Dr. Aziz explains that perfectionism is not a virtue but a coping strategy born from a feeling of inadequacy formed in childhood (e.g., parental or peer-induced pain). He describes how perfectionism becomes a compulsive identity aimed at avoiding rejection, produces chronic anxiety, and undermines intimate relationships. He urges letting go of perfectionism, recommends two books (The Pursuit of Perfect; his own On My Own Side), and offers an ebook with a five-step confidence process.
In this video, I'm going to reveal the dirty little secret of perfectionism. What it is, why we actually do it and how we can kill your confidence and what to do instead. So if you're benefiting from these videos, click down below to subscribe and hit the little bell notifications. You can watch these more as they come out. The more you study these, the more confident you're going to become. And of course, if you really want to become free, go click down below to get the ebook and you can get a systematic five step process called Five Steps to Unleash youh Inner Confidence. To really build up a stable, solid, unconditional sense of confidence inside. That's my vision for you. Okay, so perfectionism, a lot of people will say like, oh, I'm a perfectionist. They almost have a little bit of pride in it, right? It's like, hey, if I'm a perfectionist, it means I do good work. It means I have a high standard. It means I don't settle for those other people who aren't as good as me and my standard. There's a little bit of pride in perfectionism. And you know what? I want to, I want to burst that bubble because here's what perfectionism really is. And I'm not just speaking from all the thousands of people I've worked with over the years. I'm actually talking about my own deep dive into perfectionism. Because I have had so much of perfectionism in my life. In fact, there's been moments in my life when I've been working with this and releasing layers and layers of perfectionism programming that I'm like, how much of my personality up to this point has been just me striving to prove something. So that's an interesting moment of self awareness. But here's the thing, here's what perfectionism is really, right? So perfectionism kind of on the surface is like, hey, I'm going to be the best and I'm going to achieve the most and I'm going to make my work the highest quality and produce the most of it and it's going to be awesome. And sometimes even on a job interview it's like, do you have any flaws? Well, I tend to be a bit of a perfectionist, so everything's got to be the greatest. It's like this pseudo flaw that we put out there. But actually it is a major detriment because here's what perfectionism really is. You ready? It is born out of a sense of inadequacy. I'm not Enough, I'm incomplete. I'm less than, I'm inferior. Perfectionism actually is a secret feeling of inferiority. I'm not enough. And then this strategy that we come up with to solve the problem of not being enough. So it starts when we're young, we're little kids, we learn somewhere along the way, like, oh my God, I can experience pain. And the pain came about somehow from a parent. You maybe didn't do well enough on a test, or someone yelled at you or something, or a teacher or other kids. And you're like, oh my gosh, this feels terrible. I don't know how to deal with this pain. You know what? Why do I experience this pain? I'm experiencing this pain because I didn't have the right clothes on. Because I didn't do well enough on that test, because I didn't score enough goals in soccer. Whatever it is, we kind of look at the situation, we determine why we're experiencing the pain and we come up with a strategy. And it's the perfectionist strategy. And it says, okay, alright, if I had just the right clothes, or if I just did perfectly on all my schoolwork, or I just scored goals, I was just a better athlete, then I wouldn't be experiencing this pain. So I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to give everything I got to become perfect in the ways defined by my environment growing up. You with me so far. And then flash forward 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, 30 years. We have a whole identity built around that way of being and it's compulsive. And there is a tidal wave of anxiety behind not being perfect. And perfectionism tends to accumulate to more and more areas. So it's like I got to look perfect and work and then I also gotta be perfect with my clothes and I also gotta be perfect in my relationships. And what ends up happening is we create this illusion, this self image of perfection, but then underneath we're feeling all kinds of stuff because we're human, but we don't want to reveal it because if I reveal it, then the spell is broken. And all that rejection and pain that I experienced from when I was 5, 7, 10, 12, whatever, I'm going to experience it again. And I can't have that. And so what this does is this really hinders your capacity to have real relationships with people like love and connection because you're like, I can't let them see the real me. And this is painful. I see this happen in people that are married and been married for 10, 20 years. And look, they have a family together. They're doing okay, but they don't deeply, intimately know each other. I wouldn't say they're like really in deep, intimate relationship with each other. They're kind of coexisting and. Same thing. There's like this armor around colleagues and friends and everybody. And it's like everyone likes you. You're doing pretty awesome, but you feel alone, you feel disconnected, you feel stressed out. And here's the other dirty secret of perfectionism. Perfectionists feel anxious all the freaking time. Oh, my God. What if that doesn't work? What if that doesn't work? And there can even be this vague sense of unease just about something in the future might not be perfect. You got to keep your guard up all the time and you got this little self image, and it's like it only covers this much space. And so you're like, you gotta put it over here so they don't see it. But what about those people over there? Okay, I'm gonna put it over here, but what about those people? I'm gonna put it up here. And you're just hustling, trying to make sure everyone only sees that perfect side of you. And it's exhausting. And you can let it go. You really can stop exalting perfectionism. It's not amazing. It's not great. It is a. It's like a piece of hot coal. It's burning your hand. It's not serving you. You got to let it go. And when you let it go, you're going to start to feel a lot more. There's two books I recommend. One is called the Pursuit of Perfect. I don't remember the author's name, but you can look it up. The Pursuit of Perfect. It's got a blue cover. Second book I recommend, it's called On My Own side. Written by yours truly on my own side. It will, like, help you unravel that pressure to be better and different than you are and to truly come back to being on your own side no matter what. So I hope this serves you and really opens up doors for you to really know that you're okay as you are. You know, at the end of these videos, I like to say, you know, know on a deep level that you're awesome. That's the. That's the healing balm to perfectionism, is to know that you truly are awesome. Not that you're going to achieve awesomeness by doing X, Y and Z. And then you'll know now, as you are beautiful. Share down in the comments what you're learning, how it's benefiting you. And until we speak again, may I have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon.
