Too Nice To Break Up

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you, I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about breaking up. And it is my goal, my intention, my hope that some of you listening by the end of this episode, take action. End a romantic relationship. Now, while that might not sound great or uplifting, sometimes in life it's essential. And if as you're listening to me, your ears are perking up, you're wondering if that is that me, should I be doing that? Or maybe you feel some fear or resistance or nervousness arising, then that's really good. This is gonna be a life changing episode for you. And maybe you're not in a relationship right now, or you're in a great relationship right now still. Listen, because what we're gonna be talking about at the core of it is niceness, is some of the challenges or problems that come from being overly nice and how that affects you in relationships, particularly in ending relationships. So even though we're gonna be focusing on romantic relationships in this episode, there's. This also applies to business relationships, employee employer relationships, subcontractor relationships, any sort of connection that you have where you might need to assess if you want to keep going or if you want to end it. And what I found in myself and a lot of clients that I work with, you know, sometimes when I'm working with clients, it's like looking back in time and I'll be seeing myself from like five or ten years earlier. And it's like I live through that exact same thing. I understand the mentality, and my goal is just to try to move them along a little bit faster, to be able to grow in the ways that I have, maybe a little faster than I did. And in those mindsets, when we're nice, we're in the nice person frame. I'm going to talk more about that in this episode. We have a hard time accurately assessing whether we should stay or whether we should go. We don't trust ourselves. We look to others to see if it's okay. We don't even have an accurate read on what's good treatment or what's right for us or what we want. And so we're going to be tackling all of that in today's episode. If you're enjoying the show, you can go to Shrink for the shy guy shrinkforthshyguy.com to get more information about the show, about me. You can also get get access to my ebook there five Steps to Unleash youh Inner Confidence. If you haven't done that, highly recommend it because that book contains some key ideas distilled down in a very digestible form. And you can also go to itunes where you listen to this show if you're listening on itunes and give it a five star review or whatever you think it deserves. I mean, probably five stars, right? Anyway, let's dig in. So the reason I want to record this episode is because I'm talking to several clients right now. One's a one on one client, one's in my group program who are struggling in relationships. Now, one is married and one is in a very different situation younger, not that same level of commitment. And still both of them are tormented. And this is not the first time I've heard this again and again I'll hear situations where people are in relationships that from the outside aren't great and they haven't been great for months or years. Now what do I mean by not great? Well, and I'm gonna leave out a lot of details from these clients. I don't want to preserve their confidentiality. So I'm actually gonna mix multiple stories together. But you'll get the gist of it. One story is a young man who's in his 20s and he didn't have confidence for a lot of his younger years. And so he didn't really date a lot. And then he worked on his confidence and then started to be able to approach women, begin dating and found a woman that he clicked with. Well, started to connect more, started to date more, started to spend more time together, ended up sleeping together and decided to be in a relationship together and fell in love. And as they connected, as they joined, what happens for him and for her and for anyone is our attachment system fires off. Now, your attachment system is how you bond with others. And once we start to bond with others, we lose perspective. We don't necessarily see clearly. And so we might not see things about that person or about that relationship that aren't the best fit, you know, but no, hey, I'm already bonded. So once we get bonded to someone, and I'm sure you've experienced this, you stop being able to accurately assess whether this is right for you or not. And it can be very confusing. And even just the thought of maybe this isn't right for me can produce dreadful feelings of fear, anxiety, lost confusion. How could I survive without this person? And that's also a sign of needing to develop your perspective, your attachment, be able to work with that party that wants to cling and, and still have another perspective that can analyze. Is this right for me? Is this best for me? Does this serve me? So this young man is in this relationship, and pretty early on, there starts to be some challenges that arise. And one of those challenges is they can't really talk about anything. That's a challenge in the relationship. Now, any relationship you're in, you need to be able to talk about what's going, what you like, but also what you don't like, things that you want to change, things that you want more of or less of. What you want, what you don't want. You need to be able to talk about those things. And you got to assess, like, can my partner talk about these things with me? And if they can't, that's a red flag. So what I mean by they can't is they don't want to, they don't see the value in that, or they get very defensive every time you try to talk about it and flip it on you. So one example is he's with his girlfriend. She's over at his house, they schedule it to come hang out together, and then she's there and he wants to hang out, do something, whatever, talk. And she's on the bed just scrolling through her phone, looking at Facebook and other social media stuff. And he tries to engage with her and she's kind of like, meh. Goes back to the phone. And inside he's kind of like, well, wait a minute, why are we hanging out? Why? You could just do this at your house. But he doesn't say that he wants her to put the phone down and to interact with him. He doesn't say that. Why? Too nice. So on the one hand, he's too nice in a lot of situations. On the other hand, she maybe is not expressive about if she's upset about something or wants alone time or whatever. And so through work in the Mastermind program, we help him start to be able to speak up more, say like, hey, I noticed you're on your phone. I love to have time to interact with each other. Is that something you want right now? What's going on? And as he started to bring things up like that, little things, big things, what he consistently was met with was like, ah, I don't want to talk about this. Well, I don't know. Well, you did that. Or this, like kind of defensive, not really looking at the underlying issue, just wanting to criticize on a more superficial level. And so he became more and more frustrated. And I'm not going to get into all the details, but it progressed to where there would be periods of her kind of withdrawing and being out of contact for long periods of time. And so not only was he not able to connect deeply, there was also like a lot of not that responsiveness to even just basic contact. And he suffered so much over this. And pretty much anyone who heard about the scenario is like, yeah, you should probably just end it. You know, that's what he gets from a lot of people in the group. And you know, but we're, I, my perspective is, yeah, that's probably true. But what is going on in him that he, that he does not want to? And what is going on that he, you know, might have difficulties expressing his desires and his needs so we can learn and grow from it? Because he might just bring this pattern to the next relationship. But what amazes me is this attachment where it's like, I am confused. I don't know what's right for me. I don't know if I should or if I shouldn't. I mean, it feels good and I hate to let it go. I think that's the biggest obstacle for us to ending relationships is we just don't want to let go. But here's the thing. Nothing is all bad all the time, right? I mean, no relationship is like, well, every time we hang out it's just terrible and the person's critical and it's awful and there's nothing redeeming about it. If that were the case, anyone would break up no matter how low their self esteem. But the issue is that it's good some of the time and then it's bad or it was good and I remember that and that felt good. And now it's not so good. We fight a lot more or he's really critical or abusive, but now he's real sweet to me. Right? That's sort of the classic abusive relationship pattern. So it's confusing because there is good stuff and we don't want to let go of the good stuff. And we don't want to let go of attachment because on some level, we're like, I don't care who I'm attached to as long as it's somebody. Because to be not attached feels too scary. So. And yet we have to be willing to let go because you're not going to open up the space for something better while you're holding on to that other thing. And it's like holding onto a piece of driftwood in the ocean and saying, well, if I let go of the driftwood, I'm going to drown. But actually, if you let go of the driftwood, you're going to swim to an awesome yacht or a beautiful tropical island. There's something better out there. We just have to let go. And we don't want to let go. We want the certainty. Well, I don't want to let go until I see that other thing. Well, you got to let go in order to see that other thing. And when I talk to people, and I've talked to so many people about this kind of scenario, and it might just be not just dating, but even other scenarios, should I let go of this employee or whatever? And deep down, people know, they might say, I'm so confused. I don't know. I don't know. Here's the pros and cons. I lean one way and then I lean the other. I don't know. And that's like this big smokescreen delay tactic is what I found. Because we don't want to ask the hard questions, and we certainly don't want to act on those questions, those answers quickly. And so people move like molasses. And people stay in relationships for months or years longer than they should, longer than they want to, longer than is optimal, because they don't want to ask the hard questions. And I remember I was dating this woman and really struggling with it because I. I was extremely drawn to her. At first. She rebuffed me, didn't want anything, didn't seem like she was interested in me. And I sort of won her over by pursuing her. And she was very beautiful. And I don't know something about it. It was not just physical appearance. She was very physically beautiful, but also something about her energy was very magnetic to me, very appealing. And at the same time, from literally the first date, there was just a lot of friction, a lot of ways we didn't get along, a lot of ways. Her communication style was very hard for me to work with, and yet I pursued like a moth to the flame. And I remember, literally after, like, the second or third date, I had these several experiences that were like, if I had any, if I wasn't so sucked in, looking back, I'm like, whoa, those are huge red flags. But I, you know, pursued like crazy. And sure enough, three months in, I'm just a wreck. My stomach's hurting all the time. I have a ball of tension in my solar plexus. I want out. But I can't imagine living without her after three months. And so we had already tried breaking up once or twice. And then I would come back and, oh, I'm so messed up. It's my fault. Anyway, I'm talking to a friend who is actually a psychologist as well. And he said, alright, Aziz, I have two questions. These are key questions about a romantic relationship. One is, does she get you? And you know, that's not just for she. Does he get you? Does this other person get you? Really get you? Really understand you, what you're about, what you value, what you really care about most in life? Do they get you? Second question, do they bring out the best in you? Do they get you and do they bring out the best in you? And I remember we were biking home from work that day when he asked me those questions. And I immediately knew the answer to both of those was no. Didn't get me, didn't bring out, certainly didn't bring the best out in me. And yet I stayed in that relationship for about three more months. Why? I don't know. I needed several more rounds in the marriage times around the merry go round. And maybe you do too if you're in a situation. So I have some people get impatient with others, and some part of me might get impatient, but for the most part, I come back to a place of a lot of patience with people because I just remember my own life, my own experience. Sometimes we gotta go around again and again and again and then eventually it clicks and we're like, whoa, whoa, no more. Thank you. I'm a little dizzy. I feel a little sick and nauseous. I don't want to go around again. And so we want to look at those questions. We want to look at the situation. And here's the thing. Has it gotten better? You want to analyze that. Has it gotten better over X period of time? Because we live in this fantasy world of like, well, it's going to get better somehow. Has it gotten better now? If you guys are having great communication and you're working through issues and you're both growing like crazy, then sure, maybe it is. But what I find Is often the case is, and usually I'm talking to the person who's growth oriented because they're talking to me, right? And I'm doing coaching and training around confidence, all this stuff. So they're into that. And the person that they're dating is not growth oriented typically. And so what happens is they're hoping they have this fantasy that the other person's going to somehow click into growth mode, but they're not. People rarely do unless it's of their own volition. It's an internal motivator to do it. So are they in growth mode? Are they a growth oriented person? Do they read books? Do they learn things? Do they apply what they learn? And if the answer is no, then why would that be different six months from now or a year from now? And it's especially pay attention if you try to bring that stuff up and they're not like, oh yeah, totally, give me the book, I'll read it. They're like resistant, defensive, fighting you on it. Then it's especially obvious that why would anything be different in six months or a year? And then you want to ask yourself the question, if this person didn't change at all and our dynamic didn't change at all in a year, a year from today, that you're listening, that you're analyzing this in your life, would that be okay with me? Would I be happy with that? And if your answer is a no, pay attention to that. You want to ask yourself these hard questions because here's the thing, here's how most people are in relationships. And it's a classic tale. You might have heard this before. I heard it from Les Brown. He's walking down the street, sees, actually hears the sound of a yelping, moaning dog. And he gets closer to a house and sees that it's coming from this dog, sure enough, laying on a porch, and it's moaning and moaning. And there's an old man on a rocking chair sitting next to the dog. And. And Les asks him, what's wrong with your dog? The guy says, oh yeah, he does that. He's laying on a nail. And Les says, well, why doesn't he get up and move? The old man says, well, doesn't hurt that bad. And that's how most of us are in relationships that aren't working. You know, there's a nail in there. There's those fights, the conflict, the lack of closeness, the lack of intimacy or sex. Person doesn't get you or is critical of you, and you continually feel bad about yourself. And again, not 100% of the time, but maybe 30% of the time or 20% of the time, but that's enough, right? If it's really bad, maybe 50% of the time, I don't know what it is in your situation or a situation that you were in the past, if you're reflecting on this stuff. But there's that nail. And to get up and move, we're scared, we don't wanna. And so we moan. And whether it's to other people or to ourselves, and then we live in a fantasy of somehow it's gonna get better. And here's the thing, oftentimes it won't. The only times I've seen things change, especially if the other person is not growth oriented, is when the person that is growth oriented, that's you, becomes radically different in the relationship. Not like, okay, I brought up this topic to talk about with them, but like, I am changing big time. And this is what I often encourage clients to do, is we come up with a game plan. Usually it's a 30 day or a 90 day. Depends on them and where they're at and the length of the relationship. If it's a shorter relationship, we do 30 days. If it's a long marriage of many years, we do 60 or 90 days. But still it's not that long in the big scheme of things of like, here's the battle plan, here's how we're going to show up radically different. You know, if we tend to avoid difficult conversations about sex or about whether we want kids or not or whatever, we're going to go have those conversations in the next two to three weeks and then more conversations after that. And, you know, if I tend to be passive, I'm gonna show up fully assertive. And they have to grow like crazy over those 30, 60, 90 days. And that's the point. Because you wanna know. Because sometimes that's the question. It's like, oh, is it me? Should I be different? Should I somehow be better or different? It's like, well, just show up fully, show up powerfully, show up boldly, show up 100%, and then you're gonna find out. And if that person freaks out on you and resists you and fights you and criticizes you, then you got even further evidence that it's not the right fit. But if that starts to shift things, and I have seen that happen, then hallelujah. Right? You know, maybe you got some growth going in the right direction, but what you don't want to do is stay in that no man's land of like maybe it'll get better. I don't want to get off the nail. I don't like it. But hey, I don't want to lose attachment. This is all I can get. And if you have some BS story that this is all you can get, this is the best you can hope for, shed that right now. Let that go. The truth is you are the creator of your life and your destiny and you can build your social confidence, your self esteem to be able to go out there, put yourself out there and connect with someone new who's a better fit, even if you've never done that before in your life. And I can teach you how to do that. That's one of the things that I do. So check out socialconfidencecenter.com I have programs about that. We have live event entirely about that, dating and relationship mastery. So don't let some story be the. And look, I'm not the only person teaching that. There are thousands of people out there that can teach you how to more boldly put yourself out there. So it's not a matter of if you can or not. It's just a matter of are you willing to do what it takes. And here's one final thought about this. And I could talk about this for five hours, but we're going to keep this to a normal length podcast, which is most people can do okay in a relationship that's not great. You do okay. And most people can do okay in a job that's not that great. You just sort of get by. And that's how most people are living. You're just getting by, you know, you don't like your job, you live for the weekend, relationship's not great. Well, hang out with my friends and I sort of make it the best that I can, focus on my work. And hey, you know, life's not about having everything great anyway. But it is, right? Like if you step up boldly, then you're rewarded in life. And for me, I want a relationship just like every. I want every area of my life to thrive. I want my health to thrive. I want my career, my business, my passion, my calling to thrive to grow. Me personally and in the world of business, I want it to all grow. I want it to thrive and flourish. I want my friendships to flourish, my relationships with my family to flourish. I want my romantic relationship to flourish. I want my relationship with team members and employees to thrive. I want my relationship with my kids to flourish and thrive. I want it all. And here's the thing. You can have it all, too. We can. It doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means I am going to invest and do what it takes and grow in every single one of these areas. And so they're going to keep getting better and better and better. And so you can get by and just sort of survive. But wouldn't you rather thrive? And in order to thrive in anything, we have to grow. And that means we have to take risks. We have to let go of the old to be open to the new. So speaking of letting go, let's talk about action. Time for action. Action, action. Your action step for today. Ask yourself some of those tough questions. Does this person get me? Do they bring out the best in me? How growth oriented are they? Have they been demonstrating that they can grow? Or am I just living in a fantasy that somehow it's gonna be magically different? And if I were to show up, how can I show up radically different to bring about a change or know for sure that this is not a good fit? And this could be with an employee or someone else too, not just a romantic partner. So ask yourself those hard questions and then act on those answers. You can act on that answer tomorrow or in two months or in two years. And here's the thing, we're gonna end with this. I've worked with many people who have decided to end something, end a marriage, end a relationship. You know, they started that from a place of low confidence in themselves, or they weren't assertive, they didn't create what they wanted. And now it's five, seven years later, and it's not pretty and it's not recoverable, and they just need to move on. And so we help them have the confidence to do that and then help have the confidence to rebuild their life and create what they ultimately want. And a consistent pattern has emerged over the years that I've been doing this, which is when they get to the other side of it, during it can be painful, especially if it's a divorce. Really freaking painful at times. Some of them are not so intense. It's just ending a relationship that's not. Doesn't have all the nuance of a divorce, the complexity of a divorce, but still is emotionally wrenching to lose that attachment. And yet the consistent pattern that emerges is they grow. They grow like crazy through it. On the other side, they look back and they're like, holy shit, my life is so much better now. I have so much more freedom. I love, love, love my life. I love my friends. I love the person that I'm with when they get into a new relationship. Or I've worked with people that go dating multiple people and they're like, wow, I've never experienced this level of freedom and excitement and openness and connection with people. So that pain, that discomfort is temporary. And don't let patterns of fear, of niceness, of clinging, of not wanting to upset or hurt the other person. I don't want to feel guilty and hurt them by breaking. Just stay with them for two years or 20 years or forever. Like, don't let any of that stuff get in the way of you creating a life in which you thrive. Awesome. Thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon.

Thanks for listening to Shrink Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free vlogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.

Sam.