The Truth About Change In The New Year

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. The show to help you break free from social anxiety, people pleasing and self doubt so you can speak up, connect and be 100% you. I'm Dr. Aziz, sharing tools that have transformed my life and thousands of others. Let's all liberate ourselves together. Welcome to today's episode of the show and. And welcome to 2026. We're a couple weeks in now. How's the year going so far? Are you crushing it? Have you crushed it yet? And maybe your goals are to crush it, maybe not. I don't know, maybe you don't even have goals for the year. Where are you at with that? Well, that's what we're gonna look at in today's episode. Not in some, you know, broad abstract goal setting way or achieve your dreams. Yeah. But much more in the context of this area. Social confidence, social freedom, you becoming more fully who you're meant to be, overcoming patterns of people pleasing, hiding, holding back, hesitating, waiting and then regretting and being frustrated or feeling overly anxious or destabilized inside and really honestly not totally liking who you are. Not even believing or feeling like you belong or you're lovable. Even if you have friends, family, success and people on the outside that do love you. Maybe it doesn't fully get in that. That's my wheelhouse. That's what this show is all about, helping you change. And that's what I can talk with certainty and clarity about. Now, we're not gonna talk about your weight loss goals and your business goals and other things. Cause what I do with people is tangentially related to that and that your confidence affects everything. But that's not my wheelhouse. You can talk to a physical trainer about that. And I'm also not here to hit you with a bunch of stats about New Year's resolutions and why they suck and why they don'. I'm not gonna talk about any of that because I wanna talk directly from personal experience and my observation of clients personal experiences. So this is all firsthand. This is what I've experienced and what I've seen and heard from people directly, not they them. General trends, statistics, all that stuff, which is useful sometimes, but that's not where I wanna come from today. Because if I can talk about what I've seen and you and I can just have a conversation here, then hopefully, hopefully this will land for you and you will walk away with hearing and receiving clarity, getting clarity inside yourself, knowing what's true for you. Again, I'm not saying what's going to be 2026 for you? I don't know. I don't predict the future, but I can say what I've seen works. What really triggers change, how people actually make the change in this area. And then you can walk away saying, hmm, is 2026 going to be likely to be different than the last years or not? Again, there's nothing set in stone. But you can choose wisely, because here's where we got to start. Most people are not choosing from truth. They're running from discomfort. They're hiding in comfort from discomfort. In other words, they want comfort more than truth. And I don't mean this in some abstract philosophical way of truth with a capital T. Like, what's the nature of existence? I mean, like, literally what is true? So if someone says, I'm going to go achieve X this year, I'm gonna go work on this, I'm gonna solve that. I'm talking about, is that true or not? Are they gonna go do that thing? So we're looking at very practical stuff in your life. For example, I wanna become more confident. I wanna make more friends. I wanna move to a new city and connect with people there. I want to date. I wanna get a girlfriend or a boyfriend. I wanna speak up in meetings. I wanna pursue this area of business. That is a confidence thing, right? Cause it involves me speaking up or leading or stepping into a leadership role, right? All of that stuff. Am I gonna go do that now? A lot of people have desires, even goals, if they haven't written them down at the beginning of the year as a resolution, it's like, yeah, that's what I'm moving towards. That's what I'm gonna do. And then they're working on it. And working on it can look like a lot of things, right? You could be reading books on it, listening to Audible books on it. You could be listening to podcasts, YouTube videos. You could be watching courses online. You could be working with a therapist. You could be talking to Jackie like your. Your homie. And it's being your therapist and your guide and stuff, right? But you're. You're doing something and then maybe you're putting those things into practice, right? You're taking some actions and you're seeing what works and then getting support when it doesn't work, right? That's. That's what people are doing when they work on it. Now, for a lot of people, working on it involves something that's a bit more that you have your active front and center really working on it. And then you have your a bit more back burner stuff. And I think this is a really important distinction because a lot of people are like, hey, I've been working on this for 23 years, man, and it's still the same. Well, a couple things about that, maybe so. And that might mean that this thing that's been going for 23 years or whatever is one of what I call your core challenges. And I believe everyone has one, two, maybe three core challenges in your life. You know, something's a core challenge. It's not just a normal season of life. Like, I got laid off, everyone gets laid off, right? Or oh, man, I had a family member get sick or die. It's like, you know, that's unfortunate, but that is a thing that all humans experience, right? So that's not unique to you. A challenge is something that. It's not totally unique to you. I mean, other people might have this core challenge, maybe millions of people have this core challenge, but not everyone does, right? So for an example, someone who deals with alcohol addiction for many, many, many years in their life, and they get clean, but then it's got to be something that they tend to and go to meetings for, and it's a significant focus to maintain that sobriety. Then you could say, well, that is one of my core issues, right? And for me, physical, mind, body, pain, chronic pain was a core issue. And so I lived under the thumb of chronic pain for 20 years and then learned some extraordinary tools to liberate myself, which I've shared many of those interviews in this show. If you want to go back, just type in pain in the search@drinkforthshyguy.com and you'll be able to find episodes where I interview people who've helped me on my journey. And even still, you know, like the person who's sober after, you know, I still have to go to meetings, man. I still have to tend to it and be aware of it, or else those patterns will creep back. So that's a core issue, core challenge for me. So you might be facing a core challenge, and those are long standing patterns that require, well, ultimately something more than what we've done. They require a new insight, a new breakthrough, a new course of action, a new course of study, a new course of practice to really fundamentally move things forward and change them. And there are breakthrough moments where they change in radical ways. So maybe for you, social confidence or connection or a sense of belonging or relieving this long standing background anxiety is part of that core challenge. And at the Same time. Whether it's a core challenge or not, a lot of people, they are working on it kind of. Kind of. Let me give you an example. So I was just this, this has been intermittent, I'd say over the last year or two. I'll get a little bit of pain in my forearm near my elbow, sometimes on the inside, sometimes the outside. And you know, I'm like, this is a little bit of tendonitis. I do lift weights and stuff, so maybe there's something there. Okay, let me tend to it. In my stretching routine. Is there an area to. Should I. If I try to strengthen the forearms, it doesn't really. It makes it worse. So I do a lot of grips holding of things and pull ups and stuff. That strengthens my grip anyway, so maybe it's not actively tending to that. Maybe I just do some more stretches. Yeah. Okay. You know, look up online, watch a few YouTube videos, talk to ChatGPT about it. All right. Okay, I'll tend to that. I'm working on that. It's loud enough that it's. I'm not gonna ignore it. It's kind of bothering me. I don't want it to get worse. I don't want to limit my weightlifting or anything. So. Okay, now that is fine for this level of challenge. That's fine. I'll turn up the heat if I need to. That is not going to do squat when it comes to a major challenge in my life. Like there's a major problem with one of my kids, or we got to do something for someone's health in the family, or there's a business situation like you, or social confidence, like more is needed. And yet we confuse tending to it with really transforming something. And so I'll hear this all the time. I'll talk to somebody. This happened a lot recently. I'll talk to somebody and they're like, Yep, I want 2026 to be very different than 2025. Okay, tell me how. Well, I want to make more friends and I want to speak up and I want to do this and I want to do that. Cool. Did you have those goals at the beginning of 2025? I sure did. Okay. Okay. But here we are, it's a year later. What's changed? Well, it's. It's a little better. Yeah, it's a little better. Okay. Is it radically better? Well, no, definitely not. I mean, do you have those close friends? No, I don't. I don't actually have those close friends. Okay. All right. But so what you been doing? Well, I'VE been working on it. Okay, tell me more. Well, I've been seeing a therapist and he or she's great. I really like talking to that person and I'm reading a lot of books about it. Okay, awesome, awesome. So what's missing? Like, what's happening? Why aren't things progressing more? And we don't know, we're just like, well, I don't. I don't know, I guess I should do some more or something, right? And so to me, that's not acceptable. I'm not saying you're, you're failing or you should be. I'm just saying if it were in my life and there was something that was radically important to me and it was. I was sort of dinking around on it and it wasn't really producing result, I'd be like, okay, something more is needed. Right? Do you feel me on that? Do you feel that? So what I want to do here is bring an awareness, which is that if becoming more fully confident and really, ultimately, let's zoom out here. Hopefully this isn't too much. Stay with me. But ultimately, what we're resolving, if you have social anxiety or people pleasing patterns, excessive niceness, then what you're resolving is not just how to have a better conversation with somebody or how to say no to somebody, Set a boundary. Yes. Those are the tactics underneath that. You're resolving a core challenge with bonding with other humans, relationships with other humans, and that most likely there's some background old fear and insecurity there that makes us think I'm not enough, I'm not lovable, and I need to either hide lots of parts of myself or perform so you like me or both. And I got to give you whatever you want. And I probably shouldn't have too many needs myself. And I definitely can't ask for what I want. I can't upset you. And if you really saw me, you wouldn't like me and I'm really ugly and not worth it anyway or whatever the stories are, right? So there's some fundamental thing there that needs to be resolved. And here's the thing, talking about it doesn't resolve it. And at least in my experience, if you've talked about it a lot and it resolved, then, you know, you showed me. It's just, I'm not saying this is how it is for everybody. From what I've observed, it's not enough. And I see that all the time. People have a ton of ideas of like, oh, this is where it came from and this and that. Like, you have to rewire a new experience of bonding with other humans where you are allowed to be you and you are allowed to show you and say no and have boundaries and be in healthy relation. So we have to go create that in order. It's like a chicken or the egg. And it's like, what I'm not worthy of being. If people saw the real me, they wouldn't like me. And I can't say no, because then people will hate me and they'll leave me. So I have to perform in this way, and I have to hide all these things. Okay, but then you will forever. So if you really want to change this, you must take the risk to be more real, reveal different parts of yourself, be more transparent, authentic, vulnerable, intimate with other people, and have the courage to say no and see what happens. To take a risk, to be more outspoken or whatever it is. And then when we do it, it's like, oh, oh, I can do it. I get it. Right? But it's only in the doing, in the risking that we discover its truth. We could read it in 10,000 books and hear me talk about it on a podcast. It's like there's a map there. But looking at the map and saying, oh, someone else walked across that bridge doesn't get you across the bridge. You have to walk across the bridge. You have to go traverse the map. Does that make sense? And so this is where working on it doesn't work for most people. And then there's a. I describe that person in this hypothetical example who did a lot in 2025, and they saw a therapist, and they did that. Really worked on it. Okay. But then they do that for a year, and they're like, wow, I did a lot of stuff and it didn't really change. And then they put it on their back burner. Yeah, I am. I'm still working on it. I'm listening to a book. Oh, I got a book in my audible library. Well, I haven't opened it in a while, but it's in there. I'm going to get to it. It's got my list. It's on my list. I'm going to do it. And then they're in work and, like, I should probably speak up here. That's right. That book told me a long time ago to, like, do the thing I'm scared of. Okay, I should do it. And then you battle with yourself, and maybe you kind of do it one day, and then six days go by and six months go by and you don't do it. Again. But then you. I should do it. And, you know, how many years go by in that limbo state? I. I don't know. 2, 5, 10, 20. And then we have another year of like, oh, that's it. I'm gonna work on it. We go out there and we try some stuff again, and it's frustrating. I get it. It's demoralizing. It's confusing. And maybe the most problematic is that it feeds doubt. And then the voice of doubt says, ha. I knew it. Look at this. Look at all these things. And you know you're screwed, by the way, if your voice of doubt starts cataloging all the things you've done and how long it's been. Oh, my God, it's been 20. How many years? Let me count the years. Let me go real deep into the past and look at all the problems. Shockingly, I don't feel energized to go change this now. I just feel demoralized. Where's my phone? Where's the tv? Where's Netflix? Where is a drug? Where's something to try to help me feel okay for the moment? Because that. Going back to what I said at the beginning of the episode is the core problem is we're not really prioritizing change and transformation. We're prioritizing what is familiar, what is known, what is comfortable. And so I want to work on it in a comfortable way. Talking about it with a therapist is comfortable. Hey, talk about it with ChatGPT is comfortable. It's even more comfortable than a therapist. It won't even judge you. It would never, you know, the therapist might be secretly judging you. Inside of a chatgpt, it just says. And it says, says whatever you needed to say. And it's so smart, and it's so friendly, and it's never upset with you. Right. It beats doctors on an empathy scale in terms of words. Right. So what do you do? Well, most people, they go from a life of avoiding discomfort. I don't want to avoid. I want to avoid. And this is speaking from personal experience here. I'm not putting anybody down. I'm just saying what is so speaking with truth here that I. Maybe you. You can check for yourself. Many clients that I work with will tell me that, yeah, I avoided all kinds of things. I avoided approaching that person. I avoid speaking up. I avoid saying, no, I do. I avoid all that stuff. What is that? That is comfort seeking. That is prioritizing comfort over. Well, everything really. Over authenticity, over risk, over your values like courage or love or growth or whatever. It's like, oh, yeah, that's all great stuff. I'll put that on a vision board and hide it in my desk drawer. But I'm not gonna actually do it. Are you crazy? I can get popped in the face if I say no to that person, at least emotionally, if I get rejected, it's gonna feel awful. It's gonna reinforce all these stories that I'm unlovable, right? Which is the core challenge that I really need to resolve. But I don't know if I'm really gonna resolve it, because that's uncomfortable and very destabilizing. Because growth transformation requires instability repeatedly. It requires risk. It requires going into discomfort again and again and again, and then guess what? Again. And so if we're prioritizing comfort secretly, we'll never transform this stuff. Now people go from that hardcore, preserving comfort, avoiding everything to say, okay, I'm gonna go work on it. And they go find a comfortable way to work on it. And it doesn't radically change things. And look, I know there's outliers. Sometimes I talk to people, and they did like a boot camp thing usually in the dating arena. Like, I went out and talked. They forced me to talk to a thousand women in seven days. And talking to women till my eyes were bleeding. And maybe I'd only. Maybe if it worked for. I don't talk to those people if it worked for them. Right. I talked to people that didn't work for. And it's intense. They did a lot of discomfort, but it's so destabilized. I mean, there's no container. There's no integration. There's no real deep healing of relating to the parts of yourself. It's all just brute force, outer action. And I don't believe we can brute force exposure. Our way to resolving this action is a part of the formula for freedom and transformation. But it's not the only thing. It's not the only leverage. So hopefully you can hear as we're talking here that I'm passionate about this. Why? Because I know my teeth. I'm teeth gritting, knowing with certainty and shaking my head around that it is possible for radical transformation, especially in this core challenge of belonging, connection, assertiveness, authenticity, confidence, ultimately liberation. To be who you really are and to know that you belong, that you're lovable. Not in some. I say it in the mirror and try to believe it. I'm lovable. But actually you just operate like someone who is worthy and lovable. You don't even need to question it. And that doesn't mean that you don't feel insecure ever, and you don't have anxiety ever, and you don't get nervous in your relationship or react or get defensive. I'm not saying you're perfect, but you are living in terms of how free you feel, how alive you feel, how relaxed you are to be yourself. I mean, it is. I don't even know what number to put on it. A hundredfold, a thousandfold. It's a different universe in. It's a whole different life. And I know that that's possible because I've seen it and it's not like, well, I did it and I was. Was that a fluke? It's like, I've seen it and I've helped. Like, I don't know how many people at this point. Seven hundred? A thousand? Like, not just, oh, I. Someone read my book. I mean, actual human that I could list off that I know went through a significant process like this and is living a radically different life. That's from working with people over the last 18, 19 years. Maybe it means more than that. I never sat down a count. That would be exhausting. But it's a lot. It's a lot of people. So I am like foaming at the mouth of certainty here. But you might be hearing this and being like, I don't know, dude. I don't. I haven't seen all that. Right, but do you see how that's part of the same old voice? I don't know, dude. I don't know, dude. I don't know if you should go talk to that person, dude. It's probably gonna go bad. And so here is the truth. Most people will not resolve their core challenges in their life. And I don't mean that to be pessimistic. I mean that to be a wake up call, a freaking lightning bolt, because it's not. Most people don't change it because it's impossible, because they suck, because it's just. Because it requires something inside. And so if you're hearing this and you're nodding your head and you're feeling that resonance, I believe that's a call. And that's a call that I've heard in my life. It's the call to liberation. And so if you're listening to this and you're feeling that call, then I'm excited for you for 2026 because this is going to be your year. It's showing me that you're ready for something. In fact, if you want to turn that into something and maybe You've heard about this before, but I run a mastermind program that's entirely designed to produce this kind of transformation. And it's the combination of action and the structure and accountability and support on what level of action, how to do it systematically and intelligently and strategic, bit by bit, strategically over time, not overwhelm the system and the inner experiences and the relational experiences with other members in the program and me to create a new experience of belonging and sense of I can be all of me. And that doesn't mean we're doing trust falls and stuff. I mean, when I say belonging, this is a whole, this could be a whole episode. Actually. Belonging isn't out there. Belonging is in here. You carry a sense of belonging with you or don't everywhere you go. Now, some people might like hanging out with you, some people might not like hanging out with you. That doesn't mean that you don't belong. That feeling is not a them problem, that's a me problem. That's inside and that's what you can cultivate. So if you're drawn to that, now is a powerful time to claim that, to set a line in the sand. And if you want to go further, then go to my website at draziZ-R-A z I z.com and just click on the coaching tab at the top and you can find out about the Mastermind. You can apply there. It's an application process and then I'll be having a chance to talk with you. But now would be a phenomenal time, I believe, to step up. So let's talk about how you can put this in action. Time for action. Action, action. Your action step for this episode is to sit with what I'm sharing here and really honestly observe your experience. What have I been doing here? I mean, first of all, what is my desire and hunger for growth, for transformation, for freedom, for connection, for love, for belonging, like outer results, inner results. For this area that we're talking about, this wheelhouse of you being socially confident, connected, alive, relationships, freedom to speak up, assertiveness, authenticity, all this stuff. You might have other goals too. Like I want to get six pack abs. Yeah, but again, not super my wheelhouse. So let's stick to this area. In this domain, what do you really want and are you really fully committed to changing that? Again, I mentioned the mastermind. It doesn't have to be with me, right? But it's got to require something that's going to put you into a new stage of commitment. Otherwise it's a passing fancy that we sustain for a week or two while we're fired up. So what commitment are you going to parlay that into? What are you going to put yourself in to support you, to set yourself up to win, to really make this year a radical shift? And it's absolutely possible. That's the crazy thing. It's just. It's just when we claim it and we cannot be ready to claim something fully for a decade, even though we think we've been ready for a decade. Right. We just. We weren't on some soul level. We weren't on a mental level. We thought we were right. We hadn't matured in some deep way. So what would that look like for you? And little. Little bonus, if you want. There's a really beautiful, powerful chapter in my recent book. Doubtless if you haven't got a copy of that, I highly recommend that it's now up on Audible as well. I think it's chapter 15. It's on commitment. It's a really beautiful look at this. But that book is so much deeper and you'll uncover a lot of why we kind of armor up and don't believe in ourselves or trust in life. And that book really helps you break through, so you can believe in yourself and trust in life. So that's a beautiful gift. If you want to get that for yourself for the new year and listen to that one again. Listening to a book is not going to radically magically solve all problems because it's too passive to listen to a book. But if you listen to the book and you listen to that chapter on commitment, you're like, okay, yeah, now I'm. Now I'm ready to commit. And you go commit in your life and you go take new action. You get the right support and community and something to help you make the real change and you're willing to get uncomfortable, then that book becomes a beautiful, galvanizing catalyst in your life. And that's my goal for all my books. For them to be not just intellectual entertainment, but for them to be a lightning rod. A cattle prod. Is that the word? A lightning bolt? I don't know. Something a cattle producer heated up by a lightning bolt. That gets you moving. So I hope that supports you. Check out that book. Hope this episode supports you. We'll be continuing to make these into 2026. Here we go. The show's been going for 75 years, but thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've have just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkfortheshyguy. Com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter. Com.