. I hope shits, you know, And I've been there. And some people might just. That might be most of their life. And usually that might seem like a tough kind of cynical exterior, but usually inside there's tons of, like, fear. Maybe they have their own social anxiety. Maybe they're hurt, Maybe they got their heart broken. Who knows? Maybe they don't think much of themselves. So there's a lot going on behind the scenes. And that's not our responsibility to figure out. And it's just. You know, what I like is you just think about it as like knocking on a door. And that's what you did. You kind of like, hey, is this door open? Do you want to. Eh, no. All right. And it's like, that door's closed, but another door will be open. And I think that's a great point. And when we make a rule, like, it's wrong, but what we're doing is we're taking. If some person doesn't like it, I'm so afraid of disapproval that if one person might not like it, I better not Risk it. And if that's the case, then you're really going to want to rethink your approach to life, really. And that sort of thing. But okay, so I noticed I'm looking at the time here. Let's give a rundown. Any other. Just. Just hit any ones you guys want to hit. Bullet points on some key tips of the wrong thing, mistakes we can make, as well as great things to do that really improve our chances.

Don't give to get. I think so many men are so attached to the result of their interactions with other people. So they're approaching a woman for her number. And the dynamic of that is unattractive because immediately when a guy comes up to her and he has that kind of energy of just wanting something from her, and if she doesn't give it to him, he'll feel really bad. First of all, that's a lot of responsibility for somebody that she just met. And second of all, it would work way better if you just had the mindset of what can I bring to her day? And not every single interaction that you have has to end in a number or a date or anything more than just a pleasant interaction.

But if it doesn't, I'm a failure, Amber. So I need you. I need you to preserve my self esteem by being, you know, and that's a whole thing. That's why women have a lot can have a challenge about, well, how do I say no? How do I reject this person? Because they've all. Most everyone I've talked to has had an experience of guy approaches them and they, you know, not in any mean way, just tell him or show that they're not interested and he gets pissed off.

Exactly.

Or crumples and they either feel guilty or like, hurt. And so that's why a lot of women will have kind of like a shield up, which is almost like, don't talk to me shield in some settings because of that experience. And, you know, if you want to break that mold, you can show up powerfully. And, you know, what you just said doesn't just apply to the first conversation or the first approach. That applies to the whole relationship. Because if we're giving to get like, okay, I'm gonna give you some love so you get me and I'm gonna get this out of you, man. That's gonna be problematic down the road. And we talk about this actually at the unlimited dating relationship confidence event about the levels of maturity and masculinity and how that kind of mid level, which is like the immature male. It's almost like a teenager male is kind of like, I'm gonna get mine.

And.

And maybe we get a little more sophisticated as we get older, where it's like, oh, I'm gonna present this way, so then I'll get mine. And you're right. I mean, women feel that. And it is. It is not attractive.

Yeah. And I see some of these YouTube videos from pickup artists. And of course, I'm a dating coach, so I have to educate myself. And I really love those videos where instead of just how can I get her number as quickly as possible, they're doing more of a funny prank where they'll go up to a girl and say some kind of funny pickup line or just really ridiculous sentence. And even if she's like, oh, my God, and she just walks away, she's always smiling. And in that way, you can bring something humorous to her life. And it's not all about, what am I gonna get from her when I say this? So they'll say like, oh, did you fall from heaven? Or something? Or like, those cheesy pickup lines are really funny.

Sure. Yeah. And that just also shows that you can kind of start with anything if you can hold it with confidence and have that as your intention. It's like, hey, I'm going to make her smile or brighten her day. And it's okay if the door's closed, she's not open. That's okay, man. There's a lot of power in that. So much more here that we could dive into. And Amber's got some great blogs as well on our site, and. And so. Awesome. Let's. Let's actually go. We gotta take this. Smush it all down and do one thing with it, though, which is to put it into action. Time for action. Action. Action. So your action step for today is gonna be to approach someone to start a conversation with them. Stranger. Now, obviously, if you're single, approach someone that you're attracted to, unless that feels like you haven't done that in years or ever, in which case, just approach anyone. You know, approach someone just a platonic. Just start a conversation. And of course, if you're in a relationship and for some reason you don't want to approach someone attractive for whatever reason. I mean, that's in my book. That's still okay if you're just there to connect. But let's say for you, it's like, absolutely not. Then just approach a stranger to, again, platonically start a conversation. Because that in itself, you're facing all of those same concerns. And fears and pushing through that edge. And of course, if you're single and you feel up to it, actually go approach someone and apply some of this. How can I just bring some positive energy to brighten their day? How can I let go of needing any response and how can I use the environment? How can I ask their expertise? Tons of practical tips in this episode. The key for you now is to go out and take action and I'd love to hear about it. Go to shrinkforthshyguy.com shrinkforthyguy.com you can send messages through that site and until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thank you so much for being with us today. Amber.

Thank you so much for having me. It was really fun.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos from related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.