Unconditional Self Acceptance

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon, welcome to Shrink for the Shy guy Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz. Hey everybody. Welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be diving into something that is extremely valuable for you. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your challenges you're facing, what goals you're moving towards, what your day to day circumstances are, this is of the most importance, the utmost importance, the utmost value. And I think you'll start to see why as we dive into it. It's all about unconditional self acceptance, which is something that is essential for confidence and usually the lack of that, the lack of that self acceptance is what's creating a lot of our fear, our self doubt and our social anxiety. So what is unconditional self acceptance? Is it realistic? How do we bring more of it into our lives? What will it do for me and specifically how to do it? That's what we're getting into in today's show. And what inspired me to create this is, as you might know, right now we have open enrollment for the Unstoppable Confidence Mastermind, which I mentioned in last week's show. We open enrollment only twice per year and it is a super powerful program. It's the most powerful thing that I offer. I love doing it. It's also my favorite thing, favorite program. Basically it's a year long program with just 10 people where we go on a journey from whatever's holding you back, fear, self doubt, anxiety in any area, to breaking free, to higher and higher levels of confidence, social confidence, you can talk to anyone, dating confidence, so you can create the relationships with the people that you want that inspire you and not settle. And business confidence, confidence at work, so you can, whether you're in a company and you want to be more of a leader and be able to speak up more and be noticed for your ideas, or you have your own business and you want to grow that bigger and bigger. I mean, that takes a ton of confidence too. And we have all those people working on each of those core areas in the Mastermind. And the core underlying piece is confidence though. And it's the same really whether it's in dating or business. I mean, some of the strategies are different, but the core beliefs that we help people transform are all the same. They're all around confidence. And the reason I wanted to do this episode is because unconditional self acceptance is probably the biggest thing that I help people with in that group, I mean, there's a ton of stuff about specifics around dating or how do I, you know, the beauty of the group is it's tailored to people's situations. So we, we dive deep, you know, on this person's dating life or this person, you know, how do I deal with my employees? Or how do I, you know, I spoke up in a meeting at work, which was good, but. But then I have so much fear afterwards and beating myself up cause I did it wrong. Those are the kind of scenarios. And then we dive in and man, more often than not it always comes back to this is self acceptance. And the people in the group have an intellectual idea like, oh yeah, it's probably better to love myself and accept myself than beat the crap out of myself. Sure. But how to do that and the art and the skill and the science of that is really what they master over the year. So that's what we're getting into in this episode and it relates to that group. So if you want to learn more about it and find out what's going on there, go to confidence unleashed now. Confidenceunleashednow.com mastermind it's confidenceunleashednow.com mastermind. You can also just go to this show's page, shrinkforthyguy.com shrinkforthshyguy.com and in the show notes for this episode, the there will be a link that link to click on so you don't have to remember it, but you'll go there. You can find out all the details. It's limited to just 10 people and we already have people enrolled already for this one. And the enrollment is just twice a year. So now would be the time to do it. If you've been like, eh, one day, maybe now is the day, I don't know, you'll see whatever works for you. But let's talk about you and unconditional self acceptance. Another way of saying unconditional self acceptance is just unconditional love for yourself accepting. Because you know, accepting yourself is part of loving yourself. And that's what we're really talking about today. So let's start with you reflecting on you. Unconditional self acceptance is exactly what the word means. Unconditional, as in no matter what I accept myself or no matter what I love myself. Now when you hear me say that or you imagine that no matter what, I'm gonna love myself or no matter what I do love myself or I do accept myself, what happens? Does that feel true for you? Does it feel not true Maybe not even whether it's true or not. In your experience, does that feel okay? Is that okay? Does part of you have a reaction to that? Like, wait a minute, that's not okay. That's bad. What if I do something bad? I shouldn't accept myself if I've done something bad or wrong, right? And we have this resistance to even the idea of it, even imagining doing it. We're like, I don't know about that. I don't know about. I don't know if that's all it cracks up to be. I'm not sure if I want to do that or not. And that's significant because we, if we don't, even if we're not even on board with the idea, then it's hard to learn how to make that a reality for you. Because here's the truth. We're going to get into creating unconditional self acceptance a bit more later in this episode. But here's the preview. It's a skill. It's not something that you just decide and then you're done forever. You have to learn how to do it. You have to rewire your brain. Because if you're like me and most people, we have years of conditioning, of just being terrible to ourselves. Highly critical, just harsh, exacting, perfectionistic. You're a failure. And a fuck up criticism in our heads that can come up from anything. From a social interaction, from a dating thing. They rejected me. They didn't like me. Oh, I said the wrong thing. Oh, they didn't laugh. Oh, that speech wasn't very good. Whatever the reason, my body doesn't look good. I mean, I could go on for hours here, right? Whatever the reason, most of us are conditioned to be very critical of ourselves. Even if we hide it from others, that's what's going on in our heads. And so we need to. It's an active process, it's an ongoing process to retrain our mind. The way we focus, the way we speak to ourselves in our head, the questions we ask ourselves, how we respond to our feelings and our emotions and the experiences and events in our life. The whole thing, it's a rewiring, it's a turning of a big ship, like one of those big, big aircraft carriers that's going in the ocean when they turn that sucker. It's not just like a 5 second and the thing's 90 degrees from where it was. No, it's a slow turn. And that's how it is for ourselves to create unconditional self acceptance and self love. So it's a process, and if you're not really sold on it, then it's hard. I mean, you're not gonna follow through with the steps, with actually doing it. So the first thing is getting on board with it and seeing if it is something that you want to commit to, if it is a good idea, you know, yes, I want to do it. And that means removing some of the fears and the doubts and the concerns that you might have. So what, what is it for you? If you completely accepted yourself, love yourself no matter what, forget about how. And if that's possible. But just like, let's say you could press a button and boom, you could have it. And that was your experience. Is there any hesitation, any reason you wouldn't want to press that button and dig a little deeper? Because sometimes you say, well, no, no, but then there is. There are reasons. We're just not aware of them. So just slow down, breathe. Is there any reason why I wouldn't want to love myself no matter what? What comes up for you? If there's any fear or angst or tension in your body about just imagining doing it, then that's an indication. There's probably some resistance there. So what is it? What is it for you? We're going to take a quick break. I want you to keep reflecting on this, and when we come back, I'm going to share what the most common forms of resistance are. How to shift and let them go, and then how to build unconditional self acceptance. So stay tuned. We'll be right back right after this. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to work directly with Dr. Aziz? After breaking free from shyness and social anxiety himself, he has now gone on to help thousands of men and women do the same. Here is what One client of Dr. Aziz has to say about his experience. When I thought about contacting Dr. Aziz, I was nervous because I wasn't 100% sure whether I really wanted to do this or no. But then I told myself that if I really want to make a change, then I have to give it my best. So that's why I went ahead and got in touch with Dr. Aziz and I'm so glad I did. This weekend has been a very transformational experience for me. I came in having no clue what to expect. And I've been able to kind of look into myself and, you know, see where I'm at, realize all the belief systems and stories that I tell myself and who I and really see myself for who I truly am. I've been able to go out and do stuff like I never thought I would be able to do. To get started on your journey towards lifelong confidence with Dr. Aziz, simply go to social confidencecenter.com coaching welcome back. So when you were thinking about it, any reasons why you wouldn't want to love and accept yourself no matter what? Here are some of the ones that I've noticed in myself and other people I think are very common. One is this idea that you if I love myself no matter what, if I did anything, then I'm gonna not be a very I'm just gonna do stuff that's not very good. Maybe I'll do stuff that's really selfish, or maybe I'm gonna do stuff that is hurting other people or is callous or uncaring with this idea that we're gonna just accept anything so we could end up doing anything. Maybe that's one that came up for you. Another one that comes up is, well, if I just love myself no matter what, maybe I'd become this really lazy, unmotivated person. Maybe I wouldn't do the thing. Maybe that lack of love is what's motivating me. So if you loved yourself even if you were 10 pounds overweight, well, maybe then I would just stay 10 pounds overweight or maybe shit, I'd become 20 pounds overweight because I love myself no matter what. Why not become 500 pounds overweight? And this idea that if I just love myself, then I'm not going to be motivated to get fit and get those washboard abs that I crave, right? So maybe there's some fear there that you're not going to achieve or succeed or get what you want. What else? Anything else that comes. Those are the two big ones that I found. There's something else for you. Think of it. Now I'm going to address those two right now though. So the first one that somehow you're going to be this bad kind of evil or out of control person who's taking advantage of others or not giving or anything like that. Total bullshit. Because here is the thing. When you are think about a time when you were in just a loving state. You just felt emotionally full. You were just. Maybe you were in love, you were in love with someone else. Maybe you loved what you did that day. Maybe you had so much fun, whether it was a joy free, fun activity like being at the river or playing a game that you love, a hobby that you enjoy, or maybe it was some work that you were doing, but it didn't feel like hard grinding Labor. It felt like you were in flow and you were creating or figuring things out or solving problems and things were cooking, you were feeling good and you were just full of love. Can you remember a time in your life where you were full of love? Could be a week ago, could be a day ago, it could be five years ago. Just think of it right now. Now when you're in that state and you're full of love, how good do you feel? That's right. You feel awesome. Right. How loving do you feel towards other people? Also awesome. Also big loving towards other people. You know. How much do you want to give to others? Immensely. How relaxed do you feel? How open do you feel? Extremely open. Right. So you know, I had this experience when I was in that like head over feels love phase. I've experienced that a couple times in my life. And you know, there's this sort of like glow that you have and you're like, hey shopkeeper, how goes it today? Haha. Right. And there's this like, it's just bubbling out of you. So this idea that I need to withhold love from myself and criticize myself and basically not love myself to make me more loving, to make me more generous, to make me more giving, it doesn't work. It really, really doesn't. In the short term, it might get you to do something via guilt or something like that, but it in the long term is not going to make you a magnanimous, a generous, a continually loving, giving, expanding person. You just can't, you can't sustain it. And even if you can outwardly look that way, you're gonna be burnt out and resentful inside. So the truth is that love generates more love. And you've probably seen this in relationships too. Have you ever been in a fight in a relationship? And here's the essence of all fights, by the way. In relationships, you know, both people don't feel heard or seen. Their needs aren't getting met and it's the other person's fault. And then you might even get off the topic really, and it just turns into, there's something wrong with me. You think there's something wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with me. There's something wrong with you. That's the core of all fights. And whether it's done in a. You know, my wife and I are very polite, calm people. We don't yell at each other. But it's just, you know, there's something wrong with me. Well, in my perception, I'm feeling like there's something wrong with you, you know, it's a little more calm and tailored. And then all the way up to people have fights where they're raging and screaming, there's nothing wrong with me. Something wrong with you. Right? And that's not literally what they're saying, but that's. The content could be summarized like that. So when you're in a fight and then maybe, you know, you're separated for a while, you're cooling off, they're in their room and you're outside or whatever, whether it's that night or the next day, and this could be with your partner, a family member, friend, whatever. At some point, doesn't someone have to, like, extend the olive branch of peace? I mean, if no one does, then you have those feuds that last for 20 years. I haven't talked to my brother in 18 years. I don't even remember why we're not talking to each other. But that bastard hasn't called me, so I'm not calling him. Right. And we hold onto that. And that's the essence of all that feud that can occur. And so one person to heal the relationship, to rebuild, one person's gonna come to the other person and like, kind of extend the elder branch. They might not start with an apology, especially if they have some pride, but, you know, their tone is different and they're, hey, let's talk about it. Or I see what you were saying, or maybe I'm sorry I said those things. And that's a loving act. And as soon as someone comes to you with that loving act, maybe even if you're not quite ready to forgive them, there's a little part of you that's like, ah, finally, okay, Right? And it feels good, even if outwardly you're like, yeah, well, I can't believe you said it, you know, really hurt, right? I wouldn't. I don't talk like that. That's not what I would say. I'm too macho for that. But anyway, when someone extends the love, we instantly melt, or start to. Right? So that's. Love generates more love. And it's the same thing when you treat yourself with more love. You'll experience more love. You'll be able to give more love. That's why that first story is total bs. The second one, about motivating yourself, man, what you're doing there, and I've done this for so many years, and I can still fall into this pattern if I'm not aware of it, is. It's like a carrot, you know, you have the carrot on the stick that they used to do this with donkeys, or at least in cartoons they did, they would have a stick tied to their. Along their back, and the stick would go out in front of their head, and then dangling down from the stick would be a carrot. And so the donkey's like, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, and walks towards the carrot. And I can't imagine that really worked in real life. Maybe it did. I don't know. Maybe someone who's worked with donkeys. Go to shrinkforthshyguy.com and send me a message, let me know. But we do that with ourselves, where the carrot is love. And it's like, I will give you love. When you've achieved blank. When you are £127 or £150, or when you have gotten that project, or when you've gotten a girlfriend or a husband, or when everyone laughs at your jokes all the time, or when you've achieved this amount of thing, or you've gotten to this level in your business, or you've earned this amount of money in your career, whatever it is, when you get there, then I'm gonna love you. That's what we do to ourselves. And this doesn't work because when you're trying to motivate yourself without love, you feel bad, you feel inadequate, you feel not enough. And when you're feeling not enough, are you performing at your highest? Are you taking big risks? Are you going after what you want? Are you approaching the people that you want? Are you really going for it? Going all out, taking, you know, just putting yourself out there? Or are you hiding? You're holding back, you're hesitating, you're procrastinating, you're waiting. I mean, our action. I call this optimal self coaching. I talk about this in the confidence code, in depth, but optimal self coaching is how we get ourselves to have optimal performance. And it is all about self, compassion and, you know, being honest with ourselves. We're not deluding ourselves. And looking in the mirror and let's say you're 20 pounds overweight and saying, I am in incredible shape. I never work out. And look at me, I'm in great shape. Right? It's like, no, you might be like, whoa, I'm not really taking care of my health that well right now, and I love you and it's okay. And let's talk, let's work together, you know, you and you. How can we solve this? And that part of your mind that's like, you're never gonna solve it, you're A fat pig. You shouldn't eat so much. That's the demon that you have to learn how to tame and work with in order to have unconditional self acceptance. And that's what I'm teaching you how to do right after this. So stay tuned. We'll take a quick break, and then we're gonna talk more about how to activate more love and self acceptance right now. Welcome back. So the fastest, most powerful way to generate unconditional self acceptance once we've removed the reasons you don't want to is to tame that inner critic. Because that inner critic is what creates the lack of self acceptance. When that critic is silent, you are accepting of yourself. In fact, if you're engaged in an activity, think about an activity you get really absorbed in, whether it's a game or work or a hobby or something, you get fully absorbed in it. Are you lacking self acceptance then? Now maybe you're fully absorbed, but you're also being like, ah, I fucked that one up. God, I suck. You know, Maybe. But, you know, let's say you're having a good time, you're feeling relaxed, you're in flow. Then in that case, you're not judging yourself. You're not even that aware of yourself. You're not observing yourself and evaluating. You're just in it. And your critic is quiet. And when we are experiencing a lack of self acceptance, that's because our critic is very active and we don't know how to effectively deal with him or her. However, the critic shows up in your mind, so it says, you suck, you're overweight, you're fat, or you didn't do that, right? Or everyone thinks you're pathetic. And we have all these strategies to deal with it that don't work. We kind of cower like, oh, shit, it's right. Or we fight it. Shut up, shut up and leave me alone, you meanie. Or we try anxiously to solve the problem. Oh, man. Everyone there was upset with me. Okay, what am I going to do? Should I say something? Should I talk about it tomorrow? And we ruminate about how we're going to fix it. And all of that is coming from the critic. And instead, we need to learn how to respond to that critic, how to deal with that critic. That's how you start to generate deep, unconditional self acceptance. And the most powerful way to deal with a critic is to communicate with it. Some people say, just ignore it. I don't know about you, but I find that very difficult. It's like you're, you know, that's what people. That's what parents. That's. My mom used to tell me, just ignore your brother. You know, it's like, dude, he's like hitting me with something. Why don't we just ignore him? You can't just ignore him, right? I need to do something. And it's the same thing with this. And just like someone who's kind of hitting you with something, sometimes there can be some force in it. Like, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, slow down. That's not okay to talk to me that way. But then you're dialoguing with him. You're communicating what's going on, what's underneath, what is the cause. Here's the thing, and I talked about this in other episodes, but the critic is always afraid. He's always afraid of losing something, of being hurt. And he's trying to beat you into being different so that it doesn't happen. And your job is to find out what he's afraid of, to talk with him, to give the critic love too. And that's where that real power of unconditional self acceptance opens up, is you're loving yourself as you are, and you're loving the critic. And there's so much more than we can get into in this episode. You can start with the confidence code, yourconfidencecode.com I'm talking about this in my books, both books. The Solution to Social Anxiety and the Art of Extraordinary Confidence. And I honestly think the most powerful way to really master this would be to do some deep work on it. The mastermind is one way to do that. There's other ways. You could find a counselor or something. But I. I know that the stuff that I do, I've seen it be very powerful and effective for people. So if you're interested in that, go to the confidence unleashednow.com mastermind. But whatever it is, you gotta get clear that that's what you want to do. In fact, actually, let's turn this into your action step. Time for action. Your action step for today is to get clear and decide that you want to unconditionally accept yourself. See if there's any other obstacles that I didn't address, anything getting in the way about why you wouldn't want to. But get clear, like, this is what I want to do. Because then once you set that as your compass, then you. Then it reminds you, you are of a stronger commitment to it. You're much more likely to do it. So then when you notice yourself beating yourself up, you'll be like, oh, Wait. Oh, I don't. I don't want to do that. Now, whether you can instantly stop the critic or not, that depends upon where you're at, your skill, how you're feeling in that moment, your awareness level, all those things. But just that guiding principle of I don't want to beat myself up anymore, I want to be on my own side. That is a super important first step. And that's why that is your action step for today. So go ahead and rock that rock more and more love and unconditional acceptance for yourself. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level, you that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Azeez. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com it.