Dr. Aziz explains that confidence is learnable but requires sitting with intense discomfort. Anxiety, guilt, and self-doubt are normal at the growth edge, not signs to stop. He shares how he pushed through these feelings to approach people, speak publicly, and run live events.
Questions this video answers
Dr. Aziz, founder of the Center for Social Confidence.
Not Nice.
Approximately 16–17 years.
Chapters
I have a confession that I kind of don't want to share with you today. You ready? I'm Dr. Aziz. I'm the founder of the center for Social Confidence and the author of three best selling books including Not Nice. And I've been studying and focusing on confidence for 16, 17 years at this point and have been studying in my own life and helping thousands of people at this point. And I have a confession about the confidence growth process that's kind of like the dirty secret that no one wants to hear. But I'm going to tell you because my goal is not to sell you on something or paint a rosy picture. My goal is to tell you the truth. And my focus is actually liberation. Liberation for myself and for you. And so we got to see the truth, we got to know the road ahead in order to be free. And there's one aspect of the road ahead for your confidence growth that you might not want to hear. And here's what it is, that to learn confidence, which you can do, I can do, all of us can do, that's what my whole premise is in this life is you can learn confidence, we can all do this. And you can grow in your confidence and you can do things that you never thought possible and you could be more than you ever thought. You could live bigger with more confidence, more love, more courage, more boldness, more you. More authenticity. There's just one catch, that there's going to be moments in that process that are so freaking uncomfortable that you're gonna think something's wrong, right? I mean, we all know go outside your comfort zone, right? You know, life begins at the end of your comfort zone. Do what scares you, feel the fear and do it anyway. And one of my sayings around this that we say at live events is do what scares you until fear has no power to stop you. We all know this stuff. We've taken a lot of this stuff in. However, what we don't, you know, it's just sort of this glamorous, like it scares you. Do it. I mean, kind of imagine like, I don't know, a Nike ad or someone with like sweat on their face pushing through and then drinking Gatorade and you're like, ye, yeah, that's what it's like. And then when you're actually in it, you're like, oh, it's not like the commercial. It's not like that little documentary. I watched the person doing their ultra run and it seemed hard, but really amazing. No, it's like way shittier than that. So let me Give you an example. There's different areas that I'm always pushing my edge, right? And back in the day, it was, can I approach women I'm attracted to? That used to terrify me. And then it was, can I do more public speaking? And then I did that. Then I could record videos and then let me grow a business and doing all these different things that scared me. But one thing that I've been doing consistently for a while is running live events. And it's one of the most powerful ways that I know to help people radically transform in their confidence. And so I do them, and I'm really good at leading them and good at teaching and good at being engaging. But there's a part of me that is, like, so uncomfortable with being on for four days. Like, that little introvert self in me that's like, oh, my God. You know, we do long days. Like, some of the days in the event are 12 hours. So just on for many, many hours, dealing with people, interacting with people, being with groups, and that little introvert inside is like, ugh, Ugh. I don't like this. Right? So every single event, this is how it goes down. And it was worse in the past. I used to have a ton of anxiety, and now there's still a fair amount where somewhere in the process, usually like a couple days leading into the event or maybe after, like, the second first night or something going on the second day, it'll peak the resistance, the anxiety, and there'll be some sense of, like, I don't even like this. Why am I even doing this? You know? And it's like tantruming inside of me the day before the event or going to the second day of the event, like, well, you're in it now. What are we gonna do? Right? But that isn't really me not wanting to do it. What that is is the voice of fear. It's the voice of discomfort. It's the voice of resistance. And that's the thing that I think people don't realize is as you go in this process, it's not just a burst of fear, but you know, it's the right thing to do. So you do it. The fear starts to creep up, and then you don't. Do I even really want to do this? This is so uncomfortable. This feels so bad. This must be wrong. And so let's say you're putting yourself out there to be more authentic. You're being less nice. You know, my book Not Nice talks a lot about that. I hear this all the time. People are more assertive at work or in their relationships. And it's actually going well externally. And inside they're like, I'm gonna crawl out of my skin. Like, I can't sustain this. I'm white knuckling it through the day. I feel like such a bad person. I feel so much guilt, I feel so much anxiety. And that's part of the process. And so that's the secret I wanted to share with you today, is as you're growing, there will be moments, there will be periods, especially when you're really pushing that growth edge and that it's not just a moment of fear, but it might be like a drawn out, multi day, multi week experience of heightened anxiety, of sensitivity, of confusion of self doubt of not wanting to do it. But that's part of the process. And you know, in your more clear moments, like you're reading not nice or whatever and you're like, yeah, I want to be that way. That's you and your more clear self. Then it's sort of like the person who decides they want to go on a, you know, whatever, trekked to the top of Mount Everest or something, right? And they're sitting at their couch at home and they're like, yeah, that sounds amazing. That would be epic. What an epic life story that would be. I'm gonna do it. And then flash forward to when they're like, you know, leaving base camp and they have cramps and they have some altitude sickness going on and they're just like, this sucks. Why am I out here? I don't know. I've never climbed Mount Everest. Maybe people have moments like that, I'd imagine. But then you're like, yeah, but I decided back then that that's the direction I wanted to go. And so I'm going to stay on that track. I'm going to go to the top of that mountain because I know ultimately that's where I really do want to go. And right now this is resistance, this is fear, this is doubt, this is all the turbulence that's getting in the way. In fact, this is the test for me to step up and overcome. So maybe you're in that challenge right now. Maybe it's coming for you. Maybe you've had one in the past. Just know that this is a natural and normal part of the process. You're in the right place. And you can share here, share down in your comments below. Share with me. You can go to SocialConfidenceCenter.com and find out about all the ways I connect and serve with people you can come to a live event. Just know that you're not alone and that this is the process. This is the way. The discomfort and the working through it and the courage to keep going is the way. And I'm so glad to be with you on this journey. Until we speak again, may I have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.
