The Root of All Anxiety (And How To Liberate Yourself)

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. The show to help you break free from social anxiety, people pleasing and self doubt so you can speak up, connect and be 100% you. I'm Dr. Aziz, sharing tools that have transformed my life and thousands of others. Let's all liberate ourselves together. Welcome to today's episode of the show. Today I'm excited to be with you because we're going to be helping you disconnect from that voice of anxiety. It's. Well, the voice is in your head, but the feelings of the anxiety are all throughout your body, right? It's a very uncomfortable, unsettled, unsafe, maybe even urgent or frantic or panicky kind of feeling inside. And you know, there's so many different kinds of anxiety or different situations anxiety can arise in, but this is going to apply to all of them. You know, in the show we talk a lot about social anxiety, so this will apply to that. But anxiety can show up anywhere, right? It's a pattern of thought, perception and feeling. And so we can feel anxious, we can think worried thoughts about anything, right? Your finance situation, family members, safety in the world, what's going to happen, Catastrophizing your health. I mean, you can worry about anything, right? So we are gonna go deep specifically on this pattern of anxiety in this episode that will help across all of these different domains, including social anxiety. And one of the key things I'm gonna start with, that's gonna be what you're gonna get from this episode as well, is we want a silver bullet and we want the anxiety to stop now. Just like, bam. What can I do to make it stop right now? And I'm with you, trust me. I often joke with my wife that I'm an anxious creature in my nature, right? So high startle reflex. So there's a loud sound, especially a dog barking kind of out of nowhere. I will jump out of my skin. And it's not like I was really stressed in that moment or just there's something in my nervous system that's very sensitive in some ways. And so I get it. I. That's probably one of my big challenges in life has been anxiety. And, you know, some people tend to be more, if they're struggling, depressive, slow, just want to eat more, don't want to get out of bed. I'm the opposite. I am like, if there's hard times coming, I'm the guy who's like frantically in action, spinning on, you know, nine cylinders all at once. High anxiety. Go, go, go, go, go. I'm not Gonna eat? I can't eat anything. Let's go. So I get it, I get it. Of course we want things to give us relief. And there are things that can give immediate relief, you know, usually in the form of a medication or an alcohol. And the medication that gives immediate relief is not an ssri. It's using anxiolytics. So, you know, Ativan or something that will immediately curb the anxiety. And the problem with those things that turn the anxiety off quickly and effectively, they usually have pretty strong addictive properties or side effects or later on effects where you have a hangover the next day or there's consequences from the drinking or the anxiolytics can be actually quite habit or dependent forming because it works. Then it has other problematic side effects and can make you less focused, very anxious without it. I remember there's a client I worked with who'd been taking Ativan for years and he always had a pill bottle on him. It was like a coping mechanism. Like, it's like, okay, it's right there, it's in my pocket, I'm safe. If I need to, I can take this pill. And so, you know, there might be certain circumstances where those might be prescribed, but that's typically not what anyone will prescribe in this day and age. It's like, take this pill, make the anxiety go away. Better living through chemistry. Next. Right. Usually we've seen that that doesn't work great. And then maybe there's other tools. Like there's a tool I teach called the peace process, which I've talked about in this episode. You can also follow along with a free version of it at if you go to notnicebook.com because I referenced it in that book, notnicebook.com and just enter your email. You should be able to get access to a page that has a guided process and that's a meditative process. It's a somatic based. That means body focused meditation. I found it to be one of the most effective for shifting anxiety in the moment. Other things can be very helpful. Some people hear this and they think it sounds crazy. Or if you're into the Internet world and biohacking, then it sounds normal at this point. But actually cold immersion. So whether it's a cold shower, a cold plunge, or even dipping your face into a bowl of cold, like fill up a bowl in your sink of cold water and put your face in it. And these all have physiological pretty fast effects on the body to calm anxiety. So in terms of silver bullets, those might Be the best we got at, you know, without major side effects. And, you know, you could experiment with them and they. They work sort of sometimes, sometimes not, sometimes not in the way that we want. Probably nothing like taking some shots of alcohol or a pill that can just, you know, shift your biochemistry instantly or very quickly. So the reason I'm saying this is not to discourage you from trying any specific techniques to resolve the anxiety or, you know, if you do want to consult with a psychiatrist or a doctor to see if you want to do medication. I'm not here to. This episode is not about that. But the reason I'm saying this is because part of the problem is wanting the silver bullet and that we. I believe the ultimate liberation from anxiety doesn't come from a tool or a technique or a hack or a pill. It comes from liberating yourself from really seeing through the old pattern, really getting the old pattern, choosing something different, practicing that over time, retraining yourself to. To live differently, to think differently, to perceive yourself differently, to perceive life differently, to be a different version of you. Now, that's the answer that no one wants to hear in this day and age. No one likes to market that. Transform yourself over time with practice. But we all know on some level that's what works. If someone's like, I got this pill, it's going to make you lose a bunch of weight and build muscle for no effort, sit on the couch. It might sound good in a moment of desperation, we might buy it. But, you know, part of us inside knows, like, this is a long shot. And if someone's like, well, yeah, the way to get in great shape is to change your lifestyle and fall in love with the process and really live differently for 6, 12, 18 months, and you will be much stronger and healthier. And I'm like, well, jeez, that's probably not what I want to hear, but I know that that's true and that's how this works as well. But this is fantastic news, even if some part of us wants the instant quick fix, because it isn't 20 years of retraining yourself, it is in that period of time, of months to really retrain yourself. And it starts with awareness and choice. So one of the key pieces of awareness that we have to have is we have to see that the voice of anxiety, that what's behind the anxiety and driving the anxiety and how we relate to the anxiety is all making it worse. And seeing that and really getting that, really seeing that helps us choose something different. Just like if you're trying to make, you know, trying to get a job. And you're submitting your. All your applications where you write something, you know, you write about all your flaws and all your shortcomings and your incarceration history, and you're not getting any callbacks. What gives? Well, I don't know. You could submit a thousand applications like that and it's never going to work. And then if you really get that, you're like, oh, geez. But I thought that was the way to go. I thought you're supposed to be radically honest on your applications and share everything and all your problems and. No, no. Probably supposed to paint yourself in a better light. And once you get that, you can change what you're doing and you get a different result. But until you know that, until you really get that, you'll just keep doing the same thing, even if it's not working. Why? Well, I don't know. Because we're human. That's what humans do. So what is it that we're doing that's not working? Well, the anxiety. Here's the. Put it on a bumper sticker. Here it is. Anxiety comes from the need to control. When you feel like you need to control something, you'll get anxious. Here's a little fun example I was reminded of in my own life. So I'm very active physically, thank God. I spent many years with a lot of chronic pain, which you can hear about in other episodes of this show. But for the last, oh, I don't know, seven years, I've been extremely active and athletic. And it's been such a gift. It's like my life got unpaused. I was very athletic up until I was 15 years old, and then nothing until I was 35. So bam. Here I am 42, seven years later, and absolutely loving and getting stronger every year and being able to ask a lot of my body and be able to do all kinds of cool things with it, which is great. And one thing that the most helpful when it comes to your body and you can think about eating and all types of recovery, but one of the most important things is sleep. And everyone kind of knows that. Whether or not you prioritize that, it's a different story. And I do pretty good. I have a pretty regular sleep schedule. My kids are young. I don't go out and party, but I started doing sleep tracking and stuff, actual asleep time, because that's different than time you go to bed. But actual asleep time for me was often six, six and a half hours. And so doing some research and Other things is like, I'd recover a lot better. I'd feel a lot better if I could get that up to seven, seven and a half, maybe even eight of actual sleep hours. And if you're a high achiever like me, I'm like eight hours, that's like nine hours in bed. What am I, old man? I don't have time for that nonsense. But I do, right? So I started to really get more aware. Like, okay, what are the things that I do right before bedtime? If, okay, I need to get to bed by this time and I wake up at that time. So I guess I need to start thinking about my nighttime routine and winding down and okay, do this with the kids and this and that and what gets in the way, especially in the summertime, it's like I want to be outside, I want to be on the land doing stuff and I want to be playing with my kids. Like I don't want to. I want to stay up late, be with my wife. I want to party. Not the crazy kind of drug party, you know, old man, middle aged dude party, but not go to sleep. That's what I want. And yet then my sleep gets shorter. So I started to say, you know what, I'm going to prioritize sleep and start I do this little stretching in the evening with my kids and I'll stretch and then I'll get to bed at this time and listen to a book for a little bit this time and be asleep by that time. Got it all planned out, right? So far so good. Three days into the plan, two days into the plan, maybe even the first day on the plan. I don't know, I am like, I'm lying bed. I got in bed at the right time, kind of stressed out, like, okay, I gotta get, oh, it's 7:30, I gotta go to this. Okay, now, okay, I'm in bed. Okay. I'm a little behind when I wanted to be in bed, but at least I'm in bed now. But then I'm like, okay, I need to fall asleep now, fall asleep now, right? Gotta get more sleep. Not getting enough sleep. And then there's anxiety around it and I'm anxious about sleeping. I want to get more sleep and I'm not making it happen. And then now I'm stressing about it and what do you think that does to my sleep? And I have this pattern where I wake up pretty like clockwork. I'll wake up around 5, 5:15, which is normally great. That's when I go lift weights, get it in before everyone gets up. But I can't really sleep in past that. My body just gets up at that time every day pretty much. And so if I go to bed later, good luck sleeping in. And so there it's a little bit later in bed and I'm like, I gotta get to bed, I gotta fall asleep. Oh God, I'm gonna get up at 5 and I'm not gonna, you know. And this might seem like a simple example or if you had any, your own saga with sleep or maybe you've even had insomnia or things, you know, that there can be a lot of anxiety about it and stress about it. And the issue here is not my sleep might seem like it is. The issue here is not socializing, it's not going to an interview, it's not speaking up, it's not having boundaries. The issue is not the thing. The thing is the need to control. That's what creates the anxiety. And so that need to control, it's like a fearful this has to happen or else. That's what creates the anxiety. It's not, oh, I want to get more sleep or I want those people to like me or I want this to go a certain way. That's desire. We have a preference. Maybe we would be excited or happy if it happened or we'd be disappointed if it didn't. But that's different than the anxiety. The anxiety comes from this. I need to control it. And as soon as it becomes goes from I want it to, I need to control it. And I'm using words here to point to it. But it's a very noticeable mental, emotional, physical experience. And I'll sometimes refer to this as being attached or I need this or else I need this or bad things. I need this or fear. So this is a classic example. I need to get to sleep now or else, or else I'm not going to recover or else I'm going to feel bad tomorrow or else I need this person to like me or else, or else I'll be alone forever, I won't have friends. It means that I'm an unlikable person. And we might be aware consciously of some of our or else's or we might not be. It's just bad, bad things, fear, I don't know. Look out, right? And it's a subconscious thought, it's a feeling in your body and in your nervous system of unsafety, agitation, urgency, danger. Just basically the fire alarm is going off inside of your nervous system. Right? So that is the issue. That is. And therefore Here, embedded in this is the long term true solution or liberation from anxiety. And if you want to support that with other tools, techniques, other things like practices, meditation, other things that can be helpful, great. But ultimately those are like symptom management and we want to solve it at the root. So how do we do that? Well, we have to see that that need for control isn't working. Right. Like submitting the application. The metaphor I used earlier where you share about here's all the reasons I suck. You want to hire me, right? It's never going to work. I need to get to sleep now. Or else is never going to work to make you fall asleep. Never. Never, never. Never has, never will. Not for me, not for any human. If you want to test that out, just go try it tonight. I'm sure you've done that before in the past. I need this person to like me now. Oh God, oh God, oh God. I'm going to be alone forever. If they don't want a second date with me, does not make them like you more. It doesn't work. And here's the crazy part, it actually produces the opposite effect of what you want. Right. So stressing about needing more sleep makes you have harder time sleeping. Needing the person to like you and then trying to act from that place. Whether you are pleasing or you. I'm gonna laugh a lot at whatever you said, even though I don't even know if it was funny or not. Right. I'm gonna smile more than I would. I'm nod more than I would. That's if you're a pleaser type. That's what I used to do for many years. Didn't work so well, especially in dating. So I have a lot of evidence that this doesn't work. Maybe you do as well. Maybe it's being silent, being totally aloof. Right? Like I don't want to say anything because they could judge me. So I'll just be quiet. Totally. But then instead of people liking you, they just feel like I don't know you or are you even here? Or maybe like, what's up with that person? They seem so aloof. They think they're better than me. Who knows what's happening, right? But you're trying to control, I need this person like me or else. Then it's producing not only is it not effective, it's producing the opposite result. And this is summed up in one of the best quotes of all time, of which this movie actually had several. Kung Fu Panda number one, the original, which was from Master Wu Wei A Taoist master turtle. Or maybe he's Kung fu master. He seemed pretty Taoist. In any case, he said to one of his pupils who was trying frantically to prevent this former rogue student who had gone kind of aggro and started attacking everybody, the teacher had imprisoned him. And so this Taoist master is talking to the teacher because the teacher's freaking out. And he had a dream that the guy escaped. And so he is going to go send a message to this prison to double the guards and be on extra watch out. And he's kind of freaking out. He's sending a message. And the Daoist turtle is sitting there watching him. And all he says to him is, he says, a man often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it. So sure enough, in the movie, the guy sends someone to double the guards. Now, this is Kung Fu Panda, right? All the characters are different types of animals, including a panda, hence the name. But the messenger he sends is a goose. They all talk and walk around like humans, but it's a goose. And all the guards, in case you're wondering, at the prisoner rhinos, obviously, and the captured creature is, I believe, a snow leopard. In any case, the goose goes to the prison and tells all the rhinos. And the rhinos are like, please look at our prison. And this guy's, like, trapped in this little tiny cage that's suspended in air by chains above, like a pit of an abyss, right? No way he's getting in and or out. They have to, like, take a drawbridge down into it, and then they take this little bridge on chains that descends, you know, thousand feet to the bottom of this pit, blah, blah, blah. Shows it all to the goose, tells him, like, look, there's no way this guy's ever getting out. The goose says, okay, I'm gonna go back and tell my. The teacher. And he leaves. And as he's leaving, one of his feathers pops out of his wing or something, and Flo slowly settles. It's so good, man. You should just watch this scene on YouTube just for this. Settles down to where the. I forget his name is the, you know, kung fu master Snow Leopard. And because of that one feather, he can, like, pick the locks and, you know, and once he busts out of the chains, he's so badass, he just kind of, you know, dominates the entire prison and all the thousand rhinos with, you know, spears trying to stop him. And he, you know, flies through the air because he's amazing. I'm gonna go watch the scene right after. Now I'm gonna relive the glory. In any case, that wouldn't have happened had he not sent the goose to tell them so he met his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it. And so the road that I'm trying to avoid is, you know, I want this person to like me. I'm trying to avoid the dislike, I'm trying to avoid the isolation, I'm trying to avoid the rejection. And I create the rejection. We create what we don't want when we believe, the anxiety, when we act from the anxiety. And I know if you hear this and you say, yeah, I get it, I get it, but what do I do? What do I do? What do I do? You're not really getting it, and this isn't against you. I remind myself of this often. I say, okay, I might say I intellectually know that I'm not under threat here, there's nothing wrong here, but I'm feeling very anxious, so I must be believing it on some level. I must be buying into the story on some level. So there's my place to work, there's the place to practice. And what does that mean to. To look or to practice? It means that you are telling yourself, I need this now or I'm not okay. In other words, to say is if this happens, I won't be okay. And that will always create anxiety and create a lot of unproductive responses that are probably going to bring about more of what we don't want. And so the way out, well, the way out. I'll share in this action step here. Time for action, action, action. So the way out, short term and long term. This is a long term play of training yourself. The way out is okay. If I'm anxious, I'm needing to control something, I'm telling myself I need to control blank or else. So step one is, and this is helpful if you do this process with a little bit of breath, intentionally slow your breathing down a little bit. Go breathe into your belly, maybe step outside if you can, right? Then get really curious and say, okay, I'm needing to control something. Maybe you'll know exactly what it is right away, like, oh, of course I want them to like me, or oh, I want more sleep, or I need to control, I need to always have a certain amount of money in my bank account or I need to know how many of this is going to happen, or I need to know for sure that I'm not going to be laid off or whatever. And sometimes you won't know at first, just like I Don't know, I'm just in danger, I'm in danger. Then you just get curious, okay, what's the danger? It's a great question to ask yourself if you're not sure, what's the danger? What is it that I need to protect or control? Okay. And then you find it, you get curious, okay, I need this person like me, I need this response, I need this result, I need this email back, I need whatever it is. There's a billion things, things that we could think we need to control right now to feel okay? And look, some of them might seem really sucky. You might really not want an outcome, right? Let's say you're going to get a medical test and there's like, well, there's a percent chance that you have a cancer in your, some tumor in your intestines, right? Of course you don't want that. And that's a pretty dramatic example. It could be much less severe than that. So this isn't to say that you don't care and have no, you know, preferences, right? Most people would if they could choose do you want a tumor in your colon or not? Most people are like, no. Is no an option? Right, but. And the anxiety is I need this, I need to control this or else. And it doesn't work. It never will work. It doesn't stop or change anything for the positive. So then we say, okay, this really sitting with that, I need this to be this way or else. And let yourself hold that with curiosity and start to wonder, is there another way? Is that really true? Is there any other way to be with this? Is there anything else that might be more true? Is there anything else that might be more functionally helpful for me? And it's not about being able to debate yourself with a very logical, like a lawyer providing a counter argument. Well, technically, according to, you know, point six in clause B, that this. Okay, fine, but if that doesn't do anything for you, then it's meaningless. And instead I find it's a much more of a heart based, soulful, loving, curious way of being instead of, well, that's irrational. Drop that thought. That's rational. It's more like man, I get it, I get it. Of course, of course you don't want that to happen. Of course you want them to like you. Of course you don't like this. Of course you, of course, right? It's massive empathy, love, self compassion. And is that really true? You're really not going to be okay if that happens? Is it really the end and we and we probe into it further and further until we find some. There's like a relief, there's an insight, there's a liberating moment. So this is a pretty big concept, a pretty big piece of what I'm really helping people transform with. And I said, as I started to record this episode, I realized, okay, this is a, this is a big thing. But I hope this serves you and gives you clarity, insight and options for experiencing when you experience anxiety. And of course, if this is something you want to go further with, you know, this is what I'm helping people with all day, in and out, one on one. I run a mastermind program as well that we're just doing a summer promotion for right now. Now, because I think summer is a phenomenal time. And the program, it's 12 months and it produces life changing results. And one of the reasons it does is because of this, we'll just say, okay, get out there and face your fears, let's go. There is a gradual exposure element that we have that people create and practice and accountability, that's a part of it. But this is an even bigger part, right? Because if you get out there and you're terrified every time, how's that going to help you? So we have to fundamentally change this. And when people do that, their perception of threat radically decreases in the world. It becomes healthy. We actually feel threatened by threatening things. Not by everything. Not by a person saying no to you. Right. Not by your own feelings. So so much liberation is possible. If you're interested in that, go to draziz.com that's-a z I z.com and go to coaching. And there's a thing called the Mastermind or unstoppable confidence Mastermind. You can learn all about it. You can watch a video where I go in depth into what's in how it works, the proven science behind the confidence liberation method that I teach and guide people through. And if you like, you could apply as well. And if it seems like it's a good fit in the application, then, you know, you and I will personally get on a zoom call and talk through your situation, see if it's right for you. So if this appeals to you and you really want to shift this, I would love to support you and just know, you know, regardless if you, you know, want to work with me or not, know that this is really possible to fundamentally change. It's not like you never feel anxious again. I was just telling you an example of me feeling anxious the other night about sleeping. But so this isn't about perfection, but man, I catch it so fast. And as soon as I catch it, I'm like, okay, well, we don't need to do that anymore. Like, let's do something different. And I can do this on bigger and bigger things in life, including, you know, unpleasant health situations or illness in family. And it's not like I'm heartless and I don't care. It's just that there's a I can be here and my nervous system is is more regulated and, and calmer. And I can still feel. I can feel sadness or hope or desire or grief. But it doesn't have to be tinged with so much fear and anxiety and panic, which, coming from someone who lived much of my life with that, it's pretty awesome. So I hope this supports you and if you want to go further, definitely reach out through my website until we speak again may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Azeez. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.