Turn Discouraged To Determined

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of the show. Today I am excited to share something with you that I think will be really helpful if you're feeling discouraged, and you may or may not be feeling as you're listening to this episode, that way. But good news, bad news is you will. Yay. Everyone loves to hear that. But that's the unfortunate or maybe fortunate truth of it, right? Is there's going to be times along any growth journey that you're going to feel excited, possibility, enthusiastic, ready, optimistic, and then at times you're going to feel discouraged. And when we're discouraged, that's we, that's the time that what you choose to do matters even more. Because when things are going well and you're optimistic, you, you don't, you're not needing to choose as much. It's like the next step is obvious and you're thinking, oh, this is going to work and so you try something and then it works. Oh, great, great, great, more. And we get some momentum and we feel good. But when we're discouraged is when we can make choices, we can make decisions or conclusions that can significantly negatively impact your growth. And so it's especially important. And in this episode, you're going to have some very clear tools that you can use when you're discouraged to really support you. And the ultimate goal is that you can stay on the path. Because what I've seen of doing this work for many years with people is, you know, there's a saying in investing. You know, they say, don't try to time the market. It's not about timing the market, it's about time in the market, how long. So if you're trying to be like, I'm gonna buy low and sell high and ha ha ha and time the market, maybe, maybe you can, a lot of people try full time traders try, you know, big, big fancy pants hedge fund managers try to, you know, outperform the market and what seems to work better is being in the market as a whole or a particular asset class or even a specific, you know, asset or group of, you know, companies or whatever. But you are in that for a long time. Like, oh yeah, I've been, you know, I was accumulating Microsoft for 15 years and now it's worth X amount or something like that. So you've been in it a long time. And that's what I've seen is true for confidence growth is if you want to build your confidence, it's not about getting in there and getting out and doing the one thing really quickly and being done. It's about this willingness to stay in the process of growth. And if you stay in that process of growth for longer and actually do things, not just say, you know, I'm working on it, it's like, what does that mean? Well, I listened to a podcast and then didn't do anything. You're thinking about it. I don't know if you're working on it, but let's say you're actually practicing. And here's the thing, if you're actually practicing, like you listen to these episodes and there's action steps at the end and you do the action steps, or maybe you've joined Confidence University, the program that you hear me talk about sometimes and if you haven't heard me talk about it, well, now you are. It's called Confidence University. You can go to TheConfidenceUniversity.com and check it out. It's in depth. Four full length courses on everything. Social Mastery, Dating Mastery, Career Acceleration, the Ultimate Confidence foundation, if you really like these. It's a systematic approach, right? So let's say you're doing that you're actively working on, you're taking action and that's gonna increase the likelihood of discouragement. Now, I know that's not a very good sell for my program, but let me explain because when you're not doing anything, you can feel discouraged, but you can also kind of just be in avoidance mode. So back in my day when I was really just thick in social anxiety and I wasn't dating and I never really dated anyone that I wanted to date. I'd never really been in a relationship with anyone that I wanted to be in a relationship with, you know, on a day to day level, was I super discouraged about my dating life? Honestly, no. Why? Because I just didn't think about it much. I just kind of avoided it and focused on other things and focused on what I was good at. And if something came up. You know, like, I saw my friend started dating someone, all these terrible feelings would be there. Or if my aunt at Thanksgiving said, so how's your love life going? I'd say, oh, is there a hole I can go die in right now? So I would have these bad feelings that would come up. But a lot of my life was around avoidance. And that means avoidance of doing the thing, approaching anyone, but also avoidance of for thinking about it at all. And so we might minimize discouragement, but when you start actively putting yourself out there, like, I'm gonna go approach people for dating, as it was in my case, or I'm gonna go try to grow my business, or I'm gonna take on this new project, or I'm gonna speak up more at work or whatever it is you wanna do. And then maybe you have a setback or it's hard or it doesn't work out instantly, the discouragement there can be like a ton of bricks. And there's a reason behind that, which I'll share in just a moment, that's by design. And so we want to learn how to deal with that discouragement. So that's the first thing to learn is as you increase your action, which is going to ultimately increase your confidence and set you free, you might experience more pronounced moments of discouragement. Does that make sense? Right. And maybe you've experienced that in your own life. Now, why is that? Well, why did I say that was by design? Well, because you have multiple parts inside of you. Don't worry, you're not crazy. It's true for all of us. And one of those parts, I refer to it in different ways. You might have heard me call that your safety police. Sometimes I just refer to it as the voice of doubt. But basically, there's a part of you that wants to minimize pain, minimize the risks of life, of feeling anything uncomfortable. So maybe being rejected is uncomfortable. Maybe someone not liking you, someone being upset with you, trying something and. And it not working and failing, maybe feeling embarrassed as a result. These are all things that some party really wants to avoid. And so when you start to challenge that and say, no, I'm going to go for it, I'm going to take actions, here I go. That part doesn't just quietly go into the good night and say, okay, fine, go get him, tiger. It says, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Danger, danger, danger. You stop and you stay small. That's where we know we're safe. But if you persist and you take some actions and then you have a setback and you put something out there online and someone says it sucks and so do you. This part jumps out of the woodwork and says, I told you so. And this discouragement might come in like a ton of bricks and it's designed to feel so bad that you never do it again. Has that ever happened to you where you just kind of shut down, close down? And if so, well, we got to shift that. Because how you deal with that discouragement determines how long you can stay in the confidence building process. Right. Time in the market. That was the example from earlier. And the longer you can stay in, the more you're going to grow, the better, the more repetitions you can get, the better you're going to get, the more actions you can take, the better you're going to get. And the faster we can do them, the better. Right? And so the discouragement becomes this huge wet blanket to the process. So we want to have tools and resources and support to really break out of that and do something different. This podcast episode is an example of some support. And of course, if you want more support, then I would love to support you in a variety of ways. If you just go to drzeze.com, you can check out my Mastermind program and other things to find out how I could support you. But we need something to help us stay in this process. And so I want to share some tools with you on how to deal with the discouragement in this episode. And one of the most important starting points is to name what's happening as it's happening. Because when the discouragement storm starts and we get into that state, man, we start to feel heavy. And now we just start to feel emotional pain and we don't know what's what. The pain could be really strong after a rejection or a no, or you feel guilty or you feel like you failed. And when that pain arises, it's hard to think clearly. And so these storm of stories and emotions starts to just pour out and all that we can do is say, you know what? I just. It's. It's helpless. I'm helpless, it's hopeless. And there's going to be a thousand and one stories about this. And you tried that and that didn't work. And this. But if you listen to the theme, whether it's blaming you or predicting a bad future, the essence of it is it's hopeless. As in you can't get what you want, you can't get the result, and I'm helpless, as in nothing I do is going to work. And, you know, those are Extreme words, hopeless and helpless. So discouragement can kind of exist on a continuum. You could be a little bit discouraged. You could be a lot discouraged. But it's got that energy of, like, just sucking the wind out of your sails. So you are way less likely to actually want to get out there and do something. So first, just name that. Like, oh, helpless, hopeless. And one of the most. And sometimes people feel that and they're like, oh, this feels awful. I gotta challenge it. Let me do something. Well, actually, what I've found is, yes, great, we're gonna do something where, you know, you know me, I love my action. We're gonna talk about that in a minute. But one of the most effective things you can start with is just a moment of actually connecting with yourself with more compassion, with more space, and with more patience. And so a simple tool for this is just to put one hand on your chest and one hand on your belly and take several deep breaths where you literally feel your hands against your skin. I don't know where you are right now. You're driving. Maybe you're not going to do this while you're driving, but you just put them on your shirt. But you feel the warmth and the pressure of your own hands against your own body. And you take a full, deep breath down into your belly and then a full breath into your chest. You keep alternating your breaths like that. And you just acknowledge. Yeah, it seems this way right now. Sometimes it's like this. Sometimes it seems like nothing I do is going to work. Sometimes it seems like I'm helpless or it's hopeless. Sometimes it seems like I've tried everything. Now, noticing the language there, right? I say it seems like. Or it feels like not saying it is, but this is really meeting that part. And the reason we don't want to skip this step is otherwise you run the risk of being like, that annoying friend where, you know, you're like, oh, man, this person dumped me. And you're like, hey, buddy, don't worry about it. There's plenty of fish in the sea. You're a catch. See? And it's like, ugh. I mean, it's. They mean well, but it's really annoying, right? Because they just. There's not this acknowledgement, like, people are unwilling to go to the pain. And we just. It's okay to go to the pain for a minute and really be with it. And then. And then we don't stay there, though, right? Because if you're just like, yeah, it's hopeless. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it's Hopeless. Yeah, it is. What should we do? I don't know. It's hopeless. Let's get high on the couch, right? And we just kind of sink into this goo, this pit of our own failure and impossibility. And we want to say, okay, that's what it feels like, that's what it seems like. And now what am I going to do with this? And the question I come back to a couple of things. One is, how bad do you want it and why do you want it? Why is this important to you and how much do you want it and are you willing to do what it takes to create it? I think these are such important questions and we can look at each one in turn. So the why is important because it helps you answer the other two questions. Why do I want this? Now, if you're in a hopeless place, maybe, like, why do I want it? I don't even know. I don't. I don't even care, right? But if you take a step back and you say, you know, what do I really want? And do I really? And why is this important to me? Is another way to ask the why do I want this? And really connect with the purpose and the meaning. And that's what we're going for, is like, there's a sense of meaning, there's a sense of, yes, this matters. And sometimes we have to go through some of that pain of the discouragement isn't bad. It helps strip and burn away the motives that are not you, that are more about something related to your ego, like security, safety, proving yourself, significance, impressing people, and that stuff burns away. And you say, yeah, yeah, yeah, but why do I really want this? And we get to find what you really value. And when you can connect with that, then there's more strength, right? So when I experience a discouragement or a setback, which I've had many in my life, but let's say I around something related to this work in the world and reaching people and helping people. I do all kinds of things, right? I'm offering all kinds of things. I run a group program, I do virtual events and release things into the world and sell programs. And some stuff goes really well, some stuff doesn't go so well. And at times I can feel discouraged. Let's say I'm offering something that's like, oh, nobody wants it. I suck, right? And there's that period of discouragement of what might seem like a failure. I've had that. I've had that all over the place in my business and in other areas of my life. And so there can be a sense of, like, oh, I was hoping that was gonna work, right? Because if it worked, then I could sell something, right? And that's great. That makes the business feels like it's a success, Right? And there's nothing wrong with that. Obviously, if you have a business, you want it to be successful, too, but there can be a sense of, like, needing that for security. And not that there's anything wrong with that, but that. If that's the core motive, I find, for me, that's not enough to get me to do whatever it takes. And maybe it's like, oh, I would impress people if this sold at a certain rate, or I could do this or that. And that also follows through. And then my bedrock, what I come back to is because this is what's most meaningful for me to do with my time in my life. This matters to me. I mean, so, you know, there's a lot of things that I do in my life that if I don't do them, it would be okay, right? You know, I could take that or leave that. Ultimately, I still might fill my time with it sometimes, but it's like the highest value, most meaningful stuff. It comes down to some core relationships in my life, Some family, some friends, my time with my wife, my kids. Time to use my body and celebrate that I get a body that can do things. So exercise and creation, this, doing this work in the world, helping people experience a transformation, Those are the big three things. And I have some hobbies and some interests. But honestly, if I couldn't do that hobby or interest for a while, it'll be fine, right? But if you're like, well, you can't hang out with your kids for months, or you don't get to do this work in the world anymore, that would take a big toll on me. You know, one of my hobbies is Magic the Gathering. I also like it because I can play it a lot with my son, right? But let's say the stuff I do on my own, if I didn't do that, it's not really that big of a deal. But these things matter to me. These are significant in my life. And so I'm going to invest my energy to do that. And so if there's something happening in the business and it's like, oh, it's not working. Oh, I'm discouraged. Why do I want it? Well, because it. This feels meaningful. This is what I'm here to do. Now all of a sudden, there's this rising up of energy of strength, of willingness. And so you gotta find that for yourself. Like, what? Why do I want? Whether it's a relationship or it's a career thing, or it's a social thing, like, oh, these people didn't want to be my friend again. Or, oh, I got ghosted again in this dating process. I tried to go to this social event and connect, and I just felt awkward and tense and I'm. I was trying to be approval seeking again, even though I don't want to be. Damn it. Okay. It's never going to work no matter what I try. Okay, you're with that for a few minutes. And then why do I really want this? It's like, because, man, I hunger for those deep connections in my life. I want those core close friendships. I know that it's important. I know how rich my life would be if I had those close friends, right? And you feel that hunger, that need, that genuine value for connection and love and authenticity in your life from that place. Then we go to the next question, which is, how bad do you want that? Do you really want that? And when you're connected to what you value, you'll feel it. It's like, oh, man, I really want this. Great. Are you willing to do what it takes? And not to jump over that second one too fast, because sometimes people, they don't really want it. It's what their parents wanted for them. It's what they should do to be a success. It's what they should do to fit in or to impress people. And if that's the case, you got to reconnect own personal why and your values. But when you really plug into what you value, what matters to you, that one's a clear yes, of course I want this. Then the next question comes up, which is, are you willing to do what it takes? And that's the million dollar question. And of course, we all, you know, on the test, the answer is yes. It's like a, you know, circle. The answer, yes or no, True, False. Like true. I'm willing to do whatever it takes. That's the right answer, right? Did I pass the test? Disease. It's like, I don't know. I'm not great. In you, man. It's life. Life is showing you. You are showing yourself. You are showing up and seeing what kind of person I want to be and what do I want to create. And there's no right or wrong here. There's no you should. It is what truly. It's a choose your own adventure. And what truly matters for you? In your life. And not everything is a whatever it takes. In fact, I'm super excited to share it with you soon. The book Doubtless is coming out. It's my next book, be coming out soon. I'm looking sometime in spring here of 2025. So you'll hear about it on this show before it releases. But in there, I talk about this. This, you know, how bad do you want it? This is about. There's a chapter on commitment. How bad do you want it? And are you willing to do what it takes? And. And not everything is willing to do what it takes. It doesn't have to be. There are certain things in your life, you test them out, and then you're like, you know what? I don't know if I really want to do that. That's a lot of work. I thought I wanted to do that, but I don't want to do that. Or you tell yourself you want to do it, but you don't really ever show up to do the thing. It means you probably don't want it enough. Right? You're not connected to the right fuel, or it's not a clear hell yes for you. And then there's those things that you like. You need them. Your soul is called to do it. And you'll try, and then you'll try again, and then you'll try something else, and then you'll try something else. And then it feels like, oh, God, nothing's working, and I'm dying in a pool of suffering. And then you writhe around in that for a day or two or a week or whatever. And then you find a new solution. Then life offers a new doorway and there's another chance. And then maybe it's messy or you have to make difficult choices, but you say, okay, I'm going to go this new way now because this matters to me. And you keep finding the new way. And that is how we turn discouraged into determined. It's by going through a process like this, where on the other side of it, you found something. You've mined the depths. You've plumbed the depths to come up with a new fuel source to propel you to. To get to the next level. So let's talk about how you can turn this into action. Time for action. Action. Action. Your action step right now is to maybe you're feeling discouraged, and in which case, great good timing. And that's maybe why you chose this episode to listen to. And let. Let's run yourself through that process that I just. Those questions that I was asking really answer them. If you're not feeling discouraged, then still ask yourself whatever there's a goal. Like pick a goal that you have in your life and ask yourself some of those questions. Why do I want this? Do I really want this? Is this really, you know, for me? Authentically I want this? And am I willing to do whatever it takes? Like, yeah, totally. Totally. Like really, really? Like what? Am I willing to be uncomfortable? Am I willing to lean? Am I willing to take a risk? Am I willing to be uncomfortable? Am I willing to invest? Am I willing to do something, whatever it is? Because the stuff that really, really matters that you're the most committed to, the answer is a yes to all of those. Even if it involves temporary discomfort or getting outside your comfort zone or risking it's worth it. So hope you're fired up, hope this serves you and until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.