The Skill of Self-Confidence with Dr. Ivan Joseph

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon. Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz.

Hey, everybody. Welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about the skill self confidence. And that's absolutely right. It is a skill. In fact, that's an important thing for you to check with yourself right now. Deep down, have you been holding onto the story or the myth that confidence is something that people are born with. And if you've been listening to this show, then you might have challenged that myth. Or you've read my eBook, Five Steps to Unleash youh Inner Confidence, which you can get a free copy of, by the way, by going to shrinkforthshyguy.com and shrinkforthshyguy.com, go there and check out the show notes. And on our interviews, we have links to the guests and their sites and how to learn from them more. But you can also get a free ebook there that is full of powerful stuff. And in there I talk about the three biggest confidence myths. And one of them is that you're either born with it or you're not. And even if we don't walk around saying that to ourselves in our head, we subtly think that we subtly create this. Like, oh, well, they could do that because look at them. Or they were taller or they're better looking or it just comes more naturally to them. I've never been that kind of person. Have you ever said that sort of stuff to yourself? I know I have. And what we're doing when we buy into that is we're denying the truth, which is that self confidence is a skill. And this is something that's been proven not only in research, but in real practical experience and not only just my own. In fact, today we have an extra special guest, a very inspiring, influential man who is a master of generating confidence not just in himself, but in his players, in his team. And we'll get into that expert interview in just a moment. I'll introduce him. But what I'm going to encourage you to do is close everything else out. If you have something else open, get ready to take notes. If you're driving, take mental notes because this is super powerful stuff. There's a lot of concrete stuff in this interview that you can use right now, today to start building the skill of self confidence. But one more thing before we dive into that interview, really take a moment right now to see if you can get on board with self confidence being a skill. And one way to do that is to think about some thing in your life that you used to not be confident at. Pick just one thing. It could be socially, it could be in your dating life, it could be even a sport or an instrument where you were at one point in your life you had no confidence or very little confidence, and now you feel quite confident in that area. Have you thought of one thing? Most people can think of at least one thing, maybe more, but just pay attention to that. You learned that you built that confidence. You might even want to reflect on how you did that. But we're going to dive even deeper in this interview. You're going to get a ton of valuable stuff. Without further ado, let's get right to it.

Expert Interview.

My guest Expert today is Dr. Ivan Joseph, and he leads individuals, teams and organizations to success. So he has been a professor and a soccer coach at Graceland University. And when he was there, he developed the soccer program from the ground up, leading both the men's and the women's teams to a number one national ranking and the men's team to a national championship. He's been recognized by the national association of Intercollegiate Athletics as National Coach of the year in 2006, and he got three time coach of the year by another organization. And now he's the director of athletics at Ryerson University in Toronto. And he's involved in the athletic department improving team performance. And he's also spearheading $100 million renovation of the historic Maple Leaf Gardens. So he is a leader and a master of confidence. And on top of all this, he also has a TED talk called the Skill of Self Confidence, which I highly recommend watching. It is really specific, instantly useful, and has millions of views because it's awesome. So go check that out as well. We'll have a link below in the show notes for that. So thank you so much for joining me today. I even appreciate it.

My pleasure.

So the first place I want to start is you say that self confidence is the ability to believe in yourself, to accomplish any task, no matter the odds or how difficult or how much adversity is in your path. And you often talk about it as a skill. So can you explain real briefly how is this a skill, this ability to believe in ourselves?

I think no matter what, you have to practice anything, right? And so the first time you try and believe in yourself, it's not some magic voodoo switch that you just turn on. Because I believed in myself, I'm able to do it right you have to apply all of these different tools that happen to reinforce self confidence. And that's really where the skill piece of it comes in. The repetition of the skill, the self talk piece, the seeing yourself doing, the removing yourself from negative people. All of these different little characteristics or traits are part of the skill of self confidence. You don't wake up one morning and say, I believe in myself, so I'm going to lift 100 pounds.

Right? So we kind of construct that belief in ourselves over time. And you mentioned some key points there. One is repetition, one is surrounding ourselves with people that support us. One is self talk. So let's say someone wants to become more confident in any. Like maybe it's in their workplace and it's going to involve speaking up and sharing their ideas more freely. But they've held back because they don't believe in their opinions. They don't believe that if they took on a project they could handle it. What would be the repetition there? What should they just start repeating? It's more obvious. If it's like the example of the goalie. Catch the ball, catch the ball, catch the ball. What can we do in our social lives, our work lives? What should we be repeating?

Well, I think that the key is the art of you're figuring out. You need to really figure out, okay, why am I not speaking up in the work environment? Is it because I'm nervous to speak out in front of public, in front of people? Or is it because I don't like the sound of my voice and that doesn't give me confidence? What is the element of why, of what is keeping you from doing it? Is it because you think, you know, some people don't speak up because they think they're dumb and they don't think their ideas are any smart or very good. So here's a perfect example. So suppose I'm not speaking up because you know what, I just don't think I have anything valuable to say. And so your first thing might be to start speaking up. Maybe not in the work environment, but around the kitchen table. Or maybe when you're just one on one with an employee. Or maybe not when you're in the big group of 15 or 20, you're in the group of five or six. That is the way we talk about the repetition. That's what's coming in. It's not like, oh, I'm going to start practice speaking up, so I become good at speaking up. That's a different issue than related to having the confidence to really have your voice. Being heard or being understood or taken in. One of the things we have to recognize that, you know what, you're going to have the confidence to speak up and somebody's going to think your idea is poor. And then you have to have the confidence to interpret that failure in a different way instead of saying, oh gosh, I'm stupid. It was, you know what, this boss doesn't see it that way, but I still think it's a great idea. Or you know what, I'm going to keep this idea. They may not see it now, but I think it can be used later. And here's how.

We're going to pause for one moment with our interview with confidence expert Dr. Ivan Joseph. And we'll be right back right after this.

Okay, now it's my turn to talk. God, I'm so nervous. What was he saying? Okay, say something. Don't just sit here like an idiot. So what kind of work do you do? Tired of awkward conversations? Ready to master this area once and for all. Get yourself a copy of the confidence code, an all new updated version which teaches you how to maximize your self esteem and master all kinds of social interactions from introductions to engaging conversations, to jumping into groups. Go to YourConfidenceCode.com now to learn more.

Absolutely. And that is super important. It's not only the action and the repetition, but then how we interpret what is coming back to us. And you talk about this as well is, you know, being able to take the feedback that we're getting and choose how we're going to interpret it. Now what about someone who's listening and says has a resistance that like, oh, that's delusional and you know, I gotta see it like it is. And I can't just put these rose colored glasses on and say, oh, maybe my ideas aren't good enough like that. You know, that tendency we have to want to go back for sure.

Absolutely. And you know what, there's a lot of people that will tell us our ideas are delusional. I mean, I go back and I think about Thomas Edison wanting to put a voice on a piece of plastic and if you spin it with some sort of needle, it will come out this earpiece. Or a woman wanting to fly across the ocean in Amelia Earhart, like women do not like all of those things were delusional. Anybody who's made an innovative innovation, anybody who has come across and has made innovation happen, the Wright brothers, whoever it is, all of those people have been called delusional. The interesting piece about self confidence is that you have to be willing to have the risk of failure. You have to be willing to suffer that peace in order to get to the piece where the outcome of the action is extraordinary. And that is why self confident people also surround themselves with people who believe in them. Right. And I'm not saying there's not delusional people out there. And I'm not saying maybe me wanting to be an Olympic swimmer is not delusional. Might be delusional because I can't swim. But you know what? If I gave 10,000 hours to it, if I truly committed every fiber of my being, would it still really be delusional? I don't know.

Absolutely. Well, that just highlights the power of commitment in this and any skill, anything that we want to develop there is a level of commitment and discipline that we need if we really want to get there. And speaking of how we interpret, you have a great story in your TED Talk about when you first approached the woman who's now your wife.

Yeah.

And that she initially rebuffed you and you held a certain kind of interpretation. Maybe share a little bit. How did you do that? How did you not take that as like, oh, she doesn't like me, or oh, I'm not good enough. What allowed you, what did you focus on, to shift and interpret it in a different way?

Well, whenever I tell this story, I always want to air what the side is. Like, I don't want to be a crazy cyber stalker. So I don't, I don't want to say, what the hell, and I'm just chasing her. And you know what? You know, it's like, oh, no, she's just, like, she just wasn't interested. Right. And it wasn't like she shut me down with a hard nose, like, get the hell out of here, John, or whatever it was, you know. And one of the things, you know, I remember, you know, it was being persistent in a way that was still respectful. But for me, it was. That whole piece is like, you know what? And I, and I joke about it. It's like I knew I wasn't, you know, I didn't have my best clothes on that day. I didn't have my hair game going or whatever it might be. You know what? I think I caught her in a bad time. There was a group of people with her and like, she probably didn't, she didn't want to, like, you know, she was in a hurry. You know, I'm using all of these different ways to interpret why she's not seeing me the right way. And Recognize. It's like, okay, okay, I got to try again. I got to work up the nerve. All right. Because I see her still laughing at my jokes and I know she's looking at me, so I know there's got to be something there. Right. That's me interpreting it differently.

Yes. And what it is, is like so many people are looking for all the reasons why someone wouldn't like them or why their ideas aren't smart and they're kind of building the case for it. And I love what you're saying. There is. You're like finding reasons and justifications and building the case why, oh, this is possibly why she didn't respond positively. It was because she was in a group or because of this. And you're building the case as to, well, I'm awesome and she just needs to hang out with me enough to see that.

Yeah, 100%.

That's fantastic. So let's talk about. Because I think a core of building up that knowing that you are awesome and being able to interpret in that way has got to come back to self talk. Because, you know, most people are their own worst enemies. And how, what are, what is when it comes to the discipline or the repetition of self talk, what have you seen to be effective in your players and in your own people you've worked with in your life? What really works? We're going to pause here and take one more quick break with our interview with Dr. Ivan Joseph and return for the conclusion of the interview right after this.

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You know, first off, you have to have your two or three go to ones, right? You know, like, I got this, Ivan. You can learn anything. You got to just have your two that just come out. All right, come on, come on. You got it, you got it, you got it, right? Let's go, let's go. Dig, dig, dig, dig, dig. Whatever they are, you got to have your automatic so that they come right away. The other piece is I use a physical tool to help me when I see it Like, I put the rubber band on one wrist or I do the clap, or I do the snap to help. And you watch athletes, you'll see them when they make a mistake. Watch their point to the guy who passed it to them. Watch their clap, watch their whatever it might be, their deep breath of exhalation, inhalation. All of those are physical triggers that we in the sports psych world call centering exercises, meant to stop the negative thoughts. The other thing is to make it part of your team's routine. And it could be your work group team, it could be your husband and wife, your boyfriend, girlfriend. Team is when you see somebody down, when you see them, like hanging their head or, ah, you know, your job is to go out and give them that quick high five, that pat on the back, that pat on the butt. In sports. Hey, don't worry, you got the next one. Hey, hey, hey. Live in the moment. No worries. No worries. All right. Come on, Johnny, we need you. Right? Whatever it is, that quick little using your team to help remind you to live in the moment and forget about the past. In sports, we call it stay in the moment or live in the present.

Yeah, those are key. And I love how a lot of what you're describing is quick, fast, and targeted. It's about almost like getting to it before it grows and builds and takes control.

Yeah, absolutely.

Nice. That's great. So one other thing that I'd like to touch on before we wrap up today is you talk about being the captain of your ship, the master of your fate. Can you say more about how you see that in sports, in life in general?

You know, sometimes I think we all feel put upon. We all feel like, oh, my goodness, I'm out of control, or all of this. And I say, in the world of sport, and I make dreams come true. And I also crush dreams and break hearts. There's hardly ever a time that there's a player I cut. Typically, a player cuts themselves. And what do I mean by that is they don't understand that they're the captain of their ship and the master of their fate. They come into camp and they don't lead by example. They don't come in as the fittest person. They don't come in to lead all the exercises. They don't show up early and leave late. That's sending a message to the person who's in charge that you really want to be there. Instead, they do what everybody else does. Well, that doesn't control your destiny. That doesn't say, give me more than the opportunity just to be considered. I want to stand out. And anything that happens, you have a decision to make. Do you want to stay in the stress of this work environment? But we do because we are afraid. Do we choose to let that person talk to us in a way that's disrespectful, that humiliates and belittles us? We choose to because we either don't confront them or we don't address it. I make the choices. I am the captain of my ship and the master of my fate.

I love it. And that in itself is powerful self talk, to repeat and to live from and take action from and is super inspiring. So thank you so much, Dr. Ivan, for taking the time today to share your insights with us. If people want to find out any more about your teachings or any other thoughts you have on confidence, what would be the best place to find out more about what you teach?

You can follow me on Twitter. I think it's Dr. Ijoe or just Google my name. I should know that, shouldn't I?

That's okay. We can have that in the show notes. We'll find it and we'll put it below so anyone listening can just click and follow you on Twitter and keep learning from you.

And I've got some HuffPost articles that deal with the same topic, so always happy to share.

Awesome. Thanks so much.

Take care.

That brings us to the end of the interview and almost the end of the episode. But you know what we gotta do when we get this much valuable insight and information? What do we have to do with this? What do we always have to do with our insights and our learnings and whatever you discover. That's right. You got to put them into action.

Time for action.

There are so many potential action steps from today. I'm going to leave it broad. I'm going to say pick one thing from this interview that you learned that you're going to put into practice today. There are so many good things, aren't there? Just pick one. For me personally, I love this idea of the centering activity, the centering gesture. And I'm going to use a clap and saying a phrase that you say to yourself all the time. And one that he mentioned, which I love, is I got this. So I'm going to clap and be like, dude, Aziz, you got this, man. I got this. And you want to practice doing that a lot throughout the day. Remember, repetition, repetition is huge. You can hear that throughout this interview. If you watch his TED Talk, he goes deeper into repetition, but that is essential. So that's the one I'm going to use. But you can use that. Pick something else. But pick one thing and actively apply it repeatedly this week. Because remember, confidence is a skill. Start thinking about it like getting in shape. Start thinking about it like an instrument or a sport. If you don't practice, you're not going to improve. It just doesn't happen to you. There's not just one insight. You can have one time and everything falls into place and you always believe in yourself and you always feel relaxed and confident. No, it's a muscle and we got to build that muscle. So if you're ready to start doing that today, pick one thing, rock out with it this week, and until then, we'll speak again next week. In future episodes. Check out shrinkforthshyguy.com for show notes, for links to Dr. Ivan's stuff, and just general awesomeness on that site until we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.

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