The Skill Of Self-Confidence: How To Be Relaxed Talking To Anyone

Are you stuck in the performance game? Does every conversation or interaction or every time you speak up in a meeting, does it feel like it has to be a performance, like you're being graded and evaluated? And if so, we're gonna help you drop that in today's episode so you can just show up more relaxed, more free to just put stuff out there and stop evaluating yourself. Welcome to another episode of the Art of extraordinary confidence. I'm Dr. Aziz, and this is a show for you. If you want to 10x your confidence, you're playing that game. You want to get your confidence not just a little better, but massively transform your confidence so you can get out there and earn more money. Step up in your business, create a business. If you haven't done that yet, put yourself out there for sales, for public speaking, for your personal life, for your social life, for dating, relationships, all of that stuff is what we're helping you maximize in this show. And today, we're going to focus on something that is going to free you up to be more of yourself and be so much more relaxed in all settings. Business, personal, dating, everything. And here's what it is. Talking to people is not a performance. That's the big shift that we're going to make in today's day. It's not a performance. I mean, so many of us approach it as if we're being graded, as if we're being evaluated. In fact, we are by ourselves. Usually that's the main person who's evaluating us. We're also the strictest graders of ourselves. Right. So here's how you know you're in performance mode. It's like you're feeling tense or pressured about the conversation. You are observing yourself while you're having the conversation or while you're doing the presentation or whatever. And then you're also afterwards analyzing it. Was that good enough? Did I do good enough? They responded like this. At that point, I don't know. And there's all this overthinking of it, and that's how you know you're in performance mode. And that's the distinction. There's performance mode versus connection mode. Performance mode is all of that stuff. And performance mode is problematic for a number of reasons. One, when you're in performance mode, are you feeling more tense or more relaxed? More tense, Right? You're on the spot, you're being evaluated. It's like an oral exam. And when we're tense, are we more spontaneous, more fun, more intelligent, more witty, more humorous, or are we more shut down, more nervous? More stilted, more awkward. You got it. All of those things. Performance mode makes us tight and awkward and nervous because we're not sure what the right thing to do is. So we start freezing up a little bit or we do it, but we kind of. We're tense. And people feel that energy of tension, subtle stuff. Tension in your neck, tension in your back. It's subtle, but people feel that. And it's not terrible, but it definitely might push them away a little bit or detract from the outcome that you want for that situation. So performance mode makes us tense. And also guess where the focus is on performance mode. Where is your focus going when you're in performance mode? That's right. On you. On me, me, me. How am I doing? How did I look? What do people think of me, me, me. Right. There's a kind of horrible obsession with ourselves in this self conscious way. And if we're focusing on me, who am I not focusing on? That's right, you. And what does someone prefer typically, especially if I'm talking, if I want to date someone and on the date and I'm focused on me. You think she's going to like that? No, she wants to focus on her. If I'm in a sales conversation, do you think they care about me and focusing on me? No, they want me to focus on them and their challenge and if I can help them solve it, any situation, it's better in a group. You're speaking to a group. Is it better to be focused on me? No, it's better to be focused on the group. Are they getting what I'm saying? Can I help them here? So when the focus is on us, it really kills our ability to do whatever we're there to do. And so performance mode is overall bad. It doesn't get the results that we want. So you can just drop that shit like a, like a 10 ton truck, like a hot coal. That's better, right? Just drop it. Drop it. You don't need to do it. It's nothing. It's not a performance. What is it about that? And I was talking with a client about this and he shows up to everything as if it's a performance, a business conversation. He wants to acquire a new business as a performance. He wants to talk to his family members at a family gathering. His performance, everything's a performance. So he's like, well, what is it? What is it if it's not a performance? And I was like, that's a great question. Well, it's not about performing. It's not about proving something. Maybe it's just about connection. Maybe it's just about connection. Well, what does that mean, just about connection? I was like, well, so connection is you show up and you have an attitude. I think there's two components to it. One is you're curious about them. That's a big part of connection, is I'm curious. I can't connect with you if I'm like, I don't care about you. So I got to know like, well, who is this person? What's going on with them? And that could be personally, right? Like, I want to get to know you. I want to find out more about you. I'm drawn to you, I'm attracted to you. Or it could be business, professional. Like I've still got, still got to be curious, you know, if it's another business and we need to work together, it's like, well, what are they looking for? What can they give us? What do you do? And if it's someone that I want to sell something to or offer a service to, then I'd be like, well, what do you need? What are your challenges? What are your problems? Maybe we have a solution for you. So regardless of whether it's professional or personal, we gotta be curious about them. That's a big part of connection. The second thing though, and this one's huge. And this is where people like Dale Carnegie and all the how to win friends and influence people, they really miss the boat on this one because they're like, just focus on the other person 100% and people will love you. It's like, well, yes, and that's not very satisfying. It never was for me. The second thing that we got to do to connect is self expression. We got to express ourselves because otherwise it feels like we're just, you know, we're just, we're all, it's all about 100% about them and we're not even there. That doesn't feel very good for us, right? So we want to be able to express ourselves. And that means sharing something about yourself, sharing a story about yourself, sharing some information about yourself, sharing your humor, sharing your idea, sharing something. And that is going to help you feel connected and it's also going to help them feel connected because on some level they want to know a little bit about you as well. Even if it's a purely business situation, if you just try to keep everything closed about it and just reveal nothing about yourself in a business situation, people are a little mistrusting. Like, why is he. I don't know him. I don't trust him yet. Obviously, same thing for personal life. If you got to share. If you just go on a date and you just focus entirely on her and ask her a bunch of questions at first, she might like that, but after a little while, she's like, I don't know this guy. I mean, I don't even know anything. Why wouldn't he share anything about himself? Right? So it's those two things, curiosity and expression. And so if you show up to an interaction and my goal is to be curious about them and then to express myself as how it fits to that situation, that's an amazing way to show up. You're going to be. How much more relaxed are you going to be? Because you can just. There is no performance. There's no. It doesn't even make sense. It's not even the same way of approaching it. So you go from performance mode to connection mode. So what I'd like you to do is during this week, if you notice yourself getting tense about conversations before they happen, or tense during or uncomfortable afterwards, you're replaying it, you're evaluating it. Just say, hey, wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm in performance mode right right now, and I don't need to be in performance mode. Let me get into connection mode. How can I show up more in connection mode? And remember those two components? Being curious about them or the group, if it's a group of people, and expressing yourself. If you do those two things, you're going to totally relax and you're going to feel a lot better. And then you know, from a relaxed place, you're going to get much better results, whether you want to get the date or you want to get the sale or you want to earn more money in your business or get more contracts. When you're more relaxed and you're just there to connect with people, man, magic happens. So go forth, apply that in your life. Leave your comments below, let us know how it goes. Share I love reading that stuff and check out other episodes of the show that will keep you going, keep your mind growing in this area of confidence. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.