The Secret To Stop Needing Everyone’s Approval

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon, welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz.

Heyo. Welcome to another episode of the show. Today is going to be all about letting go of needing everyone's approval. A powerful secret I want to share with you. It's going to really help you stop feeling that craving, needing. I need this person to like me. And then all of that fear that comes on top of that. So you might not even be aware right now of the needing everyone's approval. You might just feel anxious around people or nervous around certain people, certain kinds of people, maybe someone you find attractive or groups of people or powerful people or whatever it is. In those situations you might feel anxious, self conscious, observing yourself, judging yourself. And you might not be aware of this, although you might be if you've listened to a lot of the show. What's underneath that is actually you needing everyone's approval there. So we're going to talk about that and then how to be free of that. A secret to stop needing that. So I'm excited. This is powerful stuff. Fresh out of a Mastermind call we just had in my unstoppable confidence Mastermind. I love those calls. We dive in deep and really dig into this stuff. And this was one of the most powerful transforming calls. Many people that week and during the next call said something shifted in me in a really significant way from being on that call. So I thought let's take the best nuggets and share them with you for free. Oh yes, and thanks for listening. If you. If you are enjoying the show, please do me a favor and go to Shrink for the wherever you found this on itunes, something on your podcast search, you can even go to shrinkforthshyguy.com and there's a link there to go to itunes. But somewhere where you can leave this show a review, preferably a five star review, but whatever you think it deserves. But this will help me reach more people, which is my goal. And I in the past didn't ask very much because it was my own edge. It was uncomfortable. But there's a new chapter. There's a chapter in my new book, I should say the Art of Extraordinary Confidence, which is called asking. And it's all about the power of asking. The more we ask for what we want, the more we get and helping people work through all the discomfort and fear around asking. So it would be ironic if I was teaching that but then not doing it myself. So that's my ask if you'd like to give it a review. It can help me reach more people, which is my goal. And let's talk about how you can feel more comfortable, more relaxed, more powerful, more free around anyone. Are you ready? All right, let's do this. So when you're feeling nervous around someone, usually you're wanting something specific. You're wanting them to like you, to laugh at your jokes, to smile, to be, you know, think about that. There's someone you want that's a beautiful woman you want to talk to, or a studly man, or, you know, your boss at work, or a new potential client or customer if you have your own business. And if you imagine that interaction going well, exactly how you'd want it to go, it's probably going to involve them smiling or them laughing or them saying yes or something along those lines. And it doesn't involve them shaking their head in confusion, having a grimace on their face, and their mouth is all puckered up like they just smelled something terrible. Right? That's not the reaction that you want. So at the core of it, we want approval, an approving energy towards us. Yes, I like you. You're doing great. I want to help you. I want to buy from you. We want all the approving and we don't want any of the disapproving. So any situation where you're nervous, just check right through your mind right now. Whose approval are you needing? If you're nervous in a meeting at work, are you needing everyone's approval or is it just one particular person or a couple of people? And there's some people there, you're like, man, I don't care about them. But some people, you're like, oh, they better think I'm really smart or else. And so smart there. Approval is kind of a vague or general term, but there's specific kinds of approving energy. We want. We want people to think that we're smart, that were funny, that we're interesting, that we're valuable, that we have something good to offer, that we're worth whatever love or attention or money or buying from us, hiring us. So there's specific instances in your life. I'm categorizing them all as approval right now. So here is. The first problem is trying to get that approval. Here's the thing. We all want it, of course, right? That's a human need. We're social creatures. We want positive, harmonious interactions with each other. It feels good. Feels better when someone's smiling and laughing with you than when someone's frowning and saying, they don't like you. It's duh. So of course we want the first one. But the problem is when we are trying to get it, and on some level, we unconsciously feel like we need it, or else we're not. Okay. And what this is like is you have a cup inside of you, and your cup is empty, and you're going from interaction to interaction, conversation to conversation, potential dating partner to potential dating partner, and you're saying, hey, can you put some water in my cup? Huh? You got a little water for me, please? And it's hard. There's something about that. I mean, as big as your heart is, as compassionate of a human as you are, when there's that person who's, like, asking something of you when you're just walking to the store or walking down the street, isn't there a part of you that kind of doesn't want to or is like, I don't want to deal with that, or I don't want to make eye contact with them? And sometimes maybe you give and maybe you give generously, but there's something about that dynamic where it just doesn't feel. You're not like, hell, yeah, I'm excited to do it, and I feel great doing it, usually. Right? So there's something about when we're asking in that way and that kind of, I need this. There's a little bit of desperation or neediness to it, and that is generally an unattractive energy. It's an energy that we generally don't respond well to. Maybe guilt, or we do it to be nice, but those are not. Those are not great ways that we want people to respond to us. So that is the first problem is feeling like we're needing it. And this is especially important. I mean, in all areas of life, but especially in dating and relationships. And so we need to learn how to turn this around. Because if you approach women with that energy, which I did for many years, you just don't get very good responses. They don't really want to talk with you, or they do, but they're just kind of friendly for a few minutes, but then don't actually want to date you. Or maybe they'll go on one date, but then don't want more. I experienced all of those things, and it was because I had this desperate, kind of needy energy, which ended up being very unattractive because I was needing her to approve of me. So if you relate to this, you know, you're probably a human. We all do. And let's talk about how to shift this. Let's talk about how to let go. So in the next segment, I'm going to share the secret to stop needing everyone's approval. This is powerful. You're going to want to listen to this. Stay tuned. We'll be right back right after this.

Dr. Aziz's book the Solution to Social Anxiety continues to get great reviews from readers from all over the world.

World.

Here is a recent review from Amazon.com the title is true. This book contains the solution. Thank you Dr. Aziz. This is an amazing book. The first part explains in great detail about the causes of social anxiety. Then the second half explains how to shift your story and make a shift. It offers great advice. I am truly thankful I bought this book. I've been stuck in anxious, thinking, feeling and behaving for most of my life and I didn't think I could ever get better. I've read so many books on this subject. I've tried and failed so many times. Dr. Aziz is so cool and easy going and has a great teaching style. I'm just starting the journey out of this with the advice in this book. I can overcome my past patterns. I I'm going to live a loving and self compassionate life and give to the world and my family, the real me. Thanks again Dr. Aziz. Buy this book. You won't be disappointed. To get your copy today, go to socialanxietysolution.com.

Welcome back. So what is the way out of this needing everyone's approval? Well, you remember I mentioned in the first part of the show about having a cup that's empty and, and you're going around trying to get people to fill it. So what you're doing is you're trying to get something from everyone that you meet. Even if it's subtle, even if you're hiding it, you're energetically trying to get something from them. And let me ask you this. When you're gonna talk to someone, are you gonna be, let's say it's a total stranger, someone you've never met before, the only thing that you know right as they're walking over towards you, let's say you could know this for certain that you know that they're gonna try to get something from you or they're gonna try to give something to you, which one would you be more interested in? Well, you're probably like, well it depends on what they're trying to give me, right? This is why I love this show. Being explicit because I can say this, but have you seen that it's an older bit from Chris Rock where he talks about how behind every thing that a man does when he's interacting with a woman is he wants to have sex with her. And so he's like, buying her a drink. And Chris Rock is like. He's saying, do you want a drink? But what he's really meaning is, hey, do you want some dick? So if you're listening, you're probably like, well, it depends on what they want to give me. But, you know, just in a general way, do you want to have someone trying to get something from you or someone who wants to give to you to add to your life? And across the board, we as humans respond better to someone giving something to us than someone trying to get something. That doesn't mean you can't ask for what you want or any of those lines. But in general, we want to come from an attitude of what can I give here rather than what can I get? So when I hear a client or a man who's just emailing me or someone, he's like, I want to get laid or I want to get a woman, it's like, okay, that might be part of your problem. Not that you want sex or that you have sexual desire. There's nothing wrong with that. I mean, that way of you trying to have that in your life is going to be less effective. Some might say suboptimal. Not bad, but suboptimal. So the way out is to fill your cup and become the source of approval. You fill that cup, and then your cup is full. And so when you meet someone, it's kind of spilling over. Hey, I got something for you. Well, what is it that you have for them? You don't have to give them money or time or, you know, your help them move or something. No, what you give them is approval, is attention and approval. Now, approval doesn't mean you have to agree with everything they say or approve of everything about them. It's just in your energy, it's in your eye contact, it's in your attitude. It's like, hey, you're a valuable person. I'm gonna engage with you and I'm gonna look at you, I'm gonna talk with you, I'm gonna give you my attention. And when you're looking for approval or how to give approval, you start to notice things differently. What do I like about this person? What's funny about this person? How can I make this person laugh? How can I bring some joy or excitement or something fun to there? What's a Fun story I can share with them. What's an interesting question I'm getting curious about that I want to ask them and you start to think in a totally different way and you might be wondering, well how do I fill my cup? I mean that's a vague, sounds philosophically sounds good but how do I do that? Well, your cup is just love man. Right. And approval is just like a little form of love. So when your cup is empty you're trying to get that approval. You're saying hey will you like me? That's you're devoid of liking, of love, so you need more love. That's how you're going to fill your cup. And how do you do that? Well, first and foremost is transforming the way you relate to yourself with self love and that is the biggest thing because that controls how you treat yourself, how you feel about yourself, how you interpret events in your life and whether you let them make you feel good or not. And also how much you let in from others because a lot of us have a little narrow straw. That's the amount that we can let in of love from other people. It's like a little tiny bit and we want to expand that. And one of the most powerful ways that I know how to do that would be through my program, the confidence code which the whole first half of that program is about mastering your self esteem which then opens the doors for the second half of the program which is mastering conversation skills. But you can't talk to people well if you don't like yourself, if you don't have that cup full. So that's a powerful way to start. You can go to YourConfidenceCode.com and enter your email there to learn all about the program as well as I send you a free ebook as well. So self love is how you fill the cup. Other things that you do to just feel full of love. Maybe it's time with your friends. I know for me spending time, couple hours or even longer with a good buddy that makes me laugh man, I feel so charged up afterwards. I feel so full. My heart is full, my cup is full. Maybe even just interacting with people in the world around you instead of hiding from them and closed off and now don't talk to me, just that casual interaction, starting a conversation, asking them a question and you can actually fill this sense of fullness in you. But there's something else that's even more powerful and I want to take one more break here. I'm going to share it with you. So these are some general ways. We're going to get to one very specific way that I think is going to turn everything around for you. Around Letting go of needing anyone's approval. Stay tuned. We'll be right back right after this.

No, I can't. I'm not good enough. No one will like me. You're so ugly. Why would anyone pay you more? No, I can't. I'm not good enough. No one will like me. Tired of the same old loop in your brain? Are you ready for something different? Positive thinking won't get you there. You need to systematically dismantle your old toxic ideas and profoundly shift your mindset. Join Dr. Aziz in confidence Unleashed as he guides you through dozens of powerful exercises to transform your confidence on the deepest level. Go to confidenceunleashednow.com to get your copy today.

Welcome back. So here is a super powerful mindset or approach that's really going to help you to stop needing everyone's approval. Are you ready? And this is one of the things, specific things that came out of the mastermind call I was mentioning earlier. Here is a powerful insight. Everyone needs love. Everyone. And you might, the way you're holding it, you might see someone like a beautiful woman or that successful business person, or the person that I want to be in the company, or that really popular guy that everyone seems to like and wants to be his friend. You look at them as somehow different. Well, they don't need love. They don't need anything because they got it all going on. They got the money or they're beautiful or they got attention or they're popular. But guess what? Everyone needs love. Even that beautiful woman, even that powerful successful person, even that popular guy who's got the friends and dresses cool and seems to have it all together. Because here's the thing. Deep down, who really loves themself 100%, fully, unconditionally, all the time. I mean, that's one of my goals in this life. And I'm a perpetual student of that. That is not easy. That's not just you click a button and oh, I'm done forever. No, it's a continual practice, right? And we keep learning deeper and deeper and more and more powerful ways to let go of conditional love, of judging ourselves, of being hard on ourselves for our body or for appearance or for an outcome or anything. And we need to continue that practice. But at the end of the day, everyone needs that love. In fact, I used to do a lot of therapy back before I started coaching. And I worked with all kinds of clients and I worked in college settings and even in high schools, and then on to working with adults, too. And I ended up working with a number of very beautiful women. And guess what? Tons of insecurity. In fact, sometimes some of these women were just so gorgeous. But there was so much pain inside, so much. Comparing herself to other people and why this person is better than her or more attractive than her, and so much she would focus in on the negative parts of her body and hate them. And it's remarkable because you're like, this is not what I would expect. This is someone who seems like they have it all together. So everyone needs love. Everyone. And when you know that and you have something to give, then you don't have to walk around being like, I love everybody. I mean, maybe you'll feel that way, I don't know. But just more like a little toned down, right? Just you can give approval to anyone. You can give them your attention and you'll know in the moment how it's going to show up. You don't have to pre plan this. It's just an energy, it's an attitude. It's a place that you come from. What can I give here? How can I give love here? What do I love about this person? What do I like about this person? How can I compliment this person? How can I make this person laugh? And when you come from that knowing deep down that everyone needs love, everyone's vulnerable in that way, then it unlocks something powerful. In fact, I touch on this in my book, the Art of Extraordinary Confidence, which is awesome. You should pick up a copy. It's available on Amazon and itunes, and audible. You can get a Kindle or paperback or audio version. And in there I have a Hafiz poem which I'm going to read to you. One second. I'm going to grab the book right now. So this Hafiz poem, if you don't know Hafiz, he's a, I don't know, 12th century or something, Sufi poet. And this poem is awesome. That's why I put it in the book. So sit back, relax and listen to this. With that moon language, admit something. Everyone you see, you say to them, love me. Of course you do. Not do this out loud, otherwise someone would call the cops. Still though, think about this. This great pull in us to connect. Why not become the one who lives with a full moon in each eye that is always saying with that sweet moon language what every other eye in this world is dying to hear. We all need love. We all want it. So the most powerful Way to stop needing everyone's approval is to see that you are the source of approval. You are not a beggar, you are the source. You have an unlimited source. And the more you practice filling that cup, the more you can give it. And the more you can give it, the more people are drawn to you, the more magnetically charged you become. So that if you initiate, the person wants to talk with you back, or the more you do this, you might even find people approaching you. People feel that energy and they're drawn to you and it's powerful, awesome. And that before we end though, we gotta do one thing, which is how you're turn this into action. So that brings us to your action step.

Time for action.

Your action step for today is to practice being the source of approval. So when you go out to work, to social situation, whatever you have going on today or the next day, say, what if I were the source of approval? And then practice being that. Interacting with someone and noticing, how could I give them approval right now? Maybe in a very subtle way, maybe in a very casual way, maybe just with my attention and my eye contact, whatever it is, holding it that way, you are the source. And noticing how that affects how you show up, what you say, what you do. If anxiety evaporates and confidence emerges, whatever your experience is with that, the key is to keep practicing it, becoming that source of approval and then finding ways to fill up your own cup with self, love, time with friends, talking with people in the world around you, whatever it is that fills you up, a hobby, something that you love, a walk in the woods, art, music, whatever fills your cup up so that you can give that love and be amazed at the response you get. Because when you give in that way, life gives you everything you want back in return and more. Thanks for being with me today. Thanks for listening and I commend you for your commitment to transforming, to growing in your confidence to higher and higher levels. You are a brother or a sister on the path and I love and appreciate you. Thanks so much for being with me today. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Talk to you soon.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.