The Strange Secret About Being Likeable

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're gonna learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're gonna talk about how you can be the most likable. In fact, I'm gonna reveal a strange secret about being likable that I think will really serve you in creating connections with others. And the good news is this is not some, like, hack, like, oh, here's the way you make people like you is you do this strange, unnatural thing and you trick them into liking. It's none of that. No, it's actually more looking at how you show up to life and connections with other people and how there's a way that you can show up that's gonna make you way more likable. And a way you can show up, it's gonna make you less likable. And we're gonna break that down and help you leave this episode with a feeling of confidence that you actually can be likable. And it's. Right now, it's not like, well, you gotta learn this technique or you have to, I don't know, go do all the things you think you're supposed to do. You gotta go become more. You gotta travel the world so you're way more interesting, and you gotta get in better shape and you gotta get richer and, you know, get better looking somehow, and then you'll be more likable. Right. Go on this big side quest, which, as you'll see during this episode, is kind of one of the pitfalls that keeps you perpetually from feeling you're likable. And I guess that's a good place to start here in today's episode, is, do you feel like you're likable? And maybe the answer is, it depends. I mean, for some people, they have a general sense of like, yeah, yeah, I think so. And other people say, no, I'm not. There's something wrong with me. I'm unlikable, or I'm. I'm awkward, or I'm Strange or I'm weird. And other people might say, well, it depends. Well, depends on what? Depends on who Am I interacting with someone that's I think is beautiful or powerful or intimidating in some way, then no, I'm not likable. And if I don't care about them, then yeah, sure, I'm more likable. Right. So what's, what's going on here? Let's, let's demystify, Wolf. First of all, the base layer is your identity, how you see yourself. So if you see yourself as unlikable, whether or not you use that word, that's how I saw myself in a lot of social anxiety. You might call it low self esteem or high self criticism, or you don't think too highly of yourself is another way of saying that, right? Then it's going to be hard to be likable. And you'll see more why in just a moment about what actually makes us likable. And what about the depends situation? Well, let's say you're gonna go out on a date with somebody that you think is really attractive, or you're gonna go be with someone who's really powerful. Maybe you want to, you think you'd benefit from connecting with them or you'd really hope that they would see you positively. Right. When you go interact with that person, first of all, even before you go interact with that person, how do you feel? Probably anxious, right? You're nervous. I want them to like me and I want them to like me. Translates in your nervous system as I need to control them. I need them to like me in order to feel okay. And if they don't like me, I'm gonna feel bad. So now I have to control them so I don't feel bad. Which by the way, is a, is a fantastic setup for the other person because everybody loves to be controlled, right? So we're gonna be nervous and then we're gonna do something subtly to try to control them. We're gonna say the right things or try to say the right things, or we might just clam up, might just. It's almost like against our own preference, we prefer to be smooth and charming and outgoing. And instead there's some part of us is like, just don't mess up, just don't say anything. And then we get tense and awkward or really up in our heads, regardless. Or maybe you have, you know, verbal diarrhea and you just can't stop yourself from talking when you get nervous. But it doesn't matter any of those scenarios. Are you the Most likable version of you, I would suggest no. And look, I'm not saying you are fundamentally unlikable. What I'm saying is the way that you show up when you try to control somebody to protect your own feelings is not as likable. And when you tell yourself you're not that likable just all the time because you have low self esteem, then you're not that likable. So what's going on here? Because we tend to think of how likable, how attractive, how desirable we are, is almost like a fixed trait, right? Like your height. And people do attribute it often to their appearance, right? Like if I look a certain way, then I'm automatically likable or attractive. But it's not a fixed trait. It's actually a way that you show up. And the good news is it's the way that you show up now and is malleable, is changeable, is achievable right now. So what is the way that is likable? That when you know that you're likable, you feel as if you're automatically worthy and you're not needing to control someone, you're not needing their approval. How do you show up? Well, maybe there's certain qualities you have, whether you're playful or you're direct or other things. But most importantly, you show up fully as yourself. And, and here's the big secret, the strange secret about being likable. You let yourself be seen and known by others. That's the thing that makes you most likable, is you let others in. And when we're anxious and I need to control you to make sure you like me, I'm, I'm not letting you in. I'm. I'm playing the game of connection. It looks like I'm trying to connect with you, but really I'm trying to control you. And when I tell myself, oh, nobody likes me, then I go, I'm shut down before we even could connect. I am basically saying, no, I don't trust that you'll like me. I don't trust you or others or people in general. Maybe that's what was happening for me with social anxiety. I didn't know that at the time, but when I look back, of course I didn't trust anyone. Why? Because I didn't reveal myself to anyone, not even my closest friend, that I reveal a lot of things about me, let a lot of things about myself be seen and known. And so the secret is to unveil yourself, to be more transparent, to Be more vulnerable, to be more real. And that allows people to connect with you. And this sounds so simple, like, nah, it can't be that simple. You have to do certain things to be likable. And look, there's layers on top of that in terms of how you listen to people and how present you are and all that stuff. But this is the, the, the whole, this is like, sets you on a whole different path. And you can be listening to people and reflective listening or asking them great questions, but if you're guarded, you don't let them know you, then you're not going to be that likable. And this is the hardest part. If we have a history of social anxiety or low self esteem, it's like this big act of faith because you're like, no, I'm not likable. Maybe you learned that somewhere. Maybe you were bullied or teased or mocked or exiled from a group or criticized something in your family as a teenager, even as an adult, or you had a bad breakup and someone said a lot of awful stuff to you. Whatever the source of it is, whether you know it or not, conscious or unconscious, there's a way that we can tighten up and say, I can't just be me. I can't just reveal this thing about myself. And when I talk about this, this doesn't mean that you have to reveal your deepest, darkest secrets to everyone. Or on your first date you got to say, listen, you gotta know some things about me. When I was nine, I killed a squirrel and tell them all your dirty laundry on date one. Don't do that, don't do that. Contain it, Contain yourself, man. Sometimes people do do that. They think, I gotta be real, I'm gonna put it all out there. And the problem there is there's no buy in. The person's known you for five minutes and now you're telling them some pretty intense stuff. They might really be open to it as they get to know you. So what I mean though is letting what's happening in the moment be seen and not needing to pretend so much. So if you're feeling drawn to someone, you tell them that. If you're feeling nervous, you let people know that. And of course the permission to even be able to do something like that is you become more okay with yourself being nervous or yourself being drawn to somebody. Can you reveal what's happening in the moment? You know, we had a retreat not that long ago, about three weeks ago. Time of this recording or the people that are in my year long Mastermind program, we Came together and had three days in person. So the rest of the program is remote. But we have this opportunity during the year to come together. And the goal. I got together with Candace, my wife, and she was going to teach with me. She has a history of teaching workshops on vulnerability and authenticity. So I brought her in. She's the ringer. And I said, let's create an experience that goes way deeper than anything we've ever done. And I want to create three days, this little chamber of opportunity for connection, for direct, real, authentic, intimate connection with each other. And we're either going to. People are going to feel that deep connection, or they're going to experience what they do to block it. And it was powerful, man. People, it wasn't just like, hey, we're going to sit and learn about this from afar. It's like, we're going to practice this and we're going to do it. We start saying what's really happening, what we're noticing. And. And people are, like, starting to dive into it. And then, you know, by day two, some people are like, oh, my God, this is so intense. I'm uncomfortable. And. But because we were able to kind of support and shepherd them, they could see, wow, this thing I've been doing has been keeping me from connecting with others for 30, 40, 50 years. And I'm seeing that I'm doing it right now. And. And now. And it's being pointed out to me, it's happening real time. I'm doing it again, I'm doing it here, just like I do it everywhere in my life. And they're able to choose something different. And again, it's not this really complex stuff that we're doing. It's. I don't want people to see me have emotion. I don't want people to see me cry. I don't want people to know that I, whatever, struggle as a father, or that I get bored in conversations, or this person can't know that I feel agitated when they're talking, whatever it is, small or big. And so we just practice day after day after day. What if they did know? And then we all build our resilience because you can say what's happening and they can discover what's really happening and they can learn. Well, maybe someone is bored when I'm talking with them. We'd be so freaked out about that for years. Oh, what if people aren't interested? What if people aren't interested and then you're talking to somebody and they look a little bit to the left, a little Bit to the right as you're talking about. You say, oh, God, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. They're not interested. Oh, I'm so not interesting. And we have this really cool environment here where we could say, wait a minute. As I'm sharing, I noticed you're kind of looking to the left and right. And I imagine that you're. You're not interested in what I'm saying. I'm. I'm curious to check in. What are you experiencing? And then people would pause and they would share off truthfully back. And sometimes it was, you know, as you were talking, this happened a number of times. And sometimes one person said, at one point, actually, as you were talking, I was thinking about myself sharing like you are. And I feel. I feel very uncomfortable imagining myself or being as honest as you are right now. Right. So it's completely different than what the other person thought. So, and. And this is an interesting, powerful capacity to name what's happening in the moment, to share, to reveal. Another example is there was a woman that I worked with who had a good relationship with her brother, and she felt close to him, and they had a good history. And they'd spend time together a couple times a year. And he had a family, and she liked his kids and everything and his wife, but she always compared herself to him and thought that he was. Whatever he was further in his life than she was, and he was more likable and more successful and all these things. And it. And it really bothered her. But she didn't want to let him know that that was happening because, you know, hey, this is about me. It's not about him. And I just need to get over this. And. But she couldn't get over it. So she'd be kind of weird or distant at times. And so they were. It got in the way of the relationship. And they were spending some time together, you know, in a couple weeks. And we were talking about it in a session. I said, what if you told him? She's like, I can't tell him that. That's awful. It makes me look bad. I'm like, okay, well, you can just keep hiding it and create distance, but what if. Let's just try it out. So we did a little role play. We just tested it out. We actually did a fun version of it where I reacted as, you know, in the way that she was afraid that he might react, like, well, what's wrong with you, sis? You suck. And I was kind of being playful about it, and I said, look, you don't have to go do this. It's just an experiment if you want to. It's like, what if you let people see and know the real you as opposed to pretending to be this other way? So she, she went and I had no idea what she was going to do. And she came back and he said, I told him, I said, oh, well, how'd it go? What happened? And she basically revealed like, hey, sometimes I feel. I feel jealous. And then I don't want to, and just told him her experience. And she said it was so powerful, like he was curious and asked me questions. She said it felt like he was. So he shared even more himself of himself with me. In fact, he shared some insecurities he had that she didn't even know about. He just thought he was kind of, you know, had it all, his, had it all together, had it all. And they were way closer than they've ever been after that. In other words, he was drawn in. He wanted more, he wanted to move. It was created more likability in her because the vulnerability is what makes you likable. And I remember many, many years ago, when I was in my early 20s, I was studying under David Burns at Stanford in the cognitive therapy trainings that he ran, CBT trainings. And he was great. I mean, he was helping, he was teaching us, but he was also kind of seeing our own things and trying to help and guide us along the way. And at one point he told me, he's like, as he's. You could see what a perfectionist I was. And he was like, aziz, people don't like you because you're perfect. They like you and they actually see vulnerability and flaws in you. And I was like, uh huh, nod my head. Mm, totally get it. I don't get it. Not gonna do that. I didn't do that for many, many years. It took me like seven more years before I started experimenting with that. It took me actually getting to know Candace and going to her workshops and then practicing that for many, many years. So this is a different pathway than here's the three secrets to make anyone like you without being real or vulnerable. It's the exact opposite. It's be real and vulnerable and people will like you. And not everyone, that's that you don't get control. Not everyone's going to like you, but that's how you. That's like the best chance that you have. And it's so easy. I mean, in one way it's difficult. Like, oh my God, that's so scary. I Can't ever do something like that. Maybe you're hearing some of these stories and think it sounds crazy, but in another way, it's so easy because there's nothing to pretend. It's. You get to just say what's there. And you already know what's there because it's what's happening for you. So let's talk about how to turn this into action. Time for action. Action. Action. Your action step today is an invitation. And the invitation is sometime this week. Look for an opportunity to be slightly more transparent. You know, transparent means people can see through. See into something. Let people see into you a little bit more. You don't have to go from 0 to 90. Go crazy with it. Just reveal something you might not. Go test it out. And don't go test it out with your critical angry uncle who gets drunk and yells at everybody that's setting yourself up to lose. Go. Go instead, share with someone that you're a potential something that you think is going to go well with a friend, maybe a colleague that you get on really well with at work. And just take a little bit, just take it a little bit further. You reveal something about your life, your experience, your family, what's happening in your world. With a friend. You share a challenge or a dream or a goal or a struggle. But the invitation is to take the risk. And you might be amazed at how it makes you not rejected and so much worse. And although you're cast out, but it actually makes you extremely likable. And this is one of those things where you can hear me talk about it, but until you do it, it's a real game changer. It changes how you see the world. And once you see it that way, you never go back. So thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, we have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.