Unusual Cures For Social Anxiety #2 ­ Burning Man

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon. Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy, Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz.

Hey, welcome to another episode of Shrink for the Shy Guy. I'm excited to be with you today because we're hanging out and we're going to be talking about something that's near and dear to my heart, which is a festival out in the desert in Nevada called Burning Man. And I'm going to share some stories about my experience there and how it was a powerful, transformational place for me to really shed a lot of social fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, and become more and more bold, free and confident. And I'm excited to share some of these stories. Some are fun, some are fascinating. Somewhere embarrassing and we'll dive right into it. And if you want to go deeper, go to facebook.com SocialConfidence and we'll be posting a lot more there in terms of episodes and updates. And it's a great way to stay connected. And you can also go to shrinkforthshyguy.com shrinkforthyguy.com youm can find out about the show about me. You can get yourself a copy of my e book, five Steps to Unleash youh Inner Confidence. So a ton of good stuff there and that will help you continue your learning. So let's talk about Burning Man. This is the second in a little series I was doing called Unusual Cures for Social Anxiety. This is number two, Burning Man. And again, because I'm using the word cure and my background is in psychology and clinical psychology, I have to put the caveat or disclaimer in here that this is no way intended to actually be a cure for anything. That's a clever and fun title. I believe it helped me grow tremendously out of social anxiety. But this is in no way designed to diagnose or treat or cure any mental health or medical condition. That is definitely not something you should be listening to this show for. This show is for entertainment because I'm so entertaining. So first of all, what is Burning Man? I mean, it's gotten a lot of fame in the last, whatever, five, six years. It's gotten bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger. So many people have heard of it, but. But in case you have not, it is a gigantic gathering and festival out in near about two hours north of Reno in a salt flat, which just means completely flat. Like think where they used to do, I don't know, where they test how fast a rocket can go. You know, this one big open space that's kind of the place that you would go to. So totally flat. And tens of thousands of people. I think, I don't know what they capped it at 60,000. Maybe it's more people from all over the world come there for the event itself is seven days, seven or eight days. And of course they're doing prep work there for months and then cleanup afterwards for months. But it is, I mean people build a temporary city. Crazy structures and tents and RVs. There's like dirt, dirt streets where people are on bikes. In between there are your vehicle you drive in with, but then you basically park it. And there's almost no vehicles moving around except for what are called art cars which are approved vehicles that have to be badass enough to go around in this area. And they're basically are. I mean some of them look like 20 foot tall, 30, 40 foot long pirate ships. They convert like two buses into this massive pirate ship. And some are smaller and people can drive around or get transported around on them. So very few vehicles other than those, lots of biking and walking. And the city is in a semicircle where in the center think of like the letter C. That's the shape of the city. So all of the people are on the sea. And then in between, from the top to the bottom of the sea is just gigantic open space. And right in the middle there is a man. And yes, they burn the man. There's an interesting history there that I'm sure you could look up on Wikipedia. But they burned the man on the second to last day of the event. They burn a lot of stuff. They have a thing called the temple which they burn. I mean this is like an extremely intricate, huge multi story. Many day to build it. I mean many months to build all the pieces, structure and then they assemble it over several days. Huge amounts of energy going into something that's going to be burned, which is fascinating. So that kind of gets you a sense. If you want to go to. I'm sure there's like videos and images and stuff you could look online to get a better sense of Burning Man. I think there's even some documentaries too. So that'll just give you kind of a visual sense of where this all takes place. And it's the middle of a desert and it's hot and then it gets cold at night. So you gotta have a lot of gear. Everyone brings in all of your own water, all of your own food. People share with each other, but there's no money there's no money being exchanged and you can't buy anything. So you gotta bring in your own stuff. So that is the context or the container that all this stuff happens. And then, well, what do people do there? Well, during the day there are hundreds of like personal growth interesting, fun workshops and little talks and activities ranging from, I went to a lot of the personal growth stuff. But there is, I mean, there's kind of like, you know, study your chakras or raise your consciousness or learn about this or that, or there is, you know, come do finger painting here, you know, kind of fun stuff. Or come learn about like how to be a better lover or, you know, whatever dominatrix training or something like that. Like kind of whatever you want in the sexual realm, whatever you want in the personal growth realm. Anything that you want to learn about, you can go learn about it from different people. There a lot of hanging out during the day as well. And then all night is just massive music, tons and tons of huge areas that are pumping out insane electronic bass all night long, which is incredible. So that's what people do there as well as a lot of other things. So what is the purpose of it? What do they focus on? What did I get out of it? Well, there's a couple of core tenants, I suppose, or philosophies that are encouraged there. One is called radical self expression. So as opposed to dominant kind of main or normal culture, it's sort of like, well, don't express yourself. But radical self expression, you know, could be interpreted as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else is the idea. It can be interpreted in a lot of different ways, but it could be in costumes, people wear how people dress. It's the kind of place where if you were to dance on like a corner of one of the streets, which are just little dirt, you know, roads, right? But if you were to dance on a corner instead of being laughed at or looked at kind of strangely, but no one, you know, is kind of, what's that person doing? People would like run out of their tents and start dancing with you. Like that's the kind of energy of this place. It's like expression is affirmed and encouraged. So what I found extremely empowering about this is that there were endless opportunities to practice social interaction, practice approaching groups of people, practice approaching women. And of course it's like any social setting, you're not approved of or welcomed in all the time by everyone. But the environment there is much more open, interested, positive than in day to day life. And you know, people are There, they're away from their lives. So they're on vacation. Right. They're having more fun. They're more open. So we're gonna take a quick break right now, and when we get back, I'm gonna share some specific stories of what I did there. Ways I challenged my edge, ways that I. Things that I did that were, you know, some stuff that I did not expect that happened was pretty amazing, and many more. So stay tuned. We'll be right back right after this.

What is it?

Hi, Nerd King. I'm so glad I finally got a chance to talk with you. I need your help bad. Mmm.

Hang on. I am chatting with two hotties headed for Comic Con.

Uh, okay.

Okay. That's enough for now. I shall leave them wanting more. What is your question? If you do, in fact, have one.

Okay. There's this group of three guys, and they keep teasing me. They push me, they make fun of me. They do it all the time, especially in front of the popular girls. It makes me look terrible. I hate it. I need to know what to do. Nerd King.

Hmm, I see. Are these men perhaps taller than you?

Yes.

More muscular?

Yes.

Better looking?

Yes.

Hmm. It's worse than I thought.

So what do I do?

Silence. I am assessing your situation. Okay. Possibility four against one.

Three.

And then there's two. And then better looking. Hmm. Okay, I've got it. Here is what you must do if you want to vanquish this band of ruffians. You must go into a nearby forest and creep slay rats and bears to acquire gold and items until you have reached level six. What is your level six power spell?

My. My power spell?

Ah. Amateur. Hang on, I'll look it up. Yes. Oh, here it is.

Ooh.

Ring of Fire. Better than I anticipated. All right, once you have reached level 6, charge your ring of Fire spell. Gather in a group of four of your friends. Making a team of five, five versus three will have much better odds. Of course. Have your friends wait in the forest. Make sure two of them have range. Weapons.

Range weapons?

Yes. Bows, ice arrows, Magic missiles. For the love of Galaxia, stay with me, man.

Okay. Okay.

Next, go by yourself and attract the attention of this band of ruffians. Be sure to look weak and helpless. Shouldn't be too hard for you to pull off. Okay. As they move towards you, run towards the forest.

Run.

And. And when they follow you in, you and your friends will gank them. Hit them with everything you've got. Use your Ring of Fire.

Okay. So attack them in the woods and.

Burn them Are you deaf as a telosian bat? Yes. Hit them with everything. They will think twice before messing with you again.

Wow. What a great plan. Thank you so much, Nerd King.

My wisdom is obvious. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a League of Legends tournament starting in five minutes. I must prepare for battle by reading the online FAQ twice. Good day, sir.

But I have one more.

I said good day.

Are you tired of feeling less than and inferior? Are you tired of people deriding you or making fun of you in subtle ways at work or elsewhere in your life? It's time to take charge of this and raise your self esteem. And as you respect yourself more, other people will too. And you're going to learn how to how to handle when people are being jerks. In order to get this confidence, you need to transform your self esteem and improve your social skills. Go to www.yourconfidencecode.com to find out exactly how you can do this starting today. Yo, welcome back. So one thing that was extremely liberating for me was, as I said, it was like an all night, everywhere you want to go, incredible music, dance party. And there's just, you know, tent or base area after base area that's set up. Some are indoor, some are outdoor. And by indoor I mean within like a big dome. And so many opportunities to dance. And that was really good for me because I had, you know, for much of my life, I was very, very uncomfortable dancing. And then I started going to raves as I mentioned in a previous episode. And that helped me open up. But this was different because there was just so much of it. Right? A rave is like one evening. This is like day after day. And there's music during the day too in some places. And I remember one moment that was where I really got something that shifted everything for me around dancing. And there was this dj, it was a small dome and there was probably not even that many people, maybe like 20 people that there. And he was playing some music and it was awesome. And I was getting more and more free, more and more able to just move how I wanted to move and dance how I wanted to dance. And there was a guy who was like sitting on the side kind of watching everyone. And I remember when I first started, I was imagining that he was judging me, which I'm sure you've experienced. Right when we feel uncomfortable dancing, we're imagining that certain people or everyone is, is watching us and judging us. And so I had that happening. But I was like, look, I'm not gonna Let that hold me back. I'm just gonna keep doing my thing and keep dancing. And I kept doing that and doing that and getting more and more into it. And then I had this turning point which was instead of feeling and who knows what this guy was thinking, right? I mean, he could have not even been looking at me. It's all projection, it's all in our heads. But I had this moment where it switched from feeling judged by that guy to wondering if maybe he wanted to dance but felt too self conscious. And then feeling like compassion and like, ah, that sucks for him if that's the case, if he's that held back. And again, who knows, right? I have no idea. What I mean, this guy might have been just tired and wanted to eat a sandwich, I don't know. So, but the takeaway here is this shifting point from instead of like, oh, I'm doing something wrong and I'm less than and people are judging me to like, hey, I'm having a great time. And if someone can't, if someone is judging me for dancing or is restricted or stifled in that way, I feel sorry for them. I want them to be more free. I want them to be more liberated. And then so all of a sudden that judgment stopped having power. And it wasn't just at Burning Man. That was like a breakthrough moment that continued when I got home. So I would be dancing and you know, instead of imagining that the people that were around might be judging me, it was, well, if someone is judging me, that's unfortunate because they themselves are unable to be free, to be able to express themselves. So that was a key cool moment. And now this is next level story. So this is a place that I really learned that not only could I approach women and interact with them, but that actually women could find me attractive. Imagine that, right? I mean, and I was in great shape and still am and just, you know, a good looking guy. But I still didn't see it that way at that time. And so slowly, bit by bit over time, I started to really get like, oh, women could be interested in you. So I remember I was just walking along with. I don't know if I was with a friend of mine or not. I don't think so. Actually, I was just by myself that day, I remember, or at that moment, and I was walking along and I heard this guy call out, naked body car. It was naked car wash. I think it was naked car wash starts in three minutes and I don't know where I'm going. I don't think I Had a specific destination. I got my backpack with my water and some snacks, and I'm just like, hmm, naked car wash. You say, well, I am. You know, there's no showers out there, by the way. So you got to figure out how you're going to keep yourself clean. There's different places. People set up temporary showers with black evaporating plastic underneath. They build little structures out of wood. My buddy and I would just do the old pour a water bottle over your body and soap kind of method. So whatever level you want to get to. But anyway, so I was like, body wide. I assumed car wash. I was kind of intrigued. Like, no one has cars out here. What does that mean? And then there was people kind of milling about, and there's maybe like 25, 30 people kind of gathered for this thing. So I was like, okay, I'll just check it out and see what this naked car wash is all about. So I got in line there, and they kind of gathered us around and sort of explained how it went. So basically it was like, here are these four or five stations, and each station is just kind of like a big basin, a bucket basin that someone could stand in. And what you're going to do is, in this station, someone is going to, like, spray you with these little water bottles, gets you wet, and then you're gonna walk forward to the next station. And each station has a person standing on either side who's gonna do the task. So the next station is to rub some Dr. Bronner's hippie soap on you. The next station is to, I don't know, wipe you off. And the next station is to dry you off or something like that. Those are four or five. Four stations. And so the way it works is you start at the last station, you do that for a couple times, then you move forward, then you move forward, then you move forward. Then it's your turn to walk down the line. And they're like, hey, you gotta specify your boundaries. You know, if you don't want someone touching you somewhere, then say, don't touch me. Blankety blank here and here. Now, people weren't like, groping each other's genitals or something, so it wasn't like you had to be super specific. But if, you know, if you really wanted to say, hey, don't touch my breasts, or don't touch below my something or other, then people would know. But for the most part, people were not going hard and fast for the balls or anything. So it felt a little, you know, uncomfortable, as it probably did for a lot of people. But when you're out there, you start to just take more risks. And at this point in my life, I was like, well, if something makes me uncomfortable and it's not life threatening, then and it helps me grow, then it's probably worth doing. And that's how I've been living for 15 years. So I decided to do it. And I can't wait to tell you what happened right after this. Stay tuned. Cliffhanger.

Oh.

No, I can't. I'm not good enough. No one will like me. You're so ugly. Why would anyone pay you more? No, I can't. I'm not good enough. No one will like me. Tired of the same old loop in your brain? Are you ready for something different? Positive thinking won't get you there. You need to systematically dismantle your old toxic ideas and profoundly shift your mindset. Join Dr. Aziz in confidence Unleashed as he guides you through dozens of powerful exercises to transform your confidence on the deepest level. Go to confidenceunleashnow.com to get your copy today.

Hey. Welcome back. So I was working my way up the car wash, and. And there's a mixture of men and women there. And I'm at the blast station, the drying station. And we're all naked, too. I mean, everyone's naked, unless you didn't want to be for some reason, but I think everyone was. So you're standing there around a bunch of naked people, and you're gonna work your way up to the front of the line. Then you're gonna walk down and get washed. So I'm opposite this guy, probably about my age, and we don't really say hi to each other or whatever. And then we start drawing the people as they walk by. Very simple job, very easy. There's men, there's women. There's all different ages, all different body types coming through. And then we move up to the next station, and that's like the, you know, rinse someone off after they've been soap stationed. So we do that. We do that, we do that. Then we get to the. We're the soaping guys. We, like, lather the person up, and there's a couple people coming. And all of a sudden, we see the next person who's about to get to the water station, a couple people down the line towards us. And it is this incredibly. To me, I found her just incredibly beautiful. Like, my heart kind of skipped a beat. I was like, whoa. And then I was like, uh oh. Like, ah. Like, I swear I had this moment where I looked and saw that she was coming. And then I looked over at the guy opposite me and we had this moment where like, oh, yeah. And it was excitement, but I was also, like, a little nervous. Cause I was like, ah, what if, what if, you know, I don't even know what if? I just is nervous and excited, right? So she comes down the line and then it's my turn. And I get to massage her body with the soap, which was as good as you'd imagine, as good as it sounds. And then goes to the next person, goes, next person. The moment's past. And then I get up to be in line and I go down. And then, you know, people wash you and it feels very nice and. And you're done, you're clean, and you get this great bath and all this touch from other people. And it's not like weird or sexual in any way or invasive. It just felt very like, I don't know, kind of matter of fact, like, hey, we're cleaning each other's bodies. And it was awesome. And it was done. And I kept on thinking about that woman. I was like, man, that was. She was amazing. You know, I want to talk to her. And I kind of waited for a few minutes, got my stuff together and. And I saw her talking to a couple of people. And I don't know what year this was. I'm trying to remember specifically. I went to Burning man every year from 2005 to 2013. Yeah, no, 2012 was the last year I went because Candice was pregnant the next year. And then we had Zaim, my first son. And I haven't gone back. Now we have a second son. So it's been four or five years, three, four years since I've gone and perhaps will return one day. I'm not sure. It's very different with kids, but.

I.

Don'T know what year this was specifically. But I hadn't developed my confidence yet to just boldly walk over up to her. I hadn't developed that yet. I think I'd maybe done stuff like that sometimes, but I was kind of hot or cold, off or on, right? And at that moment I just. I was nervous or I was too kind of like, I think a little. That level of contact with her, I felt maybe intimidated. I was like, ah, she's so beautiful. And so I had this energetic intention to want to go talk to her, but I didn't want to interrupt. So I just gathered my things. I was like, you know what? I'll just. It's okay. I'll just go. So I start to walk away and I'm about 20ft away and I hear this behind me. You're a beautiful man. And I pause and I turn around and guess who said that? Well, it was her. Which taught me that when you feel like it's on, it very well is probably on. And that you should follow that you should take a risk. I mean, you might not be 100% right, but a lot of the times what I would do is I would feel something really strong and be like, oh, that's just all in my head. I'm just some desperate loser who has some one way fantasy connection with her. She doesn't want me. But you know what? Maybe that person does. And that's what I found is the more confident you become, the more skilled you are socially, the more you can just be you around people. You're just less in your head and you're more tuned in to what's going on and you can feel connection energetically. So I felt something, she felt something. So of course I turned around and was like, police Chief Wiggum swagger. Like, yeah. And I walk up and I get there and I just start talking to her. And then her friends leave and then we go hang out in this little chill out area that someone had next door with some pillows and stuff. And we end up talking for like an hour or more and then we end up making out, which was awesome. And then we parted ways and I was like, that was the best afternoon of my life. And so experiences like that taught me so many different things. And there's more to that story, by the way. I'll give you the short version here, which is I found out where she was camped. And they have addresses there. Like we're at. It's letters of the Alphabet based on the theme and time. So it's like I'm at 4:30 and I don't know if the theme was like human mind or something, then Einstein would be E. I'm just making up some examples here. I have to remember specifics. But any case, so I know where she's camped. So like a couple days later I like go back to try to find her. And then I do. And then she's very much like, oh, hey, hey, what's up? I'm like, hey, yeah, hey. And she's like, yeah, that's cool. We chat for a few minutes. She's like, okay, I'm gonna do something else, I'm busy. I was like, oh, oh, yes, that's cool. Oh, okay. I didn't want anything. I was just. Yeah, just coming by. And then. So I left, like, oh, I'm crushed. Oh. And then I was walking home, and it was starting. The sun was starting to set, and I was like, oh. And I walked by this place doing something called ecstatic dance, which is just music, dancing, and people, you know, sober, daytime, and just people dancing. And, you know, if you want to dance with people, you can. If you want to just kind of do your own thing, you can.

So.

So I ended up just dancing there for, like, 45 minutes and just feeling stuff and letting it go and learning and growing and just being like, wow, what an amazing experience that I had the other day. And, look, I wanted something again. I didn't get it, and now I feel rejected. And I got a chance to see what was happening there so I could let it go. And, man, I feel like this is just one story of many. And maybe one day we'll sit down and it'll be like an old man.

Like, let me tell you about the.

Time at Burning man back when I was cool, but. And this. I don't know. I don't know if it's right for you. I found it incredibly empowering, and there's so much good stuff that came from that in my life. And these are just some stories about unusual cures for social anxiety for myself. And perhaps it will be of value to you, and perhaps your action step will be to get a ticket and go to Burning Man. Wouldn't that be crazy? Well, at the very least, I hope you enjoy listening to this until we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Talk to you soon.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.