Upgrade Your Identity (A Life Of Confidence Skill 3/4)

Welcome to shrink for the shy guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. So here's the big question. We're just going to get out of the way right at the beginning. Are you a winner or are you a loser? That might seem a little silly, a little abstract, but we're going to unpack that in today's episode because that's a big question, and you actually have an answer to that question right now, whether you know it or not. And more importantly, that answer is being broadcast right now to everyone in your life. Everywhere you go, every person you interact with. It's like a big signal. It's like a big sign, you know, that you can make that l with your hands. If you stick your thumb out and your first finger up, you make an l and you put that on your forehead. That's the loser symbol, a winner. I guess you'd make two of those and put the thumbs together, and now you got a winner on your forehead. What are you emitting to the world that's important? You're going to discover that in today's episode as well. And you know how to change that. Because if it's an L, you want to make it a w. And if you speak a different language beside English and loser is a different word than starts with an l. Whatever your language version of a loser is, you'd want to be that. You want to be a winner, right? Okay, so. And I'm being playful here because this topic can be so painful and our loser identity can be so strong that I got to bring a little bit of levity to this because otherwise we're just going to get bogged down on that sucker. So thanks for being with me. If you're benefiting from the show, you've listened to a number of episodes, please go to itunes and give it a review. What you're benefiting from, what you like about the show. I love reading those reviews. I actually adapt and evolve the show. Based upon those responses and what people are liking and not liking. So, for example, I used to have a co host that people didn't like. I killed him. He's dead now. Buried. Buried out in the desert in Utah. So, whatever, whenever you guys want, I'm gonna, you know, I'm your man. No, but I do read those and appreciate that. And also, it helps the show reach other people. And that is my mission. That's what I'm here to do. As we talked about in a previous episode, the aeronaut. I still haven't learned how to pronounce that word. Adventurous aeronaut. But that's what I'm here to do. I'm an adventurous aeronaut, boldly soaring through the skies here, facing my own fears, my own challenges, to help ignite outrageous confidence in as many people as I can and inspire them to be expansively authentic. 100% freedom to be you. That's what I want to do here. So if you can help me in that mission, I would much appreciate it. Maybe you could even let people know. You could write a review. But also, if there's someone in your life that you think could benefit from this show, please share it with them. That's what we want to do. We don't want to keep this a secret because there are a lot of humans, a lot of us that need this right now. I mean, I'm talking about millions of people that need more confidence. So, you know, be a hero, spread the torch. You're growing in your confidence. You're becoming a more bold, free winner version of you. Help all those losers out there. In fact, what a great episode to share. You could say, hey, friend, you're kind of a loser. Listen to this episode. It will help you more tactfully than that. But find people you think would benefit from this, and please share. So what's this whole idea about a loser winner identity? Well, let's talk about identity for just a second. But your identity is your perception of yourself and how other people see you and respond to you. So it's not just how you see yourself, but it's how you imagine other people see you. So let me give you an example. If you've ever been to a situation where you feel nervous meeting someone new and you're like, oh, my gosh, do they think I am smart enough or I'm cool enough? Or, what if they don't like me? Or what if they think I don't know what I'm talking about? Or they think I'm an imposter in A work scenario. You see how that's what you imagine they are going to perceive you as. That's part of your identity. So someone who's got kind of that unhelpful identity, a negative identity, say, in a social context, is like, oh, you know, I'm not that interesting. People don't really like when I share. I'm kind of boring. I don't think my life's that worth sharing about. You know, that's part of their identity. And so they imagine other people are going to listen to them and think, this guy is kind of boring. He doesn't really have much to share. His life's not worth sharing about. So that's part of your identity. So many of us have an identity of someone who is not a worthy, valuable, interesting, fascinating, attractive human. We have an identity of something less than that. What's less than that? Well, how far down the spectrum do you want to go moderately interesting, attractive, worthwhile to not interesting at all worthwhile or attractive or even deserving of anything? And we have that identity locked in. That thing's in a deep groove, like clicked in there with maybe a padlock on it. And when some event or some person or some experience attempts to upgrade that identity, what do we do? We fight it. We fight it. Isn't that crazy? That's crazy, right? So let me give you an example. I used to have a pretty terrible identity about myself socially. Well, everywhere, romantically, as a human. But, you know, one area would be romantic confidence, right? And that's pretty low identity. And so a loser identity in that area would be. Would be what? Well, no one's gonna wanna date me. Cause I'm a loser. No one's gonna wanna spend time with me. No one's gonna say yes if I ask him out. No one's gonna wanna be my girlfriend. And so I lived under the thumb of that identity for many years. Now, if that identity has a total stranglehold on you, then you won't challenge it and you will live it out. And so as a result, I had pretty loser experiences in my love life for a good, you know, decade or so. That means no dating or extremely minimal dating. No asking out. And if I did, I'd get a no, which reinforced the story, right? So you kind of play that out now. At some point, though, at some point, life might throw you a bone and might say, hey, friend, maybe you're not such a loser after all. And that happened for me a couple of times. But once I was in high school and I had an Opportunity. Some girls came and told me that another girl thought I was attractive, thought I was cute, should go ask her out. So I did. And maybe one experience in college, maybe two. I don't know where. A woman approached me, made it clear that she was interested in me. So what do we got there? Three. Three opportunities in 10 years. Oh, yeah. And wouldn't you know it, even though this girl thought I or this woman thought I was attractive and wanted to date me, did that change my perception of myself? Right? Because if you think about this, like, if you think, oh, this is how other people see me. Oh, not as attractive. Oh, look, this person thinks I'm attractive and so does that one. Maybe I could go out there and start asking people out. No, no, no, no, no. Because the identity is locked in, right? And then so I didn't until I actively, actively, actively started challenging it. And I mean, like very actively taking bold action, taking risks, going out to walk around downtown Santa Barbara and just go approach women, hanging out on, you know, hanging out at the bus stop. I don't know, maybe not a bus stop, but, you know, just walking in and out of shops or whatever, sort of walking up and having conversations with them. Absolutely. Utterly terrifying. I'm sure I've told other stories about that in other episodes, but even as I did that, there was this repetitive reoccurring reassertion of that loser identity. So even if I break through it or I have a positive experience or positive interaction, it would reformulate, like, freaking. That malleable Terminator robot thing. I know he's in T2. Was he in any other. Any other of the Terminators? I think I stopped after like three or four or something. Do they have any more amorphous goo like Terminators that can reformulate? Like one of those. And if they haven't since the 1991 Terminator 2 movie, and you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about. I'm sorry, I'm an old man. But by the way, did you know I watched that movie when I was like 10 years old? Nine or 10 years old. I don't think it was made for nine or 10 years. It was amazing, though. It changed my life in the best possible ways. It was incredible. In any case, it's going to keep reformulating, so it's locked in. And then when you challenge it, when life gives you new evidence that it's not true, it reformulates, it dismisses that new evidence. It says, no, that's not true. No, I'm still a Loser. No, I'm still a loser. So here's my question for you. Are you fighting for your loser identity? Are you clutching that sucker with white knuckles, saying, no, I'm not going to let go of it. And the next question will be, what's wrong with you? No, I'm kidding. The next question is, why? Why do we hold on to this loser identity? It's terrible. It's like a hot coal. It's burning your hand. Let it go. I can't let it go. Why? Because. What's the because for you? What do you think it really is? Why? First of all, how do you see yourself as a loser? What area of your life? And maybe you don't use the word loser. I'm kind of putting the negative identity of all kinds into that category. But maybe you don't think you're smart. Maybe you don't think you're funny. Maybe you don't think you're attractive. Maybe you think you're ugly. Maybe you think you're too fat. Maybe you think you're too weird. Maybe you think you're too bald. Maybe you think you're not exciting enough. Maybe you think you don't feel enough, or you feel too much, you don't feel the right things, or. Or it's some vague sense of I'm just not worthy and desirable. I don't know why, but something, whatever it is, and maybe it's only in one area of your life. Maybe you're like, I'm a total stud at work, but I'm a loser in my dating life. Or I'm a total stud in my dating life, but I'm a total loser in my job, whatever it is. Where is that loser identity got its stronghold? And maybe for you, like me, it's crept its way into many different areas of your life, but there it is. Where are you seeing it? What do you say to yourself? What are the stories? What does it look like? What does it sound like? What does that sucker smell like? You gotta become really aware of it, acknowledge it. There's power in awareness and acknowledgement. Being able to see it and say, aha, Aha, aha. I see you. Because if you can see it, if you can name it, if you can describe it, if you can narrate starts to lose its power over you because you realize it is just smoke and mirrors. It is a fabricated, abstract creation of the mind. It's not real. It's not who you are. It doesn't even have to bind you. And this is the thing that just Scrambles our circuits. It doesn't have to bind you. So I just talked about how it's locked in place and it reforms like the Terminator. Remember all that? That's how it operates. And it doesn't have to. It can change in a moment, in a heartbeat, and it can change forever. Isn't that exciting? Isn't that liberating? Like, wow, I could just be different. You can. You truly can. Question is, why not? Why haven't you? Why aren't you? It's possible. It's just. What is it? Your story. Oh, I can't because. Because what? Because I've always done it that way before. Because that other person thought I was ugly. Because my old boyfriend said I was fat. Because something. Something. Usually people give me something from the past because the past. You could just probably summarize all stories for not changing, for not just completely letting go of some bullshit identity that's not true anyway. And just being more freely and authentically your winner self right now, you know. Any reason if I say why not? Well, Aziz, because the past. Okay, great. The past. The past. Do you think your representation of the past is accurate? Do you think you really remember much of anything? I mean, there's tons of research. Our memories are basically shit. We don't actually remember very accurately at all. They can implant memories in people by asking them a few basic questions. They can. People report little things. Like they look at a video or a picture or something like that, and they report what was in the video, what was in the picture, and they're completely randomly off. It was a red vase and it was a blue car. And it's not at all. But there's certainty. Are you sure it was a blue car? I am totally certain it was a blue car. Are you sure it's a blue car? Absolutely sure it was a red car. But I saw a blue car in my mind. Yeah, you made it up. It's called confabulation. When we go create a memory, when we go retrieve a memory, we're creating it and our brain fills in the data. Just like when you're looking around the room right now. Your brain fills in information, it fills in data. You're not seeing everything. There's this interesting thing. I can see if I can find it somewhere, how I get it to you guys. But it's a little experiment that shows this, where just imagine this. There's a little paragraph of text. And inside of the text, when you look at it, you can read it just fine. But the first and last letter of each word is in the right place and the inside letters are all scrambled. So if the word was, you know, child, C and D would be at the beginning, at the beginning and the end. Right? C and D. But then the H, I, L in the middle would be all mixed up. So it'd be C, L, I, H, D or something. Something like that. Right. But the C and D are there and you can read the whole paragraph. It's crazy. And what they're pointing out is that your mind doesn't read every letter. Your mind looks at the beginning and the end of the word and figures out the context and just makes the whole thing. It's incredible. You know, we have a blind spot. In the back of your eyeball where those nerves come in the back of your retina and you're not seeing anything there. It's literally a blind spot. But your eyeball, your brain makes it up, fills it in based upon what's around it. So I could go on here, but we're creating things. We're creating our memories, and we're creating our memories of the past. And so if you go to the past and say, oh, I was such a loser, you know, so and so called me a loser. Why? Why are you holding on to that? How many things have happened in your life in the past? Billions. Why are you holding onto those seven that show you that you're a loser? Why? Because of survival. Because of certainty. Because if I can clutch this thing, I'm gonna hold onto this thing tight until my knuckles are white. It's gonna give me something solid. Because if I were to let go and I were to step into the unknown, step into my wide open future. In fact, I'm gonna invite you to stand up right now. If you're not, open your arms really, really wide, as if you're about to give someone a big hug, making sure your palms are facing forward. If you're just listening to this and not doing anything like, what's up, man? What are you listening to this for? Just for entertainment, to pass the time. Look, I don't want to do that. I don't want you to do that. I want to be here to make a fucking change in our lives. I want to light the fire. Time is limited. Time is of the essence. Time is the most valuable resource you have. And I don't know how many years you've been stuck, but after the years that I since stuck and I woke up and I said, wow, I want to make change in my life now. I want to help other People make those changes. I realized there was an urgency to this. We got to do this and we got to do this now because you don't know how much longer you got. You really don't. There's this beautiful man who was like a spiritual teacher that my wife knew and he was out running in some like open space park area, you know, healthy guy, probably in his 40s or something and you know, ran these groups and these meditation things and this beautiful wife, they taught workshops on love and relationships and all that stuff. And he's running out in this open space preserve and there's some freaking crazy guy out there that shoots him. I don't even know more of the story than that. I mean, I don't know what the motive was or what was going on. There was like, no, I don't know if it was a confrontation or what. He's dead. And I heard that story and I was like, what the shit, man? We don't know how much longer we got. We really don't. And I hope. I don't know how old you are, but I'm hoping It's another 40, 50, 60, 100 years, whatever. Maybe you're five years old, I don't know. But, but, but we don't know. So I'm going to invite you right now to stand up and open your arms wide, bring your shoulder blades together, bring your head back, breathe into your chest and say this out loud. The past doesn't equal the future. Again, strengthen that. Kind of stretch your arms out so you can feel your triceps activating, bringing your shoulder blades together even more so now, as if you're going to give someone a big hug. But now your arms are almost behind you, really stretching. Open your chest and say, the past doesn't equal the future. I am open to anything and everything. I am open to the new. I create the new. Alright, fantastic. Let your arms go down by your sides and just feel that you can create the new. The past doesn't equal the future. That story that you've been holding onto, that you've been playing again and again, that identity that you've been clinging to, you don't need it anymore. And yes, it might give you a sense of solidity, a certain sense of certainty. I know what it is and I have a clear perspective and I know how to predict the world through this shitty identity. But man, is that it? Is that all we're going to do here? Just live out that sucky identity and then die? I don't want that. You probably don't want that. So what do we do? You step into the winner identity. The winner. Not winter winner. A winner identity. Right. What is that for you? What would the winner identity be? Of course I'm attractive. Of course I'm likable. Of course I'm funny. Of course I'm desirable. I'm the man. That's what I would say because I'm a man. But you know, I'm the woman. Whatever it is, I'm awesome. That's an all gender friendly affirmation. I'm awesome. I'm awesome. Go ahead and say that out loud right now. I mean, we got you going already. We're on a roll. I'm awesome. How does that feel? How does that land? Can you, can you tap into that right now? You might say, well, hold on a second, hold on a second. No. Okay. I'm not. Well, okay, all right, all right. Why not? What's your criteria? Is it perfectionistic? Well, I haven't achieved this yet and I haven't done that yet. And I still haven't done that and I haven't done this and I need to do that. And those people need to think that about me. And then I'm awesome. Alright, well maybe you can go make all that stuff happen. Just really beat up on yourself, call yourself a loser and go make it happen. Sounds like a terrible way to live. Why not? Why not choose something different? Why? Don't say, you know what I'm gonna choose right now to start acknowledging my wins, start counting my successes. I do this with every group that I run. I run a lot of group programs right now. And every single group that I run, I enforce this. I'm sort of militant about it. I'm like, we're gonna start with wins. We're gonna build your focus on wins. We're gonna build your muscle of being able to identify your wins and build on that. What did you do today? What did you do this last week? What actions did you take? What risks did you take? Where did you fail? What's a moment that you notice that you made a shift? What's a moment that you can feel grateful for? What's a moment where you did something that's being a winner? You might say, well, I failed. Yeah, but you took the action and winners take action. Where is that for you? Can you find that right now? Can you access that? And if you can't, that doesn't mean that it's not true and you are a loser. No, it means you're not focusing in that right way. Because if you say, listen Aziz, I'm not taking risks, I'm kind of being avoidant of everything. Great, great. Can you acknowledge noticing that as a win? Because it is, you know, if you notice it, if you call it out, acknowledge it and say, you know what, I want to do something different. That's a win. Start to notice it, start to count it, start to upgrade your identity. Have you done this yet? And if you haven't, when would now be a good time? And by the way, this is just a total side note, but I just thought of it. I don't know how long you've been listening to this show, but if you haven't gone to my website, drazeez.com,-r-a z I z.com and gotten my five steps to unleash youh Inner Confidence ebook, make sure you do that right now because that guides you through the five steps I take every client through on how to make these changes, how to start to upgrade your identity. So I just thought of that right now. But if you haven't, you've already gotten it. Awesome. If you got it and never opened it, maybe go back and re sign up and get it again and actually read it, actually apply it, do it, do can help you in these ways. But the key is that you start to change your identity through taking those actions. So what is the identity of a winner for you? And again, pull it out of like I've achieved X and I've done Y and I'm the greatest because of this. I'm talking about a way of being moment to moment so you can feel like a winner before you get to those outcomes. Because if it's outcome dependent, man, that's a wild, bumpy ride. But what if it's just something you get to have? What if it's just your birthright? What if it's a way that you show up? What if it's who you are? And what is that identity for you? You want to create it. I can't tell you what it is for you. It's different for every person. There are themes, there are qualities of it. I mean, I know someone who's got a winner. Identity bets on themselves, believes in who they are, believes in what they're saying, stands behind their perspective, their thoughts, their feelings. And yes, it might change again, but this is where I'm at right now. They're bold, they're expressive, they're alive, they're free. And there's other things too. These are things for me. But grateful attentive it's just what you value. Are you living your values? Forget about whether you're good enough or not. It's irrelevant who's in front of you right now? What can you give right now? What do you want to share right now? What do you want to say no to right now? What do you want to say yes to? What do you want to ask for? What do you want to go for? What do you want to try to create in the world, in your workplace, in business and family and friendships and relationships? What kind of impact do you want to have? That is what matters and that you can do right now. And if you start living that, you are a winner and it's irrelevant of the instant results or not. It's irrelevant if someone likes you or not. It's irrelevant what your waist size is or not. It's about who you are and who you're being and how you're lighting up the world with your presence. That's what matters. So let's take this right now. Can you feel this, by the way? Can you feel the energy inside of this episode that's gonna help you make these changes in your life? Fantastic. So let's talk about how to do that in your action step. Time for action. Action, action. Here's your action step for today. How would you need to be in order to be a winner? That's the question I have for you. How accessible is it? How distant is it? Well, I don't know, but you're going to find out. And that question will be extremely valuable. How do you need to be in order to be a winner? Is it easy? Is it hard? And if it's hard, maybe it's time to upgrade that. Time to change your rules. You say, well, I can't change my rules. I have to become the first human on Mars and earn a billion dollars and, you know, have sexual stamina for nine hours and 300 partners and this and that, and then I can be a winner. Z's. Otherwise, I'm a loser. Okay, great, great. You can just, I guess, hang on to that one forever. Because at the end of the day, you know that identity brings you the most suffering. And yes, it impacts those around you and maybe probably friends and family and loved ones and even your kids and other things. But at the end of the day, the burden of that is on you. So you can keep fighting it, you can keep holding onto it, or you can let it go, Just let it go and grab something new. So pick up that new identity. What has to happen in order for you to be a winner. Well, create something. Maybe I just do something for someone else today that makes me feel like I'm a winner. Maybe I just hit my workout today. Yeah, that's a win. Maybe I was procrastinating for two hours and I just finally did the thing. That's a win, right? Maybe just start cataloging your wins. Feel like a winner right away. So many things, so many options and can't wait to hear about your growth and your experiences. You always want to drop me a line. You can go to drdazzizz.com there's a contact page there-r a z I z.com and share about your experience, about your growth. So I hope this serves you. Until we speak again, may I have the courage to be who you are, to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.