The World Is A Friendly Place

Coming to you from the center for social confidence in Portland, Oregon, welcome to Shrink for the shy guy helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz.

Hey, welcome to today's episode.

Today you are going to start to learn how to shift your assumptions about the world around you. That's why I called this show the world is a friendly place because many of us are operating subconsciously with beliefs and assumptions that the world is not a friendly place. So we're going to get into that in this intro here. And then I'm going to jump into an interview with a former client named Dominic who transformed his life. And he lived this shy story out for so many years and he did some amazing work and he totally gets it, totally broke through, has an amazing life now, girlfriend. Just really is fully himself and knows who he is and likes himself and, and there is so much that we can learn from his journey. So we're going to jump into that in just a moment and as always, want to get in touch with me. Call the show hotline. Leave a message. Love to respond, love to answer your questions, hear about your success stories. Call the show hotline at 206-338-3176 or email at hostshrinkfortheshyguy.com that's hostrinkforthshyguy. Also check out the Facebook, facebook.com shrinkforthshyguy so how do we shift our assumptions about the world? What do I mean by assumptions? Well, right now, when you're walking down the street, even if you're not consciously thinking about it, you have assumptions about the people around you and what I found. When I dig deep into people that are shy or self conscious or not being as fully confident as they like, they tend to assume that people are hostile, aggressive, harsh, and rejecting. So it's like, hey, why don't you go talk to that person and see if they want to give you their number, have a drink with you? Well, no, no, I can't do that. And if we explore deeper why, it's like they're anticipating, not just, oh, that's so sweet. Thank you for your offer. I'm really flattered, but I have a boyfriend they're expecting. Oh, my God. Why are you even talking to me? Why are you even standing within 50ft of someone with my beauty and appearance and value and you, you wretched worm, get away from me. Right? We have this expectation for harsh, harsh rejection. And so what we do is we. And you're probably doing this in your own life. Right now, if you're not as confident as you want to be, is you're not engaging, you're not engaging with the world to the extent that you want to. That means you're not talking to new people, you're not making new friends, you're not just chatting with people. You go to a party and there's a bunch of people that you know and a bunch of people you don't know.

You don't talk to the people that you don't know.

You're maybe not dating at the level that you want. You're not creating the relationships that you want. You don't have the coworker relationships with.

People that you work with.

You don't engage in some way. Or if you're expecting a harsh rejecting result, you might engage in a way that brings about that result. I know, mind boggling, right? Like, why would we do that? It's a crazy thing. It's called a self fulfilling prophecy. So we assume people are going to reject us and we approach them with a little bit of a hard edge or a little bit of a I'm not worth your time kind of vibe. And sure enough, that's the response that we get because they pick up on our signals. So what I want to teach in this episode is that in reality, the world is a friendly place. You know, I mean, like, you can interact with people. And the vast majority of the time, especially if you have the right energy, people respond incredibly positively. And people are amazed when they walk and hang out with me, just friends or even clients, and they see me interacting with people and they're like, I can't believe that person said yes to your request. Because I request some of the most absurd stuff as a game. I can't believe that they said yes to you. I can't believe they wanted to talk to you. I thought they would have thrown a drink in your face asking them if I can have a bite of their food off of their plate and getting it. It's amazing how friendly the world is when you approach it with that assumption. So instead of me just telling you all about it, I want you to hear and learn from a guy who really lived this transformation, who went from a place of seeing the world as hostile, critical, rejecting not just women, but the entire world. And now he's in a place of.

Seeing things very, very differently.

So let's jump into that interview with Dominic right now.

Expert interview.

Today's guest expert is an expert because he himself has traveled the road from shyness to much greater social confidence than the majority of people actually have. His name is Dominic, and he started out in a place of pretty strong shyness and social anxiety, where he was afraid to put himself out there. And I had the privilege of working with Dominic, and I was continually impressed and surprised at how much he got the steps and really applied them and really made consistent, fantastic progress. And as a result, his life started to open up, and he went from a place of being very inhibited and worried if he couldn't make friends or if people would want to be with him, or if he could be in a relationship that was satisfying to him. And I watched him become the hub of a social network, not just having a few friends, but really the center of it. And he was involved in a leadership position in a sports team in school. And he went on to, you know, last I heard, he was in a situation where he was choosing among several women that he wanted to date. I'm sure he's in a different place now, or here he's in a relationship. So just really amazing success in a lot of ways. And the one reason I wanted to have him on the show was I think that if you're listening to this and you're stuck in that place of shyness, that you can really hear his story and it can give you a.

Sense of hope or inspiration that you can get out of it.

And through our interview, you're going to get some guidance, some tips, some ideas and strategies that you can use to follow in his path, because it's a fantastic journey that he's made. So thank you so much for joining us and coming on the show, Dominic. I appreciate that.

You're welcome.

So I did a little bit of an intro there about where you were, but maybe just to paint more of a picture, can you start by sharing, thinking back to even before we met and just where you were in that shyness? Maybe help people understand what life was like or some of the challenges you had.

Well, I mean, one example is when I started at Portland State University, where I went to, I often would go into a classroom, and by the end of the term, I wouldn't actually have known anyone by the end of the class. So I remember thinking, what was the end of my first year? And I really didn't know. I didn't really have any friends in Portland at my university where I was going to. So. And I kind of got to an acceptance of that to the point where I just thought, like, that's just how it kind of goes. Like, I'll just do my Own thing. And it just was more. More effort than it seemed worth to try and make that or more work than it seemed worth and to make that effort to try and go out and approach people or. I just didn't think that it was even going to happen. Like anything I was going to do wasn't going to have any type of beneficial or beneficial repercussions for me. So.

Yeah.

But yeah, I know it was a lot of analyzing what people were gonna think of you before you even talked to them. Just predicting that there was no point in trying to talk to someone because they were most likely going to already not like you. I mean, mind reading, I suppose is what they call it. So.

Sure.

Yeah.

That assuming of a disapproval. And I really personally relate from my. When I was really stuck in that place myself of that there's nothing a. It's so much effort to try to make something different. And even if I did put all that effort in, it probably wouldn't work out anyway. It's a very kind of a draining place to be. And how did you feel about yourself in terms of being desirable to women or having something to offer in relationships and really seeing yourself as a. An attractive man that someone would want to. A woman that you found beautiful would choose to be with you? How did you see that aspect of your life?

I remember having a lot of jealousy. Jealousy towards like, the fact that some people make it look so easy. But I just. I couldn't figure it out. Like, I just could not figure out what they were doing that, you know, like, it didn't seem like they seemed magical or anything, but, like, I just couldn't. I couldn't talk to women. It was. It was frustrating because I knew. I knew what I wanted and I felt that, like, I kind of knew how it was supposed to happen. But every single time I approached a situation where I had a plan in my head, it wouldn't go through. I would. My nervousness or my anxiety would take over and I would never complete this. Which was funny because I would never complete the like, elaborate, elaborate plan that I had made in my head that I've been thinking for or, you know, several hours or at least or a week even sometimes considering if it was somebody that I've been contact with that long or like, you know, like planning and planning. And I had the conversation laid out. I was gonna say this, this person, she was gonna say this and then I was gonna say this and she was gonna laugh and all that was gonna happen. And then the second I approached the situation it wasn't gonna happen. Now, I was. I mentally wanted to do it, but physically I felt like I just couldn't actually make it happen. And it was a lot of self anger because. Because it was like, I knew that I wanted that to happen, but I was just scared that it wasn't like it was. I don't quite know how to describe it, really, because it's like I didn't think. Like, I could see. I didn't think I was, like, hideous or anything, but I could just feel that I didn't have. That there was something better than me in a way. Like I'm not, like, the bottom of the barrel, but that they would choose somebody else over me.

Right.

Yeah. There's definitely someone who has more to offer, is more attractive than I. Yeah.

And it came to the point, like, it was easier to just not even try than to, like, go up and realize that I wasn't worthwhile or anything.

Yeah. Oh, man. This is like, giving me flashbacks to when I was in college, just, like, being in a class. And there's a woman that I. I've decided, like, I'd always pick one that was like, ooh, she's the one. She's really beautiful, and she's just my type. And, you know. And she's also, you know, whatever. She draws, she doodles cool things, she's artistic. And. And I would spend. You know, it's a. Say it's a Monday, Wednesday, Friday class, so I'd see her three times a week. And earlier in college, I wouldn't. Like, 10 weeks would go by and I'd do nothing. Later on, six weeks would go by and I do exactly what you're describing, where I'd have it all mapped out and avoid it week after week. And eventually I'd try and then usually get some sort of lukewarm response, like, yeah, you seem really nice.

Let's never hang out again.

Kind of thing.

I think it's. I think it's funny of how much, like, you spend more time, like, in your head with this person than you actually probably do in the room with them.

Yeah, it's like.

It's like a fantasy.

All these ideas of, like, oh, it's gonna be great if this actually was to happen, but it would never, like, get to that point because I would never, never, like, you know, make the first hurdle or whatever.

Sure. Yeah. I mean, that's. It's a lot safer up there in our heads than in the real world.

We're gonna pause here and take a brief break and Then we're gonna resume with our interview with Dominic. Hang tight.

Do you like yourself when no one else is around? Are you proud of who you are? If your answer is no, then most likely you don't have the confidence you need and want. If you're tired of being your own worst critic, then it's time to change this. Dr. Aziz has a program that is entirely dedicated to transforming how you feel towards yourself. Discover the skill of self esteem, how to accept yourself, build your strengths, and truly love who you are. Go to www.yourconfidencecode.com to learn more.

You know, one thing this reminds me of, and I don't know if you remember this, but I know when we first started having our conversations, you were bringing up this idea of normal. Like, I'm not normal and I want.

To be more normal.

And people might tell that I'm just not this normal guy. And I think, you know, the reason I'm bringing it up is because so many people that I talk to with shyness have this sense of there's something not quite right with me. And do you remember that? And if so, can you say a little more about your thought process at that time about being normal?

Oh, yeah. And it's funny because, like, my idea of normal has just changed so drastically now because I used to always compare myself. I think when you have anxiety, you usually spend a lot of time comparing yourself to others. And my conclusion was that I can't do what most people do because I'm not normal like them. And that the reason that they're able to go walk up to the girl and flirt, which is a very scary sounding word to me back then. But the reason they're able to do that is because they're normal. And I'm. I have something that I'm missing in me. So I literally, I can't flirt. It's not that I don't know how to. I just literally I can't flirt. So why even try? But I've kind of, as time's gone on, I realized that you are not a constant. I suppose that, like, you are not like normal or abnormal. Like, you are just. You're always gonna be able to change who you are. So, like, I've gotten myself closer to a place where now I'm. I'm able to do what I want, but it doesn't mean I'm more or less normal. I'm just. I'm more in control of. Yeah. I mean. Yeah.

Which is. Which is, I think, the ultimate goal anyway, you know, because it's normal. Such a strange concept. It's. I want to be like everyone else and really it's. I want to be able to do what I want. I want to go after what I want and take on challenges and go introduce myself to someone if I want to be friends with them. And that's. There's just so much more choice and freedom that I think is a much better outcome than being, quote, normal.

Whatever.

Whatever that is. Anyway.

Yeah, everyone has a different idea of what normal is, right? I mean, you talk to anyone, they will never agree what normal is like. Sure, I think you, you were one of the people who taught me that. But like, normal for one person is not normal for another. And. And just, just. Yeah, the idea of not being normal doesn't make any sense because you can always change who you are. So you're not like a. Something.

Sure.

Oh, man, that. And that is a. Just a huge insider realization. If someone can really take that in, be like I. Because we define ourselves as this static thing. I am not good at this. I am incapable at that. And any skill. If you think about anything that you.

Learned when you first started out at.

It, you sucked and then you did it a lot and you got better, whether it's an instrument or a sport or hobby or something. So I think that's a really helpful reminder and if we were to jump ahead to now. So here's what I'd like to do. I'd like to ask you kind of give us a snapshot of what life is like now, currently, and then we'll kind of get into the bridge, like, well, how did you get from there to where you are now? So can you just share a little bit about how you see yourself now and what you're able to do and what's going on in your life and your relationships and all that stuff?

Well, it's. As I've said, or I've alluded to, it's very much more. The main difference, I would say, out of everything, is much more a place of self control. As in, like, I have more control over or I feel that I have more control over, like, what's happening in my life. I have more control over my social interactions. I have more control if I see something that I want to have happen. I have a leadership position. I want to go on a club. I want to be a part of a friend that I want or a person I want to talk to and maybe become friends with a girl that I want to approach and express that I'm interested. It's not so much like there's walls in the way like there were before, because I remember that being a big thing is that, like, there's all these things around me that I kind of desired and like, wish I could have the ability to get to, but there's walls there. I couldn't, couldn't possibly go over there. But now it's much more like if I, if I have a want or anything, I can kind of see myself getting there. So even getting into graduate school, where I'm at now, the idea of being in a career position, I wanted that. Right. But I didn't see myself being there. Like, I could never be a professional person who was telling others, giving them advice or anything. But now I can see myself kind of being like, I have enough confidence in myself that I. Yeah, if I say something to someone and I'm, you know, a confident person, I can, you know, use my. I can do that now.

Yeah.

To the same point, I've actually transversed into this new person where I'm actually able to take on leadership positions, which was a very difficult process to get to because I never thought of myself as being this type of person. But as of right now, in my grad school class, I am on the student council. And not just any student council position, but I am the what is quoted as the entertainment rep of the class, which means that I run all the social functions of the class. It involves a lot of standing up. So we have an event coming up. I have to stand up in front of the class and announce it and explain what's going to happen. I have to coordinate things with people. There's a lot of people looking to me to kind of like, take care of things. So rather than what I used to be, like, where I used to, like, always want someone above you. So that way I was never held accountable. Like, I just couldn't think of the idea of being held accountable for something because I didn't have the capabilities or something in my. I guess in my mind, sure, I have a lot of responsibility now. So if an event is going to go badly, it's because I did not do a very good job at taking care of it. So that's what I mean by accountability. But I, I run. So we had like a St. Patrick's Day party type thing. I guess we just like kind of got. Went to a local venue and invited everyone there and I helped run that all. And we're having an end of term get together and I've decided where we're going. To have it at. And I've organized all the people and I've sent out the emails and I stood in front of the class as. Actually, today sounds funny, but today I went and stood in front of the class and I announced it to everybody and told them what to expect and the time and the date. And if you had gone to me 10 years ago and said you have to stand in front of class of 90 people, I probably would have tried to skip the state. So, I mean, there's that aspect of the fact that, like, I'm able to take on. There's more doors have been open to me because I never even had the desire to be in a leadership position before because I just thought, like, it's not even anything I want to do. But now actually, the fact that I can be in a leadership position, it's very rewarding. I kind of. I thrive off of it. I love making people happy, I guess, in a way, because I'm actually organizing events and things and people come up and thank you and they say, good.

Job.

And they congratulate me on the fact that everything went really well. And I feel that I. I don't know, maybe. Maybe because I've never really, you know, been. I mean, I haven't been into exposed to this as much, but like, I thrive off of it. And I feel really good about trying my hardest to make sure that people have a good time.

Yeah, I mean, that's. That's. So I think it highlights how, you know, we all have a basic need to. To feel significant, to feel meaningful, special, worthwhile. And I think we'll do anything to meet that need. And you're meeting it in a very positive way. Like, I'm going to do my best to make a positive experience for these people and they're going to thank me for it. And that meets that need in a really healthy way. But in the past, when we feel that's totally impossible, we meet it in a less healthy way by, like, having a problem that no one can solve. And I'm significant because I'm so messed up. I'm so different than everyone else. But I think it's just meeting it in such a healthy way is really reinforcing, and then it makes you want to do more of it. And one thing I'm curious about as well is you just mentioned before the call that you have a girlfriend. Can you share a little bit about your relationship and how you met her?

Oh, it's actually, it's a funny story. I went to a. Well, not it's not funny. But I went to a wedding and I was talking, I knew the groom and I was talking to the groom and I was saying that I go to this university. And he goes, oh, I know someone that works there. I think they're one of the bridesmaids. I was like, oh, that's interesting. And so he said, here, I'll go talk to her. So we talked about. He went, introduced me to her. And so I was talking to her, you know, about the school and stuff like that. All those, you know, kind of boring details. And then I thought, like, that I'd be interested to get to know her better. So I said, well, hey, as long as we live in the same city and you know, we go and we both like happen to be at the same, like, place all the time, maybe I can get your number and we can just hang out sometime. Because I always want to meet more people in the area. And that's kind of how it started out. Like, it was very kind of nonchalant in a way.

Sure. You smooth, smooth dog, you.

Yeah, well, because I didn't, I didn't really know like what her situation was or anything really at that point. Yeah, she. I remember like, she was standing next to the bride at that time and I remember she like, she kind of like said, oh yeah, and she like gave a funny little smile to the bride. So I kind of think that she picked up on the fact that I was asking for a number for more reasons. But then I went and she works at the library at the school. And I went and made the effort to go in and find her when she was working. And then I walked up and just, you know, chit chatted with her a little bit. And then I said, hey, I'm thinking of doing some this weekend. Are you free this weekend? And she said, oh yeah, I'm free this weekend. And then I kind of like bumbled about a little bit because I think you have, you normally are gonna be nervous at any point when you're kind of, you know, talking to a girl that you're attracted to. But then I was like, all right, all right. And I decided that the blunt approach is much better than the kind of, you know, over the top, like, you know, alluding towards something the entire time. So I just said, actually, alright, I really, I just want to ask you out, like, would you want to go out to this bar with me and, you know, grab a drink or something? And so, you know, she obviously agreed. And it's been five months since then, but I mean, the big difference between this. This first date, in most first dates is that that I've had my life is that I actually pursued this person. Like, I made 100% of all the effort to go out of my way to go on a date with a person. And if I hadn't, I mean, like, she wasn't chasing me. I was. I was the one who was approaching her the entire time.

Yeah, and that just goes back to what you're saying about having more. More control and going for what you want. And I think there's such rewards in that. And I love what you said there about the alluding to it versus being blunt. And that's so common when we're really shy. It's sort of the nice guy approach is, well, I don't want her to think that I'm picking up on her or asking her out because she's going to be annoyed and offended. So we end up just kind of beating around the bush and being very indirect. But what I found with women is, for the most part, boldness is rewarded. So the more boldness you can demonstrate in a respectful way, the. The better reactions and responses you tend to get. So I think she picked up on that and seemed like it was, you know, you said, obviously she said yes, and that's great. Of course she did. She'd be crazy not to. So, okay, that's such a perfect snapshot of where you were and where you are now. And I guess the question that would be is, how did that shift happen? You know, and you can just start throwing out things that come to your mind. What do you think really helped you make that big shift?

That is all the time that we have for the interview today. You're gonna have to wait until next week where we finish up the interview to hear the rest of this story. And it is fascinating. So stay tuned to that for next week. And now in just a moment, we're gonna get to your action step, which is gonna be incredibly important for you to really make that shift in your assumptions. It's not an intellectual thing. You can start to get it intellectually, but to really feel free and liberated in yourself and confident. You know my philosophy, you gotta take action. So hang on for one second. We're gonna have a brief break, and then we're gonna come back with your action step.

So you're listening to this Internet radio show and you're hearing all about how you can increase your confidence, but how do you actually make that happen? How do you turn it from an idea into Your reality. One of the fastest ways to make massive changes in your life is, is to join with others who are on the same journey. Dr. Aziz has recently started offering core confidence groups, which allow you to be a part of a group of people who are making the same changes you are. With the power of a group behind you, no limits can stand in your way. To find out more about upcoming group opportunities, go to SocialConfidenceCenter.com and click on confidence Coaching.

Time for action.

So today's action step is something I call friendly Greetings Practice. And you might have come across this one of my YouTube videos or my programs, but if you've not, this is incredibly powerful. And even if you have, this is not a one time thing. This is a thing you can do daily. I've done this experiment hundreds of times, literally. And every time I've learned something. Every time I've built my confidence. Every time it's been a valuable use of my time and it can only take five minutes. So it's an incredible value and it's called friendly greetings practice. What that means is you just walk down a busy street in your town or city where there's a lot of foot traffic. You can do it in a mall if you want, you can do it.

In a place where there's a lot.

Of shops or restaurants. Walk down a busy street and you look at people and say hi to them and you do it with boldness and vigor and like you mean it. You know, when I take out guys to do, you know, live work and sessions and weekend intensives and stuff, and we do this stuff together because, you know, you can get a real rapid transformation if someone's there supporting you and guiding you and just helping you blast through obstacles. And I'll go out with them and invariably when you first start it, they're kind of shuffling along and their heads down a little bit and they're like, hey, hi there, hey. And most people ignore them. And so I encourage them to say it like you mean it. And what we'll do is we'll kind.

Of walk away from the crowded area.

To like a little uncrowded street. And I'll just do all kinds of games with them. Like, okay, now walk like you're a badass, do this swagger. Now do this thing and then I'll hit your chest and say this and then do this in this voice. And we do all these kinds of weird NLP stuff to break their patterns and help them get more free in their body. Then they come back to the street. And I say, say it like you mean it. And that means their shoulders are back, their head is high, they're looking at people. And it's like, not just that you're doing this exercise because you're supposed to, but, hey, let me see how many people I can reach out and touch and say hi and have a positive impact on today. Then they get it. They start walking down the street and saying, hey. Hey, how's it going? Hey there. And sure enough, they get totally different responses. So do this. And here's the key. Do this and greet 25 people. That's two, five. I know. That's a lot. 25 people. Now, not all 25 have to say hi back. In fact, a certain percentage of people are just going to ignore you, but that's their deal. So do this experiment. There's so many things you can learn from it. I can't get into all of it here, but you will find out. Do it. Get at least 25 hellos. And I look forward to hearing about it. Let me know. Leave me a message on the hotline. How it goes, success, challenges, whatever. 206-338-3176. I look forward to speaking with you next week. We're gonna hear the rest of Dominic's interview and we're gonna talk about this thing that he mentions in the interview next week about how we tend to idealize others, right? You tend to look at someone else and say, like, wow, they're so great. They're so confident. They have it all figured out, man, I suck. So you're gonna learn about that pattern, how to break it, hear more about how Dominic broke that pattern in himself and really start to develop a natural appreciation for who you are. So that'll all happen next week. Stay tuned. Subscribe. If you haven't already, you can find out how to subscribe on the website shrinkforthshyguy.com and again, email me hostrinkfortheshyguy. I'd love to hear from you. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know that you're awesome.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.