Want More Confidence? Try This Powerful Confidence Trick To Double Your Self-Esteem

I want to ask you a quick question. Deep down, do you think that your presence in a situation adds value, is good, is wanted and desired, or not only is not wanted, but maybe takes away from the situation? You're going to learn about what I call the black hole syndrome and how it's stopping you from having confidence, from going after what you want in life, and from feeling good about yourself. And you're going to learn how to break free of that and step into a new level of knowing your value, knowing how awesome you are. So let's dive into that right now. Welcome to another episode of the Art of Extraordinary Confidence, the show for men who want to 10x their confidence in any area of life that matters. Business, dating and relationships, sales, speaking, your social life, your just general feeling of confidence. This is the show for you. I'm your host, Dr. Aziz, and today I'm excited to have this conversation with you because this is something that a breakthrough that a client I was working with, one on one, one of my top end one on one clients, he's an executive in a company and he had this breakthrough in the session and I said, wow, this is so valuable that we have to share this with everyone. And so here you are. And the breakthrough is this. Well, first let me tell you where he started. And this is where you might be as well. This is where I spent many years, and that's what I call the black hole syndrome. The black hole syndrome. And that is on some level, you believe that your presence in a situation, whether it's in a networking meeting, social situation, business, talking to an attractive person you want to date, whatever it is you believe your presence sucks in value. It takes away value from the situation. That's why I call it black hole syndrome. It's like you're a black hole. And so as a result, people aren't going to want to say, oh, God, why is disease here? Oh, why is he coming to talk? Oh, God, I hope he doesn't come talk to me. Right? That's the reaction that we imagine people are going to have because we think our presence takes something away, it detracts, it brings down everyone, and therefore is not wanted, is not desired, is to be avoided. And as a result, well, how much do you want to approach people? How much do you want to put yourself out there? I mean, this can show up in sales too, right? It's like, oh, man, talking to me about my program or service or product, it's going to be this horrible black hole. It's going to ruin their day. You'd be surprised. You know, when I talk to salespeople and they get in kind of a funk, that's the belief they have that gets activated. So this can show up anywhere. Work, professional life, personal life, this black hole syndrome. And sometimes we're very aware of it and sometimes we're not. Sometimes it's a little less conscious, right? You just feel that nervousness about talking to someone. You just feel like, oh man, they're not gonna like me. But what's that about? Underneath that is the black hole thing, right? Because why wouldn't they like you? Because you think on some level that your presence pulls energy, doesn't is not wanted in the situation. So that's where this client started. That's where I spent many years. That's where you might be on some level. And so what he did and what I did and what you might be doing. What a lot of people do is they try to compensate for that black hole. They. They try to. And whatever their method is, they try to be really funny or they avoid all situations or whatever it is, but they're trying to kind of compensate for this. I'm this horrible person that's drawing all this energy from people. And here's the thing. When you show up as you are and you just consistently show up, people are going to like you or they're not. And your energy, your presence does not detract value. And the only way it does is when we show up believing that it does. So let me explain what I mean. Here I live on a street, and about three houses down there's a little road and it's a cul de sac, which means it just dead ends. And it's full of kids. Like, I don't know, it's probably like four or five families and all of them have two or three kids or whatever. So you got like 10 kids running around there, especially on a nice day. And my son, who's 16 months, little like a month and four year old, one year and four months, loves to go play with these kids. So we step outside, you hear a basketball bouncing down the street, and he's like, ba, ba ba. And does his little like Frankenstein walk straight towards these kids. And he's been doing that nonstop for like the last month and a half. And it's probably been like 20 times that I'm outside with him. And whether the kids are there or not, he just wants to go there just every day. Ah, let's go down and check out that spot. So what we do is we walk down the street. He gets there and he just goes like this, bah, bah, bah. And just walks right towards all of them. And he gets in there and they're all kind of doing their thing. Sometimes they're playing basketball, sometimes they're doing cartwheels or whatever. And he's so much smaller than them, but he just, like, gets right up in the group and it's just like. And occasionally, like, pick up a stick or something and, like, try to hand it to one of them. His way of engaging with him, right? So he just shows up. And we did this day after day after day. They started to learn his name. Just the other day we were there and a little girl was, like, coloring something, and she's like, zaim. That's his name. Zaim. Zaim, come sit with me. And I was like, whoa. And he's not doing anything amazing. He's not, like, playing the games that they're playing. He's not making the jokes that they're making or doing the cartwheels with them. What is he doing? And this is a key insight, if you can get this in your life. He's showing up. He's just showing up consistently. And on top of that, he's sharing himself. And those are the things that we have control over. How much do I show up? Do I go to the networking meeting? Do I accept the invitation to the dinner party? Do I invite people over to my house? That's a form of showing up, too, right? And then secondly, how much of myself do I share when I'm there? That's what we have control over. Not whether we're the funniest person in the world or we can get everyone to like us. It's just, you just show up consistently and then share yourself. Because you can show up, you can go to the networking meeting and then not talk to anyone. You could show up in the business meeting and not share. You could go plan on doing a bunch of sales conversations and then not talk to anyone, right? So we have to not only show up and then share ourselves fully when we're there. And that means not necessarily a bunch of personal details, but you know yourself, your energy, your response, your curiosity, your aliveness, you share that. And when you do that, you show up consistently and share that a lot of people are going to like you, not everyone's going to like you. There's just no way to control that. And the key here is we don't have as much control over what we think about how people are going to like us. And the shift has got to be from like, they want me here and they, they like me to just knowing my presence here is good. Right? And that's what my son thinks on some level. I mean, it's pre verbal thought. It's just, he knows my presence is good, so he goes there to go join them. He doesn't think, I don't know if those kids want me today. I mean, I don't know, they're doing stuff that I can't do and I'm not good at basketball like them, so maybe I shouldn't go. He doesn't even. It's just my presence. The assumption is my presence is good. So here I am. And that is how you can break free of that black hole syndrome is you can remind yourself you can know on some level my presence is good. In fact, that's a phrase that I encourage you to just start saying in your mind during the day before you go somewhere. Like, my presence is good. My presence brings value to a situation. It's just good that I'm there. Now, not everyone, and some people might like it, some people might not like it, but it's irrelevant. My presence is good. It's good for me to be here. It's good for the situation, it's good for me, it's good. And it's so simple. But I just keep repeating that because that's what I really want you to take away. It's like, my presence is good. My presence is good. And then you start to stop worrying so much. Is it mama wanted? Am I not wanted? Did I like it? Am I good enough? Am I attracting value? It's like now my presence is good. And when you're there, you can just share more of yourself and you're going to show up more if you do those two things. That's how you get results in life. Whether it's for your increase in your income. You show up more. You have more of those conversations that create money and generate money for your business or for your social life. You show up more, you make more friends. You find someone that's going to be your girlfriend or your partner. So that's how we can break free of the black hole syndrome. So share your comments below. I'm so curious about what you've noticed about how you access knowing your presence is good. Things that you say to yourself, let's help each other out here. Let's break through this bullshit that keeps us stuck in thinking that we're not worthy or good enough. Let's shed that so share your ideas, your insights, your questions or comments below. I love reading those and also check out other episodes of the show. That's how you can get deeper into this stuff and I look forward to speaking with you in the future until we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.