Trust In Your Unconscious Competence

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome. Today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about trusting in your unconscious competence. What does that even mean? Well, you're gonna find out today in this show, and it's actually gonna really help you not just trust in yourself more, but in life more as well. So I'm really excited. I think it's gonna be very valuable for you. This is gonna help, you know. Cause the more trust we have, the more confidence we have in ourselves and just the way that we approach life. Because the opposite of trust is to be wary of, to feel danger in, to be threatened by life and the future and circumstances and even people around us. And that's the opposite of confidence. It makes us tense and anxious and tight and makes us really hold back. So this is going to help you with your confidence in yourself, social confidence in your life. And so we're going to dive right into it. If you want to go further with the show, go to shrinkforthshyguy.com shrinkforthshyguy.com youm can get an ebook that I have there called Five Steps to Unleash youh Inner Confidence, as well as see previous episodes of the show. And also, if you haven't checked out my YouTube channel, get more confidence. Do that. Get more confidence. Go to YouTube. Type in get more confidence. I don't even know how many videos at this point. Maybe 200, maybe a thousand. No, I don't know. It's not that many. It's probably like 200. Anyway, lots of videos. So that'll help you on your path as well. Let's talk about trusting in your unconscious confidence. The idea I had for this episode actually just came to me when literally right now. So what was happening is I was recording, but not for my own podcast. I was recording an interview for someone else's podcast. And I just finished that interview. And then as soon as I was done, I was Like, I'm gonna record a podcast about this. Cause that was really cool. And here's what happened. The person reached out to me, and I'm kind of a big deal. So I get, like, a million podcast requests. I don't get that many, but I get more now that Not Nice came out, which is cool. I think it's a topic that a lot of people want to know about. And so what we do is we kind of have to filter them, because some of them are, you know, just. I couldn't do all the ones that I would just be doing all my time doing podcast interviews. So we kind of filter them and then find out if it's a good fit and then say yes. And then, apparently, for this podcast, the guy sent me over a bunch of questions ahead of time. And I didn't know that. And even if I did know that, I probably would just, like, glanced through them, but I don't think I would have, like, sat down and written out content for it. But anyway, I didn't even know that. And so we get on this interview, and he's like, okay, so I'm just gonna be going off the questions I gave you for the most part. I mean, I might throw some spontaneous ones in, but for the most part, just all the questions I gave to you that sound good, I'm like, yeah, sounds great. I'm ready. And what was interesting, though, is I felt a sense of just trust that I would have great answers to those questions and not even really a sense of fear. There was a little bit of, like, uncertainty. Like, I don't know what's going to happen next. But instead of that feeling bad or scary, I actually kind of enjoyed it, which I thought was really interesting, because it's different than other kinds of uncertainty. And I'm curious for you. Do you enjoy the uncertainty or is it terrifying? Do you feel like, oh, no, are you stressing? Are you overthinking things? Or maybe it depends upon the area. Maybe certain areas you can ride that uncertainty. In certain areas, you get really tense. And I think the determining factor, whether we can just ride it or be really tense about it comes down to a couple of things. One is unconscious competence. So if you've never heard this concept, it comes from a learning theory where we go through stages of learning, and when we're learning something new, I mean, before we even have come across that skill, we don't even know that. We don't know it. You don't even know that. You don't know how to public speak until you see someone public speak or you try it yourself and you're like, oh my God, I don't know how to do that. But then eventually you have. That's called unconscious incompetence. Then there's conscious incompetence. You become conscious of the fact that you're incompetent. I see very well that I don't know how to public speak. I am very aware of that fact. And maybe that's my identity. I'm not good at that. I don't do that. Then though, the next stage of learning is conscious incompetence. So you have to. You're consciously working at it. I mean, conscious competence is the next stage where you're actually working on it and you're competent when you're focusing on it, you're studying it, you're learning it, you're practicing it. And this applies to everything. This applies to conversation skills, but public speaking, dating and relationship skills, flirting, an instrument, skills in your career, specific tasks in your career or your work, Every single one of these things goes through these stages. And so when you're in conscious competence, you can do it, but you gotta work at it. And maybe you're not great, but you gotta kinda work at it and practice it and be thinking about it a lot. And then though there's a stage after that called unconscious competence, you are totally competent. You don't even have to think about what you're doing. That's like, if you know how to play an instrument really well, you're not thinking about, like, where do I put my fingers to make that chord. You're more like listening to the music and just, you know, jamming with it or finding what's going to sound good or coming up with songs that move through you. And the same thing goes for any skill, anything that you're doing. And so when it comes to doing these interviews and just talking about the subjects that I'm familiar with, even if it's something that I haven't answered before, I'm like, I've done a lot of practice. I've done thousands of hours of yammering on and talking and writing, writing and communicating. So no matter what he throws my way, I'm sure I can come up with something. So that's unconscious competence. And it's a lot more enjoyable when you just ride that unconscious competence. So the question I have for you is where are you unconsciously competent and allow your mind to go to anywhere, any particular. It doesn't have to be a certain social skill, although it Might maybe when it comes to sharing something, maybe a story about yourself, you're just kind of unconsciously competent. You tell stories in an interesting or engaging way. Maybe there's a certain task at work that you can do that people kind of come to you because they want to ask your thoughts or opinions or whatever perspective on it, because you just know how to do that really well. So you're unconsciously competent at that task. So do you have something like that in mind? And again, broaden it if you're like, nothing. I'm not competent at nothing, man. Well, expand it, you know, put it into stuff that you might categorize as not as good. Like maybe you're unconsciously competent at a certain video game or at video games in general or something else. I don't know, driving your car. That one might be. That's generally the case for most people. Okay, you have one. I'm just gonna assume that you do. Now, what is that? Like, we wanna tune into that, we wanna tap into that. Because there is something cool going on there. In fact, if you're the thing that you're unconsciously competent in when it is maybe a new challenge or a new project or a new thing. So let's say you're unconsciously competent at social conversations, and then there's that new person that you're gonna meet. How do you feel now? For the most part, people feel engaged, interested, open, curious, excited, something. Something kind of positive. Why? Well, there's uncertainty because I don't know how it's gonna go. I don't know how to talk. I've never talked to this person before. But there's a sense of trust, isn't there? Trust that you know what to do. Trust that whatever's needed is just going to come to you in the moment. You know what I'm talking about? It's a pretty cool feeling. Improv really strengthened this in me. I remember I'd already practiced a lot of approaching and dating and relationships, that sort of thing. I've been doing that for a couple of years. And so I learned how to face my fear and approach a woman that I was attracted to, approach anyone, really, any social group. But what I still would do is a lot of planning, even if it was just 30 seconds or a minute of planning. You know, there's a person over there. Okay, what am I going to say? Go to my database of things I could say, Come up with that. Maybe that little calculating. My buddy would call it the grind phase. Like grinding away on your options. And though when I took this improv class, and I had that really cool experience of doing improv where you don't know what you're going to do next. You literally can't plan it because you're working with other people in a skit or a game. And so if you plan out how it's all gonna go, and then they don't, you know, they're not part of your mental plan, so they just start doing their own thing. And then, you know, you can't force them to do what you wanted, so you have to kind of roll with it. And it was a pretty cool experience. And I thought. I remember that was the first time I noticed there was. This was in San Francisco where I did this class. And I got out of the class, it was late afternoon in the city, and I think I was walking back to my car, just hanging out for a little bit for a couple hours before driving home, and I saw these two women somewhere out in the street somewhere in the city. And I just started walking towards them, knowing I was gonna go talk to them. And I had no idea of what I was gonna say. No idea. And I was aware of that in the moment. I was like, wow, I have no idea what I'm going to say. But I was just like, but I'm going to move towards them and I'm going to open my mouth and something's going to come out. And lo and behold, something did. I don't remember what it was. It was kind of an insignificant interaction. I talked for a little bit and moved on. Insignificant in the sense, like, you know, did something come of it? In terms of my connection with them, very significant in terms of showing me something which is, you might be closer to unconscious competence than you think. What do I mean by that? Well, let's say this example of conversation confidence. And we talk about this at my live event, Supremely Confident Conversation Master. I talk about the four stages of learning and talk about wanting to help people realize that they're actually much better at this than they think. And that some of the problem, like, we do need to go through that conscious competence phase where we're studying, we're practicing. Like, okay, how do I ask questions? How do I listen? Well, and in fact, in my course, Social Mastery Inside of Confidence University, I mean, we go in depth on all those skills because they're very valuable to learn how to listen, how to ask questions, how to keep the conversation going, how to make it engaging, all that stuff. And you do want to learn that. And then at some point, you want to let go, you want to load up all the information into your brain and then you just got to go, you just gotta be in the moment. Because what does conscious competence give you? What does learning the tools and the strategies and figuring out what to say and planning it, what does that give you? That's right. It gives you a sense of certainty. I know what to do, I know what to say, I know how it's gonna go, I know how this process works. And some level of certainty is valuable. But if that's all you got, it's restricted, it's scripted, and it's not 100% you, because you are way more dynamic than that. And the stuff that's going to come out of you in the moment is way more you, way more fun, way more free, way more spontaneous, way more engaging. And so we want to practice those skills. But then at some point you just got to go, go into it. And so my encouragement for you is in the areas that you are practicing right now, you're developing conscious competence. What would it be like to just kind of go in a little less prepared? And I wouldn't recommend this if it's like the very first time you're gonna do something, you do wanna build up some proficiency. But I see this a lot in clients that I work with who are struggling with confidence in say a work setting or meetings or presentations. What they often do is they often over prepare. They're like keeping themselves stuck in the stage of conscious competence. Like they can give good presentations, but they prepare like mad men and mad women. And they're like stressed about it and they can't hang out with their family because they're all tight about it for three or five or seven days ahead of time. And they're planning and they're planning and they're all anxious about it. And what they're doing is they're not trusting, they're not trusting in their competence, in their unconscious competence. Because your unconscious mind, once you've loaded it with enough stuff, is way faster, way better, way more expansive than what your pre planned, scripted mind can be. So what I encourage these clients when I work with them is to like, yeah, do some prep, but cap it. In fact, this actually came up with a coach on my team as well. She noticed that she would prepare for all her coaching sessions a lot and she started getting more clients. She's like, this is like, I'm spending so much time preparing for these sessions. I said, well, what if we just cap your preparation to five minutes? So think about the person, focus on it. Review your notes. Come up with some key focuses. If you want specific things you want to ask them or you want to touch on or threads you want to continue with. Maybe a tool or a strategy you want to think about to use an exercise you want to do with them. And then go in open. Because that whole plan that you came up with might just go right out the window. Have you ever had that happen? You plan this whole conversation, you plan this whole presentation, and then it starts and then. And you give the first 30 seconds of it and then it's like, oh, wait, I've done that multiple times with the live weekends that I teach. So this is an area where in the past I would not trust in my unconscious competence. I'd be like, I gotta figure this out. Cause it's like, oh my God, all these people are flying in. I have to make sure it's really good. I'd be anxious about it. It would kick in my perfectionism. I gotta make sure it's so amazing that everyone has a great experience and they know that I'm great. And I prove that I'm not bad and I'm good enough and, and then hopefully impress people too. Baseline has proved that I'm not bad and no one's upset with me. These are some of the unconscious things that were creating a lot of anxiety in me. And so from that place, I'd over prepare, I'd stress about it, I'd try to map out every minute of the event. We're gonna cover this. I'm gonna teach that. I'm gonna teach this, I'm gonna teach this at this time. And at 12:07, I'm gonna do this. And I'd get to the event and then start. And inevitably I'd be kind of tense. Cause I'm like, am I sticking to the schedule? Oh my God. That thing that I thought was gonna be a good thing to teach, I don't really. Doesn't seem like good to teach right now. Oh no. And inevitably at almost every event, it's gotten faster and faster. Usually now within like 20, 30 minutes. I would just like, okay, we're just gonna put that thing over there. Especially on the first day. Cause like, I don't know what's coming in right now. We gotta see what's in the room. And then I find I, you know, start to move things around. And the structure is helpful to say, okay, when's lunch? When are the breaks, when are the start times, when are the end times? What are some Key activities I want to hit on. But the moment by moment is unnecessary. That's just a need for certainty. So where are you grasping for that need for certainty and not trusting in yourself to just be able to handle it, to be able to flow with it? And that's really what your unconscious is about. It's about flow because your unconscious is plugged into something much bigger than you. Napoleon Hill would call it infinite intelligence. Pam Grout calls it the divine buzz. Taoists would call it the Dao. Other people might call it God or spirit or what the universe. But there is this massive web of interconnectivity and intelligence and information and everything that our rational left brain that's certainty driven cannot comprehend, kind of denies the existence of or at least downplays the existence of it and says, no, that's all nothing. I'm primary here. But it's the other way around. Like that left brain, certainty driven ego. Part of us is just the passenger. And it's like not just a passenger of a car. It's like a passenger of a gigantic spaceship that's like, so, you know, like, you ever seen those Star Trek. Well, probably any Star Trek actually. Back from the originals up to whatever the newest ones are, you know, like, they'll show one of the characters and looking out the window of the spaceship at space, contemplating something, and then it'll kind of zoom out and zoom out and zoom out, and you'll see like the entire starship Enterprise. And you're like, holy shit, that thing's like a city, right? It's just gigantic. That's what it's like, our unconscious mind. And then your left brain ego part is like that little guy in the window who's like, I'm driving this whole thing. I'm in charge of everything. I need certainty. And what we got to do is we just got to surrender into that much bigger thing that's moving. We can learn some tools and strategies and load them in and then let it fly, let it rip. So where can you approach your life right now with more trust in your competence, more trust in your capacity, your capability? Like, I got this, I can do this. And the only way to really build that trust is to leap though, right? Because if I said, oh, yeah, I could just walk up to those women without having anything to say and just do it, I could do that. But then I didn't do it. I don't know if that would build the trust, would it? Because some part of me is like, well, maybe I could. Maybe I couldn't. And there'd be doubt. But if you just do it, then something opens up. And in the act of doing it, though, it's uncomfortable. Walking towards those women was uncomfortable going into the presentation, having prepared some, but not like you crazy used to is going to be uncomfortable because there's that party that's gonna be freaking out that wants certainty. So that's where we need to let go. And trust in yourself, in something bigger. Trust in your capacity to come up with stuff when you need it in something bigger. Moving through you in life, moving through you. So let's talk about how you're put this into action right now. Time for action. Action, action. Your action step for today is to do one thing where you consciously go into it without having it all mapped out. And it could be something really small, like a conversation, a social interaction. It could be something bigger like a presentation or a meeting at work. And again, I'm not talking about like, well, in the social interaction, you can go in, like, totally unprepared. And maybe a meeting at work, you don't. Maybe you do need to look up some basic information or gather some documents or whatever. But you know, you do the what you need to and then you go in and you trust. So you do way less preparation than you normally would do. Same thing with, like sending an email or coming up with a communication. Like, don't overthink it. Just put it out there. Just send it. Just type it up once and send it. Just put something out there. Trust that you can do it. Trust that it's done and not needing to, like, plan and prepare and manipulate and control and protect so much. So that's the challenge. That's the action step for today. So really practice. Find an opportunity, small or big, to practice that, because that's where you'll get the experience of it. And it won't just be theoretical. It will be something you actually did. And that's what's going to build the trust over time. And the more you reside in it, the more you build that continually, the greater the sense of trust and the greater the sense of trust, the better you feel because you can really start to trust in something bigger. Trust in life and experience less anxiety and more freedom, more joy, more of all the good stuff. So thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are, trust in who you are and know that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know Anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkfortheshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com. It.