Understanding Masculine and Feminine Energy

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you, I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of the show. Today is going to be extremely valuable for you. You're going to learn a ton about yourself, about your love life, and about whoever it is that you date, whoever you're interested in, whoever you're drawn to, you're gonna understand human attraction on a much deeper level than before listening to this episode. So I'm really excited to share this with you, in fact. So what we're gonna be talking about is the mechanics of attraction and particularly what draws people together romantically, not just as a friend or business relationships, but particularly that charge, what people often describe as chemistry romantic. Going to do a deep dive into that subject. So you understand what creates that. And the cool thing about this is the more you understand this, the more you'll be able to create that in your life, in your love life, in your dating life, in your current romantic relationship and in your future romantic relationships. And it's very liberating. And when I first learned this stuff, it was very illuminating. It was like, oh, yeah, how come no one ever told me this before? But that's true for a lot of things, right? Like we get an education in addition, subtraction and basic mathematics, writing, reading, writing and arithmetic kind of thing. And then most of life, whether it's human relations, romantic, taking risks in life, how to handle your emotions, how to express your emotions, all of those core skills we're not taught. But that's what you're doing here, getting yourself a little education on the side. So the reason I want to record this episode is because we, when I taught this at one of my events in the fall each year, I do unlimited dating and relationship confidence. And that's a three day immersive event in Portland, Oregon. And when I taught this particular segment, it was cool because I had Candace, my wife, she was co teaching part of the event with me and she was up there during that segment on the stage working with me, and we were sharing and people got the perspective of both, and it was extremely insightful for people. We got a lot of positive feedback around it. And so one of the coaches on my team was like, well, why don't you share some of that in a podcast? Like, that was really valuable for me. So in this episode, we're talking about masculine and feminine energy and that you're going to understand what that means on a deeper level and how that creates attraction. So here we go. I'll say one other thing. I'm going to do what I can in this podcast to really illuminate it for you. If you want to go much, much deeper, then check out Confidence University, because in there there is a whole course dedicated to dating, mastery and relationships. And we cover this stuff and way more in depth. Like, I have hours of content just on attraction connection, how to bring out your attractiveness, how to mature in your energy, masculine and feminine energy, so that you become more attractive to other partners and so much more. And then the boldness of how to actually do this all. So it's not just the theoretical. So go to theconfidenceuniversity.com to go much deeper. But I'm going to jam pack everything I can in here. I'm not going to hold anything back. There's no special secrets or something. It's just we're limited by time, so let's get into it. In people, there's an energy moving through all of us, and we use words like masculine and feminine just because that's the best pointers that we have. But basically, there is inside of you and me and everyone, every man and woman and anyone who's transgender. It doesn't matter what the sex gender is. There is masculine energy and feminine energy inside of you, and they each have different qualities. Just like you can have, say, a playful energy, like a little kid and excited playful energy, or a more serious kind of directed energy of maybe a focused sports athlete or something like that. Just the way the energy moves through someone creates a very different set of behaviors. It feels very different to be around a playful kid versus a focused sports figure, right, who's someone who's really focused on their craft. And so energy changes behavior, but we feel it and we respond differently to it. Just like you respond differently to that silly kid than you do to, like, your serious boss. So let's talk about masculine and feminine energy and what these qualities are. And I'll just say that when I say masculine and feminine energy, I don't mean men and Women, necessarily. So it's not like, well, men only have masculine energy and feminine only have. Women only have feminine energy. That's actually not true. You're a mixture of both of these energies. And if someone only has masculine energy, there's some pitfalls with that. We'll talk about that in a minute. Same thing. If someone has only feminine energy and no masculine, there's some pitfalls with that. So you need a balance between the two, between your masculine and feminine side. And though each person tends to have a predominant. Some people are super in the middle and you have like 50, 50, but most people, it's way more. It's like 80, 20. You have like a dominant mode of being, a type of energy that wants to move through you most consistently. And that's your center of gravity. And oftentimes for men, they're 80, 20. Masculine, feminine, there are more masculine energy than feminine energy. And oftentimes for women, they are more feminine and have a smaller amount of masculine energy moving through them. Again, that's not always true. There are some cases where men have more feminine energy, a lot more nurturance coming through them, a lot less of that goal directed, driven ness. But that's not the majority, I would say. And then of course, this also applies to people who are. It doesn't matter if you're lesbian, gay, bisexual, if you're transgender, like, you still have a dominant energy, and you might be fluid, you might be 50, 50 in terms of having both, but generally you're gonna have a dominant energy. And that's why in gay or lesbian pairings, there tends to be a more. Say a lesbian couple is gonna be a more feminine quality, and then there's gonna be the more masculine partner in those relationships. And that's what creates that sexual attraction. Otherwise, it's just friendship. And so why do these energies create sexual attraction? It's like. Well, it's kind of like the term that is used by David Data and other teachers of this is polarity, which is describing the charge in magnetism or in batteries, where you have two opposite poles that influence each other. So if you put a negative and a positive magnet together, they'll click and they'll fall right in line. They'll get drawn towards each other and they can repel each other if they're the same charge and also if what more often is the case is that there's just no charge. People are not fully embodying their energy, and so they don't have. People aren't as attracted to them. So let's get into what the qualities are, because knowing this will help you. Because if you're anything like me, you think that the attractiveness that you. How attractive you are is due first and foremost to your appearance. And if you look a certain way, then you're going to be hot, or then you're going to be desired or you're going to be. Some people are going to want to date you and you're going to have options in your dating life. And if you don't look a certain way, then you're screwed. And that is unfortunately the byproduct of the culture that we grow up in. The excessive exposure to media and unrealistic images and toxic messages about your worth being equated with your appearance and that your attractiveness is equated with your appearance. And actually more of your attractiveness is determined by these qualities than your appearance. Another way of saying that is if you think, oh, okay, by societal standards, I'm not, I don't look like a model, or I'm not attractive in that way, or I'm a little overweight, you might say, well, I got no chance. But actually, if you look exactly how you look now, but you exude more masculine energy or more feminine energy, you will become more attractive than if you cosmetic surgery or something to fit the standard more. So I'm not saying appearance has nothing to do with anything because there is something about people are drawn to certain features or certain body types, although it's very different for everybody. And also on top of that, people are drawn in general to health and vibrancy. So if you're not taking care of your health and some of your appearance is due to like a lack of care for yourself, a lack of taking care of what you eat and how you move your body and your just kind of like, bleh, whatever, like that's going to reduce attractiveness too, as well as physically. It's going to have a negative impact as well. So it's really about these energies. And what are these energies? So when I say masculine qualities of masculine energy, what are some of the things you first think of what pops in your mind? You can be a man or a woman listening to this. It doesn't matter what pops into your mind. Good. And it depends upon how influenced maybe by stereotypes. But some of the typical qualities are not necessarily masculine energy. They're just again, societal norms that are passed on. So maybe people think of things like being really aggressive or hunting or sports or some other quality of lifestyle, like this is how you got to be in order to be a man. This is how you are and we're going to go deeper than that. So if that's what's poppin into your head, that's interesting to note, maybe you have some expectations for yourself if you're a man. But here are the energy qualities that really are true masculine energy, not societally determined stereotypes of how you're supposed to live. So one of the core qualities of masculine energy is it is goal directed. It's focused on the task at hand and directed energy. And it's not only focused on the task at hand, it's focused on the outcome. It's like, how do we get from. Okay, we're at A and we want to get to D. How do we get from A to D? What's the best way to do that? Let's plan that out. Let's take action on that action. The energy of like mobilizing and getting into action, targeting a result, going after it, that's all masculine energy. And in that there's this striving, there's like trying to break through. And as a result, when there's an obstacle or a challenge, masculine energy will kind of rise up to that challenge. And that's where you can get aggressiveness or competitiveness or other things like that. But that's not necessarily the only way that masculine energy can rise to a challenge. Right, but masculine energy responds to a challenge. There's a block, there's an obstacle. Hey, listen, I got to get to D. And this is getting in my way. How do I break this down? How do I overcome it? How do I do whatever it takes to get there? In addition, it's like masculine energy is trying to get to that endpoint, to release, to empty. It's like trying to break through to what might be a sense of ultimate freedom from the burdens of life, even at times from the burdens of relationship. Just like trying to empty and let go. And what's really interesting, if you try to make sense of these things, because I know talking about energy and these qualities can sometimes seem a little. It's not as concrete as some of the things that I teach in a world of psychology, which is not concrete in any case, but I try to make stuff as concrete as possible. But with these energies, it's a little harder to do. So I'm going to give you something to think about, which is to help understand masculine and feminine energy in its most simple way. Think about the act of sex between a man and a woman. The man is like trying to the orgasm is like trying to release and empty and be free. And in the feminine is like receptive, receiving, opening, taking in. So that's part of the masculine energy is like, I'm breakthrough. Get to this result and ultimately we fall all the way down. Like, masculine energy is about, like, let me get to the end, let me get to death. And that could be, you know, the ultimate end result. Another quality of masculine energy is centered. So that includes solidity in the body. They're here, they're present, they're solid in their physical presence, their body, they're grounded. And with that can come stability and the sense of, like, unwavering. And that's most powerful in the masculine energy when it's like, unwaveringly focused on purpose, unwavering purpose. Like, the more you are on purpose and know your purpose, whether it's a big life purpose and a mission or even in that moment. My purpose here is to take care of this person, or my purpose here is to make sure that this event runs smoothly. Or my purpose here is blank and you know your purpose, even if it's just a conversation. Like, my purpose here is to get to know this person and connect and have fun, whatever it is. If you know your purpose, the masculine energy is more grounded and more able to be more present. In addition, the masculine energy wants to be acknowledged and appreciated. Acknowledged for what he has done, or if a woman is embodying the masculine energy, she wants to be acknowledged for what she's done, admired, told that he is doing well. That lights the masculine energy up and, like, fuels it to keep going. Acknowledged for his achievements. And then of course, the responding to challenge part that I mentioned earlier, but as a result, can be really drawn to competition. Loves competition to create those challenges and break through. And I don't know if you relate to this if you're a man or have masculine energy a lot. I love competition. And I'll notice if I'm playing a game, like, I'll be playing a game with one of my little kids, and they're really young. And some, you know, we do a lot more cooperative games at that age. Just so it's not like from day, you know, age two, they're like, this is how you win, son. You know, it's like. But there's a natural draw to competition. I'm not against all competition. I think some competition is really healthy. I think there's a toxic level of competition where people get really fixated on winning and they feel like a failure if they don't Win and shame and anger and all that stuff. So we're trying to set a more reasonable foundation. So we're playing these cooperative games with the kids. And you know, my son's like 4 and he wants to change the rules and do all this stuff and I'll just go along with it. But inside like the masculine energy in me is like, we gotta, we gotta make this shit competitive, alright? Four year old he, here's how we're gonna do it, right? And I remember the same thing. I'd be playing ping pong with my brother, we had a couple year period when I was in high school. We had our own ping pong table in the garage and I'd be playing ping pong with him and we'd just be rallying for a while and we're like, yeah, this is alright, this is good, this is okay. And then when the game started, then it was fun, then it's like, all right, here we go. Now we're keeping score, right? So if you notice that competitiveness in you, I wouldn't, I don't think that's a problem. I think it's part of masculine energy. So what might be some of the pitfalls though of masculine energy? You know, because I talked about it's possible to have too much of something like if we're not balanced. And so here are some of the challenges with masculine energy is you're just way too in your head, too intellectual. You try to staying in concepts and trying to understand everything and figure it out with your mind and not necessarily being able to get more into the experience of things because that's more feminine quality, be more process oriented. As a result you can become disconnected from your body, from your senses. It's all about getting the outcome. It doesn't matter what I feel, what's happening inside, what other people are feeling, just get to the outcome. And so along with that there can be way too much striving, too competitive, too outcome oriented. This can manifest also in a lack of feminine energy. And just hyper masculinity can lead to an inability to even really be with feelings because feelings are just this impediment to getting to my objective. And so your feelings or even other people's feelings and there's this quality of like not having time for it, being impatient with it and then even just trying to fix other people's feelings. And this is a very common dynamic in male female relationships where the female or more feminine partner often wants to share and be seen and be heard. And a man's Like, I've heard enough. I've heard six minutes of this. I know the solution to your problem. Just do X, Y and Z at work and A, B and C with your sister and that problem's solved. And that problem's solved. What do you got? You know? And they're like, it didn't work. She's upset. Not only is she still upset with the two issues in her life, and now she's upset with me. What? What did I do? I got all the answers right. And that's just because it's not about having the answer to the problem. Although there can be a time for effective problem solving, but there needs to be a space and a feeling of being with the person. That's what she's looking for. So one other quality challenge that comes with masculine energy is because there's that drive to just get to the end and release and let go. There can be a quality of wanting to let go of that responsibility and then doing so too early. And if there's not more maturity in the masculine energy, then we can let go too easily and too soon from those relationships. And so it can be kind of going from relationship to relationship and not really having any responsibility to what you're doing. That could be work, that could be romantic, that could be friendships. So these are some of the challenges of masculine energy. And just notice what you're learning about yourself as you listen to this. Maybe you're reflecting on you, your partner, other people, you know, this helps kind of give you X ray vision on how people operate. Okay, so now we're going to get into feminine energy. And again, I'm jamming as much as I can here. If you're kind of like, wait, what's happening? And how does this all apply? Like, again, I'm just going to reference Confidence University. That's the place to go. This is directly drawn from some of the material that I teach in one lesson of Confidence University. And just to give you a sense of the scope of this university, this is from one course called Dating Mastery, but it's really dating and relationships because we go way beyond, like, you know, just how to date and have sex. But like, how do you really create an extraordinary relationship? And if you're already in a relationship, how do you increase the chemistry, the attraction, make it last, make it better and better every year? It's all covered in that course here. We've covered about less than half of what's in one lesson. And the lessons, let's see here, in Dating Mastery, I think there's 46 or 48 lessons, something like that. And every lesson has an action step, too. So that's just one course. Inside of Confidence University. There's four on Social Mastery and Career Acceleration and the Ultimate Confidence Foundation. So it's just a wealth of information. I don't think it's part of the best thing out there in terms of growing your confidence. Very systematically designed. So, yeah, check that out. Go to TheConfidenceUniversity.com if you want to go further with this stuff. But let me give you more about the qualities of feminine energy so you can get an understanding of that side of the spectrum. So if masculine energy is more goal oriented, outcome oriented, feminine energy is more flow oriented. That means it's flexible and responsive to the needs in the moment, it's more fluid. So here's a basic example. I see this all the time. I'm with the boys, our two kids. And so when you're with little kids, you want to have a mixture of both energies. But feminine energy tends to be more nurturing than masculine energy. Right. It's more space for feeling. And so my wife has a lot more feminine energy than me. And so I'll be with the boys and I'm helping them out. Like they want a smoothie or whatever. So I'm like, okay, I'm making. First I'm going to finish my smoothie and then I'll make your smoothie and we're going to do this thing. Okay, there we go. I got my objectives, and then I'm working on the smoothie. And of course, three seconds later, after the smoothie request, they're like, but now I want this other thing. And, daddy, help me with this. And my wife is a lot better about like, okay, you need that. Okay, I'm gonna pause the smoothie. I'm gonna come over here and help you guys deal with this fighting over the toy thing. And then we're gonna go back and she's more fluid and responsive to whatever's needed. And it's very graceful. You know, sometimes she gets stressed and then it's less graceful. But when she's in her centered in her feminine energy, smooth flow, whereas me, it's either. It's basically like, I'm getting this smoothie done. Like, you wanted the smoothie, we're get the smoothie. You guys are fighting, okay? They'll sort it out. And then if it escalates to, like, bad enough, then I'm like, fine, fine, I'll stop this smoothie. But then I come in, I'M like, dudes, dudes, you said you want the smoothie, you still want the smoothie or what? Like, it's very outcome oriented. So the responsiveness, the fluidness of the feminine energy is different than that. It's also process focused. So living in the moment as it is, really, there's an immersion in the experience. That's why the feminine energy is a lot more sensual. Feeling the senses, you know, like tasting whatever the food is, tasting the chocolate, smelling the air, being really in that moment, really take drinking in the moment in its entirety is about feminine energy as well. And so if the masculine energy is about emptying, the feminine energy is like trying to fill up, wants to fill up with love, attention, energy, focus. There's also a quality of it being more open. Feminine energy is a lot more open because it's not like, okay, we're going from A to D. It's just like, hey, we're just here experiencing this. There's a freedom to it, a flowingness to it. As I mentioned earlier, it's full of, of life and of energy and it just moves. So like, if you think about things just changing and moving, like think about the weather. So in one day, especially here in Portland, Oregon, one day we can have sun and then it can start to rain, then we can have a downpour and then a lightning storm and then more sun and then gets overcast all in one day. That's even more if you live in like the tropics or something. So all of that can happen and there's like this quality of just like the moving of emotions, the moving of energy in the feminine. And this creates more, this can create tension in, in masculine feminine dynamics because the man is like, wait, you were feeling X earlier, so you're feeling X, right? And you're probably feeling X because of A, B and C. I got it all figured out in my head. And meanwhile it's like an hour later and she's not feeling X anymore. She's no longer angry or she's no longer sad. Like that was an hour ago and now it's a whole different set of feelings. And the man is very confused. He's like, but why? I mean, what's changed? And there's a very something that opens up in terms of the romantic relationship. If, let's just say in this case the one with more masculine energy is the man. The man is able to listen to the woman and hear the emotion and be with her, but not try to like deduce exactly where it's coming from. And why and how to fix it and that you don't even need to fix it. Just like hearing it and providing empathy. Yeah, yeah, that is painful with your sister. What's happening right now. If I was having that kind of fight with my sister and my brother, that would really hurt. How are you dealing with it? There's no solution there. Right? It's just empathy. And then she'll open up even more. And this is. You can do this with male friends too. This isn't like, I mean, this is a quality of nurturing. It's listening, it's feminine. And it is a very important quality to have now in my training as a therapist, one of the earliest trainings they had us do was Rogerian therapy. Very client centered, very passive, very following, very feminine. And you're just nurturing them. You're just beaming unconditional positive regard and nurturing energy at them and reflecting back and everything. That was our first training in how to be a therapist. And so I learned that and it was really good for me to develop those qualities. I would do that with people. I would find though, that if I did many therapy sessions, like even one therapy session like that, but especially multiple in a day, I feel like I was going crazy. It was like, because it wasn't my nature, it was like, yeah, I do have a strong feminine capacity that I can be super nurturing with my boys and very empathic and a great listener and nurturing with other people in that role, that kind of supporter, helper role. But if that's all I'm doing, I am like crawling out of my skin because I also have this masculine driving me that wants to solve problems, move ahead. And that's where I created a lot, you know, moved from therapy into coaching a lot more goal directed behavior, like, what are our outcomes? And now I remember at first that was like hard to do with my original therapy clients because they're like, I don't have a goal. I just want to come here and venture. And I was like, it burns. And now it's just like goal mania. Like in the Mastermind program that I run, I get to design it from scratch, right? So we have people have their top five year, the top five goals for the year that they come in with. And we help them figure that out and get clarity and decide. And then we all have quarterly targets. So every three months we're saying, what's the primary focus for you for these next three months? It's not the only thing you're going to do, but it's One of the main things that you want to change, is it something in your life? Is it some relationship you have with yourself and is it your social life? Do you want more friends by the end of three months? Do you want to end this relationship that you're in? You want to be dating more? Do you want to change something in your career? Do you want to become more assertive at work? Like, what is your target for the next three months now, in the service of people reaching that goal when they share a problem or we're doing hot seat coaching in the mastermind, I will listen. And the coaches that are training with me kind of observe how I work with people and we discuss and we talk about it in their supervisions. What they all highlight is that when I'm working with someone, I listen and ask lots of questions before I offer any guidance, typically. And that's more that receptive feminine energy. Because they need to be heard, they need to feel like they're being heard and I need to find out more. So I'll listen, I'll ask questions, I'll reflect, I'll receive, receive, receive. But then if I don't off the other side, which is like, okay, here's how we're going to break through, here's what we're going to do. And of course, sometimes it's just receiving is what's needed being witnessed. But oftentimes we want to come in with the masculine energy as well. So this applies to if you're helping out a friend or you're listening to your spouse or someone sharing a challenge with you, you want to start with a receptivity and that's the feminine energy. And then you come in with maybe more solutions and problem solving as well. So if the masculine energy wants to be admired, the feminine energy wants to be understood, doesn't necessarily want to be praised. And she might be praised for, like, who she is, but not like, you did great job, you know, yeah, you won, you're the best, you're top of the chain, food chain. The man's like, yeah, that's right, I'm number one. Whereas she wants to be understood, wants to be deeply seen, witnessed in all her aspects and accepted for who she is. And whereas in the masculine energy, it might be more challenge, responds to challenge and gets competitive, the feminine energy responds to closeness and is looking for cooperation, thrives on being together and relationship, communication, community. Let's do this together as a pack. So can you see how you need both energies in your life, in your relationships, even in businesses so we're just at the end of time here almost. But some of the core challenges that can come up for feminine energy is, you know, it's possible to be too nurturing, not having enough boundaries, just like, yeah, I'll give, we can keep giving, giving, giving, giving, giving. That's like the downside of the feminine energy and that's influenced by how mature the feminine energy is. Well, that's something else we can get into in a future episode. And definitely inside of Confidence University, it's possible also to have too much sort of process focus, too much feeling focused, where it's like gets so lost in the feeling, you're just kind of floating in it for hours or days. And there's no masculine energy to like. Okay, now we need to do something to help us get through this or get to the other side of this. Good. And there's so much more here that we want to get to. But I want to leave you before we do with an action step. Time for action, action, action. So your action step for today is to just really take all this in. This is a dense podcast. You may want to listen to this again at some point to really get in the information because it will serve you and then just start looking around like lotus in yourself. What energy do I tend to be drawn to more? What do I think my dominant energy is? Because a lot of the time people's dominant energy, they haven't even been feeling it because they've been suppressing it. So there's men who are more dominantly masculine energy, but they learn that that's aggressive, that's bad, that's wrong. They feel shamed for being that way. So they've kind of really softened and turned into approval seeking nice guys. And they don't have much masculine energy exuding out of them. Not because it's not there, it's because it's been dampened and being restrained. And then there's just no polarity, there's no charge with women. And they're like, I don't know why they don't want to go on a second date with me. That was my exact experience. So first I was terrified to approach women. Then when I overcame that, I started to approach them more. But I would have this, like, they would, yeah, just not be. They'd talk to me. They maybe even go on a date with me. But then it would just be like, eh, whatever, I don't want anymore. There's no charge there. And that's because I was just nice and pleasing and looking for Approval and my masculine energy was very dampened. Similarly, there are women who have a more dominant feminine energy who feel they got shamed for that. You feel too much, don't feel too much. Get more like, just be more like a man. And maybe the mom communicates that, maybe the dad communicates that when they're kids. And they don't say like that, be more of a man. But they like get frustrated with feeling or with flow or with cooperation. They want them to be more competitive, more goal directed, just do it. Just reach the target. And then they learn that that's bad. And so then they put on this shell of masculine energy. And sometimes that might be needed in a certain workplace environment. There can be like an intense kind of masculine driven corporate culture, maybe even unhealthy masculine energy, competitiveness. That's too far. And the lack of feeling and empathy. And so. But the women put on the masculine shell to succeed in that environment. But then it's hard to take it off at home and be feminine and be open and trust in a partner. And that's a common pattern as well. Women that are very powerful in their careers have a hard time taking that armor off and being the more receptive feminine energy. So these are just some potential dynamics. I want you to think about your own experience, what's my core essence? And then live it more, just let it out more, and it will feel really good. And I've talked about this with a lot of people and we've gotten feedback from people I shared this with after the live event and from Confidence University. And even within like a day or two of practicing this, people report like, wow, I feel so much better. And this can handle a lot of confidence issues too, because a lot of the time for men who might be like, oh, I'm feeling so nervous here. I don't believe in myself here. It's like, well, yeah, because you're not rooted in your own power and your own masculine energy. And when you are, when you do, boom, a lot just starts to happen. So discover your essence, live it more, and see what happens. Thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence. Go to social confidencecenter.com. It.