Three Ways to Be Extremely Interesting in Conversations

Do you want to be more engaging and more interesting when you're having conversations with people? Do you want people to be really fascinated when they're talking with you in a business setting or personal setting dating situation where it feels like the person's like hanging on your every word? They love talking with you and of course they want more. If you want that, then stay tuned because I'm going to share with you three ways to become way more engaging and interesting in conversations. Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon. Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy, Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz. Hello, welcome to today's episode of the show. I'm Dr. Azeez. This is Shrink from for the Shy guy. And how are you doing today? Are you pumped? I'm pumped. I got like five hours of sleep last night and drank some yerba mate before coming into work this morning and I don't really ever drink caffeine pretty rarely as needed. Try not to get hooked on the stuff. So when I do, I am juiced. Let's do this. I'm pumped. So I'm gonna share with you three ways to be extremely interesting in conversations. And by the way, if you enjoy the show and you want to go deeper, go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com shrinkforthshyguy.com youm can send me a message through the site and I've been, as you've been seeing, I've been doing some bonus episodes about Ask the Shrink where I'll answer your questions, you send them in and it's a good fit for the show. So go there, you can interact with me. You can Also follow on facebook.com SocialConfidence Find out about updates and all that good stuff. And what I want to share today came out of one of my group sessions this week. So I run a program called the Unstoppable Confidence Mastermind. And it's limited to a very small number of people and it's a big investment to come into the program. It's a year long program and right now the investment is 9,000 for the year. And people are super motivated. They get weekly group calls with me. They come to all the weekends. They're just ready to completely transform this area of their life. And I love those calls because inside of them some of the most amazing distinctions happen. I learn how to teach stuff in a way more powerful way. It becomes very dynamic and alive. And what's awesome for you is you get to learn the Secrets and insights that I use in those calls to help people transform their lives now. So you get all that for free. Bonus. So this came out of a call and there was a. There was a member in the, in the group who was struggling, particularly with women, but with a lot of people where he would. Could sort of interact with them for a few minutes and then the conversation would dry up and he'd run out of things to say. He'd get nervous. Then he's like, ah, you start to feel anxious. He would then they, you know, feel like they didn't want to talk to him anymore and the conversations would kind of fall apart. So if you've ever experienced that where you. You run out of things to say or it just seems like the person maybe wants to talk to someone else, then that sucks, right? It's no fun. So let's talk about how you can be way more engaging, way more interesting. And here's the beauty of it. You don't have to, you know, memorize some, as the pickup artists call it, some high demonstration of value story that's made up or like, yeah, I was on a, on a boat and I was the most popular guy on the boat and everyone thought I was cool. I have high value. See, you want to go back to my place? Like, we don't have to do any of that stuff because that's just weird manipulation stuff. This is really about how to truly become interesting to others and how to do it by being more of you, which, as you know, I'm all about, right? It's how to become. Get all these results, dates, awesome relationships, more income, better career success, better friendships, more social confidence, all by becoming more of you, the most confident version of you. So that's what we're getting into today. Let's get started. Three ways to become extremely interesting in conversations. Take some notes. I encourage you to do that. This is going to be a super valuable session today episode, if you will. Number one, share your enthusiasm. Share your enthusiasm for things. What I find, hands down, stops people from being engaged with you is you are. You are too shut down. You're too restricted in your energy. You don't let your energy show. You don't let your enthusiasm show. Maybe because you're nervous, maybe because you're worried that they might not like what you're talking about. They might judge you. They might not be that interested in it. You assume that. So you hold back and either you don't tell them the things you're really excited about, you don't spontaneously share Things that are interesting or cool to you, or if you do talk or share, you're holding back because you're tight. You're nervous. You're not wanting to get rejected. That means maybe you're a little more monotone. Your face isn't as animated, your gestures aren't as animated. You're just. Less energy is coming out of you. And so the first thing you want to do is you want to give yourself permission to share your enthusiasm. And don't assume that other people aren't going to be interested. Like, let yourself. And you know who I learn a ton from or who teaches me a ton about this is actually little kids. I love it. So I have a. I used to not be that much of a kid person. Now that I have two kids, I'm becoming way more of a kid person. I think kids are fascinating. And so my little guy, Zaim, is two and a half right now. And sometimes I'll get home at the end of a work day and he'll have done some stuff with his mom and maybe a friend or something that came over. And now he's at the age where he can start to tell me about it. So I'll be like, you know, I know they went to the go see the ducks yesterday. And I'll be like, so you know what happened with the ducks? Or sometimes I don't even ask him. I'll just say, hey, Zaim. And then he'll say, saw the ducks? Yeah, yeah, saw the ducks. And I'll say, oh, wow, you saw the ducks? Yeah. No, catch one. No catch one. Oh, did you try to catch one? Yeah. No, no, catched it. Oh, you didn't catch it? No. And he starts just telling me in his little. We call it Zaim speak his little broken language about his experience with the ducks. There is no thought, oh, he doesn't want to know about this. Oh, this isn't that interesting. Oh, this isn't a good enough story. And that's. Stop doing that. If you're telling yourself, like, well, this isn't interesting enough because it's not a major event. It's not an adventure story. It doesn't have an amazing point to it. Just stop that. You don't have to be amazing. You just have to be enthusiastic. And you gotta find the stuff in your life that you're enthusiastic about and don't judge it. You're enthusiastic about a movie you just saw. Share about that movie. Oh, my God, dude, I just watched shit. I don't know. I haven't watched this movie in a long time. But first thing that came to my mind, this was from a little while back, but it was a new Mad Max movie. I was like, oh, my God, I just watched the new Mad Max movie. It was awesome. You tell them about it. Or I just read this new book. It was really cool. Or just the other day we had a friend over for dinner, and him and I were chatting for a little bit after the kids went to bed. And he's in a totally different business than I am, totally different industry. And he just asked me how my work was going, and I was like, oh, my God, I'm so excited about this. And I have this project that I'm working on, and I'm studying and practicing and learning, and I just, like, start telling him all about it. And he. Even the first thing I said to him, and he said, oh, cool. And he didn't say, great, tell me more. He just said, oh, cool. Now, in the past, I would have taken that as like, oh, he's not interested. Oh, I better stop talking about this. But we just want to share our enthusiasm. And the more I shared, the more he asked questions and the more engaged he became. And so let your enthusiasm show. Share your enthusiasm and let go. Whatever's stopping you from doing that. Because you think, here's one last thing I want to say about this before I break. You think that, okay, I don't want to show all that because they're going to reject me. Right? That's why we're holding back. They're not going to like it. They're not going to be interested. So then you don't do it. And then what's the result? Well, they don't really want to talk to you. They're not that engaged with you. They don't want to hang out with you again. And what's that? A rejection. Right. So, you know, we bring about what we're trying to avoid. So just let that go. Let yourself be the enthusia. Think back to when you were a little kid when you just got excited about something, you just had to tell someone about it. That's how you want to start sharing about anything in your life. How was your weekend? Oh, this happened. And it doesn't have to be all positive stuff. Maybe you're like, oh, my God, we had a gas leak at the house. It was terrible. Right? But you're enthusiastic about it. There's energy there. Even if it's like, oh, it was a big pain in the ass, or it's something you're really interested in. So share your enthusiasm. We're gonna take a quick break, and when we get back, we're gonna talk about some super specific details of how to be really engaging with other people. And I'm going to give you some very specific examples of, like, what you can say. And then we're going to get into some ninja tricks, super secret social tricks to make people love talking with you. So you're definitely going to stay tuned for the rest of this episode. We'll be right back right after this. Hey, it's Dr. Aziz, and I want to take a second to share something with you that is totally unique that I don't think anyone else out there is doing. And that is my live weekend intensives. This is a place that we can come together and make rapid progress and radically break through all this inner stuff that's stopping you, those fears, those self doubts, and also help you build real skills, whether it's conversation skills, how to deal with rejection and interact with people without being afraid, or how to approach women and interact with them and. And not in some weird pickup artist way, but in a really healthy, confident way and help you boost that sense of trust in yourself that you do know how to interact with people, you do know what to say. And these weekends are my favorite thing to do. They are life transforming. And we're doing three in 2016. We're doing the Supremely confident Conversation Master in March of 2016. Then in June, we're doing the ultimate confidence breakthrough, and which is all about activating massive power in yourself and eliminating any fears or doubts or shyness that might be stopping you from just fully showing up as a badass in your dating life, your work life, your social life. And then in beginning of October, we're doing the Unlimited Dating Confidence Bootcamp, which is going to be how to take all the confidence stuff I teach and apply it to starting conversations, overcoming that fear of approaching women, being able to flirt and create attraction. And then of course, getting numbers, getting dates, finding a girlfriend, whatever it is that you want to do. And all of that is done in a really authentic, powerful way. In fact, this week, last weekend is so valuable that I even encourage some of my clients and people who are in groups who are married to come to the Unlimited Dating Confidence Bootcamp. Because what they learn in there is about how to become a powerful, charged, attractive man. And that's valuable if you're single. It's also valuable if you're in a relationship. It can really turn things around. In fact, one guy that came to that weekend when he returned, he said, I've had the best sex with my wife since our honeymoon after that weekend. So incredibly powerful. This is the place to make huge progress. So if you want to make 2016 just supercharged, I highly recommend going to social confidencecenter.com it's the website. And then clicking on the events tab, you can get all the info. There are early bird specials to the events and I suggest getting or securing a spot for those. I keep them small on purpose so we can give people individualized attention so they will sell out. So go ahead and check out the list on the events page@socialconfidencecenter.com See what might be right for you. And I would love to get to know you more, to work together over a weekend and to help you radically transform your confidence. Welcome back. Okay, so secret number two. Way number two to become extremely interesting in conversations. You ready? Be engaged when the other person is talking. Be highly engaged when the other person is talking. The more engaged and interested you are in the other person and what they're saying, the more fascinating and interesting they're gonna find it to talk with you. And you might know this, you might have heard this. I know this is one of Dale Carnegie's big tricks and how to win friends and influence people is, you know, be very interested in them is sort of the summary of a good chunk of his book there. But what I found is often the problem, especially if you have any level of shyness or hesitation or social anxiety, is that we have a hard time showing our engagement and we don't know how to do it. So you might think like, okay, I should ask him questions or whatever, but what questions do I ask him? And there's way more to it. In fact, you can try to ask questions and seem like you're engaged, but if you're not very good at it, you won't get that across even if you are engaged. But we have to learn how to show it. So this is about being more expressive and here's what I mean. And I'll give a story to demonstrate this. And this all came out of the Mastermind group, which, by the way, if you want to learn more about it, we have a bunch of info about it@confidenceunleashednow.com go to confidenceunleashednow.com mastermind. We'll put a link down in the show notes. You can find out more about that program. We have about maybe three spots still open and then it's going to be totally closed for about Another six or seven months. So super valuable if you want to learn more about that. Anyway, here is what he was sharing. Basically he was sharing that he had a conversation with a woman and he was practicing, you know, steering away from the like, boring topics of conversation. Like, so where do you work? Mm. What do you do? Where do you live? Right. And just kind of the interview questions and like being more interesting, playful, asking what he really wants to ask. So he was doing well with that. That was kind of his challenge for the week. And he talked with a woman who started telling him this kind of funny story from her life. And here was the short version of the story. She said that she pretended when she was a little kid, she was five years old, and she pretended to faint to get out of going to school. And I guess she did this one time and her mom got really concerned and ended up taking her to the hospital where she did a blood test. And they found nothing wrong with her. And her mom was all worried. And so they got home and she confessed to her mom that she faked it and her mom was pissed. That's the essence of the story, right? And so as we dug in to see how he was listening to her because he found, like after the story, he didn't know what to say. And the conversation kind of petered out. And I was like, oh my God, you could talk with a person for like an hour about this. This is fascinating. And that's what you want to find, is you want to find the fascination in someone that you're talking to, and if you can't get fascinated in them, move on to someone else. There might just be no resonance there. But most people or a lot of instances, we can find something to be interested about. So the first way to show your engagement to the other person is you want to react as they're telling you stuff. You don't want to just sit there like a blank slate with no facial expressions, no movement, no sound. They're talking into an empty brick wall. That's, you know, you want to be engaged. So super basic, look at them in the eye. Second, super basic, nod your head a few times, make sounds, right? And if someone's telling you a story like this, it's kind of dramatic. She's like, yeah, you know, when I was a five year old kid, I used to pretend to faint, be like, what? I might just interject that what? As they're talking, not to interrupt them, but just to say, I'm reacting, right? And then she's like, yeah, you know, And Then my mom took me to the hospital, and I had to do a blood test. Oh, no. Yeah. And then she confessed, and then I confessed, and I told my mom the whole thing, that I faked it. And I said, oh, my God. So I'm like. I'm reacting to the drama of the story. You know, another example, someone's like. Like the example I used earlier. Like, yeah, we had a gas leak over the weekend. We all had to evacuate. Oh, no. Ah, sounds terrible, right? I'm just reacting. Or they tell you something really exciting, and you react to that. See how that feels like being on the receiving end of that? You feel engaged with, don't you? So that's what we want to do. We want to let ourselves react. Now, everyone has their own style. You got to be you. But I know that there is a. That being totally silent and, like, stone frozen is not your style. That might be a pattern that you picked up out of fear or social anxiety or something at some point, but that's not who you are. So you want to free who you are and find your style. My style is to sometimes make these funny. What? Or whatever. I don't know. Influenced by the Simpsons or something. But you got to find your style, whatever it is for you. But you have to be engaged. You have to show your reactions. Then when she's telling the story, you want to find things you can ask them about. So in that story, here are the elements. She's five years old. She pretended to faint to get out of going to school. The mom took her to the hospital. She got a blood test. She confessed when they got home. Mom was upset. Now, what could you ask the person? Where could you go with this? What are you most drawn to? What's the thing that's most interesting to you? What are some of the questions that come to your mind? Just notice what comes to your mind. If you're waiting passively for me to tell you, you're not gonna learn as much as if you kind of fire off your own brain and start to build the wiring in your head that says, like, oh, this is how I'm gonna generate stuff fast in conversations. This building, this muscle is how you become extremely confident in conversations and how you become a conversation master. That's why at my event, Supremely Confident Conversation Master, which happens in the spring each year, we practice this stuff. We do a bunch of exercises. So you build a muscle like crazy. And we have people that leave there saying, they come in thinking, I never know what to say. I run out of things. To say. And they leave realizing, like, oh, my God, I have. I always have something to say because we build the heck out of that muscle. So that's what we're doing right now. So here are some questions that come. That I came. That came to my mind when I was listening to this story. First of all, how did she pretend to faint? What, did she just fall over? Why did she choose fainting as her way to get out of school? Why didn't you want to go to school in the first place? Like, that's intense. What was it like to be at the hospital? What happened when you confessed? You said your mom was pissed. Like, what did she do? Those are some of the things I'd be curious about. So maybe you had those. Maybe you had other things. That's fine. There's no right thing here. The right thing is to be engaged in the story, to be there with them and to follow your own curiosity. Don't look for, like, what's the thing that she wants me to ask her about? If you're doing that, you're trying to please the other person to get them to like you, let that go. What are you most interested in? Because that's gonna create the most energy and engagement in the conversation because you're not faking it. Then. And there's a way to take these questions that I just came up with you and put them on steroids. How to become way more engaging, dynamic, and charismatic. So not only do they feel like you're engaged with them, but they love talking with you. You make them laugh. You make them feel great. And these are what I call my ninja tricks. Super secret ninja tricks. So stay tuned. We're gonna take a quick break, and then we're gonna get back into those ninja tricks.

Enter.

Hi, my name is Albert. It's. It's so good to meet you.

Stop wasting my time and state your interrogative.

Well, I heard that you can help anyone. Have confidence, no matter how nerdy. People say you're the best. They call you the nerd king.

Ask your question, noob.

Okay, okay. There's this girl in my school, and she's so beautiful and popular, and she's a cheerleader. And I don't think she even knows I exist. I'm too nerdy. I have these big glasses. I'm too skinny.

For the love of Darth Sidious, what is your question?

Okay, okay. Well, how do I get her to go out with me? Hmm?

Analyzing situation, Looking for potential solution. Nope, not possible. What an attractive, popular cheerleader cons too high for your current level, your experience points are too low, you don't know how to cast attraction spells, and your armor is woefully inadequate. It's probably leather, but.

But I. I.

You don't even have a Charisma plus two ring.

I know, I know. So is it hopeless?

Not entirely, my new friend. There is a way. But it will take great effort on your part. It takes courage as well. You must quest to the northernmost regions of this land beyond the wall, and. And there you will find a man by the name of Dr. Aziz. He and only he, will instruct you in the ways of gaining the confidence you need to attract this most desirable Orion slave girl, this voluptuous leader of Cheers.

Wow. Thanks, nerd king.

Of course, you're thankful. Now begone. If you'll excuse me, I have a WoW raid in five minutes. Then I must prepare the orcs. Do not tolerate tardiness.

If you want to learn how to truly build your confidence in the area of dating relationships, to like who you are, to know that you have something to offer, and to ultimately be the selector so you can choose the women that you're most drawn to to be dates, your girlfriend, maybe even your wife. Go to 30daystodatingmastery.com today to get started and find out exactly how to do this. That's 30 days to dating mastery.com. hey, welcome back. So let's talk about how to become even more engaging, dynamic, and charismatic. Okay, so remember those questions that we came up with, those things that you wanted to ask the person? Here's a few tricks. If someone is telling you something, it's okay to interrupt them. If you're engaged in what they're talking about and you're adding to them sharing, right? So if someone's saying, yeah, when I was five years old, I pretended to faint to get out of the school. And you say, hey, what did you have for dinner last night? And you interrupt them with something that's totally unrelated. They're going to be kind of like, what the fuck? You know, that doesn't feel good. And it's okay to do that if you're extremely bored and you don't want to hear the story. That's a whole other topic about how to be more assertive. But, you know, let's say you're trying to be engaged with them, but we sometimes think it's not okay to interrupt. But actually interrupting can be extremely engaging and you can add to their story. So here's what I might do. She says, yeah, I was you know, when I was. Funny story. When I was five, I actually used to pretend to faint to get out of going to school. And. And right there I'd say, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You used to, like, pretend to faint? So now I'm interrupting, but I'm building on the story, right? I'm like, I'm dramatically reacting. And then this is where you can start using these ninja tricks. And ninja trick number one is you comment on the question that you just asked in kind of a humorous way or a teasing way. So let me demonstrate. You know, that's kind of a abstract thing. Let me make it really tangible and simple to get so you can start using it right away. So I used to faint, pretend to faint when I was five years old. I'd say, what? Wait, wait, wait. Used to pretend to faint? And then I'd say, like, why did you pick that? That's like, the hardest thing to. To pick, right? So I'm commenting on that. She chose to faint. Like, whoa, you used to faint. That's, like, the hardest thing. Why would you do that? Like that? Seriously, that suggests a serious problem. That's not like, oh, I'm sick and I need to stay home because I have a sore throat. You know, don't take me to the doctor. You're fainting. That means you got, like, a brain tumor or something, right? So I'm adding all that. And what am I doing? I'm making jokes. I'm being funny, I'm being playful. I'm just saying what comes to my mind. And it's totally about the story that she's talking about. So it's still very engaged with that topic, right? So that's a ninja trick, because you comment on the question that you're asking, right? So another example of that. I'm curious. Wait, let me ask you something. How exactly did you pretend to faint? Because have you ever seen someone actually faint? So now we're doing a little bit of a tangent. And I talk about this a lot at the Weekend Intensive, but this is called an open loop. So now we're still talking about the story, but we're kind of going into, like, a little bit of a tangent, but it's still related. And it actually creates very engaging conversations to be able to do this. But anyway, I'd say, have you ever seen anyone faint? And she might say yes, she might say no. And I'd say, well, I've only seen that happen once, and it was my brother. And when someone faints, like, he fell hard. He fell like A ton of bricks. And so when you're saying this like 5 year old version of you, did you actually do it like that or did you kind of like obviously fall over in sort of like a graceful way so you didn't hurt yourself? You know, And I'm kind of commenting on the question I asked, which is, so how did you pretend to faint? Is this making sense? So you ask the question and then you make some comment about it and it creates this engagement. And if you're wondering what kind of comment do I make? Whatever, whatever. I'm telling a story about my brother fainting. I'm saying it suggests a serious problem, like a brain tumor. Like, I'm just making. I'm just saying whatever comes to my mind. And you can do this too when you give yourself permission to. So that's super powerful. Ninja trick number one. Now another ninja trick is when you ask your question. And by the way, I said, you know how I said you could interrupt to ask the questions. You don't have to. She could tell the whole story and then at the end you say, whoa. Like, you know, then ask your question. But this just to let you know there's an option that you can't interrupt. But regardless of when you're asking this question, another thing to do that makes you super engaging is to use absurd scenarios. And if you want to get better at this, and I'm actually going to, I'll do a whole more probably a whole other podcast on how to be funnier. But first of all, watch shows like, I'm a huge fan of the Simpsons. I watched a ton of Family Guy. I don't really watch it anymore. Maybe it's still going on, I don't know. But that kind of thing, they're masters of absurd. It's called absurdism. It's just creating scenarios that are so ridiculous that you just laugh. Like so unlikely, so unrealistic. So an example to make a scenario absurd would be like you ask the question like, so why did you not. Okay, there's two that come to my mind right now. One is like, well, why did you not want to go to school? Right? That's an ordinary question. Then you could say like, were you having a fight with your boyfriend? Remember, she's five years old. That's absurd, right? Why would a five year a. Why would a five year old really have like a real boyfriend when they have this dramatic fight or something? So it's kind of funny because you create a scenario in the person's mind of this five year old who's having a fight with her boyfriend. It's absurd. Another absurd thing would be like, wait, hold on a second. I'm curious. How did you pretend to faint? Like, as a five year old, did you know what fainting looked like? Or would you do something like this? And then I would do like the kind of dramatic, like, you know, kind of movie cinema woman from the Wild west faints like, oh, my stars. And she puts her like back of her hand against her forehead and kind of like falls down. So I'm creating this absurd imagery and I'm also using my body, which is a whole other thing that we could talk about. But I am creating this absurd scenario of her fainting in this dramatic fashion. Do you see how when you do that, it becomes way more fun to talk with you. You're way more engaging. People don't know what you're gonna say next. And you don't know what you're gonna say next. This just comes out of you and it's a lot more fun. So that brings us to our action step.

Time for action.

So your action step for today is to have a lot more fun in conversations. Let them be more engaging and fun and interesting. So remember, the three points are share your enthusiasm so you can practice that this week. Be engaged with them and really show your engagement. And then three is some of these ninja tricks. So you can practice these as well. And if you want to, you know, if you kind of get it, but you don't fully get how to use it. Listen to the second half of this episode again, because you know, repetition is the mother of skill. So you will get it by. You listen to it again, you listen to the examples again, you really stay engaged. You'll be able to use it in your life. And that's what I want to encourage you to do this week for your action step. Practice this stuff and just let yourself have more fun. Say those things that you want to say. You know, ask a question and paint a silly or absurd scenario. And you'd be surprised. This doesn't just have to be in a crazy setting like a bar. You could do this at work. I mean, when I worked in a larger clinic and had a lot of co workers, and I didn't just work alone in my office, but even now with clients, I do it, or prospective clients, I make people laugh, I'm funny. I do these engaging techniques because A, I have a way better time and B, people tend to like you more. So try using it at work with your friends, people you're interested in dating? Just experiment more. Give yourself permission and give yourself permission to mess up. You know, we did an episode not too long ago about the fear of messing up and letting yourself mess up as you learn, man. So just do that, give yourself permission, have more fun and let me know how it goes. Go to SocialConfidenceCenter.com I mean Facebook.com SocialConfidence or Good Point. You can go to SocialConfidenceCenter.com and get a free ebook there called Five Steps to Unleash youh Inner Confidence, which is super powerful. It's the five steps that I used to transform my confidence level from just I don't want to say loser because I'm not going to judge myself like that, but thinking I was a loser, feeling like a loser, not having the things I wanted in my life, to being way more comfortable, confident, outgoing, fun, funny, having an amazing relationship and doing what I want to do in the world. So tons of confidence for all that stuff. Check it out socialconfidencecenter.com and just enter your email there. And they also follow that up with a video training series. So tons of good stuff and enjoy that until we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. We'll talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Azeez. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.