Two Simple Words To Transform Your Confidence

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of the show. Today, you're going to learn two powerful words that are going to transform your experience of confidence in so many different ways. And I can't wait to share these with you. Before we do that, though, I have to show you something, let you know about a little change. You might even be hearing it already. So here's the deal. I absolutely love to move my body. I love to walk, I love to run, just to be outside. And when I'm moving, when I'm walking, when I'm running, I'll just start this. That's when my best ideas come. I don't know if you experience that. If you get any sort of, you know, long exercise, you just kind of get in the flow, get in the zone, and then, boom, I'll get out ideas. Things will come to me. I'll be creative because I'm in an energized state. And then like, oh, yeah, I want to, to write that down. Or I'm going to write that in a book or I'm going to, I'll put that in a podcast. And then I, you know, maybe I take some notes and then I get home to record and I'm like, what was the brilliant thing? And so I thought just the other day, I'm always looking for creative solutions. And I was like, wait a minute, why can't I just record while I'm walking? I thought, no, I can't do that. The quality won't be the ultra produced version that my fans know and love. And I thought, you know, I don't know if people care that much about the exact quality as long as it's audible, as long as they can hear it. That's a car driving by. High quality right there. But if you're with me and you can hear me and you can feel my words and there's not too many crazy, distracting sounds, then I think, this is a fantastic Solution. Because what that allows you to do is get my best ideas, my best input, my best. The newest things that are coming to me, things I'm learning, things I'm discovering. And so if you're interested in that and you want to get my best stuff, then stay tuned because we're gonna do a series of walking shrink for the shy guys. I'll be sprinkling them in as well as the studio recorded ones. And it's a win, win. I get to move, you get to grow, and we get to keep developing together. So what are these two words that I'm thinking of here that I want to share with you? Well, let me start by saying watch out for being certain. Watch out for being certain. What do I mean? Well, in some cases, being certain can be helpful. You know, like maybe that's a sign of confidence. Hey, I know I can do this thing. I know I can achieve this. I know I can make that happen. Whether it's signing up for a project, taking on something in your workplace, starting a business, going for a job interview, like knowing. Having certainty that you're. That you can do the job, that it's worth hiring you, having certainty that you know you can bring something into a romantic relationship and that you're, you know, a worthy partner, that someone would be. It is a benefit to have you in their life and vice versa. Like, yeah, those are great. And that is a lot of what I help people do is to develop that sense of certainty and knowing. In fact, we say this at the end of every show, right? Know that you're awesome. And yet. And yet, are there times when certainty screws you, where certainty actually doesn't serve you, and then instead of feeling empowered by it and confident from it, you actually feel worse? And if so, when is that? What? Can you think of a time when you've been totally certain about something and it hasn't served you well? One common example is we're totally certain that something bad is going to happen. Oh, my God, this thing's going to fall apart. I know I'm going to get fired. No one's ever going to want to hire me again. I'm going to run out of money. They're going to break up with me. This isn't going to go well. This date's going to go poorly. This presentation is going to suck. No one's going to read this book. Ah, Whatever dismal future we predict with certainty and we suffer. If you have certainty that you suck, that no one wants to be with you, that you're not worthy, that there's something wrong with you, then you suffer. And not only do you suffer, but so do others. Because you know those that you're in relationship with, if you're certain that you're not good enough or that you aren't worthy in some way, then all of a sudden you're feeling all this shame. And then the people around you that love you are like, are you crazy? Like, you're fine. We love you. You're like, no, no, I'm not enough yet. I haven't conquered the world and gotten a Nobel Prize. I'm nothing. And then the people around us are hurting because they can't receive the love. They can't share their love, and they can't receive your full attention and love. And so that certainty can really screw us. So that brings us to the first word that can transform your confidence in your life. You ready? It's a big one. Just one word. What could it be? Is it sunshine? It's maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Just try that one on. Say maybe. Maybe. It's such a powerful word because what it's conveying what's behind maybe. What's behind maybe is. I don't know. I'm not certain. I'm not certain. And with that comes new possibilities. Because when we're certain, it's got to be one way. This is how it is. How do I know? Because I'm certain. But what if you're not certain? And what if that's a good thing? Maybe. It just. It's so fun. I remember this was a summer ago, and we were heading into this hotel and they had this big parking lot, a lot of trees in it. And we're walking towards the. The room, and we're kind of carrying. We brought some of our own pillows and some of our own food and stuff. And we're kind of trekking into this hotel, and the sun's shining and. And on the ground, there's this little bee. And my younger son, Armand, is obsessed with bugs. Has been his whole life up until now. He's about four and a half now, so it hasn't stopped. We'll see. Maybe he'll become an entomologist. I don't know. And he look, you know, he drops everything, gets down on his hands and knees and is like, look, I'll be everybody, you know? And we're okay. Wow. Yeah. I'm on a bee, like, carrying a bunch of bags and stuff. And so we pause for a while, and he looks at the bee and the bees. He's like, why isn't it flying? I don't know. Maybe it's. Maybe it's herd or resting. Maybe it's gonna die. I don't know. Okay. He watches the bee, loves the bee. Isn't that amazing? Little kids are just so. So present, so fascinated by the world around them. So after a little while, he's done with the bee and we get all our stuff and we go into the hotel and we sleep. Some nights sleep there. And the next morning we're gonna walk out and go do stuff during the day. We walk out that same doorway, same parking lot, and Armand says, I wonder if we'll see that bee. And his older brother, who's a couple years older at that point, is like, you know, he like, no, that bee's not going to be there. And Armand says, maybe, maybe, maybe it is. And Molshan's like, no, no, it's not. It's not. It can't be. It was just. Just there for a minute. No. And Arman says, maybe. And I just laughed when I heard it. And I was like, what a fun way to see the world. And I just thought, you know, maybe. Maybe it's true. I mean, is it possible that. That a bee could be there in the same spot? Is it. Is that possible? Maybe. Unlikely, but it's possible. So maybe so. Ever since that moment, that's about a year ago, sometimes when my mind gets so stuck on something and, you know, because think, imagine, put yourself in my older son's perspective, and maybe you'd have the same perspective. It's like, oh, that's totally unreasonable. I mean, the. The bee is just walking on that look, it's ridiculous. That's going to be there, you know, 12 hours later, 14 hours later, maybe. And I can just hear his voice in my mind and see, like the. The true belief and possibility on his face. Or he says, like, maybe this was hilarious. Another moment of this where he loves Armand, loves to talk to his grandma, and so he'll do, especially with the social lockdown that was happening and people weren't going anywhere. Grandparents couldn't travel and be with my kids at all. And so he would love to get on FaceTime with his grandma and spend. It's been like an hour just talking to each other. It's delightful and adorable to watch. And there's this thing, this phase he got into with people on the phone where sometimes he'd want to call them stupid. He was just about 4 years old, he'd want to call them stupid to see how they'd react and he'd do it with people that he loved. And he, like, want to call them. He's like, I want to talk to Grandma. And he gets on the. Grandma, he's like, you're stupid. And he has this, like, big smile on his face because he wants to see them, you know, say what? Or something, get some rise out of him. And so he's on the phone with Grandma, and this time he decides to mix it up. And he says. He says, grandma Gumpy, which is his term for his grandpa, her husband, he's like, gumpy thinks you're stupid. And she goes, what? You know, and then he. Of course he has a big smile because he loves the reaction. And he's like, yeah, Gumpy thinks you're stupid. Stupid. And she says, no, he doesn't. And Armand says, now this is a slight variation on maybe, but same sentiment. And he says, he might. She says, no, he doesn't. He might. No, he doesn't. He might. She's like, well, he better not. So she changed her tactic. She's like, he better not. And he said. And then he said something. This was great. He said something effective, like, well, I think he does. And she says, think. Does think what? He says, thinks that you're stupid. And then. And then she goes, no, I don't think he does. You know, he better not. And he goes, well, I think he probably definitely does. And then just went back and forth for a while, and I was just laughing in the corner watching this thing go down. So maybe. And might. Those are two variations of the same word here. But what would happen? What would happen for you? And the reason I'm telling some of these stories and that are kind of silly and, oh, from a little kid is like, hey, how many of our beliefs and stories did we learn when we were little kids that are just as silly, but the only reason we don't see them as silly is because we've put so much damn certainty and it's been such a long propaganda campaign. We're like, no, that shit's true. And it's serious because it's dismal. But it's just as absurd. No one would ever like me. I could never have any friends. What? Like an utterly absurd idea. If you think about that, that's about as absurd as the bee is going to be there in 14 hours overnight. And yet we're like, no, no, I'm gonna hold on to that one. So what if the next time your mind says, like, oh, don't reach out to that person. They're not gonna talk to you. No one wants to be your friend. And you just say, well, maybe. Well, that person is gonna reject you. You might. That person's gonna think you're stupid, maybe. And do you feel. Do you feel that? Take a moment right now. By the way, I'm entering into Mount Tabor Park, Portland, one of my favorite places to walk or run to. I absolutely love it. Can you hear those birds? They're saying, good morning. They're saying, maybe. So take a moment right now to think of a belief, a story, a prediction you have about life, about who you are, about what's possible, whatever it is that feels dismal or restricting. Take a moment, just identify that prediction, that certainty. In fact, just take a moment to see how certain am I that, you know, that I'm never going to get the confidence that I want, that I can't create the relationship that I want, that I don't have what it takes to ever feel fully comfortable leading meetings at work or whatever. It is. The story you have that doesn't serve you, the story that depresses you or discourages you to take a moment to think of just one right now. And then on a scale of 1 to 10, how certain are you? 10. Being totally certain that this is how it is, this is how it's going to be, this is true, okay? And just notice what that feels like. And then what happens if you just say maybe? So try this out. Say the story, condense it down into one little sentence, like, I'm never going to, you know, feel confident, work whatever it is, and then just say maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Add a little bit of probably not met my son Armand, but channel him. Channel your own inner child and just say maybe. Put your hands up and say maybe. Bring that brightness in your face. Maybe. Can you feel that? Does that just lighten the whole thing up a little bit? Ah, what a relief, huh? Okay, so that's the first word, maybe. What's the second word that can transform your confidence? I love this one. So oftentimes we're feeling anxious and insecure and doubtful because we are wanting to be one way and not another. Wanting to feel one thing and not another, wanting to be seen in one way and not another. Right? I want to see people. I want people to see me as confident, not anxious. I want to get the sale, not get a no. I want to be seen as calm, not angry. I want to be seen as smart, not stupid, and not even just seen. I want to be smart and not Stupid, Right? You know, to be seen as that way by others and by myself. And so our fear and our stress and our worry and our replays and after the conversation, oh, did I say that wrong? Or, oh, was that. Oh, I don't know. That comes from what we're worried about. There is like, oh, maybe I came across as one of these things that is bad, stupid, angry, anxious. And so the second word of liberation is sometimes. Sometimes I am those things. Sometimes I am angry, and sometimes I'm peaceful. Sometimes I'm anxious. Sometimes I'm relaxed. Sometimes. Sometimes I'm confident. Sometimes I'm insecure. Sometimes I feel powerful. Sometimes I feel helpless. Sometimes I am energized, and sometimes I'm lethargic. Sometimes I'm patient and compassionate. Sometimes I'm judgmental or irritable. Can you. Can you feel? Isn't that true? Isn't that true for you and for me and for everybody? Is there anyone who is always one way? And yet that's often what we expect of ourselves, isn't it? You might say, well, hold on a second. No, no, no, no. I realize that I don't want to be, you know, confident all the time, but I don't understand. I'm anxious more than other people, and that's the problem. And I'm anxious in situations where other people aren't, and that's the problem. So I need to not be anxious in these situations, and I need to not be angry in these situations and. And so forth and so on. Okay, and so maybe you do want to be more confident in certain situations. Maybe you do want to not, you know, fly off the handle with a partner or something like that. Great, great. I'm all for that. You know, for you feeling more empowered and emotionally free and in control and expressive to be who you are. Great, great. My question would be, what's your strategy to create that in your life? Because for most people, the strategy to get there has been to vehemently fight the thing that they don't like. So to get to confidence, I'm going to fight anxiety. To get to peace, I'm going to fight anger. I'm just going to fight it until I win, and then I'll be peaceful. Do you see how that path will not lead you to where you want to get to? And sometimes it just takes a moment to really wake up and see it. Otherwise, we just keep trying it again and again and again and again, and then we're like, oh, it's not working. I know what to do. Let me try Harder down. This path reminds me of this Simpsons episode where there's a cat burglar. And at the very end of the episode, they have him in jail and they caught him. And he says, well, you know, it's two Adams trapped in jail because I can't go dig up my buried treasure. And of course, the police officers in jail are like, what? Your buried treasure? And he's like, well, yeah, you know, I've got this treasure buried outside of such and such place. And then they go. And then they run out of the office and they go tell everybody in the town. The whole town, you know, flees. Goes outside the city to find this treasure. And of course, you know, he uses that as his opportunity to escape. But at the very end of the episode, it's Homer and Police Chief Wiggum and maybe one other person, I think, Willie, down in this huge hole they've dug where the treasure is supposed to be. And they're really deep in there, like 20ft down or something. And then they kind of look up and pause, and they're like, wow, how are we going to get out of this hole? I know, let's dig our way out. And then they keep digging more furiously. Then the episode ends. And I love that absurd humor, which is like, that's what we do. Dig my way out. So what if we just change our strategy and say, you know what? The way out is actually to acknowledge that sometimes I am those things. Ah. Can you just feel the relief of that? So what's something that you don't like being that you don't like being seen as you don't want other people to see you as. Okay, great. Now just say. You can say it out loud in your mind. Sometimes I am that. Whatever that thing is for you. Sometimes I'm anxious. And then take a breath, full breath in through your nose and then a breath out through your mouth. Sometimes I'm anxious, Sometimes I get overwhelmed. Ah. Sometimes I feel angry. That sort of thing, Whatever it is for you. But you see the little pattern in there, that little rhythm, and you can just repeat the same one. And also, once you've done that, also experiment with its opposite. Right? So whatever the opposite is for you, there's no official has to be one dictionary definition of an antonym or something. It could just be what's the opposite? So what's the opposite of anxious for you? Maybe it's confident, maybe it's bold. Maybe it's relaxed. Right? So then you could say, sometimes I'm anxious, and sometimes I'm relaxed and Then you could just let it be both. Can you feel the expansion, the freedom of tension, of needing to only be one way? And then when you're in that situation, you're like, oh, my gosh, what if someone sees that I'm nervous before I talk to them? Oh, shit, that would be so bad. That would make me look terrible. And you could just be like, yeah, sometimes I'm nervous before I talk to somebody. Sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I'm confident or feel free and relaxed. And sometimes I'm nervous and notice my voice tone there, the subtext there, or the attitude there is whatever, like, whatever. It doesn't have to be. Oh, my goodness. See, this is where this needs to be, a video podcast, because, oh my gosh, there's the mother. There's a baby bird here on the ground. And as I thought, it was a full grown bird, but then when I walked by, it didn't go anywhere and it looked up at me and it just opened up its beak and it went. And then it's hopping along right now. Utterly adorable. And then the mother bird, like flew down at my face. She's like, you get away from my baby. Then I told her, sometimes I eat baby birds, sometimes I don't. That's adorable. Well, this brings us to the end of our episode today, except for we got to put this into action, don't we? So let's go to your action step for today. Time for action. Action. Action. Your action step for today is to take those two words. What are they? What's the first one? Great. And what's the second one? I know, so simple, right? But that's what I believe is the most powerful stuff is the simplest stuff. The simplest stuff that we apply consistently transforms our lives, right? You know, like drink water, eat vegetables, move your body. Those are pretty simple guidelines. But if we do those consistently, our energy continues to raise. So these two simple words applied consistently can transform your life. So what I want you to do is obviously you can experiment with these, but one way to help you do that is going to be to write them down somewhere, you know, perhaps on a sticky note that you could put near your computer or something on your phone, a reminder that pops up. Anything that just will once or twice per day, just bring this into your awareness. Just one of those words sometimes and maybe. And then just remember to experiment with that, apply that. And it's, you know, the most powerful thing is to actually combine not just the word but, but with the kind of the gestures that I was describing, right? Like when you say maybe, you're like, really do something with your hands and your face and channel this young child and be like maybe. Or when you're saying the Sometimes I just really take the breath in between Sometimes I do this. Ah yeah. Sometimes I do that, sometimes I'm like this, sometimes I'm like that. I really breathe and pause. So it's not just the words, it's the whole sentiment, the whole energy behind it. Awesome. Thank you for being with me today on this glorious walk. Perhaps you've been in motion as you've been listening to this and until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. We'll talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free vlogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com. Sa.