Dr. Aziz explains that the pain of rejection comes not from the other person saying "no" but from the story you tell yourself afterward — essentially rejecting yourself. He argues that after rejection people ruminate on perceived flaws and predict lasting loneliness, which amplifies pain; changing that self-rejecting pattern reduces the fear of rejection and makes it easier to take social risks.
Rejection doesn't hurt because they said no. It's because of what you're telling yourself after they said no. In fact, the biggest source of pain for rejection is actually your own rejecting of yourself. After someone says no to you, you turn on yourself. You find out all your own flaws and you display them for yourself, making a case as to why you're not lovable, why it won't work in the future, why you ultimately are going to be alone and hurting forever. And that is what causes all the pain of rejection. And when you change that pattern, your experience of reject rejection becomes completely different, and it's no longer so terrifying, and you can put yourself out there way more than ever before.
