The Secret To Staying Motivated In Building Confidence

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about how you can stay in momentum in 2024 to really become the most confident version of you. Because this is not something that we just decide at the beginning of the year. Maybe you read one of my books and you're like, yeah, I'm fired up. I'm going to do this. That's a very important step. We need that initial spark to get the fire going. But we've all had something where the fire dwindles after a couple of weeks, couple of months. I mean, heck, couple hours maybe, depending on the thing, right? And social confidence, you becoming more free of social anxiety, more bold, more expressive, more authentically you is absolutely a form of training. Definitely think of it like fitness, social fitness, as well as a form of emotional fitness, or the way you treat yourself in your own mind. These are all types of conditioning. And like any conditioning, whether it's your physical body to get in shape or learning an instrument or this, this being the instrument of you and living your most authentic life, most expressive, most bold, most free self who's not under the tyranny of inner criticism, social anxiety, self doubt and guilt. That also is a process that's not going to happen. From reading a book and then getting inspired and it just staying forever like that. I wish, I wish it was that way, actually, I don't wish it was that way. I mean, in my, in my moments, I'm struggling, I'm sure. I wish things would come easily and instantly, and I have no effort in my life. But I really think that the fulfillment that we feel from the breakthrough, from the limitation, the liberation feeling, the victory feeling that comes when you break out of the cage is partly created by how long you were in the cage and how hard it was to get out. And there's some beautiful satisfaction in you breaking free. Just like if you could snap your fingers and be in A mega shape and look exactly how you want to look. It might seem like, of course I would take that. No duh. But I think we get confused that the outcome is the purpose. And it might seem that way. The outcome is kind of the carrot that's dangled in front of us. But the real purpose is becoming who you're meant to be. That's where the real fulfillment is. So this process is absolutely worth it. And it can be, this is key, fulfilling. Along the way, you're gonna learn some of the biggest pitfalls that I've seen with clients that I've worked with who lose that momentum because it's very. It's a natural part of the process to lose momentum. And so I'm going to share what some of those mistakes were, the pitfalls are, and how you can stay strong and keep going. Because make no mistake, that is the key to building all the confidence that you want. It has nothing to do with the stories you tell yourself. I'm weird, I'm different, I'm ugly, I'm boring. I was born this way. I have a problem. People in my family have all been depressed or anxious. Therefore I'm destined to be anxious. There is. So you gotta expand your. What you've taken in the information that you receive. So you're not just kind of scraping the bottom of the barrel of the cultural field and believing in some genetic determinism. I'm a victim, I'm helpless, I'm hopeless. I mean, we've all, we all go there sometimes in our dark moments, but you definitely don't want to live there. And there is so much material on this podcast. You can go back and listen to different interviews I've done. Just type in the word pain in the podcast P A I N in the search, go to shrinkforthshyguy.com and type in pain. I've interviewed so many people, I'm going to be sprinkling in some more in this year because they're stories of, you know, your past doesn't define you. There's a beautiful quote by the psychiatrist Carl Jung, which is, I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become. And that's not just a mind over matter thing. That truly is how this works. And on a, on a biological level, the myth of genetic determinism is dead. Just like, I mean, not that long ago, a couple decades ago, they used to think that the brain, physiologically the neurons of the brain were set for life after a certain age. That was like current scientific thinking. And now that's completely blown out of the water. And now, anyone who has read anything about neurobiology or anything in the mental health field, everyone in the buzzword is neuroplasticity, right? It's like, oh, yeah, the brain changes, of course. Yeah. So, well, of course we all know that now, but, like, 20 years ago, that was not the case at all. And it's the same thing with genetic determinism that people used to think, okay, the nucleus inside the cell holds the code and DNA, and that's basically who you are. And there's some things that. That's true for eye color. Other things are basically genetically determined as you grow inside as a fetus. But some crazy small number, like 2% or 3% of illnesses are actually just a purely genetic expression. Like, you have that gene, you're gonna get this thing. It's extremely small. And so all the other things that people attribute to their genes is actually patterns that are playing. And it's patterns of. It's called epigenetics. Right. It's the patterns of what in your environment turns on or triggers the genes to start activating whatever their process is. So you can have cancer that runs in your family, but if you get canc. Not is not based upon the gene. It's based upon the environment. And does that trigger that? And for humans, the environment can be literally where you live, the toxins in the air. But it also predominantly is your perception of the world around you. And so you live in a fear state. Like, for humans, the mind is a huge part of our environment. If you perceive danger, if you perceive you're unlovable, you're worthless, you don't deserve things in life, it triggers different processes physiologically in your body. And when people say, oh, my mom was anxious, so therefore I'm anxious, there's actually just patterns that are passed down. Patterns of observation, patterns of behavior, patterns of thought, the mind, patterns of energy of how you relate to life. And we learn those things, and those tend to run in families because people are around each other and learning that. So I'm not gonna do a whole deep dive on this, but just know that you are more than you think. That if there's any party that says, yeah, but this is just how it is. This is just who I am. The reason I'm so freaking passionate about this is because that's what kept me stuck in a pit of so, like, pretty severe social anxiety for a decade, was, this is just who I am. This is just how it is. And now that I'm on the other side of it. I'm like, wow, that's freaking crazy. To live a decade of your life from that, and maybe you've lived a decade, 2, 3, 4, 5. It's crazy. It's not true, it's not real. And so the most important thing that you can do to build unstoppable confidence this year is to not stop, is to keep practicing. And so, for example, if you were to physically train, whether that, whatever that is for you, you know, running, biking, lifting, pickleball, whatever you're into, if you were to do that consistently over the course of the year, you would grow better at that sport, stronger in that athletic endeavor. It doesn't matter if you tell yourself, I'm good enough, I'm not good enough, I'm pretty, I'm ugly, I'm smart, I'm dumb. If you just do the thing, you'll get better at it. And that is exactly how this process works. So the key is freeing yourself from the story that it's not possible. That's the biggest initial step. And then once you've made that step, then it's about staying in the process. And now we get into the realm of momentum and fuel and where it can run out. And so I was speaking with a gentleman in my Mastermind program about this, and he's been in the program for about five months. He's made a ton of progress. And he's also noticed in the last maybe couple weeks, month or so, it's like a little harder to get himself to do this stuff. His fuel is kind of running out. And I said, okay, well, tell me about it. And, well, when he came into the program, you know, he was so sick and tired of being more socially anxious and restricted and couldn't approach people and wanted to make more friends, but was scared and was so frustrated. And he got in there, he's like, I'm. Do whatever it takes. I was like, that's awesome. That right there is what I would call pain fuel. Pain fuel is, I'm in a lot of pain, and f this, I'm gonna do whatever it takes to break free. Pain fuel is freaking powerful. Pain fuel is like rocket fuel. And in fact, think about that metaphor. When they launch a rocket, they have huge canisters of fuel that are attached to the rocket. I mean, these things are carrying I don't know how many gallons of fuel, but it's like high burning, extreme explosive fuel. Way more than the gasoline in your car. Or as they would say in Mad Max Fury Road Ghazaline. I love that term. My kids have never seen that movie because that would be, that would be bad. I think as a parent, you know, no judgment of you if you've done this, but as a parent, I don't think I should show my 8 and 10 year old fury Road quite yet. It's a bit of a disturbing movie. We'll wait till they're. Wait till they're at least 11 and 13 now. Anyway, they call it guzzoline. So my kids will sometimes refer to gas as guzzoline, but they don't even know all the debauchery that's in that film. In any case, it's way more powerful than the guzzling you put in your car. And it costs millions of dollars of this fuel just to launch a rocket. And that is power, man. You just. Have you ever seen a rocket take off? You should YouTube some rocket launches. You just. There's this. It's like the earth turns to fire. It's one of the most majestic things humans can do. I mean, we can do a lot of cool stuff, but I mean, we are taking this hunk of metal and we are shooting it into the heavens. Behold the power. And this thing creates this cloud of smoke that goes for miles and then out shoots this rocket, tons of metal, straight into space. And that's super powerful fuel. Now when you're in pain and I, okay, two things can happen when you're in a lot of pain and you don't think that you can change. That's why I started this episode with like, hey, those stories are BS that you're telling yourself that you can't make a change here. But if you think you can't change, then it's one of those launches, those tragic launches where they just like kick off the burner and then the whole thing just freaking explodes. And you just stay on the ground like, okay, I'm done. But the other way pain fuel can go is shoot you straight up into the sky. And then you're going, you're like, I'm doing what it takes. I'm going to approach people, I'm going to face my fears. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. We're going to go. Yes. Then it's powerful, but you're burning a lot of fuel. It's not the most economical use of energy, but it is what's needed in that moment. It's got a current of survival energy to it. I need to do this to survive. Enough of this, right? There's a power in it, but it's also. It can hear my voice. There's a little bit of tension. And we can only sustain that for so long because we're not meant to be in that fight. Flight, push through, breakthrough stage for that long. That's a useful state to get into when needed. You can't live there. And so what ends up happening is there's a fatigue that sets in. And that fatigue might be literally like tired, but it also can just be a. You think about pulling out the materials and studying. You think about going out and doing things and you're just like, oh man. Okay, and what's the problem? And so that what happens, I like to think of as a rocket has gotten. It's going, it's going, it's going. But it hasn't broken through the gravitational pull of the Earth yet. At least the strongest part. I know that stuff's in. That's in orbit is still in the pull of the Earth's gravitation, but it's in a. It's in a very slow descent, right? It's getting pulled around the planet for years before it crashes into it. So. But if you haven't made it to that point yet, you know, if that rocket stopped firing its jets 30,000ft above the ground or 50,000ft above the ground, it's going to go. It's probably not going to make that cartoon falling sound, but this is just for audio sake. And crash back down. And that's what happens to a lot of people is they lose momentum and then they go way back down. Because they didn't break into a new level. They didn't break the gravitational pull of what in this case. Because in this case it's not the Earth. Right. That's a metaphor. You didn't break the gravitational pull of your old patterns because the pain fuel rocket is pushing away from the old patterns. I'm gonna make something new, but the old ones are still in there. They're not gonna like you. It's not gonna go well. And you're like, no, forget that. I'm gonna go talk to this person. Cause I'm not gonna listen. I need something better in my life. And you go do it and you might have a negative experience, they reject you, and then you have to work with all that stuff inside. Or maybe you have a positive experience. But you know, the thing is, is that gravitational pull is still there. So even though you have a positive response, the next time you go approach somebody, there's still fear in there because the Old story persists and it does some weird distortion or deletion of the new evidence and says, well, I mean, that was probably a fluke. I was lucky. This next one's not gonna go well, right? And so now you have to, okay, I'm gonna gear up and push through. And you can do them. You can do this for months depending on how motivated you are, how determined you are, how much willpower, how frustrated, how desperate you are. But if you just keep going with that fuel, it will go and start to putter out at some point. Because what's needed is a new way, a new way. And I love this metaphor of breaking through. Because all of a sudden, once you get far enough from that gravitational pull, all of a sudden, boom. Everyone's floating in their ships, right? You ever seen astronauts just like floating around? When I was a kid, I thought that was the coolest thing in the world. I hungered to do that in my life. It was like a essential life goal. When I was like 8 years old and I remember there was this thing called Space Camp that they had in, somewhere in Texas, right? Houston, wherever NASA's big stuff was. And I grew up in California, so this was, you know, halfway across the country. And it was in the days before the Internet. So you couldn't just look it up and see pictures and videos about it. But what I heard, you know, from somebody or through something was that at Space Camp, you know, you spend a week there and they have some machine or two tank that you're in that somehow simulates no gravity and you float around it. And I was like, oh my God, that's so cool. I have to go to Space Camp. And I forget it was like some crazy amount of money. And my parents were like, no, we're not, we're not sending you to Space Camp. I was like, boo boo. In any case, I still love that image and I can almost sense or feel it now. My likelihood of going to space is probably low at this point. Just going to put that out there. But I don't know, maybe we can go Space Camp. This is like a bunch of 8 year old kids and a 41 year old dude. Out of the way, kids. Get out of the way. It's my turn in the floaty tank pushed one over. He pushed me. Shut up. It's my turn. I've been waiting for this. I deserve this. In any case, you break through and then you start floating. And that is the what the shift is like when you're using that pain fuel to a new Kind of fuel. What's the new fuel? Ah, that's the question, right? And I can give you some ideas, but the answer is what? It's something for you to discover. Because there's not just one answer. But I can point to some things that I've seen for other people, for myself. But if I just tell you, oh, it's this, and then you, like, try to do it, it doesn't quite click. You have to experience it, you have to sense it, you have to feel it. And so let me tell you through a story. I was talking to this gentleman in the Mastermind, and. And I said, well, what's something that you want to do that you notice you don't have as much motivation for? He's like, well, you know, I. I was studying your materials every night and I would go out on the weekends and I'd go socialize. And I said, well, if you imagine going out, you know, as three or four friends, you're gonna go to this. He liked to go to, you know, shows and music and stuff. And I was like, let's say you're gonna go to a show with some friends and socialize and meet people. You know, how does that. How does that feel to you right now? And he's like, ah, you know, you could tell on his face even before he answered the question. It's like, ah, you know, it's like, I gotta work at it. I said, what if it wasn't work? He looked at me like, but it is work. And I was like, well, why is it work? I said, is there anyone here who going out to be with some friends and go to a show would not be work? A couple people raised their hand. I said, okay, how about you? And we heard from a woman. I was like, hey, well, if I, you know, like the people I'm spending time with, it just sounds like fun. So there's a way that this gentleman was holding it. There's a way that you're holding it that makes it work. And what's the work? It's the old gravitational pull. So in him, it's like I gotta push through to get myself to do it, because what I don't know, they're not gonna like me. I have to perform socially. I gotta make sure that I'm with my friends, that they feel okay. And I can't go talk to new people because then they're gonna feel abandoned. I don't want to talk to new people because maybe they're not going to talk to me when someone says, no to me, I'm going to feel really bad about myself. And if those patterns are running, it's the old way. It's the old gravitational pull, the old stories, the old beliefs, the old fears. It is going to be work. So we need something new. We need a whole new fuel. So what do you need to focus on that makes it more fun? What do you need to feel that makes it more energizing? What if you were focused on connecting with people? What if you're focused on getting curious about someone? What if you're focused on the music when you were there? What would you need to believe about yourself in order for it to be fun? What would need to change? You don't need to know how yet, but if, like, man, well, if I didn't care what other people thought of me, it'd be great, okay? Or if I believed that everyone wants to talk to me, then I'd have a lot more fun approaching people. Okay, now you're getting a sense. And for that momentum to persist, you have to have a couple of things. One is it can't all be about this future goal of like, in six months, I'm gonna be here and it's gonna be awesome. I mean, that's good to know what your six month goal, year goal further out is. But you're not gonna. It makes it hard because each day you're working on it, it's like, well, I'm not there yet. I'm still six months away. It's frustrating, it creates impatience or demoralization. So what I found is we gotta find a way for it to be rewarding right now. Now, before you go do it, there might be a little cringey, like, ooh, I'm scared. Oh, I'm nervous. That's fine. But right on the other side of it, you're like, that was awesome. The perfect example is I have a cold plunge at my house every day. Before I do it, there's the cringy part that's like, but it's cold. And I remind myself, hey, in two minutes on the other side of this, probably not even two minutes, within 30 seconds after you get into it, but I do it for two minutes on the other side of that, you're gonna feel so much better, you're gonna feel awesome. And how can you create that in the areas of social confidence? You might say, well, I go talk to people and I don't feel awesome afterwards. Okay? That's the thing to address to get the momentum that you need. What pattern are you running that Makes it not feel awesome. Are you picking at yourself afterwards? Are you running through and combing through and finding all your faults and mistakes and ways that you messed up? Do you see it as a performance? Are you critical of yourself afterwards? Do you feel like it wasn't enough? Are you worrying about if someone was upset with you? Because any one of those patterns is gonna take you straight back, it's gonna drain your fuel, take you straight back to the, you know, crash landing on the earth. So to really sustain fuel for the long haul, the amount of practice that's needed to really build this social fitness, first you start with that compelling future thinking about not. You're not just getting off of the earth, right? You're going to a new star. What, what is that new version of you? And the beginning of the year is a perfect time to really tune into that like this. Okay, over the course of this year, what is the socially free me? How do I want to be? In fact, I asked this gentleman in the group, I said, what if you were just totally free from all these patterns and you were approaching people relating in just the most confident way possible and all of a sudden he just smiled and he'd say, well, I would just chat with people, I would just have fun. I would just approach a lot of people, I'd make jokes, I'd ask questions I was really curious about. And his whole energy changed and asked people in the group, I was like, did you guys see that? And they're like, yes, yes. He was very different, right? And it's like, okay, that's the new vision, that's who you want to step into. So that's the big motivator. And then if you have this beautiful vision, but then every day is a slog, you're not going to want to do it. So he needs to find how to make the engagements rewarding now where on the other side of it, he's going to feel great. And you can, you can absolutely do that even before you're your perfected social self. You know, I use this in strength training where I have these goals of things I want to be able to do or ways I want to look at my body. And then, you know, if every day, after every session you're checking, am I there yet? Am I there yet? It's demoralizing. So the purpose of the daily exercise is to feel great. I know that if I do some sort of cardio, I'm going to feel, I'm going to feel great. That one's a no brainer instantly I'm going to get some endorphins, some runners high, and then if it's strength training, man, I'm gonna feel strong in my body that, that during that workout and that day. Not some future distant thing, but I'm gonna feel good. I'm gonna feel like all my muscles are activated. I can feel it. I can feel like my body when my, when I move and I have my T shirt on, I'll feel it on my body. Everything just feels like energized. And that's how you get motivation for the day to day. So let's talk about how to put this into action. Time for action. Action, action. Your action step is to find what would make it really enjoyable. And maybe it's a different kind of activity. You're like, I'm supposed to go out to this thing and meet people, but you don't like it. I mean, I made a decision a long time ago, many moons ago, that I don't basically at all go to bars. That's just not my thing. I don't, I don't really find I can enjoy it as much. And that hasn't really changed. I still don't go to bars. It's less of a thing now. But even when I was younger, even I was in my twenties, I just rarely did it. Now I would go to shows that had a bar there, but they were, it was there for music. I loved Edmund. So I would go to places that had bars, but I wasn't there to hang out at a bar. And I also decided I was gonna meet people socially in different settings other than bars, for dating, for friendship. And a lot of the people that I knew in my early 20s, mid-20s, that was their jam bars all over the place. Right? So it might be an environment change. It also might be, are you running a pattern that just diminishes and sucks the joy out of the experience, in which case that's something to work on, right? Find the pattern, identify it. What are the stories you tell yourself, challenge it. There's lots of episodes in here of this podcast that will support you in that process. And if you want some step by step ways to really shift those stories and progressively do this and have the steps laid out for you, definitely check out Confidence University. You can go to drazziz.com,-r-a z I z.com and then under products it'll say Confidence University. Check that out. It's a beautiful time of year to really make a change and decide you're gonna do something and actually put it into practice. Not just have it be a a fantasy or a wish, but really practical, actionable steps that you're going to take to build this confidence. And that's the key takeaway here is this is absolutely buildable. It's absolutely trainable. Just a matter of staying in the process, which makes you unstoppable. So until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.