The Suprising Secret To Becoming Magnetic & Attractive

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. The show to help you break free from social anxiety, people pleasing and self doubt so you can speak up, connect and be 100% you. I'm Dr. Aziz, sharing tools that have transformed my life and thousands of others. Let's all liberate ourselves together.

Welcome to today's episode of Shrink for the Shy Guy. I'm excited to be with you today and to talk about how you can become a lot more magnetic and attractive. And the good news is it's not gonna take you those six pack abs and other things that you might think that you need. And we're gonna touch on all of it because I think there's so much confusion in this area and even the stuff that can be helping us might actually be setting up a new trap. That's how it was in my case. So I'm gonna share some of my story with that. But you're gonna walk away from this episode. If you really apply what you learn here feeling a lot more confident in yourself and magnetic can definitely. And attractive. You know, we think of that as romantically, often, and this will definitely apply in that arena, but also to, you know, socially and just people wanting to be around you and be drawn to you. And so I'm so excited. We're going to dive right into it. And the first thing you have to realize is that the biggest obstacle to you being magnetic and attractive is nothing to do with what you think.

And in fact, what you think is actually what's stopping you from experiencing people being drawn to you. And a couple of the biggest things people think are, I'm not magnetic, I'm not attractive, I'm not desirable. And that right there is the biggest block.

And what happens is people put a lot of conditions on what's gonna make them attractive or desirable. Obviously, appearance is a huge one in the United States culture. A lot of places all over the world. I gotta look a certain way to be magnetic, desirable and attractive. And look, there's a certain level of reality to that that people are gonna have preferences in the world and people are gonna be influenced by their culture. And some people might say, I only want someone who looks. Just it shows that I'm good or that's what I've been conditioned to think is beautiful. I'm not saying none of that exists. That does happen. Sure. And there are an abundance of people that are going to be attracted to you right now as you are now. That doesn't mean everybody is, but there's more than you need. There's Plenty. And so the issue is not, oh, I can't be attractive to everybody. It's like, no, you're gonna be attractive to some people. Your personality, your appearance, all that. There's someone out there right now that thinks it's great. So the obstacle is not that the people aren't out there. It's that you are telling yourself, I'm not attractive. And in order to be attractive, what. So first, let me ask you that question.

If I were to say, on a scale of 1 to 10, how magnetic, desirable, attractive are you? First of all, can you even hear that outside of appearance? You're like, well, Z, I got this love handle. So, no, Right? So you instantly. Maybe you go straight to appearance. Maybe it's something else, like, well, I'm boring. I haven't traveled enough. My stories aren't good enough. Trust me. I said all these things to myself. And I hear clients tell me this all the time. And sometimes it's a little under the surface. We're not totally conscious of it. We're not consciously walking around saying, I'm unattractive. People won't want to be with me. But we know it's there. Because when I say, hey, why don't you go talk to that person? Or put yourself out there? There's a.

Little grimacey face. I don't know, man. That's not gonna go well. Why is that not gonna go well? Because I insert story here. Because I don't look a certain way, because I'm not this. And so what's happening is you have an idea of your best self, what I call your fantasy self in my book, on my own side, Omos, which is, well, fantastical. That part's awesome. That part of you, that version of you never gets upset, is always cool, always knows what to say, is always in shape, is very disciplined, is also rich, too. Why not successful in all those ways, and you're awesome. And until you become that version, well, you just stay in your house, you loser. You don't come out until you're perfected. Right? And again, we're not consciously aware of all this. We're just acting it out. And there is a massive cost or consequence to acting this out. And it's life passing you by. It's you missing out on another week, another month, another year, another decade of connection, of love that's available right now, today. Now, sometimes people say, but, Aziz, I'm. And I got some problems in my life, or my finances are a mess, or I'm out of shape. You know, I'm 20 pounds overweight, I'm 40 pounds overweight. And come on, how can you tell me that? It's just all about how I see myself, man. And, well, you'd be surprised. Look around the world, you might see someone who's overweight who has a partner, right? What? Well, they're just staying with them because they have to. Oh, come on. You don't know what's going on, right? You just look around. That's an objective, objective, observable fact that someone. You know, people are afraid to have a partner. So if they can do it, why not you, right? What's the block that you're putting on there? And look, I'm not saying you don't want to get in shape and healthy, because often you. The more you see yourself as magnetic and attractive, AKA you accept and love who you are, the more you make choices that are in line with that where you do want to take care of yourself. You get more and more engaged in your life and you want to be active and do activities that are physically healthy. And everyone wants to. People feel better.

When they're eating well and they're moving their bodies and they're not carrying a bunch of excess weight, right? So it's not about an appearance thing even. It's about just feeling energized and alive. And the more you get on your own side, the healthier you tend to get. Not in some extreme way where you're striving to get a certain appearance. I just mean generally healthy, right? So it all comes back to this inner shift, and that's the biggest change that can occur. And the shift, just to put it really clearly, is right now.

The most valuable thing I can do, the most effective thing I can do to become magnetic and attractive and have beautiful connections. Love, romance, sex, a relationship, a family, social life, friendships, all the great stuff that's going to come from being magnetic, drawing people to you. The way to create that is this. Are you ready? I'm going to just give you the great secret right now. It's a willingness to let yourself be seen and known.

That's it. So if you got your notebook out and you're ready to take the notes, you're like, oh, wait, he's going to get to the secret. What's the secret? Willingness to be seen at not once. What are you talking about, dude? It's. It. It's true. Now, there's some things that go into being able to do that because you might hear that and say, one, I don't know what that means. But I'll explain it. Don't worry. Or two, I don't know, dude. Easy for you to say, you handsome stud, you, but not me, Right? Okay, well, that's the big problem here, is that we put up walls because we're not willing to be seen and known.

Let me give you. Let me first define what being seen and known is, because that can sound kind of vague or namaste or something, right? But basically it's. Imagine walking up to somebody, and I'm not saying you actually say this as your pickup line, but potential friend, a potential date. And you say to them, hi, I'm Aziz. Who are you? And your energy is open. I want to know you, and I want you to know me. What does that mean, to know me? Does that mean to know a lot about me? Like, I went to school here and I lived in this town, and maybe, maybe I call that safe personal data. And you might exchange some of that. But it's actually being seen right now in this moment.

And it's not just factual information about you. It's taking in. Sure, your appearance, your eye color. It's taking in your emotion. Are you alive? Are you engaged? Are you sad? Are you hopeful? What's going on in your world? What are you excited about? What are you struggling with?

What matters to you in your life right now? All of that willing for that to be seen and known and being curious to see and know that in another is extremely attractive. Now, a lot of people hear that and say, oh, dude, that's a fantasy. That's a fairy tale. It's too good to be true and not in my case. And trust me, I get it, I get it, I get it. And it's all just fear. It's the story of. And that's doubt, right? Doubt says, don't try. It's not going to work. Don't change what you're doing. Just stick to what you're just staying defended, stay guarded in life. And that's a whole nother episode. I'm sure I have 50 about doubt and the safety police and how that all works. So scan around my. In my episodes to find that. That theme. But for this.

People are afraid to be seen and known because they think, oh, if you really see and know me, it's not good. And then they do this dance where they try to connect without being vulnerable, essentially, and it doesn't make them more attractive. So back in my day, this terrible self esteem, a lot of social anxiety. I had that from the age of probably 10 or 11, pretty severely all the way until I was 21. So a decade of my life, and those are pretty seminal years. Middle school, high school, college. And every single year, my identity is getting reinforced. I'm unattractive, I'm undesirable. My identity was so thick and so sticky that when evidence would come along to challenge it, instead of updating how I saw myself. Like, I remember I had this experience when I was in 10th grade, so I was about 15 years old. I'd never dated, never held a girl's hand, never kissed a girl or anything. And we were all at someone's house and everyone was spending the night there. And everyone's like sleeping on sleeping bags in this big room. And there's this one girl in my class I thought was very beautiful and probably wanted nothing to do with me, but everyone's kind of lounging and talking and connecting and I'm pretty quiet. I'm a little more shy at that age. But, you know, sometimes I would say some funny stuff or whatever. I don't know what she saw in me. At that point in my life. I thought no one could see anything about me because I thought I was very physically ugly and unattractive. And I reinforce that story every day. Every day, Every damn day. And anyway, in the middle of the night, she kind of bumps my shoulder. So, wakes me up, touches my arm, like, what's happening? And then the next thing I know, she's like pulling me towards her and we're kissing. First girl I ever kissed. It was the greatest moment of my life. It was great. I don't know, the greatest moment in my life. But at that time in my life, it was the greatest moment of my life. And it was amazing. I was like, you know.

What can I say? It was extraordinary. And then the next morning, everyone kind of wakes up and people are sharing breakfast. And I didn't talk to her. I straight up avoided her. Hard. Like, hard avoidance. Not even making eye contact.

Now, why would I do that? Because in my messed up head at that age, it goes from like, wow, she made out with me, to she's really popular, she's really beautiful. She, you know, older guys are approaching her and she clearly wouldn't want anything to do with me. She probably was just like feeling lonely or something. And then maybe, you know, I'm grasping the straws here, right? I'm like, well, I got to explain this away. I guess she probably feels like kind of embarrassed about it and wouldn't want anyone to know. That's. I just came up with that hatch, that there was no indication of that.

And then I avoided it. Right. So needless to say, that doesn't really support your dating life or any other type of thing. But do you have stories like this where you actually move away from people socially, romantically? Maybe there's a. So again, I'm not talking about a harsh rejection here. I'm talking about a pretty green light. Let's just say I don't know what lights don't get more green than that, buddy. Now, that doesn't mean that she wants to be my girlfriend or what a date of me, I don't know. But she certainly seemed to have some level of attraction for me. And I ran away. And so I reinforced identity again and again and again and again, all the way through my teens, all the way into my getting to college. And always this story of, oh, I'm gonna get to a new environment, it's gonna change, it's gonna be so great. And then wherever you go, there you are. And so I brought that same pattern with me. And sure enough, when I believe I'm not attractive, I'm more risk averse, I'm less likely to take opportunities. But even when I do, there's just something that's not quite. Doesn't quite click. Like they don't seem as attracted to me. I'm looking for signals that someone might be attracted to someone else, they'd rather talk to somebody else. And the problem is not having that passing thought of insecurity or a little feeling of like, oh, maybe they like someone more than me, but not buying into that, just letting it pass right on by and essentially knowing you're awesome. But I didn't know that I was awesome. And so I went and found pickup artist materials. That's what really started to turn the corner in my life. I was 21 years old, very almost out of college, never really had dated in any significant way, and oh my God, I have to do something now. So I was looking online and found a bunch of materials. And there was some benefit of it in the sense that it was like, yeah, you gotta go approach women if you want to date, buddy. So some basic facts. But then how? You know, the primary teachings I listened to were like, yeah, you gotta be more attractive and I'm gonna teach you how to be more attractive. And in every moment you're building attraction or you're losing it. So I'm going to teach you all the bells and whistles to be attractive, which is a bit more of like a confident appearance. Bravado, walk in, approach directly, maybe tease her, flirt with her.

Be bold.

And say things that are maybe a little outlandish or controversial, or just bring in more personality and less this kind of guarded, quiet, nice version of you. So there's some benefit to that for sure. And it really helped me actually be able to get dates and maybe build some attraction. The problem was there was no space for vulnerability. None of those teachers were saying, you know, here's how you open up your heart to somebody. Here's how you reveal an insecurity to somebody. It was kind of like you, you fix all those insecurities, you loser. You get out there and you be bold and present yourself in this way. And so what happens is I could date. I could even maybe seduce a woman or have a romantic connection. And then it all falls apart because it's not real. So what is more real, and that took me a long time to. I did that for a number of years because it sort of worked. I could get women attracted to me. But then anytime there would be any attempt at a relationship. I don't mean we're going to settle down and have kids, but just more ongoing time. Dates. 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. And just hanging out. There was such a fear in me of being rejected, of being hurt, of connect, of being I cannot be seen and known. And so I would flee from it again and again and again and again. I did that for years.

And then it wasn't until I got into my later twenties that I started to learn about how to be more real, essentially. And I had so much fear and resistance to the idea that I could bring that to dating and relationships and socially and, you know, outside of a therapy group or a workshop or something, that I could actually be that way in the world. And it was terrifying. And there are some nuances to it because sometimes people think, oh, yeah, be real. It means you just say whatever. And no, I mean, there are social dynamics at play. And so if I go on date one and I say, I'm gonna be real, and I say, listen, I'm gonna get real with ya. Person's like, okay.

I was abused when I was a kid and I have a history. I'm an alcoholic, and I did this and I did that, and I, you know, I have some sexual compulsion issues and, you know, blam. I'm just gonna put it all on the table.

That's what you're saying is ease, right? Isn't that attractive? I don't know. I don't, you know, depends on how someone's doing it. But generally that's probably not gonna go well. Person's gonna be like, wow.

Okay, we gonna order drinks? Or should I just go now? Right, Because. And is that, oh, I shouldn't have been real? I thought you said to be real. See, I do have to hide all these parts about myself because you misunderstand what being seen and known is. And look, ultimately, yeah, yeah, you probably will need to reveal those things to have the deepest intimacy possible. But not on date one. You haven't established anything. There is no buy in. What are you doing? You're probably just trying to deal with your own insecurity by going on offense instead of working with it. Right. You don't accept yourself, or you're afraid they're not going to accept you. So I'm just going to get out of the way. There is something called pacing and really building that intimacy bit by bit, which is why we all have a little alarm go off when you're sitting on the bus and the person you don't know next to you is. Or the airplane or whatever, and they're like, let me tell you everything about me and my inner problems. And you're like, I just want to watch a movie, man. Or maybe that only happens to me. They feel the former therapist vibe in me. But no, I got my headphones on. I'm like, dude, I'm just here to watch a movie. I don't want to talk to you, But I'm very social other than on airplanes. I just feel kind of trapped on an airplane. Anyone? You with me on that one? It's like, I want to open up a conversation, but where I can. If I'm not enjoying it, I can move away.

In any case, letting yourself be seen and known is a skill in itself. And just like playing the game and trying to impress and dating and. And it's one worth. Worth learning. Absolutely. I teach it in Confidence University. I have a dating program, a social mastery program. Obviously, in future episodes, keep listening, I'll keep sharing. All kinds of episodes really are all about that, essentially. But that's the key thing. And so what's this? What's the. How do we get there? Right. Let's turn that into your action step. Time for action. Action, action. You know, your action step this time is not to go run out there and practice being more vulnerable. I would say it's investigating what your resistance to that is. What will happen if I let someone see and know me a little bit more. And instead of thinking of it as this all or nothing thing that can kind of just freak you out. What if you were just 5% more real? You revealed 5% more and really hear what I'm saying now. Revealing more. People hear vulnerability and revealing, and they think it means this really dark, deep, traumatic stuff. And again, no. Or maybe at some point, deep in a relationship, but early on, it's letting people know things about you and your thoughts and your feelings that are fitting and flowing with that moment. And so you spontaneously share something about yourself, about something you love or enthusiastic or is silly or just some random thing about you or how you're feeling or anything. You just reveal it freely and it's not even. Again, it's not just information. People think it's all about what do I say, what I reveal. It's how you're doing it. It's your voice tone, it's your body language. You can tell when someone's very relaxed and open. The way they talk is different.

Right? And that's actually something that. If you listen to my books or these episodes and you feel drawn to me in some way.

One, I'm awesome, but so are you. We're all awesome. But part of it is like letting that be felt, right? So people will say things like, oh, when I was reading your book, I felt seen and known. You know, like, you really got me. And that's because that's what I'm doing. That's how I interact. That's what I've trained myself to be able to do, is to deeply see and know others and want to be seen and known. So I can be vulnerable. I can get to know you deeply. And it's magnetic. It's not some trick or bait and switch. And it's scary. It's scary as heck, man. I'm not cursing on these podcasts anymore because they get rated as explicit. So I say scary as heck. You know where else I say that in my life? Nowhere. I could probably say scary as hell. I don't know what makes it explicit. Maybe these are still being marked as explicit. I don't know. In any case, here we are. Here you are. Let's be more real. 5% more real. What comes up for you? Fear stories about why you can't. Oh, it doesn't matter. I'm not gonna be attractive anyway. Well, we can have the story, or we can have freedom, liberation, growth, transformation. And all it takes, my friend, is willingness and courage to test out what's real. So thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy. Com. For free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter. Com.