True Freedom From Anxiety

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about fear and how it stops you from. But maybe doesn't have to. Definitely doesn't have to. You can free yourself. And this little. It's like a new way of seeing things can just change everything for you. Because as long as you're holding certain perception of fear, you're kind of screwed. And when that changes, everything changes. And you get more courage, you get more ability to take action, which then leads to confidence. Because if you've listened to any other episodes of this show by now, you know that confidence is a byproduct of action. And if you didn't know that, well, now you know it. And you don't need to just take my word for it. Test it out in your own life, and you will discover the truth of that for your own experience. So we're going to look at how you can become more confident by doing the things that scare you, which automatically you might have a cringy reaction to it. I don't want to do that. I try to do that. That just sounds really painful, even if I could. But there's a whole new way to approach it. I'm gonna talk about some of the pitfalls, some of the things that you might have tried that didn't work, why it didn't work, and how to do it differently so you can truly be free. And speaking of being free, if you haven't heard about it, the tickets just went on sale. Super early bird tickets for my virtual event, last event of the year. It's called End Social Anxiety Now. And you are going to, man, practice so much in those three days with me and the group. Be inspired, have a profound inner shift that makes you want to go do things, put yourself out there and truly liberate yourself from the cage of social anxiety. So if you're interested in that, just go to my website, drazeez.com and click on Events. You'll be able to see all about the event and the timing and everything. It's in November. The event itself, November 1through3 of 2024. And also if you're on my email list, that's where you get access to the super early bird. So check that out. All right. How do you become more free right now? Well, a lot of people have the assumption slash perception, slash desire, which totally makes sense, that freedom means the absence of fear. Right? I'm so nervous. I just don't want to feel this fear. I just want to go talk to those people. I don't want to be all worried. I want to be able to share. I want to be able to, you know, connect with people. I want to just speak my mind. I want to be me. And I don't want to be afraid all the time. 100% natural, beautiful desire. And there is a pathway to that. It's just not what you think. Because what most people do when we feel afraid, same thing when we feel physical pain or hunger or anything else that's uncomfortable. When you're like, this sucks. I don't, I don't want to feel this. How do I get rid of it? Well, you know how to get rid of hunger, right? You eat something, you know how to get rid of fatigue, you sleep. No. What am I? This is America. You. Maybe you're somewhere else in the world, but if you're in America, you drink a super large energy drink. I mean, have you seen, have you ever stopped in like a 711 or a gas station and gone in and looked at what's there? I mean, back in the day, back in my day, a Red bull was like 8 ounces. I don't, I don't drink any of that crap. I just, My body does not need that much caffeine. I can have like 20 milligrams and some green tea and be riding high. So I'm pretty sensitive to that stuff. I don't want to get hooked on it. But man, you can get a easily, easily a 16 ounce. I mean, that's like the norm. Get through your little junior child's children's Red Bull. Great, great for ages 6 to 9. Really helps them focus in class and stay in their seats. Chugging some, some Red Bulls. And then you get your 16 ounce, get your monster energy, your rock star, whatever. And then, I mean, there's like 24 ounces, 32 ounces. Like, holy cow. So this is in. Back in the day, there's a joke about big gulps at 7 11America. And I was like, you know, 64 ounces of soda, and everyone's like, oh, my God, that's so cr. I don't know, dude. 32 ounces of an energy drink is like, like three times or four times as impactful as a frickin 64 ounce soda. And for my European friends, two liters, if you will. See, I'm worldly. All right? In any case, that was totally relevant and you definitely needed to pay attention there. But if you weren't paying attention, come on back. And when you're tired, you sleep, you get rid of the tired. So we think anxiety. I got anxiety, I'm afraid. How do I get rid of it? I don't know. I don't know. Massage my vagal nerve. I saw it on YouTube once, right? There's some strategies to kind of help, and I definitely help with clients with that problem as well. And there's kind of this paradox around emotion where we can't fix it in the same way we can something external or maybe something biomechanical with your body. You know, your foot hurts, you can put it up and ice it and it might feel better. With anxiety, you can't just get rid of it. And here is the big reveal number one of the episode. You ready? If you're still tuned out from the energy drink conversation, come back. Come back now. Okay, you hear with me. Key reveal number one. Trying to get rid of the anxiety before you do the thing that scares you will perpetuate your anxiety forever. Forever. Forever. That wasn't an echo effect. I added that myself. Pretty good, huh? This is a low, low production show here in any case. Hey, we have intro and outro music. How dare you? How dare you insult the production value of my show. Sometimes I get emails from people who are like, who is producing your show? Is you want a producer? I'm like, no, I don't want to spend money on that. I produce it just fine. Me and me and my assistant, we do just fine. See, you're listening. Wait, where are you going? Come back. I'll put more sound effects in. So when you try to get rid of the anxiety, it keeps it going. Why? What kind of sick, twisted game is this? Why are we built this way? Well, first of all, if you're a human, you're already kind of crazy. I mean, we're just like a crazy animal, aren't we? So don't take it personally. You're just crazy. I mean, nothing personal against you. I'm crazy? Too. Just look at us, man. Like this brilliant, insanely powerful, chaotic, disruptive species on the planet. Just like dominating the planet and terraforming everything and changing the atmosphere. It was like, what are we doing? I don't know. But we're gonna build robots that are better than us. Why? I don't know. Because we can and we're crazy. And there seems to be a way that we're designed that when we have whatever we resist emotionally, we get locked into. And so if you have anxiety and you're like, ah, I don't want, I gotta get rid of this anxiety, what do you become super absorbed with your anxiety and trying to get rid of it. And look, don't you don't take my word for it. You could test it out for yourself. You could look at what attempts have I tried to get rid of the anxiety, maybe try to numb it out. I'm gonna drink, I'm gonna smoke, I'm gonna watch something on YouTube. Fine, great. Maybe that works for a few minutes while you're watching, while you're smoking, while you're drinking. And then what happens? Well, it's probably a rebound anxiety. You put the phone down two hours later after doom scrolling, and how do you feel? Probably worse and more anxious. And oftentimes those things stop working. So you need to be like smoking the cigarette while drinking, while looking at your phone. It's called the trifecta. That's your pathway to enlightenment right there in the modern era. So now I need to do more to try to get rid of the feeling. Or maybe you try to ignore the anxiety. Just ignore it. You focus on other things and it's kind of there in the background. I call this operating on top of. And that's really unpleasant. You could be kind of tense or stressed and then something else happens and you sort of freak out inside or get angry and irritable. And here's the biggest kicker, biggest problem with this, we believe, at least I did for many years. And you might, many people believe that if I'm anxious or if I'm afraid, that means I can't do the thing. I'm too scared. Have you ever said that? That's too scary for me. There's no way in hell I do that. And that could be, you know, kind of a fright. You're, you're fearful when you say, like, oh man, there's no way that sounds so scary. Or it turns into flips into anger. Like, I'd never do that. Like almost. How dare you even suggest that. And you got this edge in your voice, like, F you for even suggesting that I do that thing. You don't understand. Well, it's the same thing. It's the fight flight system. The threat system is, you know, off the radar. Is that a thing off the chart? That's what we're talking about here. We'd edit that out, but, hey, low production show. Off the radar. It's my new phrase. In any case, now the anxiety is more intensified because you're fighting it and you believe that you can't do the thing. So what's the secret? How do we really shift this and free ourselves of anxiety? Well, let's try this. I want you to look around wherever you are, and pick up an object in your car. You know, just pick up a. Pick up your phone, but don't look at it. Don't look at it. We all. No one does that when they drive, right? How dare you? Maybe just a pen. Your sunglasses. You're at your desk. Pick up a notebook. Doesn't matter. Something you can hold in one hand. All right, you got it. Do this with me. Come on. It's a little visual metaphor. It's gonna help you. Okay. You got your object in hand. I'm holding my AirPods case. I have a sponsorship deal with Apple where I pay them lots of money for their products, and then I received their products. Pretty sweet deal. Alrighty. You got the object in your hand. Now I want you to grip that object really tight and put it right in front of your face, right in front of your eyes, and just say, go away. Go away. But hold it really tight, right in front of your face. And now turn your head and keep holding that object. So no matter where you look, all you see is your fist in front of your face with that object. Okay? That's what it's like when you're absorbed and you need to get rid of anxiety. And of course, you can't go talk to that person because all you see is your freaking hand in your face. All you see is the anxiety. Everything is filtered through anxiety, which is about protection. And I'm under threat. So now the conversation is a proving ground. Or can I get through it safely? Can I just survive it? All that stuff does not lead to connection, does not lead to dates, does not lead to confidence, does not lead to the life that you want. It sucks. So what we do, I want you to imagine taking your hand and just gently bringing. Put the hand down. Keep holding the object, but bring your hand down. So it's about out to your side. A little bit. And you're just holding the object lightly in your hand. And now while the object is down in your left or right hand, not in front of your face, I want you to look around the room. What can you see? A whole lot more. A whole lot. You know, can you walk somewhere? I don't know. If you're driving, you can't do this. But if you're not driving, can you walk a few steps around the room or wherever you are while holding this object? That is what it's like to allow the anxiety to be there. You're not ignoring it. You're not saying, there's nothing in my hand. There's nothing in my hand. Oh, don't know. I hope there's nothing in my hand. Right. That's still. You're still freaked out and frightened of the anxiety, trying to get rid of it still by pretending it's not there? No, it's. Yeah, I'm anxious right there. There it is. And what else is happening? What else can I see? What else can I notice? What else is happening beyond this? And then you take a step in the direction of what you value in life. You take actions based upon what's important to you in life. This is the underpinning of whole modality of therapy and sort of change philosophy called acceptance and commitment therapy. If you're interested in that. You could. You could check it out, something. Harris is his name. He's got some books on. On Amazon and Audible. The Confidence Gap is one of them. But it's all introduction to acceptance and commitment therapy and how to use that. I think it's a powerful modality, but really that's what they're teaching people to do, is to allow it to be. And then take an action and you create this space and you realize, oh, the anxiety doesn't mean that I can't do it. And that is the game. And you play the game at all levels. And so the first book I wrote. I wrote, the Solution to Social Anxiety, was about, how do you apply that to having social anxiety? Well, I can't go talk to that person. Why I can't go approach that woman. Why I can't speak up in this group. Why? Because I'm scary, man. Anxious, terrible. I don't. Well, it might. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to say. Okay. Are you afraid? Yes. I'm also very afraid. Right, so you're afraid if you. You could go into that conversation and not know what to say, and. And it would be Just fine if the fear wasn't there, right? You're like, yeah, that's what I've been telling you, man. Just got to get rid of this darn fear. I've been trying to do that, oh, I don't know, 20 years. Okay, well, maybe the 21st is the magic year. Or maybe it's, I'm nervous, I'm anxious, and let's go talk to that person. And if your reaction is like an angry, indignant, how dare you. You don't understand how anxious I get. That's not just stupid advice. I get that from sometimes on the Internet responses to me, oh, it's great. And then tone it down, man. You don't need to go do the thing that freaks you out and gives you panic. Can you turn the knob down a little bit? I also teach something in the solution of social anxiety called imaginal exposure. You can just imagine yourself doing it and work through the fear. That way. It's much safer, much more contained, seeing yourself interacting, that person, allowing yourself to feel all the fear beforehand. Or if walking over and talking to a group of people you don't know just freaks you out, how about saying hi to someone as you walk down the street to a stranger and just walking on? They call it friendly greetings. Usually you can find something that's not that intense and you practice it. And you're still afraid, though. So you're basically saying, hey, look, I can do this even though I'm afraid and it's okay. It really is. I don't need to get rid of it in any way. But you're like, yeah, but it's uncomfortable, man. Ah, can you let it be there even though it's uncomfortable? Can you increase your discomfort tolerance? Can you increase your capacity to be with discomfort without needing to fix it or get rid of it? Because that is an extraordinary muscle or skill or ability that can be cultivated and strengthened to allow discomfort. And not only will it help you go create the life that you want, even though you have a little bit of anxiety or a lot of anxiety, it also is the pathway to having a healthy body. Because if you ate whatever you wanted every time you were hungry, that's kind of what many people are doing. And it's leading to large amounts of health problems. So we have to be able to sometimes be a little hungry. Sometimes eat something that's not the most, like, you know, cracked out with artificial flavors and sweeteners and oils, deep fried and salt. And it's like, yeah, this food is okay. It's Healthy tastes. It's, you know, if you eat some broccoli or other food that's not deep fried at first, it might be like this. And some people, like, I'd rather die. Gonna, you know, eat bacon until I die. And people do, right? So there's some willingness to be uncomfortable. You want to focus on a project at work, you want to create a business. You want to do anything of substance in your career. It involves periods of being uncomfortable and doing the uncomfortable things again and again and again and again. So this is a ultimate life skill to allow it. And that doesn't mean that you have to focus all this energy on trying to get rid of it. Right? That's not allowing it. I know I'm repeating myself here, but I have to repeat it so many times because we just. There's this default, but how do I. I mean, okay, cool, cool. But how do I get rid of it? Right? It says, yeah, I get it. It's uncomfortable. So you don't need to get rid of wanting to get rid of it. Does that make sense? I know that was. Kind of sounds like I'm saying some sort of iterative mumbo jumbo, but there's the anxiety, right? That's how I feel. And how do I feel about how I feel? Well, I want to get rid of it. Okay. And then some people are like, oh, I shouldn't want to get rid of it. I should want to accept it. No, no, of course you want to get rid of it. It's freaking uncomfortable. Right? Of course. When you're hungry, you want to eat. It's that you just don't. You allow that too? Oh, yeah, I'm hungry and I want to eat. Okay. Of course. Oh, I want to get rid of this anxiety. It's uncomfortable. Yeah, of course. Of course you do. And here it is. Can I allow it? How willing can I be to just let it be here? And then here's where the beautiful paradox comes in, is when you let it be there and you go do the thing, the action. Now the little voice in your head says, it's never gonna work. It's never gonna work. That's what creates all the anxiety anyway, right? It's gonna go so badly, they're gonna reject you. We go test it out. That's the bold action piece. We talk a lot about that on the show. Okay, I'm gonna go talk to those people. Okay. I'm gonna. You know, and maybe it's starting with, hey, I'm gonna go say hi to that stranger as a Friendly greeting exercise, right? It doesn't matter where you start. Start wherever you are. I've worked with some clients where the first thing we're doing is having them call, like a store, a Best Buy, or a restaurant to say, what are your hours today? Great, thanks. And you hang up. Or do you have this item in stock? Right. There's no. No starting place is wrong or bad or shameful. It's just, hey, wherever you are where you can do that and that voice in your head says, don't do it. It's gonna be awful. And you're like, yep, here we go, here we go, here we go, here we go, here we go. And you train yourself. Sounds like a Black Eyed Peas pump up. Here we go, here we go. Okay. Yeah. You getting pumped? I'm getting pumped. And then. And then this becomes something that you can cultivate to create even greater levels of confidence. Which led to my second book, the Art of Extraordinary Confidence. Because I realized in my life, like, hey, this process doesn't just get you out of the cage of social anxiety. This process creates better and better results in your life and love and connection and wealth and freedom and career. I defy the voice of doubt, and I let fear be there as I do it. And I get better at allowing fear without freaking out about having it or making it shameful that I have it or I can't. This is so intolerable. And it's amazing when you truly allow a feeling how okay it can be. And this is true for physical pain, too. And look, I get it. It's not easy. The higher the pain, the higher the anxiety, the more every fiber of your being wants to get rid of it. But guess what? It's not your being. It's your mind. It's the thoughts that say, I can't handle this. I can't handle this. I can't. We get into kind of a frenzy, and it's not true at all. You are so much more powerful than you think, than you realize. You absolutely can allow whatever's there and then take the next bold step. So, speaking of action, let's talk about how to put what you're learning in this episode into action. Well, the first thing to do would be to just practice noticing when anxiety is there and see if you can just allow it. And one exercise from act acceptance and commitment Therapy, that's pretty cool. Is, let's say you feel anxiety. Notice where you feel it in your body. Like, oh, I got this. My chest feels like it's really tight, or my stomach okay, imagine it is like, a shape. You know, is it a basketball? Is it a tiny little golf ball? Is it a blob that has all these, you know, indistinct edges? Doesn't matter. And then give it a color. Like, I don't see any color, man. Let's pick one. Maybe get a sense of it. I don't feel red. Okay, great. So now you got this red blob. Imagine taking that red blob out, just like you can visually see it even with your eyes open. Or just close your eyes and pull that blob and just put it on the table next to you, or in the car, the passenger seat next to you, and then say, okay, there it is. How willing am I to allow that to be there? On a scale of 1 to 10, let's see if you can soften and surrender until it's high 10. It's about. I don't want it to be there. Okay, then you're like a one. And then you fight it, and you fight it and you thrash and you fight it and you thrash and thrash and fight it and thrash and fight it. And eventually, maybe after a long while, if you're stubborn like me, eventually you're like, okay, all right. Well, we did that for an hour. That was fun. Guess we'll try this allowing it thing. Fine. Right? So just play with that. And then, of course, let's take the next bold action. Build courage as a muscle by doing what scares you until fear has no power to stop you. Thanks for being with me today. And until we speak again, may I have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.